Friday, May 23, 2014

Fly on the wall

This month has been oddly quiet, but there is a good chance our quiet is pretty different than yours...

Carter turned 1. That girl is fierce, and she waits for no one. I have parented 5 strong-willed children and none of them hold a candle to her. I told her the day that she was born that I would hold her hand while she takes over the world one breath at a time. She has held me to it.

She has quadrupled in weight. Quadrupled. She has also grown a foot in the past year. She is on the charts, finally, and she looks like a normal one year old- just a little runt. 
My birthday was on Mother's Day. I woke up to balloons with writing on them and notes inside thanking me. My girls set it all up, it was really sweet. Carter took 2 steps, she hasn't tried since. The real present was that the oldest girl, a permit driver, nearly totaled my car. Right out of our driveway. She rear ended the car in front of us so hard that she pushed that girl into the car in front of her. Some how our car wound up across the street in the neighbor's side yard heading for the utility pole. Fortunately she figured out the difference between the gas and brake. We live on the corner, so every person I have ever met drove past to witness us sitting there in my driveway with two other carfuls of people waiting on the officer to arrive. We looked like an episode of cops: horrible middle class driving edition. My cousin came over and fixed my un-drivable car, saving me about $600. The man was awesome in my book long before that, but that really reinforced his status.

Have you ever heard the saying you can't go wrong for a penny?

I will prove to you in the next 10 seconds it can..

My husband was tired of buying cheap handcuffs that broke before you got them inside. He had this idea to buy some real handcuffs off of eBay. I told him that I could think of a million ways it could go wrong. He answered, "you can't go wrong for a penny."

Add three dollars and seventy-seven cents of shipping and a few weeks, and the handcuffs came in. I watched the kids like a hawk keeping the key in my shoe until their flash wore off. I then threw them in the trash along with the key. Someone found the cuffs and took them out of the pail, neglecting to grab the key. That person left them sitting in the garage. Cam found them while we were packing the car to go to the middle boy's baseball game. On the way to the game a kid called out "mooooom". If you are a mom, you know that mom. When I said that mom, my brother was gonna get it. My stomach dropped. Turns out that he was going to have to walk through the ballpark dragging a handcuff from his ankle. If you were my Facebook friend you would have seen the pic and if you are really really nice and promise not to share it on you tube, I could send you the video.

One of the other coaches called a cop friend who called someone in the department we were in and they sent someone out. He couldn't pick the lock and told us to call the fire department. Fortunately, another officer close by had bolt cutters in his trunk and he cut them off.

The husband's birthday was just the other day. I don't think he appreciated my gift choices. A picture text and a phone call from a famous someone special.

That phone call may have been from The Bubble Guppies wishing him a Happy 12th Birthday, but it was from someone famous and special- to a 4 year old.
The picture text went like this:  I hope you weren't planning on wearing your shorts again. Cam ran out of toilet paper... Adding the picture sealed the deal of calling it a gift. He didn't appreciate that one either.