Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Grinch on the shelf...

I wouldn't call myself The Grinch. Maybe his drinking buddy/conscience that rarely tells him when he has gone too far. I mean, we have a tree. It is decorated. I made the kids do it and it looks like the Grinch and I decorated it blindfolded drunk and left handed, but it is done.

I am fine with people and their holiday cheer. For the most part. Its like herpes... probably a good idea to let people know you have it but not so much to rub it in some one's face or to share panties with.

Christmas sweaters are good. Saying HO HO HO instead of hello, strange but acceptable- unless that person is actually a Ho and then you have just taken things too far. Wear a Santa hat to Wal-Mart, you will probably be asked where the restrooms are more times than you would like, but that is your prerogative. Putting some antlers on your car is sure to prove you're a Christmas badass.

And then there is The Elf on the Shelf. I am just not THAT kind of mom. I will jump on the couch with you. I will listen to you practice the same song on your violin 386 thousand times- there is bound to be a drink break, but it will still happen. I will watch every Home Alone with you,except 5 that one is stupid. I will throw a ball to you until I can't move my arm for the next week. But I will not buy a tiny little elf and have it do stupid shit to prove that he is real. Stupid stuff happens all the time. For instance, I just found a turd in the shower. I could blame it on the elf, but we all know the kid with poor wiping skills just took a shower.

Anyway, I had a little run in with a lady yesterday. Of course the elf came up. I think that all the pics on Facebook are cute. The blog posts, all of it. I just am not willing to take the time. I will forget or loose it and then kids are crying and I am destroying the house trying to locate the miniature derelict and my patience is fried by 7 am. NOT WORTH IT..

Here is the scene:

The youngest boy, girl and I walk in. The lady immediately walks over to talk. I attract the crazies, people, it is like my bra has a magnet in it. She comes over and is talking about Santa. And then the conversation goes south.

Lady: What is your Elf's name?

Boy:  looks at her like she is bat.shit.crazy

Lady: Oh you should get an Elf. Blah a blah... gag me with a stick blah blah I am the most amazing mom-ish creature on the face of this earth and you should do everything like I do. I should write the ten effing mom commandments, gag gag blah.

Breathe.

Lady: Why don't you have an Elf of the Shelf?

Me: That little bastard would hitch hike straight to hell because hanging out with Lucifer is less work.

Lady:  looks down at Cam and says "you want an Elf on the Shelf don't you?"

Bitch has crossed the line. I am pissed, not willing to go to jail pissed, but seriously STFU pissed. So I am just keeping my mouth shut. barely.

Lady:  Seriously, that doll is life changing..

Me: So was Chuckie...

And I just walked away.

Seriously, lady. I had three kids before you found your first pubic hair. Don't tell me what makes a good parent. The only people who can tell me that is Jesus and Child Protective Services. And if either of them tell me I need to get an Elf. I will walk through every damn neighborhood in the state of Missouri to track down your antler raped mini van and steal yours...


17 comments:

  1. I did a blog rant about the Elf. I hate the Elf. I hate the peer pressure of Abby being the only child in 1st grade without one. Three years later I still hate that freaking thing.

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  2. I'm never happier reading than when you're mad. No one can tell them off like you can and I love having a front row seat here on my couch.

    You're only wrong about one thing. The 10 effing mom commandments have already been written. I wrote them last spring and I did a great job, if I do say so myself!

    Merry Christmas to you and your whole family. Looking forward to a new year filled with lots of people pissing you off. Selfish, I know. . .

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  3. Every parent that does the Elf on the Shelf really secretly hates it. But, somehow we keep doing it. Maybe they need to make an AA group for us. LOL!!!

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  4. Oh gosh, loving this post. We exchange gifts but we don't do the Santa thing. My folks are still pretty pissed about it considering they make the holidays waaay too big a thing. lol

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    1. I Know a lot of people who don't do the Santa thing. I have never told my kids that there was or wasn't. None of my kids cared until my 4th- he is convinced above all that there is a Santa and he is blah blah. I just nod my head :)

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  5. I am avoiding Elf on the shelf like the plague. There is literally no possible way that I would remember to move him every night much less find the energy to be creative.

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    1. Lol. This was the first year I had ever really heard of it. If we had an elf it would be m

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    2. I should know better than to attempt commenting on my phone... If we had an elf it would more than likely be lost than moved. It could potentially be a weapon or a toilet clogging mechanism... the elf shouldn't feel bad because we don't do army men, matchbox cars or anything small and stuffed ( for the same reasons)

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  6. I hate the part where the lady undermines your authority! You may or may not have an Elf - your choice, your business!

    I am that mom who doesn't throw a ball until her arms fall off. I am the mom who has a ball moving the Elf ;-)

    http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/2013/12/cookie-our-elf-on-shelf-is-back.html - I took the liberty to link up your post in here

    http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/2013/12/cookie-elf-sequel.html

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    1. Exactly! I can't stand it when people tell me what to do. Especially parent or parent for me. I went head to head with a six foot tall overweight gentleman for an underhanded comment about my kids and the number I had.
      Thanks for linking my post. I loved yours :)

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  7. I really want to be in the next aisle at Walmart when someone pisses you off. This is a legit wish that I'd use along with a dufflebag of money and a 30-minute session with January Jones and a vat of frosting.

    I think you should have shown that lady one more place she can hide that elf.

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    1. AHAHAHA!! Anything I was going to say is nothing compared to Eli's comment. I second it (well, not the January Jones part). Eli, let's remind each other never to piss off Ashley!

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    2. haha! I am generally really nice and say things in a way that people don't understand that I am being rude. I am very sarcastic and dry and they think I am funny. Until I get really mad. You would think my husband would try not to piss me off. He tries, daily....

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