Friday, August 23, 2013

This month's edition of fly on the wall....

Karen's brainchild. My family. Grab an adult beverage, you may need it...

Who we are:

1- girl almost 15, thinks she rules the world

2- girl 11, she is a bookworm and loves kids

3- boy of 10, obsessed with baseball and aggravating the masses

4- boy of 6, he has colorful vocab and he has a major part in all the shenanagans in the household

5- he is my cute, funny raspy voiced 4 year old with a Sean Connery accent

Baby Carter- a sweet little girl with farts that can make a grown man cry.

* 5: I'm a real man now, I have grown man breath...
Me: you are aware real men do the dishes, right...
5: oh, I forgot. I'm a little boy. A really little boy. I just counted wrong.

* I thought I had a genius plan, I told #1, that she could have a boyfriend only IF he was a) foreign AND b) played baseball. Enter the International games at the ballfields 2/3 of my kids play at. It took #3, who went over to this Aussie boy to say my sister is cute come meet her but, she met a boy who fit the criteria that I thought was unreachable. That's ok his wiener is 9K miles away. Good try, mate...

* #4 was shoveling his food into his trap and subsequently choked. I had to do the heimlich on him. The food popped out he turned around and looked me straight in the face and said you almost killed me. I wanted to finish that off with a swift kick in the butt but I pulled up my big girl panties and told him "you act like crap, you clean crap", and handed him a rag. I can't tell that kid enough how lucky he is I don't believe in child abuse....

The baby, well, she's cute but her backside isn't. We will call her farts "special". Well, sometimes when she has a special, it smells so bad that she cries. Not a wimper, or a growl, a full out wail. My husband got the receiving end of one while she was naked about to go into the bath and he said "it makes my eyes water". So yes, folks, a baby's fart can make a grown man cry...

While waiting in the HS parking lot to pick up 1 from volleyball practice we overheard a convo between two girls. They were saying soandso must be in trouble because they were running laps... 4 yells as loud as he can "I pity the fool, I pity the fool". The girl got into her car so fast she nearly smashed her legs. He scared the crap out of her. She looked at me and I acted like nothing happened, and she started looking around. Then she was really scared...It was HIL.Arious!

5 and Grandma brought home donuts... He informed me he had brought home a long johnson for me...

I fell in love, ridonk love with Maxi skirts. I have sewn a few and wear them all the time. We walked to VB practice to pick her up and she stayed far back. I asked her why. Apparently one of those judgemental  mean girls was making fun of me for looking like a Duggar- which I don't, but I made sure to walk past that snooty little b and ask where her shorts were...

Here are the other contenders, go have a look-see and tell Karen she is a doll for putting this together once again.

Baking In a Tornado   Just a Little Nutty   Shellybean  Stacy Sews and Schools   Sadder But Wiser

Meno Momma   Moore Orgainzed Mayhem   Sleepy Bard   The Momisodes    Spatulas on Parade

Rowdy Baker    Dates 2 Diapers   Trashy Blog   Barbara &1923

Squee I am so excited, I love these gals and I can't wait to read a few newbies :)

31 comments:

  1. I LOVE your family. I know you could write one of these per week and I would read them.

    "The baby, well, she's cute but her backside isn't." Hysterical!

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  2. I love, love LOVE stories about your kids! You've got your hands full with #4 and OMG now I want to hear no#5 talk!!!!

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    1. 5 is funnier that 4, 4 has an evil streak and Cam,5, is just awesome...

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  3. Karen, that girl can put a trucker who has eaten nothing but double cheeseburgers, ribs and bad Mexican food to shame...

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  4. I'm glad you knew the heimlich and that it worked, but next time you might want to let him sweat a bit first...
    You really have your hands full, Woman. Don't know how you do it! And...how does a 6 year old even know who Mr. T is?! Made me laugh.

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  5. Too funny!!! Hilarious!!
    I'm with Karen, I could read them all!!!

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  6. I love reading your posts. The choking kid. Isn't that just like them? How about a freaking thank you and a hug? LOL.
    It is hilarious that your baby girl is the stinkiest farter in your house...
    Also, I love wearing maxi skirts. You should have asked the bitchy girls if they have seen your thong around? "I'm sure I left it here last night..." That's about as anti-Dugger as you can get :)

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    1. Ha! Exactly... And maxi skirts are like dressy pajamas, they are awesome!

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  7. Yes, I laughed. So much funnier when it's other peoples kids. HA!

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  8. I do enjoy a long johnson in the morning.

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  9. Thank goodness for weiners that are 9K miles away. That made me LOL. You're gonna have to up the ante on the bf qualifications! That baby of yours is too cute-probably a good thing that you can't smell through the computer, huh? If I were a fly on your wall I'd never run out of entertainment!

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    1. This boyfriend stuff is outta control... Start preparing yourself now for when your little girl ventures into the world of boobies an boyfriends, it is horrifying.

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  10. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it.

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  11. G'day! What a fun series indeed, true!
    My, what the fly hears is always interesting to read from afar too!
    Cheers! Joanne
    @mickeydownunder

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  12. Okay, I canNOT get over, "he has to be foreign and play baseball." And then she found one!! I am laughing hysterically over here. So glad I found you through Fly on the Wall! New subscriber here for sure.

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  13. That poor baby girl, has a hazmat team showed up yet? LOL
    Funny what kids come up with.

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    Replies
    1. Not yet, we keep the fans on for her now. Her buttocks are too much to handle

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  14. You look like a Duggar- PAHAHAHAHAAAA!

    Venture about an hour south of here and you run the risk of having a REAL Duggar sighting.

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  15. OMG...baby farts are so bad...love that they made your hubby's eyes water, LOL.

    OH NO...I am scared of when Dino starts getting sassy...I may not be able to control my snarkiness and rage. LOL

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  16. Baby Carter has a lot to live up to! I'm sure her siblings will teach her well ;)

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  17. Loves baseball and aggravating the masses? Is your kid A-Rod?

    Take heart - not even the longest Johnson can traverse 9K miles.

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