Friday, January 18, 2013

How to know if your child's coach is a complete moron...'

So last night #4 made his yellow belt in karate. He was excited. I was excited, mainly because I really had doubt he would rank up.  For testing a few weeks ago the child found a pair of sweatpants that were at minimum 4 sizes too large. They were falling down and it looked like he was trying to do a fast kick with a load of shit in his pants. Oh did I forget to mention that the kid doesn't wear underwear? Yeah, thank goodness I was too damn lazy to get laundry done and he had to wear his older brother's shirt or shit would've been real. Remember how I have a kid that barely wipes his ass? Yep that is the kid, so that was no metaphor my friends. Not to mention kid has absolutely no coordination or athletic ability, he looked like a rapper trying to jump on a trampoline while practicing ballet on stage, it was sad.

Last night was the award night. My two friends don't really care for the instructor, well one of them might, but the other is a teacher and she isn't quiet about her disdain for his methods. I could take him or leave him. I am/have been a volunteer coach for 3 year old's to teen girls, it takes a lot of patience, planning and quick wit to keep kids interested. I really got a chuckle when this man split up a bunch of white belt Kindergarten to 2nd grade kids and told them to make up a routine. Clearly, they had no business making up their own routine. This is when my teacher friend stepped in and helped the split up groups. Fortunately, my kid was in her kid's group so they didn't look like a bunch of nitwits flailing their arms together in a completely un-synchronized fashion. The other kids, well, for being made up by a bunch of kindergartners and only having adult direction for a few minutes it was pretty good. Anyway...

The instructor was up there giving his spiel about how he has gotten to know our kids, in which I was thinking I bet he doesn't even know my kid's name. Probably couldn't pick him out of a line up. Being a coach the first thing you do is learn the kids names, if you can't remember it go with George, maybe Fred. At least make it look like you know it and you are just being ridiculous. Well..... this is an exact scenario, my two friends can vouch.

" Over the past 17 weeks I have gotten to know your kids...."  Gets distracted by random, non-student children walking by and looks puzzled...."Were they in my class?..."

Ouch...Not to mention, when he was giving the awards and belts he mispronounced FIRST NAMES. Holy shit, all I could do is shake my head. For real folks, how do you see kids for 17 weeks and not know their name or how to read? For his sake I hope his contacts ripped in the car ride over. This is a po-dunk karate class, in an elementary school gym, it is not like he has 32 classes a week. TWO. Maybe he teaches another night somewhere else, but based on how well things are organized I am thinking this is just a part time gig. As I am still shaking my head laughing...

7 comments:

  1. I wish you lived here; my friend is a karate instructor and he is super-rad. I can't wait until the boy is old enough to start his lessons (a week and a half)!

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    1. Well enjoy your super rad karate instructor while we go to half-assed Sam. I promise I will only hate you for a minute :)

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    2. Holler if you ever move to Massachusetts!

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  2. You get what you pay for....no part-time gig for our instructor, who is at the Academy for 10 hours a day.

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    1. true...I think this guy knows what he is talking about karate wise, but is so overwhelmed by having to take care of his own paperwork and running things smoothly he forgets who he is dealing with. Hopefully that is the case and its not that he just doesn't care

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  3. As a coach, I'd say you'll want to forget the paperwork and running things smoothly and just really know the kids. Of course, I have only about 10 each on three soccer teams, so what am I talking about?

    I don't only want to be the kids' favorite coach ever, I'd kind of like to be her mom's favorite, too.

    P.S. I wish I coached your kid, just so I could read the raw shit you'd write about me.

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    1. I offered to take over the paperwork part. Partly because he needs it partly because I want to be able to stay an watch. Being a coach myself I am very fair to coaches, I know how the parents are far worse sportsman than their kids, so most of it stays in my head :)

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