Friday, September 20, 2013

Fly on the wall... September

Fly on the wall....September edition

Everyday is a party at my house but today Karen organized it and it starts right here...

As a reminder...
Me:  They call me the real life Amy Duncan with a whistle...
1: teen girl, no other explanation necessary
2: tween girl, bookworm and practices her damn violin way too much
3: boy of 9 who trashes an expensive pair of shoes in less than 3 months...oh and he plays baseball ALL THE TIME
4: the male mini-me with less of a filter...
5: 4 year old, raspy voiced little man who has a Sean Connery accent and jumps and flips on the couch ALL DAY.
baby: girl named Carter. She is awesome....

If you were a fly on the wall you would have seen:

*Me get all giddy and excited when Carter hit the 10 pound mark, doubling her weight in just 4 months...(she was 10 weeks premature so this is a big deal)

This is Miss Carter "Cupcake"
*Tell the teen girl to stay away from boys because they carry "the clap". The look on her face at the explanation makes me thing her virginity will stay intact for at least the next 5 years, then I will dig up pictures....

*You would have seen my lose my voice and damn near my mind because of a weekend that had 4 softball games, 5 volleyball games (tournament), three baseball games and two practices....

*5: it feels like there is a booger on my arm.

Me: That's a scab.

The look on his face told me that he believed I was feeding him a line of BS

*You know it's going to be a long day when you start your menu planning and head straight to the alcohol section of circular.... It's going to be a really long day when menu plan at breakfast....

*I made a declaration... You may piss in the yard, but, I charge a dollar for every ammonia based watering... Took them a while to figure out what that meant. At least I got a soda, candy bar and my yard is no longer used as the hillbilly urinal....

*4 was goofing around sagging his pants, one of the kids pulled up his shirt showing poop all over his butt/back. Upon further investigation it was revealed that he had crapped in the yard. I went to find it so I could clean it up. I found the mother-load... There were 6 piles. SIX. I'm pretty sure half of Missouri heard me yell "there are 4 mother effing toilets in this house but you shit in the yard. Six times. Did you even wipe, you have got to me effing kidding me." Something to do with bodily secretions where they don't belong raises my blood pressure and the decibel of my voice...

*The baby blew out her diaper so I had to lay out the newspaper to change her. 5 looked at me like I had lost it... I took her over to the sink to finish the clean up and he asked why. I told him because that crap is spreading faster than germs on the community pencil in a kindergarten classroom. He just hung his head and walked away. Apparently you can even embarrass a 4 year old without an audience... I have reached new heights in motherhood folks!

*Kids were playing on the computer trying to spell out club penguin. They are 4 years old and aren't well versed in correct spelling. They got the club right. The penguin, not so much... I dived onto the desk saving their eyes from a lifetime of scarring, because the google recommendations aren't pretty when you forget the g and the u...

*I was outside w 5. I saw a cardinal bird and asked him if he thought it was. He said " is it red with an orange pecker"... I could breathe well enough to answer.

*I was at the computer, I felt something go down the back of my pants...
I dug in to see what 5 put in there.
Sunflower seeds.
That were spit soaked.
Be jealous of my awesome life...

Here's the rest of the party....
Baking in a Tornado     Just A Little Nutty   Follow Me Home...   Stacy Sews and Schools   The Sadder but Wiser Girl   Menopausal Mother   Moore Organized Mayhem   The Insomniac's Dream   The Momisodes
Spatulas on Parade   Searching for Sanity   The Rowdy Baker   Writer B is me


  1. Ha ha, I'm jealous of your life. But not the poop in the yard part. You can keep that shit.

  2. Oh, I miss you. Carter is absolutely adorable. Blow-outs are something I don't miss, but I hope you didn't miss the chance to have your son wash your own back side at the sink. #5 might think again about the sunflower seeds. Ps. I'm so jealous you have an alcoholic section in a grocery ad.

  3. Ha! I always look at the alcohol section as an if I was rich...

  4. We are frequent visitors of Club Penguin around to avoid things being seen that can't be unseen, I've book marked it and taught them how to get to it from there. They are 9, but still.....not taking ANY chances.

  5. HILARIOUS!!!!!!
    I might need to start charging, too. BRILLIANT!! LOL

  6. Grinning! Yes indeed - with little kids around, bodily functions are a BIG part of life. Your little Carter is so cute, I wouldn't begrudge a messy diaper once in a while.
    My son once yelled in public about a "black pecker". He meant woodpecker. It was a crow. At least YOU could snicker in private.

  7. Carter is just about one of the cutest babies I have ever seen! That smile---wow! She has the eyes of an old soul. LOVE all the poop talk here---and DIED laughing when I read abut your son using your yard as his personal waste site. OMG too effing funny!!!!!

    1. Thanks!
      I can laugh at it now, but in the moment I was contemplating cleaning it up with his pillowcase...

  8. As a mom of two boys who believe it is a luxury and privilege to pee (and on more than one occasion poop) in our yard also, I GET YOU, SISTAH!. What is it with them and the desire to pee outside? Srysly? I mean, in camping situations, and probably a lot of other ones too if I'm being completely honest, I'm actually jealous of the ability to just whip it out and go. SO JEALOUS. But, that's only in dire situations, ya know? When a toilet is not readily available. Toilet = #1 choice. Boys are so cra cra. Great post!

    1. Thanks! The one and only time I went camping I had to have my friend act out how to pee outside...still can't do it but the visual of both of us drunk and her over exaggerating how to pull your pants out of the way....

  9. oh dear....
    I am at a loss. Six times? Was that in one day? Did he eat a box of chocolate exlax? wow
    I would have been super upset

  10. OMG, Club Penin?? HA! We have a store out here called Dick's Sporting Goods; I was AT WORK when I decided to look up something on their website for my son's baseball uniform. Helpful hint: DO NOT type into your work computer.....

    1. lol. it would have been nice if it was club penin, but it ended with an s...

  11. Stopping by for the first time from Coach Daddy! Can we be best friends? You're AWESOME!

    1. Of course! Sorry it took so long, I found my sticky note to respond back in my pants pocket :)