Tuesday, February 26, 2013

How to look good...as a mom

The title had you, right?!? Ha. If nothing else I can explain the process of how I get ready to leave the house to meet with someone, like say the High School guidance counselor...


Step 1: Work until the very last minute only to realize you haven't showered yet today...

More than likely not yesterday either. The day before may be questionable, too. It doesn't matter what kind of work you do. Just manual labor, later in the list you will know why. Just trust me on this. Scrub the toilet while you're at it, the nastiest shittiest toilet in the house. Change a crap diaper if it is available.

Step 2: If at the computer, by all means let the children play with pens...

Just be sure to ignore them for a minute so you can do a few last things. You have shit to do. The kid knows better than to write on the walls. When you decide to do the "fun" things on the computer like laugh at stupid shit on Pinterest or roll your eyes at some of the hags on your Facebook feed, let the child sit on your lap with the pen, of course.

Step 3: Decide it will be Cheese Balls for breakfast...

The name contains a protein. They look cheesy. They have a lid that comes off like the cottage cheese lid. It's not in a bag. You have been given the ALL CLEAR. You know what, as a treat have some yourself. You deserve it.

Step 4: Make sure your washer is inadequate...or has a leak

I don't care what you have to do with it. Kick it. Wash a handful of tacks. Dig up that tar they put between the concrete in the streets, give that a little run through in the wash. Do whatever it takes. Clean clothes are overrated.

Step 5: Have a catastrophe while getting ready...

A kid can clog the toilet. Bite a sibling. Remove a shoestring. Put their underwear on and decide the only way to use the restroom is to cut them off. Wipe their ass with a clorox wipe. Anything, as long as it's catastrophic to the short people and you have to stop everything. NOW.

Step 6: Never ever fold laundry or put your shoes away...

Clean or dirty those little bitches stay in the basket. No questions asked. You are a mom, not a damn maid. You have plenty of other things to do like wipe piss off walls than to fold some laundry. Same goes for shoes. Putting shit away...we can leave that to Martha.

Step 7: Someone must have an illness...

Hit the Chuck E Cheese. Send the kid to Kindergarten. Let your kid chew on tissues left in parking lots. Whatever it takes. There better be some form of green slime emanating from someone short's face.

Step 8: Never look in the mirror before leaving the house...

This is just a given. You already know you won't have time. You are a mom, damn it, not a fashion model.


If you do all this, you will make a FANTASTIC impression on who you are meeting. New moms, veteran moms you can all learn from this.

 Every mom needs to look in the rear view mirror after a meeting to find:

*That the baby powder you used in your hair to "fudge" your shower is clumped on your scalp.
*There is a wad of toilet paper hanging from your pant leg, and it has a shit on it. Best part, you didn't even have time to crap yet.
*Your child has drawn on your shirt and when he was messing with your face, actually drew you a beard.
*There are two cheese hand prints, right across your tits.
*The leg of your pants is soaked. You would have known it if you had changed out of your slippers.
*You forgot deodorant, and there are orange clumps in your teeth. Makeup...yeah you only got to the concealer, you don't need the sun to have raccoon eyes.
*You realize you retrieved your pants from the "dirty" basket and someone has been courteous enough to wipe their green snot on the side of your leg.

This is how it is done. Always put your best foot forward when going out. Don't look down, sometimes it is better not to know that you have mismatched slippers...

26 comments:

  1. Your only mistake was to look in the rear view mirror afterwards. NEVER look in the mirror after a meeting, no good can come of it.

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  2. Man, this is good. Love the cheese balls for breakfast :) Where do you come up with all of this? lol!

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    1. Unfortunately this was my reality today... I bet you didn't know I was that dang glamorous

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  3. This totally sounds about right. I might have mismatched slippers on, but my kids usually aren't wearing any shoes at all because they wrestled them off and pitched them out the window on the highway.

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    1. Wow! Good to know I am not the only one who has had to make the walk of shame into a Walmart with a shoeless kid because it "just Flied out the winow, MOOOOHHM"

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  4. #2, #6, #8...Me, Me, Me. Also, if we don't stop with all the sickness, I am going to squeeze my ass into said leaky washer and turn it on. Everyone else can fend for themselves ;)

    This was hilarious!

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  5. #9. Do not prepare anything the night before that you may need to bring with you. That way, when you get where you're going you can fumble blindly through a purse, diaper bag and back pack finding everything from crayons to fish sticks, but not actually what you need.

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    1. Yep! Or you will find a trail from where you laid said preparated item to a closet somewhere where even a non edible item will have a bitten taken from it...

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  6. ... and this list is what makes mommies so.effing.hawt.

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  7. Hilarious! Poor thing ...my head already hurts just thinking about all the craziness that just happened!

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    1. I wonder what the counselor thought. Good thing my kids file was somehow deleted or he would have made a few notes in there about how I dress like I reside inside of wal-mart

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  8. Wow, this was perfect! I can't tell you how many times I've waited to shower and then realize after I've already picked my son up from school that "nah, too late. tomorrow. tomorrow, I'll shower for sure."
    Also? I have sharpie pen on my kitchen cabinet. From when I was standing RIGHT THERE. Ah.

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    1. Ha! You may try toothpaste on that sharpie... My sons made a racecar track on the hardwood floor with Sharpie and toothpaste. While cleaning up the toothpaste I accidentally found out that the toothpaste cleans the sharpie right off.. Baseboards, not so much- even seeps through paint..

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  9. Holy shit I am crying!! The tears out of the right eye are because this post is so so so funny! The tears about of the left eye is because this post is so so so so true. The part about the rear view after a meeting. God help me. I need this post on the fridge and in the glovebox. Dammit you got this shit down.... Have the reality show people called yet? Because the need to.

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  10. Oh, dear Lord. This is even more funny because it has happened to all of us at one time ofr another. Love the cheeseballs on the boobs. Breakfast of champions and fashion forward dressing. You've got it all :)

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  11. Holy cow....I have not laughed that hard in well...ever, I think. I had to stop reading because there were so many tears I couldn't see the screen!!!!!! HILARIOUS! Thank you!

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  12. Oh Lord this had me cracking up! You are a mom, damn it, not a fashion model. Love it!

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