Thursday, December 27, 2012

It's been a while folks...

It's been a while folks... refill your coffee, grab a diet coke, or get out the corkscrew, it's time to catch up.

So I have been a little missing, not just from you but from my real life friends too. This pregnancy has kicked my ass. Maybe it is regular symptoms and I am just getting my dose of reality. Whatever it is, I am asking you not so kindly to go the hell away. So since it has been a while, and I know you all are DYING to hear what I have been up to.

 I can do this in a half-ass interview form. Just pretend Ellen DeGeneres is asking the questions...


Ellen: You said WTF in front of a nun, I need some back story...(she is definitely shaking her head)

Well I had to take my son to get his tooth re-glued.

Ellen: re-glued?

Yeah, he knocked his tooth out at 3, I called every dentist in the metro-area until I found one who would put a fake tooth in. I have issues, I know.

Ellen: Ok, about this nun...

So we were in the waiting room, the kids were looking at the fish tank. There was a nun in her Sister Act get up, reading. Out walks a man from the exam room and sits down next to me and sets his dentures on the coffee table. I couldn't believe what I saw. Shocking, really. Who throws their falsies all willy-nilly like on the coffee table. I mean shit just doesn't happen like that, its partly bazaar and the other part just plain fucking nasty. I have 4 (6yrs,boy) and 5 (4yrs,boy) looking at the fish tank, I am praying that they stay at the fish tank. Nothing gets past these kids, they would call that SOB out in a second. I thought since I had back up with that damn God cheerleader sitting right there God would at least hear this one. Maybe he needed a laugh or was testing me, because the kids came over.

Immediately, 5 looked at the table and said "teeth". The owner of the dentures picked them up and HANDED HIM TO MY SON.

Ellen: Wait, he handed his dentures to your son? Man, I already need a drink...

Yes, he handed his slobbery ass porcelain teeth to my son. What else was there to do? I WTF'd it. There clearly was no other option. I WTF'd it in front of the nun, in front of the other patients, in front of the office staff. I WTF'd it in front of God. There are no other words besides a WTF to describe the exact feeling of seeing some man hand his dentures to your child. None.

Ellen: What did the nun say, was she shocked? Did she condemn you to Hell?

No, she just nodded her head. I think she got it. She probably didn't approve of the language. But, clearly, the shock of the situation. She got that.

Ellen: What did you do? Did you throw them at him? How did he respond to the WTFing of the denture hand-over?

Hell no, Ellen, I didn't touch them. Shit, I didn't touch my kid for two days. The man took them back and told the kids when they are around 50 they would get their own. Like it was a damn prize for aging. I had to step back from the parenting. This man was about to get what those kids dished. You don't hand out your teeth like Halloween candy and not have some sort of repercussion.

Ellen: So what did 4 say? I hear he  has a knack for telling it like it is...

Oh yes, Ellen the kid is something. He tells you exactly what he thinks. He has no problem with that. And this  man was no exception... He just looked at the man in disgust and shook his head and nonchalantly just said "You probably should have brushed your teeth".  The kid can't lie...

Ellen: WOW

Yeah, it's just how shit gets done around here..

Ellen: No kidding, I would love to hear more but we are out of time. Maybe next time you come back you can tell me about the drunk elves wrapping your Christmas presents..

I would love to!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Maybe I really am a Princess?

So I thought that Princess Kate was a big-assed baby going to the hospital for morning sickness. I am pregnant too. I am sick at least 10 times a day. What do the normal folk do? Pop some Tums and carry a plastic bag in their waistband. Wear a scarf so we can mask odd smells in the grocery store. We don't go all Hollywood exhaustion and commit ourselves to the hospital for days on end, that is ridiculous.

I thought she was ridiculous, until the other day. I had chest pains, like crushing chest pains. Can't breathe chest pains. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. I have been around the block a few times with heart issues. I was born with a hole in my heart and had it fixed as a teen. I can now successfully freak the shit out of an X-Ray tech when I get a chest x-ray. It looks like I have a bullet in my heart, it is kind of funny to see them look at me after it is done. They don't look you in the face, especially if you can hardly move because you have pneumonia or some shit like that. Anyway I have had some other issues too. I fully believed I was having a heart attack.

I called the back of the insurance card because I needed to know where to go. It was getting bad, there is a hospital 2 minutes from my house but it isn't "in-network". I talked to the nurse and she told me to call an ambulance. Yeah, I am not doing that. Thing is, I am not too fond of the neighbors around here. They are a bunch of stuck up pricks, I am not going to give them a reason to come poke their damn noses in my business. They can go have their own damn heart attack.

So I got there and the doc and nurse were super nice. They probably thought I was being a big baby. They did the x-ray and the aspirin and the Ekg bullshit. The blood work and all. Turns out I wasn't on the verge of death. Apparently throwing up ten or more times a day for 6 plus weeks straight can do a doozy on the joint between your ribs and can cause inflammation in your esophagus that makes you feel like something is stuck in there and you can't breathe. I was just being a fucking worry-wort hypochondriac princess.

It is almost embarrassing I was trying to write a will on an old bank receipt. Trying to come up with some profound words of wisdom for my kids on the sheet of a hospital bed, that's borderline padded wall crazy. I am glad I am ok, but I feel like a complete moron. So what else is there to do with that embarrassing info than to share it with my peeps :)

Friday, December 7, 2012

Secret Subject Swap...Plastic Surgery of Parenthood

I am doing the Secret Subject Swap. Karen from Baking in a Tornado came up with this genius scheme.
The subject is from Sanity Waiting to Happen. She wanted me to write an essay to convince the country's top surgeon of why I need a _____job.

The thing is I've had 5 kids, the sixth is on the way. My body isn't great or perfect but I am ok with it, really. I couldn't see getting plastic surgery at this point in my life and making something up would truly do her well thought out subject absolutely no justice. It would be unfair to her to just vomit some words so I am going to spin it, and I hope she likes it.

The Plastic Surgery of Parenthood... It will never be the same

Parenthood brings about many changes to our outward appearances. Most of them are not sought after. Let's go over a few..

1) Boobs
Some of you ladies may be lucky enough to gain a cup size during pregnancy and maybe keep it a little after.
Not me. I am currently pregnant and guess what my bras are too big. Yes you heard that right. I loose tits every damn time I am pregnant. It is a sad state. I hope Heff never asks me to pose because it would take one hell of a photoshop scheme to get this saggy shit to resemble normal. 3 kids ago I was a full C, now the gals look like a sumo wrestler sat on an exercise ball and then tried to patch the holes with stretch mark printed duct tape. Seriously its as ridiculous as filling a sock with vanilla pudding and taping it to the ceiling and expecting it to look like a perky erection. Maybe one day I would consider fakesters but for now they are in the running for an all night dairy job so they will have to make do.

2) Hair
Somehow parenthood just screws with your hair. All the highlights in the world can't cover up that haven't taken a shower in 3 day shine. I am not going to lie. I have done the baby powder or flour in your hair quick fix. The flour is a bitch to get out. It clumps up like pie dough. You go through enough crap in parenthood, wearing food in your hair on purpose is just a little much.

3) Thighs
Lets face it. After a kid you get cellulite. It is a fact of life. It sucks. That is probably the only thing on my body that I really don't like and am not at the point where I can laugh at it. I guess it is not that bad. At least the back of my thighs don't look like they have multiple cellulite vaginas. I have seen that, I don't want it. If I had it I would barbed wire that shit up and pull it up to my chin. My thighs aren't that bad but they do look like I have unironed trousers under my skin filled with tootsie rolls and gumballs. It's not pretty folks but it is reality.

4) Stomach
I do have to say for having 5 kids my stomach is not bad at all. Seriously, I wore a bikini last summer. I didn't sit down and you bet your ass my stomach was flexed and I took really shallow breaths the whole time, but I pulled it off. I have scars on my stomach from having my gallbladder out and my bellybutton looks weird because its fake. THANK YOU MOM for not making me run around my entire life with a little weenie hanging off where my belly button should have been, I will be forever appreciative. (She probably just did it because she was tired of me standing up to pee with my boy cousins and leaving a puddle on the floor, anyway back to the subject at hand.) I have seen some nasty stomachs in bikini's not all of them result from a nine month plan, some of them were the 14 year snickers and dorito plan. Either which way you go, it is never the same.
* And my tried and true secret to a flat stomach after kids...You bind the Hell out of that stomach. After my second I had this foreign doctor, she scared the shit out of me ripping the sheet with some sort of tool and wrapping me up as tight as she could. I wholeheartedly thought I was being taken hostage and my internal organs were going to be sold one by one on the black market, but they weren't. The lady knew what she was talking about and I have done it with every kid since. Guess what folks, even after number 5 my waist was 29 inches*

5)Ass
After kids your ass sags. I blame it on the incredible amount of hormones. I mean they are rushing through your body and it only makes sense for them to fill in the back as much as the front. It is a matter of balance people. So what happens after the stomach is gone? The ass deflates or just rotates around and settles into weird spots but the skin is stretched. It is done. That Brazil Butt lift commercial wants you to worry if you can hold a pencil between your butt cheek and your thigh. Watch out Leandro this bitch can hold a two by four. I guess I will keep it that way. It does come in handy when I build shelves and other bullshit like that. But again your ass will never be the same.

6) Love handles
Whoever came up with the term love handle is a complete moron or his term went astray. Seriously, if a man grabded the fat caps on top of your hips and said I want me some of that, what are the odds he would get laid? His ass is going to be walking away with an icepack between his legs. I guarantee it won't be from overuse. The fact is that you get them after pregnancy, where else is that extra skin supposed to go? We sure as hell don't want it moving south.

7) Skin
After you have kids your skin is just dull. Maybe once the kid comes we don't take the time or the money to use the fancy face wash with those scrubbing beads everyday. After a few years the only way to get that teen glow is with sandpaper and crisco, and after that crap soaks in you will look like you have been hoarding McDonald's...in your skin.

 I'm sure there is plenty more, I am sure we could all write a book about what kids do to our bodies. Probably a series on what it does to our sanity or our livers but that can be for another time.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Day that has forever changed my relationship with...

I had to get bloodwork the other day. My phone was almost dead. Probably the worst possible thing that could have happened. I witnessed the absolute nastiest thing I could imagine. Something I shouldn't talk about it is so vile.

And older lady and her really old mother came in and stood at the counter. They were talking about the lunch they just had. No big deal, right? It was almost cute. For a minute.

I saw the daughter pull something out of her purse. It was a tupperware container. For a second I still had my innocence. I thought it was sweet she would bring the lab techs pudding.

I have been forever scarred. The lady informed the tech the sample was fresh and has not been frozen yet. I made a big mistake looking at the container again. I grabbed the trash can and ran into the hallway. When I returned all I could say was you need a new bag.

First of all, it is fucking gross to shit in a plastic container. Whatever sick twisted individual who thought it was acceptable to make that container clear needs his testicles sliced. There are no two ways about it, his ass should have been shot or at the very least he should have been caught on fire. That man is a dipshit.

Second of all, who the hell puts a pile of shit in their purse without wrapping it in plastic? I've used Tupperware. That shit leaks. I went batshit when gravy dripped in my fridge. I would have wrapped that package of anal carnage with a SAMs club sized package of trash bags and duct taped that bitch to a pole. No way in hell it would be seen, let alone just tossed all willy nilly like in my purse. People are freaks and nasty. This was the day that has forever changed my relationship with pudding.