Monday, March 4, 2013

Never trust my kids in a rest stop...or me for that matter...

The two younger boys had a karate tournament in Kansas yesterday. I am not a fan of hotels, they are gross and you can't try to tell me otherwise. So I decided that I would wake up at 3am and throw the kids into the car and just go. Nothing can go wrong, right?

Well I had decided the day before that I could not take the ugly color on the wall one more second.  The paint stuff, that the hubs used a few weeks ago, was nowhere to be found in the pits of hell I call a garage. So I pulled everything out and started organizing...until I found the paint stuff and then it was go time. FYI the hubs was pretty pissed when he couldn't park in said garage. Too bad, he should have put the crap back in the first place. He apologized for leaving it out, I don't think he cared much for when I replied with a "good" and not an apology for leaving a heap of crap in his spot.

So you get the point, I had done manual labor all day on Saturday. From 7 am until 9 p.m. At 9 I started to get tired and looked around at the shitpile that the shorts had left from the day. I decided to clean up instead of putting them to bed. So, of course, they got a second wind when I was trying to fall asleep. No sleep until after midnight. I woke up at 3, the big one came along to keep me company while I drove to boys the 4 1\2 hours to their tournament. It was nice, only one bathroom break after the sun came out. We made it on time, kids got some medals 4 got a trophy- a real one, not participation. I got to see more ass-cracks than I ever wanted in my entire existence. Does Kansas only sell pants that accentuate the ass-crack? Is that a specialty fashion trend in Kansas? Anyway.

We left around 11, I realized that I had left my sunglasses in my purse, the one I decided last minute that I didn't need. So I gave my phone to the teen girl and told her to use the maps to find a Dollar Store. The map sent us into the effing ghetto. After driving around for 30 minutes seeing cars with plastic instead of windows, boards on windows with some form of graffiti or another we found a Family Dollar. We parked, away from a group of people sitting on and around a beat up car with thousand dollar rims.  I was debating on whether this was a good idea to enter the store or not. When a person with more underwear than pants showing flashed a gold smile and started walking over to my car- which I was sitting in, and one of the little boys said look mom, he plays bad guys too. The man had a handgun in his underwear... THAT SEALED THE DEAL, fuck the sunglasses- this biotch was OUT...

We were lost in the ghetto, the maps had a death wish for us. It kept trying to take us farther and farther into the crime scene waiting to happen. I ran a red light, I was prepared to get charged with a hit and run and serve my jail time because a man started walking toward my car at said light. Thank God no one was coming! We finally found the highway and sped out of that town like a bat out of Hell. 

About an hour in someone had to pee, so we stopped. I can't be trusted at a rest stop. I walked in on a lady mid-shit. MID-SHIT! The door wouldn't close. So I stood there holding the door for this lady for the next what seemed like an eternity (probably for both of us) while a volcanic eruption came from this lady's ass. Upon leaving she informed us "nobody needs to go in there for a while." Really? I am pretty sure the defecation that shook the entire concrete bathroom told that story.

Of course, with a 4 and 6 year old there are many more bathroom trips to speak of. We stopped at a nasty gas station. We had higher hopes for this one. There was someone tearing the toilet a new one. 4 walked in and loudly started talking about how bad it smelled. And then proceed to dry heeve. I tried to lie and tell him it wasn't so bad but it came out like this : "It's not... uhmm, put your shirt over your face... OH..just piss in the parking lot." I couldn't, it was THAT BAD. It smelled worse than a colostomy bag busting, and if you have never smelled that, consider it your gift from God. Some parking lot urination ocourred and we got the Hell out of there too. 

We made it home and rested only to find that the washer, that was fixed two weeks ago, had broken again. Yesterday was just not my day...

14 comments:

  1. I'm tired just from reading all of this. ZZZzzzzzz nap time!

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  2. wow! That sounds just awful!! Glad it's over and congratulations to your sons for their wins!

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  3. My GPS always sends me thru ghettos! All the other parents follow theirs onto the highways and thru the suburbs; not us, oh no. Left turn onto Crack Alley, right turn onto Hooker Ave....

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    1. Ha! Us too. I live on the corner of two main roads, to get home my gps takes me past my house,all the way around the back of another subdivision and through the back of mine ending at my house.

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  4. You won't stay in a hotel, but you use gas station bathrooms????

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    1. I know! I try my best not to. I clog every toilet. Have to take off a foot of the roll to make sure no body has touched that part and then wrap the seat...

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  5. What a shitstorm. And I gotta ask...why, just WHY have you smelled a busted colostomy bag? Lord have mercy.

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    1. The busted colostomy bag was an unfortunate even while I was in x-ray school. That is something you never forget...

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  6. I really didn't know there were thugs in Kansas. I guess I thought it was just Dorothy and a bunch of bloggers out there.

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    1. Ha! I wish it was Dorothy... I will not be driving to Kansas City alone ever again!

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  7. Holy "crap".....what a weekend! The good news is that the boys scored some medals. But what a trip! I have now decided that I will NEVER take my kids anywhere by myself!

    Visiting you via the link up and I've been hanging out reading all kinds of stuff. Thanks for the laughs.

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids
    http://greenmomsandkids.wordpress.com

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    1. Thanks for stopping, yeah kids/roadtrip/alone should never form a sentence :)

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