Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Dipshit's Guide to Girl Scout Cookie Purchases.

I hate Girl Scout Cookies. There I said it. Not necessarily the cookies themselves, the selling part. Getting people to write down their name, address, and number of cookies their stomach wants is actually quite simple. People retrieving their cookies isn't the worst thing in the world either. Getting people to pay for said cookies, hand me the pliers folks because this broad has become the dentist. Since the world is so full of moronic individuals with a "who me" attitude it seems like the perfect time to throw together a little How To Guide...

The Dipshit's Guide to Girl Scout Cookie Purchases:

1:Just say No.

The philosophy is simple my friends. We have all heard before. Remember 5th grade, D.A.R.E. class? Anyone? If the thought of putting your jiggly ass on a treadmill or the thought of the no card diet has even crossed your mind say no. If your electric bill is behind say no. If you have just had surgery and are loopy on pain meds, I know these cookies sound like the only good thing in your life about now but just say no. 
Unless you fully understand what you are getting yourself into and are willing to make the commitment and get wallet raped for a box of cookies, just say no...

2. Be home for delivery...

I saw the curtain move, I know you are in there. Do you not see the 47 packages in my hand? Seriously, you are not that popular. You were in fact home at some point in this whole debacle, three weeks later and what happens? Did you become a freaking Internet sensation overnight? Were you the girl that burned her hair off? Was that your freaky ass doing the Harlem Shake? Come on fess up. No. Didn't think so. Answer your damn door. 

3. Answer the phone...

I know how this works. I call from my cell phone, the number is weird you send me to voicemail. I get it. I don't want some crazy person calling me either. But I leave a message letting you know that your cookies are in and not only leave my name and phone number but also give you my address, it is only fair since I know where you live, and my email, in case you have some sort of people interaction difficulties. Wait a minute, you are too hot to be home. I will call. Answer your damn phone

4. Pay for your cookies...

Payment for purchase. It is a novel idea right? I mean it has only been around since the turn of the mother effing century. I will drop off a check tomorrow, uhuh, its been 2 weeks and the amount of checks I have are nil. Strangers drop the "I am on a diet" or "oh I have to pay for these NOW?" and the "I can't afford these" Sorry asshole, I could care less that your same sized ass is now bothering you and that you decided to blow your paycheck on shoes because I can't afford this shit either. I didn't order $473 dollars worth of cookies and I feel no sympathy for your ass unless you have just been diagnosed with diabetes in the past 3 weeks. Maybe it is a rising epidemic I didn't know about in our area. Clearly, it's contagious and I need to be checked immediately.

Seriously, folks I am not Dog the GD Bounty Hunter. I shouldn't have to pretend I was fully trained by the FBI, CIA, and the Bill Collector Institute. I am just a mom with a daughter that happened to join the Girl Scouts. I know never again will any of my daughters be allowed to do any type of sales for the Girl Scouts. Never. Ever. It is like the blind leading the blind. The corporates know how this works. The kid gets all these orders and then the parents foot the bill when people don't pay up. In their eyes they won't fix what isn't broken. Someone please tell me there is some sort of relief fund to pay the grocery bill for the parents who have to spend a month's worth of grocery money on these cookies these people won't pay for...

There will be a follow up letter/plan for next year sent to the CEO or whatever the heck that lady is on how to make the cookie sales jump into this century...

32 comments:

  1. OMG! Don't get me started on G.S cookies. Oops, too late! My daughter is in G.S (first year) we just moved to this area and the only people we know are the girl scout mothers. The girl scout leader of her troop is a Bitch. she wants to exclude me from any of the out of town activities because I didn't sell any cookies. She doesn't think I deserve to go. Mind you she told all of this crap to another mother who I've become really close to. Although, I did 2 booths when leader only did one! My daughter has learned nothing from being in her troop, other than you listen when the Leader yells you listen!! Not sure we will be up for it next year. I can totally relate to your post!

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    1. Seriously, sounds like she is doing a FABULOUS job teaching those little girl scouts the character traits of an official asshole! I didn't realize ball busting bitch was a badge but clearly it is in your area..
      I LOVE our leader, so not all of them are like that

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    2. That's good to hear! She is always talking about the mom's behind their backs. I'm sick that troll. When this shit is over with, I'm going to tell her EXACTLY what I think of her and her leadership skills. I might even send a strong worded email to the girl scout higher ups! It won't be the first one they got about her. But, hopefully it will be their last.
      <>

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    3. You should send the letter. It is people like her that don't belong around children...

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  2. I get that the cookies are to make money for the scouts, but at this point the price has gone so high and the content has gone so low you may as well sell air.
    Every day people amaze me more. Not always in a good way, unfortunately.

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    1. I know! The girls actually love to go out and sell. There are better ways to get money. I could come up with 5 off the top of my head or to make the sales more efficient...

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  3. My girls aren't old enough to be in GS yet, but I remember when I was and my poor parents were essentially forced to take the order forms to their respective workplaces and sell them for me. I did go door-to-door a few times, but I'm not sure I learned any "business" skills, as the GS like to call it. Now, they just camp out in front of Walmart or Lowe's. Might as well stand at intersections.

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    1. Yep...or just take donations. We were pretty stupid and did a bunch door to door... The neighbors are nowhere to be found...

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  4. Ah, another reason why I'm glad I don't have girls! :) I remember my GS days when I actually had to go door to door and speak to adults on my own to get orders. Nowadays I'm bombarded at the grocery store entrance by moms selling cookies for their daughters. I duck my head, put my hand over my face and RUN as fast as I can into the store. I get that times are different and we have to be uber-cautious about living in general, but it's still possible to take kids door to door for sales. I find it endearing actually.
    There's a cute Boy Scout that's been selling popcorn to us for about 5 years and he makes us pay WHEN WE ORDER! It's a genius concept. The GS's should do that too.

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    1. I didn't take her, the hubs did. If we ever, I am saying if vaguely because there is no way in Hell it will, sell again it will be payment up front or we will buy the cookies outright and sell what we don't want..cookie for cash

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  5. I love the thin mints and there are no girl scouts in my neighborhood!

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    1. Eva I wish you were in my neighborhood. I have about 18 unclaimed boxes of Thin Mints...

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  6. It really does need to be $$ up front, I lucked out and only had to cover $15. It could be worse I guess have you seen this story?
    http://www.columbian.com/news/2013/mar/17/girl-scouts-cookie-prank/

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    1. I just read that... I am in for over 200.00 probably really 300.00 of unclaimed cookies. i'm writing the check to cover the funds today. Pissed doesn't come close to the emotion I am feeling right now.

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  7. You know I love you! You need to make a list of the orders and we'll all put them on our FB pages. When my daughter was a GS, she thought it would be fun to sell to a million strangers throughout our neighborhood. Remember how much I loved them all? We were stuck with a bill and I was stuck with some addresses for houses to egg.

    I am, however the lady who supports all the kids who were nice to my kids...Plus, I really would knock down a kindergartener for some Samoas. (even now that there are 4 cookies to a box)

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    1. Ha! I love you too Shellybean. Knock down a kindergartener hahaha! The portion sizes seemed a lot smaller this year...OR for the first time in my life I have a sweet tooth and eat more than one...and the number is dwindling now I'm under $200 in unclaimed, about $50 is family that arent exactly down the street and footing the bill for family is a lot different than footing it for a stranger...

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  8. You have been nominated for the Liebster Award. Check out this post and find out what it is all about: http://theuglytruthmom.blogspot.ca/2013/03/i-was-nominated-for-liebster-blog-award.html

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  9. My daughter just joined and became a girl scout. This is a good read and it will be helpful to us mothers. thank you ♥

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    1. I'm sure it's not all that bad. She sold to a lot of strangers which seem to be te problem

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  10. If they just didn't have Thin Mints, I could walk away. All the little sellers around here collect first - I commend their ingenuity (and overall distrust of humanity).

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    1. Ha! We have sold them before to just family and close friends, no big deal, this year the kid had high hopes and now I'm a couple hundred bucks poorer

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  11. Hilarious! I love the comment about the girl that burn off her hair. When I saw the video I couldn't stop laughing...poor thing, first and last tutorial video.

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    1. I know, it was so hard not to laugh and then all the news shows having a professional hair person showing her how to curl her hair... I'm pretty sure that girl will just stick with a flat iron or sock bun, I can't imagine her embarrassment, poor little girl

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  12. I sent this to a friend who fell victim to the girl scout mom syndrome she speed her pants!

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  13. The cool thing is I can pretend I don't speak English when I leave Wal-mart and the Girl Scouts descend upon me. There should be some sort of registry that tracks when people reneg on Girl Scout cookies.

    They could put a broken cookie icon on their driver's license. They'd be banned from any future purchase, and must pay $295 annually to a fund set up to cover moms who get shafted on delivery day.

    You should elect me to congress or something.

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    1. I would totally vote for you. I love that idea. The only thing I could pass for is a Dutch immigrant but me trying to have a Dutch accent would sound like a valley girl trying her hand at ebonics, just completely wrong...

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    2. Hearing that accent once in my life just made my bucket list. If I had one.

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  14. I completely understand. I sold girl scout cookies for 10 years. My mom followed me around as I knocked on random doors in 20 degree weather. You find these people so easily in February, but then when it comes time to actually deliver them they seem to no longer exist, even though you came at the exact same time of day. And really, no girl scouts came to my house this year. I want some caramel delights damn it!

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  15. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "I am not Dog the GD Bounty Hunter." Priceless.

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  16. Thank God I only have a boy...I never even thought about any of this! Do they have a Girl Scout Jail you could use?

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  17. If a girl scout gets in my face I get down low, tell her to tell her mommy that her cuteness is NOT for sale. That pushing her daughter into adult strangers paths is not only unsafe but sends a very disturbing message and that there must be better ways to make a buck. Scouting has passed its prime. Back to the tree house for a better idea.

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