I wouldn't call myself the Grinch. If I ran into him at Starbucks, I'd foot the latte. I mean, we have a tree. It is decorated. I made the kids do it and it looks like the Grinch and I decorated it blindfolded, drunk, and left handed, but it is done.
I am fine with people and their holiday cheer. For the most part. Its like herpes... probably a good idea to let people know you have it but not so much
to share panties with.
Christmas sweaters are good. Saying HO HO HO instead of hello, strange but acceptable- barely. Wear a Santa hat to Wal-Mart, you will probably be asked where the restrooms are more times than you would like, but that is your prerogative. Putting some antlers on your car is sure to prove you're a Christmas bad***.
And then there is The Elf on the Shelf. I am just not THAT kind of mom. I will jump on the couch with you. I will listen to you practice the same song on your violin 386 thousand times- there is bound to be a drink break, but it will still happen. I will watch every Home Alone with you,except 5 that one is stupid. I will throw a ball to you until I can't move my arm for the next week. But I will not buy a tiny little elf and have it do stupid things to prove that he is real. Stupid stuff happens all the time. For instance, I just found a turd in the shower. I could blame it on the elf, but we all know the kid with poor wiping skills just took a shower.
Anyway, I had a little run in with a lady yesterday. Of course the elf came up. I think that all the pics on Facebook are cute. The blog posts, all of it. I just am not willing to take the time. I will forget or loose it and then kids are crying and I am destroying the house trying to locate the miniature derelict and my patience is fried by 7 am. NOT WORTH IT..
Here is the scene:
The youngest boy, girl and I walk in. The lady immediately walks over to talk. I attract the crazies, people, it is like my bra has a magnet in it. She comes over and is talking about Santa. And then the conversation goes south.
Lady: What is your Elf's name?
Boy: looks at her like she has just busted out of the looney bin.
Lady: Oh you should get an Elf. Blah a blah... gag me with a stick blah blah I am the most amazing mom-ish creature on the face of this earth and you should do everything like I do. I should write the ten mom commandments, gag gag blah.
Lady: Why don't you have an Elf of the Shelf?
Me: That little fella would hitch hike straight to hell because hanging out with Lucifer is less work.
Lady: looks down at Cam and says "you want an Elf on the Shelf don't you?"
Broad has crossed the line. I am irritated, not willing to go to jail irritated, but seriously, toeing the line , much? So I am just keeping my mouth shut. barely.
Lady: Seriously, that doll is life changing..
Me: So was Chuckie...
And I just walked away.
Seriously, lady. I had three kids before you had your first grown up tooth. Don't tell me what makes a good parent. The only people who can tell me that is Jesus and Child Protective Services. And if either of them tell me I need to get an Elf. I will walk through every neighborhood in the state of Missouri to track down your antler raped mini van and steal yours...