Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sunday morning convo turns Sex Ed...

The kids and hubs were laying in bed, I'm in the closet getting clothes. Someone noticed 4 was naked, why it was a surprise is to everyone is beyond me. I guess sleeping in the buff is highly inappropriate, but daytime nudeness is normal? You wonder why I don't have kid pics? It's hard to catch a pic sans bare ass in my house. Anyway convo goes like this...

Hubs: it's ok I sleep naked too sometimes.

Kids: what?!? Why?

Hubs: I probably shouldn't, it's not safe when you sleep with mom, one of her long ass hairs might get wrapped around it..

3: around your winkie?

Hubs: or your sack...

3: what's that?

Hubs: well there are two parts. The sack is where your baby maker is and your wink is for peeing.

3: so I am going to have 2 kids?

Hubs: I guess

3: so you are going to have 2 more kids, you had 7 in there?

Me: all right I've heard enough about wanks and junks, we're done here.

The whole time 4 is laughing taking in all this information more than likely to teach his kindergarten class tomorrow. So if your kid comes home tomorrow with questions about sacks and weens, blame the hubs..

I had no problem talking with the girls about this type of stuff but I'm thinking I'm sitting the boy talk out. Maybe I shouldn't the hubs has them thinking after their balls are gone from having two kids its automatic castration...

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Why I paint my nails in the car...

I know this is random but I'm going to tell you why I paint my nails in the car. And maybe why you should too...

1) It covers the smell of rotten McDonald's in the backseat along with that extra package of chicken I bought and forgot about a couple summers ago. The smell will not leave.

2) There is rarely a chance I will ever be called to wipe a child's ass.

3) I won't have to clean up anything, the car is already fucked, if you spill something in there I'm guessing the carpet genie will suck it straight thought to the pavement beneath...

4) I only have to control the wheel and the radio. I don't do the passing toy shit and if you ask I will turn up the radio and act like I want to hear the commercials...

5) I don't have to break up fights with my hands, slamming of the breaks and stopping in the middle of the road is warning enough...

Now I don't do this while driving... I buckle the shits in and do it in the driveway. And I can barely keep the car in between those tiny ass lanes as it is so could you imagine me driving with my knees and painting? So there ya go folks, now go sit in your driveway and paint your nails, thank me in the comments area for your perfect manicure. Oh and put a little lotion on your fingers so the polish doesn't stick to your cuticles...

Friday, September 28, 2012

You wiped with what?!?

The kid, not naming names, woke up with the shits. He sleep pisses in every place you can imagine so I am happy he made it to the toilet.

For the moment I was excited that he got into the bathroom to piss, until I heard it. So I ran upstairs to grab a roll and by the time I made it down stairs he was leaving the bathroom. I asked him if he wiped. Because I sure as hell wasn't cleaning the remnants of what I just heard out of his shorts tomorrow, or ever. He said yes. I asked with what? He pointed. Holy mother fng jesus this kids ass hole is going to have bleach blisters. I tried to get him into the shower but he was still asleep. My kid wiped with dual action Lysol wipes. It is essentially sandpaper dipped in bleach.

I have so many questions, such as did you think it was toilet paper? Why do you suspect the toilet paper was wet, do you normally use wet tp? When you you felt bleachy sandpaper upon your ass, why did you continue? Did it burn? Do you think kitchen cleaner will keep you from having skids?

All these questions will never be answered because the kid sleep shit...

My daughter's guest post...

So the kid thought she needed to write a post on my blog. Here ya go folks, from the mouth of a 14 year old girl. Consider yourself warned....


Today my mom woke up early to see if my books came in, so I woke up early to.  After the kids went to school she let me give her a makeover.  I thought I did a good fricken job!! I mean, it might have looked like she had a black eye, but it just gave her character.  The makeover went fabolous, so I thought!  Well now my mom is beautiful, now that she let the pro do her makeup!  So after I did her makeup, she went on to tell me how gorgeous I was, and how much she loves me..and how I have always been her secret favorite.  Which I totally saw coming..I mean common! Look at me(;  I am the dream child.  Well I think I finally got her to admit that the only reason that she had more kids was because she wanted one just like me, but it was a huge disapointment with the next 3 kids.  Finally, when she was pregnant with my "baby" brother, she prayed everynight that he would be just like me.  Well her prayers were answered!  She got another perfect child.  
After that conversation, I told her about how mean girls are to eachother, and started reading her some comments from girls on facebook being just straight up RUDE to eachother.  She told me that if me and the girl that I don't really like (we have been fighting sinse the begining of 6th grade) joined forces, then she would be scared of us.  She told me that if we were friends, then the entire school would be under our control.  Which is totally true.  You see, we are the nicest people on Earth until you make us mad.  When we get mad, it means war.  We would both knock down a brick wall just to get even.  We probably wouldn't be fighting anymore, but neither of us back down to anyone.  Which is why we should be friends.  We could take over the world..and break this girl's face..I mean, really who starts something on facebook about a joke? Well I got really mad when I saw most of the things she was saying.  It was rude.  Nobody should make fun of someone based ont here religion, and what they look like!  I mean it's rude.  
Well this was all my mom's idea.  And half of these words are probably spelled wrong, so yeah.  I know what you guys are thinking..I AM WAY FUNNIER THAN MY MOM!! and way more awesome!! (:

And she doesn't think she needs to take spelling. Ha! Look what I have to live with...That's ok I love her!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The teen party in the city?

My teen girl just turned 14. I swear she has bipolar tendencies. She is the most awesome kid one minute laughing and joking and the next a raving lunatic. I don't get it, I can't even try to relate to that kind of crazy.

Her friend is having a party. In the city. My first thought was Hell to the NO. Why the hell would someone from the suburbs have a damn party in the city. The city that is #3 on the highest crime rate list in the whole United States. I will tell you honestly I have walked the streets of Manhattan alone at night and I will not walk the streets of St. Louis alone, even in broad daylight. Don't get me wrong I love parts of the city, but it is not a place for kids to go to a party. Some parts are ok, most are not.

So I listened to all the people from the county who were going and I asked where this party was. It is on a state street. A fucking state street. You have got to be off your damn rocker to think I am letting my kid go to a party on a state street! Hell to the MOTHERFUCKING no!

 It is well known in the county not to step foot near a street named after a state, a president or Martin Luther King, Jr-  in the city because they are not safe. I asked my friend, and she flipped her lid too, I take it she has heard that one before too! I thought that would suffice, hell no kid is like a rabid dog with a kid with full of peanut butter on his face. She's not stopping until she can chew everyone's head off or go.

There have been numerous random murders in the past few weeks, it scares me. She doesn't understand. She thinks it is the end of the world. She was pulled out of school to homeschool after so many horrible happenings, maybe I feel like she has been through too much and I am overprotective. I don't know but the thought of searching the streets to bring my kid home in a body bag does not sound like how I want to spend my weekend. I don't think she realizes at a party people can come in slip something into her drink, if they are feeling nice, and drag her off. Nobody will realize for a while. That is 5 minutes, 10 minutes, maybe an hour that this scaredy cat kid will be left to her own devices. I am not cool with that. Do you think I am overprotective, crazy?

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Walmart you are a troll.

I was on twitter hanging out with my tweeps discussing an upcoming potluck wedding. Everything was fine and dandy until one of walmart's fine trolls sent me a tweet. I am almost too embarrassed to even write this, but I am even more embarrassed for Walmart thinking I support them.
Look at the picture below. Does it appear I am in any way shape or form promoting Walmart?

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I did my first Guest Post!

Today my first guest post is over at Life on Peanut Layne. I am so excited. It is another installment in her soccer series. The people of Saturday morning soccer. It's fun! Run. Go.Check. Click on the link and enjoy with a beverage of choice. Coffee, tea, diet coke or something in a glass bottle, all are welcome!

Friday, September 21, 2012

My kid touched it and damn near killed some people...

My kid just did something to make 2 grown men trip over air while almost causing them to shit their pants and have mini strokes...

Let's take this back a few months or a year, whatevs. It was late October, a team made it into the playoffs on a wild card and they fought hard and wouldn't give in. I am a huge fan, I am sure I damaged my liver drinking and watching every game, the second to the last game about made me loose my mind too, down by two tied, almost every inning and finally winning that game. This team is the St. Louis Cardinals. The 2011 World Series Champions.

They had a piece of memorabilia at the field my son plays at tonight so we decided to go see. There was a little line, we waited the kids were dancing on the tables they were so excited. We watched people take picture after picture but yet no one got too close.

The sales person for large groups was there, in charge of the memorabilia. He was a tiny little squirt so we will call him tiny-smalls. He had a big world series ring. He was mighty impressed with the ring even though he actually did not earn it himself. He reeked of small man complex. He was chatting it up and showing off that huge ass ring on his short man hand. It came up to our turn to take a little peek. We walked up I was telling kids where to stand for the picture and 4 walked right up and touched it. He touched the World Series trophy. That's right my kid fondled the World Series trophy. Like it was a toy, like it was nothing, just rubbed up all over it.

Tiny-smalls and his posse about shit their pants tripping on air while having mini-strokes to stop him... All my kid said "it feels fake". By the way they flipped out it obviously wasn't a fake. Tiny-smalls clearly forgot his DO NOT TOUCH sign and was paying little attention to the trophy itself, more to the accomplishment he didn't earn, the ring.  So there you have it...My kid is probably the only kid who has touched the World Series Trophy and he thinks it's a big pile of fake shit. Have fun polishing the ice cream off it tiny-smalls...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

What a woman will do for caffeine...

This morning the hubs car wouldn't start he so nicely took mine. Yesterday I finally got it liscensed, yes, my friends I had been rolling dirty for a while. I could finally drive, I was excited! Now not so much...

My coffee pot has been broken for a while so I have been running to the gas station before the hubs leaves for work to get a Diet Coke. This mom runs on caffeine and adrenaline during the day and maybe a little beer, or wine if I am feeling fancy, in the evening. But daytime caffeine is a MUST!

I go out to start the car, yep still doesn't work. I have a few options..
1. Walk to the gas station. 2) Call my friends and beg for a soda or 3) Google it and fix the car.

Walking was out, I don't get out of my pajamas or at least change into presentable ones until I have my caffeine. If I walk in my horrid pajamas someone may call the Funny Farm to pick me up, I am probably on the wait list because the crazy shit my kids do anyway.

Option 2 was out, my friends had already left for work and I couldn't ask them to turn around and sit back in traffic, that would just go too far. I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it.

Onto option 3. Since I don't change out of my pajamas until my caffeine and the car was not in the garage, there was only one thing to do. I pushed that bitch into the garage. At the time I didn't think about the fact that the car could roll backwards and kill me.  That wasn't in the plans for today, so it just couldn't happen.

I pushed the car into the garage and pulled out every tool that looked car-ish and I took out my phone and Googled the symptoms. Google was taking too long to load or search. Obviously "car making a gnnnnnnrrrr sound" has no matches.  I was in the garage, in my homely pajamas with the street crew right outside and I screamed "GOOGLE DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!!!". One of the workers must have seen me push the car into the garage and thought I did  in fact run myself over with my non-functioning car. That was nice of him, I almost asked him to get me a soda. But again, too much to ask. He informed me I should put in "ignition won't turn over". That worked.

I unhooked the battery and fiddled with some shit. I don't pray very often but God understands my need for the caffeine, so I prayed. Now I am locked into reading the bible to my kids tonight. It worked! I am so glad! And thankful, and now because I am in the asking mood I have another thing to ask for, but that will be in a different post...

I get to the gas station and there is a new guy working the drive thru. He is a cutie but he is the dumbest motherfucker I've seen in a while. Obviously, he should be kept around on looks alone. Mama needs some eye candy. So I got my soda and asked for some blow pops for the kids since they were so good other than taunting me while pushing the car into the garage. The man forgot the straw, gave me Diet Pepsi and tootsie pops. I took a drink and gagged. I have decided I am going to go pick this man up a restaurant order pad, in a thousand pack because he has shit for brains and maybe a little list would help...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Things you can learn in a DMV....

I had to visit the DMV today here is what I learned.

1. I am probably the only person in America who can actually get pulled over in the parking lot of the DMV
    for expired plates. No ticket thankfully...

2. Purses made entirely of bird feathers and yarn are in fact in style...

3. A girlfriend in line along with you becomes very upset when her boyfriend is staring at you. She uttered
   words such as "she is really not that pretty" and "did you see her from behind?"  All of which I just smiled
    and looked at her 16 month faux pregnant belly, she didn't take it well...

4. If you ever have any questions in life...Obesity is always the answer...

5. I have found the person who broke into The Museum of Horror and stole the 1970's discontinued sueded
    fringe jacket. I expect a reward in the mail...

6. Neon colored headbands and shoe laces along with the Punky Brewester shoe trend are back in. There
   was a lady who was a real treat in a button up blouse, swishy pants, one flowery fake converse and an
   athletic sandal with a gangrened toe, she is now my fashion idol...

And last but not least:


7. Asking the close standing patrons who are looking at your phone while you are using it if you can snap a
    picture of the nosiest fucks in America can in fact get your thrown out of a DMV...apparently there is a
    sign about combative behavior I missed. I got off with a warning...



Dinner Out with a side of Jerry McGuire...

Last night the fam and I went out to dinner. Well Number 2, 5th grade, signed up to work a shift at Culver's, I don't know who the Hell okay'd that shit, but whatevs. The kids were pretty good, considering that they never get taken out to eat. Number 3, 3rd grade, felt the need to wear sunglasses and a hat inside the place, upon asking why he said " I gotta shield myself from the crazy peeps". Damn I knew I should've brought  my hat and sunglasses, sometimes kids have a higher brand of intelligence than we do.

So 2 was wiping the tables like a mad woman, wiping and re-wiping even if the table hadn't been occupied since the last time she wiped it. Someone came up and tried to give her a tip. She declined. The boys couldn't believe it! This is where the side of Jerry McGuire comes in..

3: You gotta say it Jerry

5: Show you the money

3: Come on Jerry say it with some heart

5: SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

3: Say it again Jerry

5: SHOW!!! ME!!! THE!!! MONEY!!!

4: SHOW ME THE MONEY, bitches

3: Alright Jerry, your in.

The 3 boys break out in dance...

The majority of the restaurant was entertained, there was a couple in the corner not so much. As far as I am concerned free entertainment at a charity event for a school should involve at least live music or a skit of some sorts. It's only fair that way...

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Ketchup with Us #2

Macaulay Culkin

In the day I would never have let him be home alone.
If he would've just given me a chance. I prayed. Dear God
let him find me, I will love him forever.



imbd.com


INF photo
telegraph.co.uk



Sometimes the best things in life
are unanswered prayers. -Garth Brooks.

Kid party turns me into the biggest asshole in America...

I will probably loose a few friends over this, but at this point I could give a shit less. I just had one of the worst 4 hours in my existence. This is 4 hours of my life that I will never recover from. A kid party.

To start off this party was for my kid's friends little brother. It is a long story of the parent and my friendship. Since I don't air my dirty laundry onto the internets, I will not share. But it is a doozy.

The party was at the recently deceased great grandmother's house. It was disgusting. I mean like a Goodwill that has been shut down for the last 10 years and still has shit everywhere. It was just bazaar, and circa 1940-ish- being nice. It smelled like death covered in dust.

It was a family party. the family was like a bag of derelicts. I shit you not the cousins would make the "Ermegehrd" girl feel sorry for them.  The kids were brats, and I was scared to even go into the house to retreat from the cross-eyed overbite cousins.

I had to pee. I went into the bathroom and the toilet was a lovely shade of lilac. Yes, the toilet was lilac stained with old folk urine. I couldn't take it. There is no way my ass was going near that. I had two options. 1: Piss my pants and act like I spilled a drink on myself. I had perfume in my purse to cover the smell of urinated pants, so that my friends seemed like a viable option. Or 2: Drop trow in the front yard of a house on a busy street. I figured even if I had to wait to get to a jail cell at least the facilities are probably cleaner.

I went with option 3. I put my shirt over my face and went in. As I was hovering I looked down. In the trashcan was an adult diaper. Tears filled my eye wells and I leaned over into the sink and puked. I could not fucking believe there was an adult diaper in the trashcan. I just couldn't believe this shit, who the hell allows this? Some derelict motherfucker, that is who.

It wasn't bad enough to deal with the dead grandma house, the derelict children running amuck but an adult diaper. I am scarred. I can't take it. I wanted to take back my present and leave but my car was blocked. I was trying to plan an escape route to drive through the yards and get to a road.

I knew nobody. I am a very social person, I can make friends with most people. You have to be pretty god damned bad for me to snub you. I didn't talk to one of them. I don't know if they bussed these folks in from the worst trailer park in the continental U.S. but, I could not bring myself to stand next to them let alone socialize.

This was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I am not going to lie. I am THE biggest asshole in America. I stole beer from a dead woman's fridge.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Blog Idol 2012..

I have decided to try out for the Blog Idol 2012 contest. Chances are my awesomeness will be overlooked, but ya can't blame a bitch for trying! The auditions are 200-500 words about you and why you should win. I found this insanely difficult. I am much more than 500 words peeps. I am an entire novel, just kidding. I tried out anyway mainly for shits and giggles. I want that Samsung Galaxy tab. Here I am supposed to encourage you to follow them on Facebook and Twitter. And if ya really want to be a peach go ahead and vote for me. Even though my audition was less than sub par.

Oh I wanted to throw this in. I wrote a little ditty about bloghole's. My little friend the B(itch)log decided to add the definition into Urban Dictionary. I love her. I am going to make a shirt that says.


B(itch)log

Look it up mothafuckas!!

The only place I really go is to school functions. I will let you know how this goes over!

My audition:

Humor can transform life from a living hell into something fit for reality T.V. Mine of course, would be the MTV version. I have five relentlessly wild children and my early emerging laugh lines tell the story of how I live my life.

I truly believe that a good joke on yourself can build friendships that last a lifetime, even with people you never thought possible. When I got knocked up in high school, before the rumors ran like wildfire I made a sign that said "busted by the bean", and taped it to my stomach. Instead of hate there was laughter. I had to get glasses that closely resembled Mama on Mama's family, I chose to do a skit in the talent show. The laughs of a  group of children acting out a television show completely dispersed the insanity of childhood bullying.

There have been times (many) when my kids do ridiculous things. I truly believe they have a daily morning meeting plotting their overtake of my sanity. For instance, the time my child decided it would be a fantastic idea to pull a fire alarm in church and soaked the congregation. I yelled out "Jesus has saved" and left. The stories turned from a bratty kid to how hilarious the event was. Can you see my rebellion of the sanity take over?

I enjoy sharing my life with my internet friends. If something is embarrassing like say, finding a turd in my hair or when one of the shorts decide to video tape my endeavors of fetching toys off the roof I am game to share. Generally speaking, my life can be compared to a pint-sized frat party and blogging is the only place for some of us to fit in and share the ridiculousness we call life.

I am extremely sarcastic, and see life a lot differently than most stay at home parents. I would love to share the wealth of knowledge and entertain along the way. Who wouldn't want to read a reality show about life they can relate a little bit to?

I am crazy and funny. I even got a priest to forgive me for rubbing the head of a bald statue in church. I told him "everybody needs a little luck sometimes". He quickly chuckled and retrieved a little luck himself. Don't you want to hang out with me on the internet yet?

I am real and an awesome time. Keep me around a bit, I won't disappoint! I do prefer the Paula Abdul of judges, maybe a little standing ovation for effort, peeps?

Monday, September 10, 2012

Why my kids make me want to drink...

There are many reasons why my kids drive me bat shit here are a few...

Booby traps.


I literally had to climb through the bathroom window to break out the child who trapped himself inside, he used tacky drywall tape. I tried scissors and a knife to saw through. I wound up unwrapping the door. Do you see how thick that was? Yep 30 minutes and sore arms later we were free.. 


Sharpies

I like to call him Frankenbaby

Scisssors: enough said...

                                   



Doors are optional                               This:

It is all fun and games until you fall into a pile of ..

Yesterday was a day that could go down into the record books. The kids and I were filling in the holes in the yard, uhem the piss holes. Yes, my kids use my back yard as their private restroom facilities. It turned into finding 4 leaf clovers and digging up the rocks in the yard.

Obviously, that four leaf clover was a fraud. We were joking around and the kids were jumping on top of me tackling me to the ground. It was fun until I landed into a pile of mud.

 I kept smelling shit every where I went. I kept asking and checking pants to see if someone had "leftovers", nope. I looked everywhere, 4 is notorious of never wiping and the kid never wears pants. I was on a mission to find the smell. The smell was everywhere. I just couldn't find the pile. It wasn't until that night that I went to fix my ponytail and there was mud in my hair, a tiny clump of mud.

I had this clump of mud in my hand, thinking to myself why did this mud not dry yet? And then it hit me. Yes, folks that mud was a clump of shit stuck in my hair ALL DAY LONG! Between the laughing so hard I was crying and the dry heeves, I wasn't sure if I wanted to revoke my stance on child abuse or put them all back into diapers. Even today after the showers and the hack job with a pair of scissors to the underneath of my hair, I still get the chills. I am in shock, disbelief and horror. I can't tell them or really punish them, because if they knew they would never let me live it down.

So yes, it is all fun and games until you fall into a pile of shit.  I am searching out leprechauns on the internet today so I can tell them to stop spreading their bullshit rumors about four leaf clovers being lucky. Those bitches are sitting back with their pots of gold they never leave at the end of the rainbow, using it to buy massive amounts Heineken laughing at the world who believes their stories. Probably while eating most of the marshmallows out of every box of Lucky Charms. And that is why there are not enough marshmallows in the cereal.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The People of Facebook..

Facebook fascinates me. It can be used in so many ways.  Some people go to catch up with old friends. Some, uhem me, go to see how shitty the people who were complete assholes to you turned out to be. I was pleasantly surprised but realized a few things.


I have noticed that you can pretty easily clump these pieces of shit into one of a few categories that are as follows:


The jocks who turn out to be balding fat asses, who peaked at 18 that spends most of his time attempting a hook up with a former high school friend,  and sends you private messages or looks up your number and sends a random text telling you how hot you are. Hell yes I am! Look at your fat ass. Back then I wasn't stupid enough to fall for your game and by the looks of you, and that you in fact you have several children you only see bi-monthly others have realized your bullshit front and center.  On top of that your baby mama(s) are of the large variety, that is hella McDonald's to pay for. Move along broke baldy...

The the overly sexual males. You are half naked in every pic, and  probably used an internet to burn or press that six pack into your oversided abdomen. Could even be Photoshop?  Your contribution to the internet are words such as "Damn, girl you look sexy", I can easily muster up the gag reflex from my last pregnancy 3 years ago. And who has never used social media to get a little? Really, he has, but it has been self performed. Not to mention the closest thing he has come to a real six pack is a little package of Pabst blue ribbon, that is all he can afford after paying all his baby mama's. All of them seem to have at least one.


Then there are the loners, the ones who only have pictures of themselves in disgusting bathroom mirrors, daily.  This tells me  A) they have no friends to actually take the pics for you . B) You lack sanitation. Not only to clean your bathroom before the picture but that you are on a shower boycott, that should have ended months ago.

I see the holy rollers who post every damn picture that include anything God related. I thank you for the prayers, but I would pray for yourself. You have no life, I commend you for trying, may God be with you.  Jesus surely wants to to condemn everyone on your page to Hell, I am sure of it since every thing I post you post a link that you think is a religious site, but takes me to Korean porn... Your daily dose of Jesus just saved me..

My favorite are the ones who were the back stabbing bitches. They loved you to your face, hated you to everyone else, and took your boyfriend behind the bleachers at the first opportunity. It is so nice to see you have traveled around the world, since every kid is a different nationality. I give you props for showing the world you don't discriminate in baby daddy's. But let's not act like we are BFF's and tag me in every fucking picture you can pull off pinterest, we will never be like that EVER. Nice try, broke ass Angelia Jolie.

There are the "like" whores. They like everything, your kid had surgery "liked", broken arm "liked". My kid became a god damn pirate and lost his tooth at 3 and this bitch "liked" it. I am glad my taxes pay for you to be on the internet 24/7. Although I like my shit to be liked, yours will never count. Your likes have been around too many times, I don't want to catch anything.







Let's talk about the people who like nothing. We know it is to keep up their internet persona. God forbid you have a personality, the lack of pictures with friends is a dead giveaway of how lame you actually are. We can see you on Facebook, Zuckerberg has made transparency very easy. Honestly, I would be your friend but I couldn't take it, I would stab myself with the closest semi-sharp object just to have an excuse to leave via ambulance.

I do have to say I do love the former "hot" girls who have found their true love... food. The ones who would eat only a measly carrot for lunch and now eat the entire Taco Bell, wrappers and all. We cannot forget them, they make us feel good about ourselves. They allow us to have a drink or an entire cheesecake, it takes much more to look worse than they do.

An honorable mention goes to the classy  people who have their electric shut off, no water,etc  but are at the bar or some expensive event every fucking day. Sometimes I wish I could be that poor to do all the cool shit. I guess a plus is when you pick that douche up at the bar and take him home he can't see what he has gotten himself into. And why in the hell would you even let everyone know you have no water from lack of payment? Regular peeps keep that shit locked up tight and go to the rest stop to shower.

Your everyday friends are fun until they post drunk pictures of you, especially ones of you rubbing an angry pimp's cane or trying to get luck off of a statues bald head in a church. I am not going to lie I have had to untag myself from some. There are no need for witnesses.

There are the daily tragedy cases, everyday is something new. They want everyone to know the world has shit on them once again. It could be their sister's brothers cousin twice removed's ex college roommate that this happened to, but it is just killing her by the minute and she wonders why the world could be so cruel to her, yet again. Because you breed drama. Quit reading the fucking news and trying to find the 7 degrees of Facbook, to associate yourself to every tragedy. We all know you are not ever going to be cool enough to know everyone. I bet when my kid broke his arm and you happened to see the resemblance of a cast in a picture you posted about him and blocked it from me. Shady emotional hypochondriac.

We cannot leave out the one's who post horrible shit about their "friends". I kind of like them. I know who's page to go to when I am having a drink. The comments and the facebook fights make me laugh my ass off. I won't partake but I will sit back and watch the show.

The photo bombers are always good. They post pics of kids, possibly theirs but will never know as you do not list them or talk about them and you probably didn't even name them. Well, maybe flash and click. I'm sure the majority of the Facebook world think you are the crappiest professional photographer known to man.

There are also the people who have extravagant vacations every couple of months, post pictures of themselves and possibly their Grandpa(?) standing next to matching Mercedes. Of course you can see the extravagant stone work that they got a great deal on, only a thousand dollars per diamond encrusted stone.
So you comment, awww that is so nice your Grandpa bought matching cars for you guys! Then you realize you haven't seen any new fantastic vacations or shiny cars in a while. You wonder if Grandpa got caught in a ponzy scheme and think about seeing if you can buy some of those fancy ass clothes and jewelry at deeply discounted prices, to at least pay for their mobile home pad rent. Clearly, you don't need fancy shit in a trailer. Only to realize you were blocked. Damn. I guess that was her sugar daddy not her Gramps. Now stop buying shit and feed the homeless.

I do however love the people who were "dorks" in high school. These are the people I want to hang out with. They say fuck on Facebook and love the gay folk as much I do. They post equality shit all over and you almost want to bring their friends and your friends together because you know that would turn out to be that one badass party you talk about for years. They, my friends, are the only ones you wish to see at Wal-mart in your pajamas, because they share your awesomeness and don't give a shit and come over with a case of beer ready for some fun, and they leave their kids with a sitter. They deserve Facebook Sainthood...

Thank you my facebook friend to inspire this post!
And Just Keepin It Real, Folks for the comment about the rich folks, look down below and click on her. She is always a good time.

Friday, September 7, 2012

How to fix shit vol 1 blinds.

Don't you hate when some asshole just walks by and cuts your blinds. I do. My kids like scissors, they steal them bitches like it is nobody's business. This is my tutorial of how to fix shit mini blind style...



Step 1 find a lighter if you have to get a piece of paper and light it up on the stove no one will judge. Hold the pieces of the blinds together and light that shit up. I held ,the kid lit. That shit kid caught my hand on fire!!! By all means try to avoid the burning of one's hand...


Step 2 wait a minute and roll the burned pieces together, wait until it is cool enough that the nylon string doesn't burn itself to your finger...learned that the hard way. Btw I did use some sort of office suppy to hold the string to the blind because that kid kept catching my hand on fire. ON FIRE!



Step 3. Get your handy ass white craft paint and cover the evidence...



I know this may be a random post. I have 3 boys, they like to do stupid shit, like cut expensive ass mini blinds. And yes I do see my shitty ass yard in the background. People let their dogs shit on my porch so as punishment I am warding off all landscaping, weeding or mowing...


This was from my personal facebook to my neighbors...

Now fix your god damn blinds people!!

And for god sakes don't let your dog shit on my porch...


How Not to be an Asshole in Social Media

Fellow Bloggers,

 I know everyone has an asshole, but ladies and gents let's not be one. From here on out I will use the term Bloghole for asshole bloggers. If you at any time feel as though I am talking about you, more than likely you are correct. If you don't like this shut up and move along.

Here is how to tell if you are in fact a Bloghole.

1. You join a blog hop and follow everyone and then turn around the next day and unfollow. In the words of my bloggy friend. THIS IS NOT A ONE NIGHT STAND...I know this is solely to gain followers but the truth is you are a Bloghole through and through. I know you want to look more awesome than you are and you probably have 6,000 Facebook friends on your personal site, most of which you don't know and may very well be jacking off to the pic you posted of your kid in the bathtub. Both of you mother fuckers are sick. Did you not like being compared to a pedophile? Then stop being a Bloghole.

2.You go to my blog and leave a comment asking for a follow back, completely neglecting to follow in the first place.. Yep you are a Bloghole and a douche. Seriously, If you don't like my shit that is fine but don't expect me to oogle over your rainbows and unicorns life. There are only so many lies I can tell in one day, I reserve them for my children. I do not have enough stocked up to tell you how great your blog is. And for all that is holy don't VLOG your bullshit, at least with a post we can exit out quickly. Vidoes have a way to never let you leave no matter how many times you hit that X at the top of the screen.

3. You co-host every god damn blog hop there is and you are like I have just gotten so big there is no way I can keep up following you all back, but thanks for the love...You my friend have won the Bloghole of the year. Especially when in the blog hop it says to leave a comment so we can follow you back. I mean for real, we know you are a hot commodity with your perfect life and ugly  kids, but by all means Thank You for showing us how much of a Bloghole you really are. Your shitty posts make us vomit in our mouth a little bit .We secretly wish one of those ugly kids would spit a wad of gum in your hair the size of your home state so you have to prance around with a fugly hair cut for years to come.

4.You are on every social media outlet whoring your name around... This is the internet not a street corner, move along. You are the herpes of the internet. We would rather get a trojan virus than see your name again. Really. Just start a blog hop called "Follow Me Bitches", hopefully the holy rollers catch that one, I will wait around with a six pack to see their "community" light your ass on fire.

5. You leave a comment along the lines of that is interesting. You didn't even read my blog, if you did you would realize my shit is gold and you would've turned your little Hanes granny panties yellow from the lack of bladder control while laughing. Really you just wanted the page hit of me reading your blog when I just couldn't understand what kind of person would say that or it is another form of whoring out your own blog. No one will check out your blog is all you say is interesting. You are not Sherlock Fng Holmes. Leave a real comment. 

6.My ultimate favorite... I found you on the blog hop please visit my site I can't wait to read your next post...This is hilarious to me. After the first time you followed, and unfollowed me I removed your comment off my blog. It is a god damn shame. What do you know, next week, next blog hop YOU WRITE THE SAME DAMN THING... This is like blog raping, my god when will it end? You are sooo dumb. Hide your Facebook, hide your twitter, hide your URL, they are raping all  up in here. We gonna find you. (If you have never seen that video by that Anthony something or other being interviewed on the news, you must!!!) Anyway, I have been a good person up until now, I have deleted your comments and bullshit. From here on out I will not. I will allow your dumbassery to be viewed all over the internet. I may screen shot that bitch and pay a big blogger to retweet the fuck out of it. Although I don't feel the need to pay for bloggy stuff somethings just can't be left unnoticed..

Thank you for reading let's try our best to be nice :) I played nice for this post. A didn't point out names...

The group of fellow hate of Blogholes who encouraged me to write the most assanine thing I have ever written.

Stroller Parking Only     The B(itch)log      Happy Little Feet   Life on Peanut Layne 

Diapers...or Wine?   You Know It Happens At Your HouseToo among others 



Thursday, September 6, 2012

Alcohol and Blue Pant Suit...

I live in the Midwest and every damn time I turn on the TV there is a commercial for Burlington Coat Factory. They are advertising this blue pant suit and that they have amazing prices. I call bullshit. If I could talk to the person in charge this is what I have to say...

When you advertise something on tv and want people to actually come to your store let's please not make it look like a pile of shit picked up at the Goodwill in 1994, when a bunch of rich bitches got around to cleaning out their closets. Have you heard of Cybil Shepard? This is what she wore. I am sure the ladies of Designing Women frequented this very same pant suit. Oh you have never heard of them? Really? Even Nick at Night doesn't run their shows because it is too damn old.

I am not sure if your "designers" all got drunk one night and went through their parent's stash of taped shows off the televsion, yes no DVR or Tivo back then, and thought it would be funny to see a bunch of  folks running around in this hideous pant suit, or they genuinely have no taste. To tell you the truth, if I were a designer I would ABSOLUTELY design stupid shit so when I people watch I could take all the credit and laugh my ass off until the jiggle was gone, unfortunately I lack the ability to draw a straight line so I could never make that team.

Please for all that is holy stop showing that damn pant suit. If I see someone in the general public in this suit there is no telling what I would do or say. It is completely unnatural for you expect someone to see this in the general public EVER. A petition will soon be upon your manufacturing plant's door step in protest of the absolute worst thing I have ever seen in history. I may be almost thirty but my parents dragged me through the 50's, 60's, and 70's in this Elvis Revival theater my dad played in, and was forced slightly against my will to perform in. I have seen it all bitches, and your shit is killing me!

Disclaimer: I may or may not have had a little to drink, when I read this tomorrow it may be a surprise... not the good kind- the kind when a condom breaks and two weeks later there is a plus sign on a urine filled stick...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

4's attempt to cook..

4 is the most stubborn insane ridiculous . Well, he is 4. The kid is 5 and thinks he can do everything on his own. Including making lunch. Peanut Butter was not good enough for this child today.

I heard the stove turn on. My first reaction, Oh Hell. My kitchen is not clean, there is no way in hell I am calling the fire department until this whole bitch is in flames and there is no residue of dirty dishes. So I ran in to see what he was doing. Making tomato soup. He put the can in and started cooking, at least this time he opened it.

I told him he can't stir with a fork in that pot. He poured it in a skillet. No! Look its pouring everywhere and he is still scratching the hell out of the dish. I went to help and he told me he had this under control and I would just burn it anyway. Thanks for the vote of confidence kid. If you can pull this off your ass is forever on dinner duty. After 3 attempts he got the right combo of pot and stirrer. I told him to add some milk. A burned on mess of half cooked milk on my stove and several dump outs he had the correct amount with about half the can of soup still in the pot. I thought we were done.

He wanted grilled cheese too. Come on! Really? I stood here for 20 minutes. You have already screwed my kitchen and used half the pots and pans. Seriously move along kid and eat your milky tomato paste without a damn sandwich.

He got out yet another skillet and put probably half of a stick of butter in the bottom and put the bread on and added the cheese. He forgot the top bread and burned the cheese to the skillet. I thank him for the stench in the upcoming weeks. That sandwich was done and not repairable. He did it again. This time he forgot to take the cheese out of the plastic. An even better smell. The next time he moved the skillet barely off the burner and dropped the cheese, still in the plastic, on the fire. Needless to say the kid did not get a sandwich. He used up all the bread on his failed attempts in the kitchen.

Although we did not have to call the fire department my house smells like someone cooked a barbie in the oven. The kid didn't eat. And we are now out of cheese, butter, milk, and bread. My stove- I can't even talk about it, it is far too painful.  Imagine tomato soup spilled and burned on and plastic with melty cheese down under the burners. Without a doubt this kid has probably burned the smell of melting plastic into the drywall, it will never go away.

I really try to let kids do shit on their own. I want them to make mistakes with me right there. Most of the time kids give up and hand it over to me. Not this little shit. He has caught my microwave on fire more times than I want to admit to. He has flooded the kitchen attempting to do dishes. The kid has clogged the toilet with an entire container of Clorox Wipes thinking one wipe was needed for every little spot. He tests my nerves daily and makes me rethink this whole teaching kids to be adults thing hourly...

How a biker ruined my day...

Yesterday I was just pissed off. For no reason whatsoever. Everyone knows you love to be woken up by some motorcyclist at the asscrack of dawn because he is revving his engine in front of your house. He literally woke me up, I had time to put on a bra, walk outside and tell "move along, little biker boy, I have kids sleeping". It was 5:30 in the morning. Five- Thirty in the morning! That is for parents with newborns who are pissed they have to be up or the elderly setting their alarm to make sure they didn't die in their sleep. He looked at me like I was crazy and I told him to "put a helmet on I don't have time to clean his brain off my front yard". He then found the chance to pull off into the barren street. Asshole.

I went in to make coffee and the damn thing leaked all over and brewed no coffee. I was forced to go get a Diet Coke. I love my Diet Coke, don't get me wrong but at 5:33 in the morning you want some damn coffee. It didn't help that I had a touch of the beer flu from my friends birthday party the night before. Remember when your mom told you that you couldn't have play dates on school nights? SHE WAS RIGHT!!!

I was just pissed off. I babysat that day, two littles a 2 year old and a newborn. They didn't piss me off but my own kids did. Don't get me wrong, my house is a pint-sized frat party 24/7. There is always someone naked, a never ending game of kool-aide pong, the furniture is flipped over for no apparent reason and someone is always pissing in the bushes. The majority of the time it doesn't even faze me at all. Yesterday it did. Everything pissed me off. I wanted to throw rocks at the birds because their happy asses were chirping.

 When I drove to the store to get milk I flicked off every damn person I passed, just because I was feeling it. When I checked out the lady tried to make small talk, I pretended I didn't speak English. I am fully aware a blonde haired blue eyed girl saying "no hablo Englais" is ridiculously absurd, but her dumbass fell for it and nodded her head and counted my change back each penny at a time and very loud. "I said I don't speak English, not that I am deaf or stupid lady". Unfortunately, when I said it I broke character. I guess dealing with morons is an undesirable thing and miraculously breaks all language barriers?Yep. We are going with that.

Usually, I am not an asshole. In general I am a happy person, not the kind you want to shove a rainbow down their throat and a purple unicorn up their ass, just normal happy. I am very sarcastic and laugh all the time, probably more than necessary because the laugh lines are appearing before I even hit thirty. Although, I do have a sub par filter. You can never trust a dollar store grade filter. I have and keep friends and they either like my lack of filter or they just realize its part of my awesome package. I obviously passed that trait down to 4 and he took it to the extreme.

I was quite disappointed my kids didn't fall for my setting the clocks forward to put them to bed early. I have tried this many times before, but the damn tv would say the time on the front. When switching providers I specifically asked that I get a receiver that had to explanation of the time. I know they thought I was insane. But sometimes you just have to change the clocks, the ability to do is needs to be on a parent must know list.

Today I am back to normal and I am not afraid to play on the internet today. Pissed off-ness is contagious I didn't want to spread it to my internet friends. Your Welcome!


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Anatomy of a girl fight...

My girls are about to drive me bat shit with their constant bickering...I have decided to type it as it is being said. Have a glass of wine or 3 and join me in my world.

1:"Why did you touch my stuff?" "Mom, she keeps touching my stuff, uhhhh I can't take it anymore."
2: "it is in myyyy room, so I can touch it, I can do whatever I want in my room"
Me: You share a damn room, in my house. I swear to god it is 11 am and you are already fighting... I am feeling day drinking in my future

1:" See mom is on MMMYYY side, I am her favorite and she just had you because she wanted another kid like me and she lost on that one"
2: "Mom doesn't even like you, she thinks you are shady and your boyfriends are dumb. And your shorts are too short, you just want boys to look at your big thighs and your cellulite"

I let that one go, her boyfriend choices are by far about the worst you can find and her shorts are too short. She is my favorite when she cleans and her rotten ass attitude is kept locked in her mouth and her shadiness has reached indefinable levels since she hit the double digits.

1: "at least I have curves, you look anorexic. You probably eat everything you see and you puke it up. You are always in the bathroom"
2: "I hate you, you don't even let me use the bathroom and it is in my room, you leave your makeup all over the place and you wear too much.You look like Alice from Twilight"
1: At least I don't look like Bella, she looks sick all the time just like you. And you never flush your pee in the toilet, you are grosser than the boys and I hate you"

Me: Come on! I am about to take your allowance money and hitch hike to the liquor store. My God. She is not anorexic and obviously someone thought Bella looked good enough to put on the damn tv. I told you to flush that toilet. Do you know how many germs are in an ounce of piss? And you just let them fester and breed and breathe it in and spread pissy nose germs throughout the house..I blame you when we are in the hospital

 4: Shut the hell up. Both of you are stupid. Mom should have skipped over you too and just had me.
Me : Language. Thank You!! My god I feel the same way for the moment. I just want them to shut the hell up too. Maybe if I send him an ESP signal he will break their shit so it will be them collaboratively pissed at him. He is tough he can take it.

2: "Well my boobs aren't always hanging out of my shirt looking stupid,  like you want boys to look at them you are just plain slutty"
1" "At least I have boobs and I wear a bra, your little boobs look like zits and show through your shirts. You are too immature to wear a bra, boys think you are weird and you play school all day long, what would (Name changed to protect the innocent) say if he heard you did that? You probably play barbies like a baby and marry him"

This turned into 2 writing on 1's precious little arm and 1 throwing the remote at her shattering it on the floor.
For god sakes why the remote? WHY?!? The channel will be stuck like this for days. Some dumbass thought the more streamlined look of no operating buttons on the front would be awesome. He is a moron. It is stuck on Disney channel forever. Watching nothing but kid shows for days or weeks on end is like being mind-raped by idiocracy.

Italics is what I thought, not what I said aloud and this was streamlined, I don't need any of my readers being commiteed.
I warned you to get a beverage, if you chose not to that's on you!