Saturday, January 5, 2013

If my life was a reality show...

People tell me all the time my family needs their own reality show, sometimes I agree, most of the time I think I would just embarrass the shit out of myself and I would be condemned to a life of D list like the Boo Boo Family- even though I don't believe they should be, but that's another story for another day...But if my life was a reality show, this is what you would have seen...

( Wearing gray velour pants, a purple long-sleeved semi-fitted cotton shirt and a nude undershirt, mainly to cover the fact that the baby bump has outgrown the purple shirt. The shoes don't matter, no one ever sees the shoes, except the last year of Kate plus 8 because they had to show she ridiculously walked through airports and zoos in heels. But mine were gray and blue Adidas or I just was barefoot, since you were dying to know)

*A few days before yesterday ( the filming of this show) I cut off over 9 inches of my hair, on a whim. for the hell of it. I decided to dye it- myself. I usually get my hair dyed professionally and I just wanted it done NOW, and I didn't want to have to see anyone or converse or leave my house. Not because I don't like the person who does it- I do, I love her, but because I have been in such a foul mood everyone has a profanic middle name.  (looks at camera) "Great, it looks like I am going to be Ashley mother-effin leprechaun &^%^$%$%" -that was my last name and since I am semi-ish anonymous we will keep it a shift+numbers type of thing.

*After that, I realized it wasn't HORRIBLE that I did a shit job and missed a ton, totally not caring, and that my natural color came through... (turns to camera says) " Looks like the lazy bitch just won, folks..."

*You would see me walk into my closet to see the kids had destroyed it making a fort or who the hell knows what, because I try to stay out of their minds, start to think about cleaning it up   (turn to the camera) "Yeah that shit's not going to happen"

*The cameras would have caught me eat an entire bag of cheetos ( which is a rarity, I do not eat like crap) and look to the camera and say " Yeah, we're blaming that on the kids. I better wipe my hands on something to make it believable"

* You would have witnessed me do laundry. Apparently the washer decided to crap out. You would have seen my sitting on the laundry room floor catching water drips with tupperware lids. Then try to concoct some sort of drain out of aluminum foil, and then go back to the tupperware lids and add about 12 towels to soak up the crap job I did catching the water. The next load, you would see me find the problem, go out to the garage pull some duct tape of the corner of the broken couch- that I swear I will fix, or not, and use it to plug the hole in the washer. The used duct tape does not work so you would see me bring in the shop vac. You would be impressed that after a while I figured out a way to contain the water with the shop vac, tupperware lids and some old dryer lint. I would've then turned to the camera and said "Take that bitches." You would have seen later that I used sitting watching a load of laundry to make the teen girl cook dinner so I could sit and play on twitter and wait for the water to start coming out.

* You would've witnessed me making calls to try and track down just a REGULAR tetanus vaccine. The kid had his DTap, but can't get another one until he is 12 (only 9 now) but since the kid has railroad tracks in his head (staples) from a little game of indoor football he must have just the tetanus. You would have seen me roll my damn eyes, and actually jump up and down in excitement when I found someone who had the shot. On the way up to the place you would have seen me full out dance to "I am bringing sexy back" and the teen girl shake her head in embarrassment. You may have seen me sneak through an orange light, I would have looked at the camera and said "it's ok, there weren't any cameras."  When we get there, I will realize that I have forgotten my insurance card, realizing I only have 3% battery and I have to get a hold of hubs to fax or email it over. I would look at the camera as I make the call and say "We all know that motherfucker never answers his phone." But he did. The place had a big pillow/ottoman in the waiting room. Worst idea ever. My kids were body surfing on the pillow/ottoman. You would have witnessed me "calling" the husband and telling him to bring dessert home for just him and I and we were going to eat it in front of the kids because they were acting like assholes."

* Upon leaving the vaccination place you would have seen me looking at the gas count and seeing I had 7 miles until empty. You also would have seen me not be able to cut people off in time to get to the gas station and blindly driving down a road to find another one with the children reminding me every 7 seconds of the "distance til empty". Finally finding a gas station, pumping my gas and vomiting in the plant next to the pump because my pregnant self can't handle the fumes. I would have then turned to the camera and just said "Well Hell." You would have seen me scream at the top of my lungs "We're lost, we're fuuuuucking looooost... Oh never mind, I'm good."

* While still in the car you would've heard "Will.i.am and Britney.bitch come on the radio. I would've turned to the camera and say " I didn't realize we gave half baked the ok for a comeback, lets leave our mistakes behind us."

* Upon telling the hubs about the situation in the waiting room at the vaccine place, 3 -franken head, was complaining he wasn't going to get desert which the hubs tells him if he hadn't been jacking off in the house he wouldn't have needed the shot. ( Usually hubs says jacking around- I just think that mother effer just outed himself...) Which then I would've turned to the camera and " If he would've been jacking off than this wouldn't have happened either ( looking down at pregnant belly)"

The cameras would have turned off and maybe an interview would be going on. That would have been a whole day in a matter of 30 minutes. Clearly we could never be picked up by TLC, maybe MTV, but there would be a whole lot of bleeping. And big mommy bloggers would be putting me down and I would have to go ahead and dig up pictures of them bitches and put them on the show and draw mustaches and dig up their dirty secrets, airing them on T.V., it just wouldn't be pretty folks.Too much work and the SuperNanny would have to be declined, daily.







22 comments:

  1. I love you. I wish we were neighbors. That is all.

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  2. I lol-ed HARD.... thanks for that....
    good thing there was a potted plant for the puke... cuz nobody wants to see that shit on the ground lolol :P

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  3. I would totally save this episode on my DVR and watch it over and over again ;)

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  4. Well, the good news...its definately the making of a reality show...keeps you seeing what is coming next. = )

    Irish Carter
    www.dedicated2life.com

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  5. I think I should move next door to you. My 9, your soon to be 6, we'd be a freakin tourist attraction! We could charge people to stare at our houses and count all the little people running in and out. And if we really wanted to mess with them we could tell them we're like those Utah people and share one husband :p

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    1. Ha! It would be fun to live near my bloggy friends and their crazy kids. If nothing else we would all be stick thin from laughing so hard! Sue Diamond Phillips- you know you are included in that one :)

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  6. I'm pretty sure that's one reality show I would tune to!!!

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  7. Haha, it sounds a hell of a lot better than a lot of the shows out there. x

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  8. I think it was just the other day I was begging for your reality show... And my pregnant friend, this post is the proof it needs to happen! It's not just you, it's your awesome ass clan o kids!!! Thanks for the fucking hard ass laugh!!!

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    1. Thanks! I can't wait to hear about Ollie's shenanagans as he gets bigger

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  9. TLC! Lifetime! MTV! Just make it happen already. I laugh my butt off every time I read you; why not share that with everyone? Just remember us little people when you're rocking the heels to the zoo :)

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    1. Oh shellybean, you always make me feel better about myself and my crazy life :)

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  10. Haha, you are the BEST! You have me cracking up over here.

    And, legit, I'd rather watch it than like 99% of the other family-centered reality shows.

    Thanks for the laughs!

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  11. This made me laugh sooo hard!!! AND......

    I nominated you for a Liebster Award!! You can check out the details here:
    http://myyoungfamilylife.blogspot.com/2013/01/liebster-award.html

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