Thursday, September 19, 2013

Twerk You....

Twerk this. Twerk that. Twerk you.

 I am sure you have heard of it. Seems like everyone is doing it. Hannah Montana is doing it. Even your college professor can probably manage to make it happen. It needs to stop.

 Twerking is stupid.

 If everyone realized that a mom of 6, who has been 29 more than once, can pull it off with a bottle-ish glass of wine. In her drinking jammies, to a song entitled "Gas Pedal"...Don't ask.

 I am about as lame as they come, and I can see twerking is stupid.

Case in point...
I don't brush my hair.
I use the inside of my shirt collar to brush my teeth more often than I want to admit.
I believe that you can dress up yoga pants with a pair of rhinestone flip flops.
I wear granny panties two sizes too big, because my husband thought I looked *about the same size* as the model on the package.
I got rid of the trampoline because I peed my pants trying to climb on.
I tuck my baby belly leftovers in my pants before I stand up. Sometimes I announce it.

I have anti-cool written ALL OVER me. If I can do it, you shouldn't...

When I see someone twerking to me it looks like..
Someone with postpartum hemorrhoids trying to poop. Again, don't ask.
Like you are on a mission to deactivate the dingle berry.
Possibly trying to air out your raging herpes.
Or your tampon string broke off again and your religious preference doesn't allow you to go dig for it.

Maybe I shouldn't be so judgey.

I mean there is a time and a place for it.

Like after eating that questionable chicken, but BEFORE running like hell pretending that smell didn't come from your nethers.

Stop now. Just say no. Go ice your under-butt because you are going to have one heckofa bruise in the morning.


  1. I choked on my coffee while reading this. I'm proud to say we share DNA ;-) You crack me up!

  2. No matter how many times people use that word it's never going to be cool to me. It sounds like something else that we really shouldn't be discussing here. Just sayin...

    You have drinking jammies? That is beyond cool! Thanks for the laugh this morning lady!

  3. Yes, I have drinking jammies... Since everyone thinks you're an alcoholic if you drink alone and blah blah... So I have a pair of pajama bottoms that are decent for public, as in my own house with friends over...

  4. OMG Ashley, Sarah told me how funny this was and she was right. I LOVE your comparisons to twerking. In fact, this is by far THE best twerking blog post I have read since the Miley Cyrus debacle! Awesome!

  5. Bahahaha! I sort of love you now! So glad I went on a random blog click (Sarah Sadder but wiser then menopausal mother and now you) Oh how I love technology loops, especially when I'm suppose to be doing things like, making dinner, flushing that darn fish my son won at the school carnival, or not waiting until I'm at critical mass before I go poop. *sigh* motherhood. right?

    1. Ahhh, two of my faves! It's like a kid who makes a new friend, everything can wait!!! I do the same thing :)