Tuesday, January 22, 2013

When I make a promise...

Yesterday the kids were off school. Normally I love it when all the kids are home, but not in the dead of winter. They have so much energy it is unbearable. Don't get me wrong, they play ball in the house and jump on the couch and I am fine with that. Hell, half of our basement is a batting cage and the rest is set up for rollerblading and a hockey game. I even have old couch cushions stacked under the stairs so they can pull them out and have an indoor trampoline. I understand the need to release energy and they have many opportunities to do so. Yesterday they didn't choose to do those activities.

The girls were fighting over the cleanliness of their room and who was the last one to clean their bathroom. Then they were fighting over IF the baby was a girl who she would share a room with. It then escalated into accusing each other of choosing bad friends and then 2 told me that 1 was talking to boys on Facebook and that she sneaks out at night. Blah Blah Blah. It was pissing me off. It took everything to keep my Shut the fuck up inside.

The boys were running through the house and mooning each other. Boys are gross. It got to the point to which they were throwing toys at each other's bare asses and just being downright ignorant. I was done. I yelled, and no one listened they just kept on. That was the wrong thing to do..

I yelled you act like shit you clean shit...I started doling out chores left and right. They still were yelling from room to room at each other. WTF. So I promised them that this was going to be the most boring day of their  lives. They all had to be with me doing chores. They helped me clean out my closet, all the socks got  matched all the clean laundry folded. We all together cleaned the family room and the living room. I was rocking this parenthood shit.

We made lunch together, well I told them what to do and I watched. They weren't allowed to talk to each other because they proved earlier that they couldn't say anything nice so they couldn't say anything at all. We all ate lunch and I started giving out chores. I pulled the trash bag out and told 2 to take out the trash. She set the bag on her foot and then threw it off and ran to the bathroom. Again Wtf?  Apparently she cut her toe. She is a bleeder so it took a little while to be able to see how deep it was and to pick the bloody toilet paper out of it. Why the child reached for toilet paper...anyway. Yep, stitches. After sitting in the Urgent Care for hours, realizing she absolutely has no business picking out her own clothes, she walked out with 4 stitches. We then had to go to the Visiting Nurses to get her tetanus booster because apparently when she was a kid I took her ON her birthday for her shots.  I was such a mean mom back then. So that meant she needed her booster 2 days ago, on her actual birthday. Seriously, we are in an unlucky injurious stage right now. When I make a promise for the most boring day in their lives, I better be able to follow through... no more promises.

Friday, January 18, 2013

How to know if your child's coach is a complete moron...'

So last night #4 made his yellow belt in karate. He was excited. I was excited, mainly because I really had doubt he would rank up.  For testing a few weeks ago the child found a pair of sweatpants that were at minimum 4 sizes too large. They were falling down and it looked like he was trying to do a fast kick with a load of shit in his pants. Oh did I forget to mention that the kid doesn't wear underwear? Yeah, thank goodness I was too damn lazy to get laundry done and he had to wear his older brother's shirt or shit would've been real. Remember how I have a kid that barely wipes his ass? Yep that is the kid, so that was no metaphor my friends. Not to mention kid has absolutely no coordination or athletic ability, he looked like a rapper trying to jump on a trampoline while practicing ballet on stage, it was sad.

Last night was the award night. My two friends don't really care for the instructor, well one of them might, but the other is a teacher and she isn't quiet about her disdain for his methods. I could take him or leave him. I am/have been a volunteer coach for 3 year old's to teen girls, it takes a lot of patience, planning and quick wit to keep kids interested. I really got a chuckle when this man split up a bunch of white belt Kindergarten to 2nd grade kids and told them to make up a routine. Clearly, they had no business making up their own routine. This is when my teacher friend stepped in and helped the split up groups. Fortunately, my kid was in her kid's group so they didn't look like a bunch of nitwits flailing their arms together in a completely un-synchronized fashion. The other kids, well, for being made up by a bunch of kindergartners and only having adult direction for a few minutes it was pretty good. Anyway...

The instructor was up there giving his spiel about how he has gotten to know our kids, in which I was thinking I bet he doesn't even know my kid's name. Probably couldn't pick him out of a line up. Being a coach the first thing you do is learn the kids names, if you can't remember it go with George, maybe Fred. At least make it look like you know it and you are just being ridiculous. Well..... this is an exact scenario, my two friends can vouch.

" Over the past 17 weeks I have gotten to know your kids...."  Gets distracted by random, non-student children walking by and looks puzzled...."Were they in my class?..."

Ouch...Not to mention, when he was giving the awards and belts he mispronounced FIRST NAMES. Holy shit, all I could do is shake my head. For real folks, how do you see kids for 17 weeks and not know their name or how to read? For his sake I hope his contacts ripped in the car ride over. This is a po-dunk karate class, in an elementary school gym, it is not like he has 32 classes a week. TWO. Maybe he teaches another night somewhere else, but based on how well things are organized I am thinking this is just a part time gig. As I am still shaking my head laughing...

Saturday, January 5, 2013

If my life was a reality show...

People tell me all the time my family needs their own reality show, sometimes I agree, most of the time I think I would just embarrass the shit out of myself and I would be condemned to a life of D list like the Boo Boo Family- even though I don't believe they should be, but that's another story for another day...But if my life was a reality show, this is what you would have seen...

( Wearing gray velour pants, a purple long-sleeved semi-fitted cotton shirt and a nude undershirt, mainly to cover the fact that the baby bump has outgrown the purple shirt. The shoes don't matter, no one ever sees the shoes, except the last year of Kate plus 8 because they had to show she ridiculously walked through airports and zoos in heels. But mine were gray and blue Adidas or I just was barefoot, since you were dying to know)

*A few days before yesterday ( the filming of this show) I cut off over 9 inches of my hair, on a whim. for the hell of it. I decided to dye it- myself. I usually get my hair dyed professionally and I just wanted it done NOW, and I didn't want to have to see anyone or converse or leave my house. Not because I don't like the person who does it- I do, I love her, but because I have been in such a foul mood everyone has a profanic middle name.  (looks at camera) "Great, it looks like I am going to be Ashley mother-effin leprechaun &^%^$%$%" -that was my last name and since I am semi-ish anonymous we will keep it a shift+numbers type of thing.

*After that, I realized it wasn't HORRIBLE that I did a shit job and missed a ton, totally not caring, and that my natural color came through... (turns to camera says) " Looks like the lazy bitch just won, folks..."

*You would see me walk into my closet to see the kids had destroyed it making a fort or who the hell knows what, because I try to stay out of their minds, start to think about cleaning it up   (turn to the camera) "Yeah that shit's not going to happen"

*The cameras would have caught me eat an entire bag of cheetos ( which is a rarity, I do not eat like crap) and look to the camera and say " Yeah, we're blaming that on the kids. I better wipe my hands on something to make it believable"

* You would have witnessed me do laundry. Apparently the washer decided to crap out. You would have seen my sitting on the laundry room floor catching water drips with tupperware lids. Then try to concoct some sort of drain out of aluminum foil, and then go back to the tupperware lids and add about 12 towels to soak up the crap job I did catching the water. The next load, you would see me find the problem, go out to the garage pull some duct tape of the corner of the broken couch- that I swear I will fix, or not, and use it to plug the hole in the washer. The used duct tape does not work so you would see me bring in the shop vac. You would be impressed that after a while I figured out a way to contain the water with the shop vac, tupperware lids and some old dryer lint. I would've then turned to the camera and said "Take that bitches." You would have seen later that I used sitting watching a load of laundry to make the teen girl cook dinner so I could sit and play on twitter and wait for the water to start coming out.

* You would've witnessed me making calls to try and track down just a REGULAR tetanus vaccine. The kid had his DTap, but can't get another one until he is 12 (only 9 now) but since the kid has railroad tracks in his head (staples) from a little game of indoor football he must have just the tetanus. You would have seen me roll my damn eyes, and actually jump up and down in excitement when I found someone who had the shot. On the way up to the place you would have seen me full out dance to "I am bringing sexy back" and the teen girl shake her head in embarrassment. You may have seen me sneak through an orange light, I would have looked at the camera and said "it's ok, there weren't any cameras."  When we get there, I will realize that I have forgotten my insurance card, realizing I only have 3% battery and I have to get a hold of hubs to fax or email it over. I would look at the camera as I make the call and say "We all know that motherfucker never answers his phone." But he did. The place had a big pillow/ottoman in the waiting room. Worst idea ever. My kids were body surfing on the pillow/ottoman. You would have witnessed me "calling" the husband and telling him to bring dessert home for just him and I and we were going to eat it in front of the kids because they were acting like assholes."

* Upon leaving the vaccination place you would have seen me looking at the gas count and seeing I had 7 miles until empty. You also would have seen me not be able to cut people off in time to get to the gas station and blindly driving down a road to find another one with the children reminding me every 7 seconds of the "distance til empty". Finally finding a gas station, pumping my gas and vomiting in the plant next to the pump because my pregnant self can't handle the fumes. I would have then turned to the camera and just said "Well Hell." You would have seen me scream at the top of my lungs "We're lost, we're fuuuuucking looooost... Oh never mind, I'm good."

* While still in the car you would've heard "Will.i.am and Britney.bitch come on the radio. I would've turned to the camera and say " I didn't realize we gave half baked the ok for a comeback, lets leave our mistakes behind us."

* Upon telling the hubs about the situation in the waiting room at the vaccine place, 3 -franken head, was complaining he wasn't going to get desert which the hubs tells him if he hadn't been jacking off in the house he wouldn't have needed the shot. ( Usually hubs says jacking around- I just think that mother effer just outed himself...) Which then I would've turned to the camera and " If he would've been jacking off than this wouldn't have happened either ( looking down at pregnant belly)"

The cameras would have turned off and maybe an interview would be going on. That would have been a whole day in a matter of 30 minutes. Clearly we could never be picked up by TLC, maybe MTV, but there would be a whole lot of bleeping. And big mommy bloggers would be putting me down and I would have to go ahead and dig up pictures of them bitches and put them on the show and draw mustaches and dig up their dirty secrets, airing them on T.V., it just wouldn't be pretty folks.Too much work and the SuperNanny would have to be declined, daily.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The tale of a day gone wrong...

Yesterday was a day for the record books. It just seemed like one thing after another kept on happening. Whoops, it did.

The morning started out awesome with a car that wouldn't start. The damn thing is paid off and technically still under warranty so I shouldn't bitch too much. I could go get it fixed BUUT that would mean that I would have to clean it out. That mother-effer is nasty. I could easily pick the toys and the rotten McDonald's out maybe wipe some crayon off the doors, it would look better. But if you really look at that beast....Oh hell, a description would make you want to run to your car clean it out, buy ugly frilly little hangy shit to organize your car and possibly ruin you from the joy of having a cup of coffee and pastry in your own car while sitting in the drop off lane at school. We will leave it at, if it were a home that sob would be condemned, fumigated and quite possibly burned to the ground for the possibility of disease.

The finally car started and the kids and I made it to the wondrous land of Wal-Mart. Just walking in I am irritated. Irritated by the lights. Irritated that the person walking in at the same time as me was looking at my kids counting them. Irritated that a mother walking out was wearing real clothes and high heeled boots, like she is better than the rest of us bitches who wear tennis shoes with our jeans. I did quite enjoy when her child jumped off the side of her cart and she had to chase him. I so wanted her to fall. I'm evil I know, but I think she learned her lesson. It turned out the lady counting my kids was really nice, she was the youngest of 6 and  her family is now spread throughout the country so she likes to see big families, it brings back memories. Surprisingly, not everyone you meet at Wal-mart would throw you in the back of their pickup and tie you up with fishing line and gag you with a crushed can of Keystone. We got our crap, the kids were good.

I thought I would try my luck at another store, the beauty store. The kids were not bad. They touch things and make fun of it or goof off. They won't intentionally break things or be malicious they just goof around. Which, as an adult I do the same damn thing. You do too, especially when shopping with friends. But for a kid it is socially unacceptable. People have this dipshit notion kids should be seen, not heard and that if a kid touches something they are either a) going to break it or b) going to steal it. I hate people for this, but it is what it is. The lady at the store saw they were just goofing off and watched and laughed without that "I am going to catch you" eye. I bought some hair dye, I had low lights about a month ago, I do every November because the sun bleaches my hair like crazy but in the winter I have roots the 80's would want, so I have to even it out. Well apparently with this pregnancy my hair is getting DARK, not the dirty blonde it usually does- almost brown. My eyebrows are still light so I have to color them in. Every morning I feel like a damn clown coloring in my eyebrows and when I sweat or wipe one off I look like a fucking goon. Anyway...

I went out to get my hair cut.  My hair was down to my waist it was always getting caught or sat on or pulled and people thought I was Mormon. I have so many kids they think I am some creepy religion- exactly why I never wear a skirt too. I used to wear cute sundresses with flip-flops, I was stopped so many times and asked if I knew that family who had so many children or if I was their same religion and that was when the Duggar's just did the one-hour specials. Back to the facts...So I took two kids with me #2 and #5, they were well behaved. I left the other two with the teen. She is old enough to babysit, took the damn class, baysits other people's kids all the time, and even watches her siblings while I run a quick errand. Just like any other day I left only two with her. I had this sweet lady cut my hair, she was fantastic the oldest of 8 and just had a son over the summer. I loved her. Usually my cousin cuts my hair but I just couldn't deal anymore I wanted it done THAT SECOND. Believe it or not folks, I am not wearing this pregnancy well.

I looked at my phone after the cut...16 test messages from the teen. Oh shit, a picture is now coming through. WHAT THE FUCK. Number 3 has a gash on his head. Son of a bitch, seriously! Apparently they were playing football in the house, 3 like always was being way too competitive and from there details get sketchy... 3 says 4 pushed him because he was mad. 4 and 1 have the same story of they were "wrestling" over the ball and he was accidentally pushed into the outside corner of the wall. Either way, it was 2 hours, 75 dollars, and three staples. The evening ended up with a major talk about playing fairly, why we are not allowed to play ball in the house and how even if someone is an asshole you still can't push them. And 4 had to be 3's servant for the night. Like I said, a day for the record books...