Thursday, August 30, 2012

4 and his phone calls

4 is his own type of person. He is smart, funny and clever wrapped in a little shit blanket. He knows numbers, he has since he was about 3 or 4. This has been a problem.

Most kids call 911 or China. Not my kid. He calls his school and an infomercial.

4 brought home a "green day" from kindergarten, which is good and extremely surprising. When he brought it home I was almost wondering if she gave it to him to show what would happen IF he could be good. Nope. He was good, he probably had a fever, that is the only time that kid isn't rocking out some sort of evil plan.

My kid wasn't very fond of the green day so he took my phone and called his school. He matched the letters on his folder to the letters on my phone. Clever. Except how he used that knowledge. He called someone and said " Yeah I got a green day, AND I DON'T GIVE A CRAP. I looked at the number, of course it was the school. I am fairly certain they have caller ID. Which is truly thrilling. I have 3 kids that go to that school and it would be pretty easy to know which one did it. They didn't call back, maybe they didn't catch the number? Hopefully he went to voice mail or was put on hold. I can dream right?

Yesterday I hear 4 talking to someone, but I didn't hear a response. Oh shit! This is bad. Are the fng cops are going to be busting in my door any minute? God only knows what that kid is saying. So I listen...
"If someone brought that to my college I would kick their ass. I am 6 and I know that is DUMB. Why don't you stop selling this crap and get a real job?"

I stood there trying to figure out the plan of action and asked who he was talking to. He looked at the TV and hung up really quick. My kid called an infomercial and lied to them. He would totally kick someone's ass for bringing a snuggleuppet or a light up pillow, whatever it was, to college- that isn't a lie. He would form a committee for that. He is not 6 he is 5. Although he has been saying he was 6 since he was 2 and truly believed he was 6.

I would like to say I am shocked at what he did. I am not. No matter how hard I try I can't get a filter on that kid. If they sold them on ebay I would pay top dollar. Other than duct tape there is nothing. Since I can't condone duct taping a kid I guess I just better brace myself for the next few years...

Monday, August 27, 2012

What I learned at Kindergarten...drop off that is.

I was dropping 4 off at kindergarten again today. I thought he had scared this lady off last week telling her "my mom doesn't like you and your legs are lumpy", no such luck. Maybe she wanted an apology or she is lonely, who knows?

I took the advice of an anonymous commenter from a previous post about proper attire for kindergarten drop off and wore some fancy-ish clothes. The mom came over and said your backside looks good, what do you do? Obviously this can't be a come on because she said backside. And what do you mean, what do I do. I have 5 kids, I couldn't keep it off no matter how hard I try. I eat, you know food. She should probably try it once in a while. I told her I didn't know what she meant. She said like underwear. Yeah I wear them most of the time. I could have left it at that but I was curious. Then there it was, something I have not heard of...padded panties.

I didn't even try to hold it in. I don't care how much of a bitch this woman thinks I am. That shit is funny. I thought she was joking.  Really? Who has kids and thinks damn, that 3rd one didn't get it done. Don't really want to have another kid to fill in my ass so I will try padded panties. I have heard of Spanx, push up bras and such but never padded panties.

I figured I should check into this and see if she was bullshitting me to get back at for what my kid said. She sure as F wasn't. Oh it gets better.

I found out that women can not only buy padded bras and padded panties, but also padding for their hips. I mean this is like 5th grade and someone spills milk on their shirt at lunch and their boobies disintegrate and fall like cottage cheese to the floor. You are in shock, you almost feel bad people have to do this but yet you piss your pants laughing.
www.ecrater.com
Then I keep looking. I know I should have stopped there. You can only take in so much absurd information in one day. But yet I keep on and found something shocking, horrifying and completely out of the realm of things I thought were possible.

The Shock Jock Collection. Yes, you heard it correctly. The Shock Jock Collection. I shit you not they have padded panties for men. FOR THE BACK AND THE FRONT. I can hardly wrap my head around it. I am flabbergasted. Really. Women are chock full of false advertising with the hair dye, make up, and of course the help of Victoria and all her dirty little secrets. But men? WOW?

I wish I could copy the picture but I guess there are stupid little copyright laws. 

This is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen. I couldn't imagine wearing silicone on my ass but to put that on your package. Holy shit. How can that even be healthy? How does this work? You lure a girl in and then she realizes you are a fraud. If she doesn't just walk out right then it's not like you could knock her up to keep her, your little swimmies have heat stroke and they just can't go on.

I suggest you to Google the Shock Jock Collection. The pictures of the stuffing is something you could probably live without but shouldn't.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Oops... Misspoken 3 year Old Style

So 5 and I were tackling my monstrosity, known by some as the laundry pile. I don't mind the washing but the folding and putting away, not enough alcohol in the world can make that shit fun.

Any way 5 was handing me laundry and I was folding it putting it in baskets. He is handing me clothes and saying who they belonged to. This was all fine until he misspoke.

5: "Mom stop leaving your vaginas out."

Me: "What?" I did a quick check.. The girl was packed away just fine.

5: "Yeah stop leaving your vaginas out, duh"  with a saucy little 3 year old attitude and speech impediment.

Me: "Excuse me?"   Wtf, where the hell is this kid seeing vaginas? I wonder if he knows what a vagina is. He is 3 clearly he is not just throwing it out there for shits and giggles. But he is my kid so I can't say for certain.

5: "Mom stop leaving your damn vaginas out". Really madly, because I keep looking at him like he's an idiot. It's not right, I know, but how would you feel if your kid is accusing you of having an extra set of lady parts and that you show them off around town. Yep, you would look at him like he is an idiot too.

Me: "Good Lord child, what the hell are you talking about. Do you know what a vagina is? (with a worried look) Or what it looks like? I just don't understand what you mean". I am a little freaked out at this point. We are not going to have a conversation about a vag at 3, and I sure as hell know he hasn't gotten a good look at my lady so where the hell is this coming from and why would you bring this up with laundry in your hand, I don't want to have to re-wash that shit.

5: With a giant huff " Stop leaving your vaginas out". I look at him and he is holding up my PAJAMAS shaking them in the air like I am the dumbass. Whew.

Me: "Oh, you mean pajamas"

5: "yes  ba- gim-as"

Looks like I will be giving a lesson tonight. Not so much about the actual part but how to avoid confusion with a word that will get him expelled from kindergarten

Wen...unpaid slightly censored review

So today I had the motivation to bathe. Well, I was forced into it because one of the short ones forgot their lunch. Obviously I can't walk in there looking like total shit. My friend uses Wen, she likes it. She thought I should try it, so she ordered a travel pack or something.

I tried Wen today. This is my unpaid, unasked for and slightly censored review.
So I soaked the locks and put a ton on my hands and rubbed it in my hair, added a ton more and again more. I read the directions, massage vigorously for 1-3 minutes. Okay? About two minutes in my arms were on fire and had to leave the tub because I smelled diaper cream. Shit! The kid is eating diaper cream? Again?  I am fairly certain I am on their recurring customers list at the Poison Control Center.

No one was eating or painting in ass cream ( totally makes you wan to run to the freezer for ice cream, right. You welcome for the dose of daily diet)  so I got back in and looked at the next step. Comb through hair. Yeah that shit isn't gonna happen. I couldn't tell you the last time I brushed my hair. Probably sometime between kid 2 and 3. I smelled it again. What the Hell?  I got back out and looked around. What the F is that smell?

I go back to the directions. Leave on for 3-5 minutes. I left the tub at least 3 more times. Again, what the Hell is that? And my head is burning! Back to the directions. Comb through and rinse thoroughly. You bet your ass I will rinse thoroughly my head is on fire. I checked the mirror to see if my hair was actually on fire, clear.

What the hell is that smell? I can't pinpoint it. It is almost like diaper cream with a little toothpaste and touch of vomit. What is it? Oh yeah, that would be my hair. Epic fail Chaz Dean. I would like to personally thank you for making my hair smell like a baby with a bitchin rash.

Not to mention my hair has an added hue of ashy blonde and looks like a drunk rat was attempting to build a home in this stringy mess on my head. Thanks Chaz Dean, now I have to comb my hair. Asshole.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Top ten reasons to remember your birth control..

Get your rx  filled because this will  make you remember to take your pill:

In honor of  People I Want To Punch in the Throat's top ten post. Saying there wasn't any good ones. I thought I would make one for her. She may not be my bloggy friend but she is definitely worth the read.

Top 10 reasons to remember your birth control

10.  Home Improvement Projects.

9. Chain letters from the other "friendly" parents.
8. Peanut butter facials are all the rage in kiddom.

7. Helping out only happens in the movies.
6. Impromptu Baths
5. This will inevitably be on your furniture in 5 seconds.
4. Feeding them.

3. They act like monkey's on crack.
2. They always want a new pet.
1. And last but not least...The art projects.
Told ya!!!
Just a glimpse into my household will remind you to take your pill eternally...YOUR WELCOME!!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

You never said I couldn't write it...

Dear lady at baseball game,
Every time your hoosier ass touches my kid I want to puke. Please refrain from touching, looking, smelling, or thinking about touching my kid I don't have time to bleach the gingivitis off him. Thank you

The coach (hubs) of my son's baseball team said I couldn't say anything to this lady, but he sure as hell didn't say I couldn't write it. There are very few people I meet that I can't get along with. Unless they say or do something to me first, we are cool. I try really hard to like this lady, I really do I just can't.

Here is the reasoning for my extreme dislike of this lady:
Her kid 2 years older than mine (number4) always picks on my kid during the games. I know above all 4 is a little shit so I watch him closely. She won't let him through on the playground without a "secret password" and stares him down. I say in general to all the kids "let's play nice". 

She comes up to me and says he said a bad word. I heard, he said stupid. Stupid is not a bad word, shit or asshole is a bad word. Maybe an f bomb. Stupid is definitely not a bad word. She is 7 years old, her parents are out-right hoosiers- starting fights at games over nothing, cussing in front of the kids and saying words I choose not to say on here because I would rather not have an adult content pop up. Again, stupid is not a bad word.

One time she was running over and "accidentally sliding" to get dirt into 4's face and did it numerous times. The last time my kid threw dirt at her. The girl's mom yelled at my kid and said if he did it again she is gonna whoop his ass. Number 1 NO. Number 2, who says whoop anymore? So 90's.. Number 3, Your kid started it.  Number 4, NO.

I don't believe in whooping kids ass's. I just don't. I am not going to say I have never spanked my kids because that's a lie. But it is a last resort, without a doubt. But to spank someone else's kid, never.

I walked over and said she will not be talking to my kid like that when she has her own sneaky little bratty-assed bully to deal with.  I know I know, I should never call a kid that, I never would to their face or within earshot. But honestly it was either bring out the words or my own can.  I went for words, I am better at that. She apologized, I informed her I wasn't wrong.

So my youngest, number 5, is the cutest damn kid on the planet. He is always happy and makes friends everywhere you go and cracks little jokes and has to die for facial expressions. Anyway. This lady picks him up and like kisses him. I literally got goosebumps and dry heeves. I looked at the hubs and he was staring me down. So I grabbed out my phone and posted it to my blog's Facebook page. I  know she "likes" my Facebook page, or one of her friends do because she asked me about it. Looks like I have one less follower... WHOOPS!
And by the way I count her in the asshole epidemic, because I made it up I can include who I want :)

Monday, August 20, 2012

A new epidemic...asshole-ism

This weekend we had to go into the real world. I don't care much for that place. It's filled with germs. All kinds. Rude germs. Jerk germs. Nosy germs. And the worst of all asshole germs. When you have a big family and you go into the general public it is an absolute must to protect yourself. I am not sure why, but parents seem to be the hardest hit. It is an epidemic. A preventable tragedy.

The symptoms are constant staring, lots of personal question asking and the general conditions of knowing it all and constant judgement. Please avoid these type of people as they are infected.

I saw this virus a  few times this weekend.  I had narrowly escaped. We have to be diligent in keeping the spread of this virus low. There is only once course of treatment and that is shock and awe with a quick get away. These are my stories and how I deal with the asshole virus. Please read so you too can prevent the spread of this unnecessary tragedy.

 1: The infected lady was about middle aged, her question "Are they all yours?"
I responded with " It is hard to say, I have been with so many women." I then walked away. I wish I had a camera attached to my back to see her expression when she finally got it.  I heard a huh, what, what huh. I am unsure as to why anyone would ask a question of these sorts. It seems stupid, because who in their right mind would grab a couple of extra kids and take them into public. I sure as hell wouldn't. I personally have never heard of a traveling gypsy daycare. There could be one. Maybe I should check into that...

Case 2: The infected was also a mother, an older one. Her conversation was general and decent. I was fairly certain at that point she did not have it. Then BAM! Low blow.

"Do you get help, like you know, like government?"  I guess she had assumed that since I dress as though I am homeless, that I in fact get government services. Ok, lady this friendly shit isn't going to work out. I know you have it now. And I am not going to just let that one slide. I look homeless because I have to feed 7 people moron. Here is how I dealt with this asshole:

With a secretive look on my face I said "Quick look, over there", pointing to some bushes. The lady looked scared and curious saying what, what, looking around for a snake or a kidnapper.
"It's the secret service, they watch to make sure I don't spill the secret"
Lady was looking around really freaked out holding on to her child fearing for his life. And asked what secret? At this point I was seriously about to loose it laughing. I just kept looking around like I was watching for spies while trying to come up with something good.  This lady was about to crap her pants for real. So I told her "it's because I found out where the AAS serum was stored". She totally fell for it and asked what AAS serum is? I told her "it is the anti-asinine serum". She asked what it was. I told her "it is a serum that prevents asninity from infiltrating the general public". I could see her starting to put it all together, I gave her a big smile and walked away.

That my friends is how you deal with assholes. I understand some people are just curious but sometimes they just plain cross the line. We cannot let this go on. And when you don't have a whole Hell of a lot going on in your life it gives you something to laugh about for hours! Unfortunately we now have an Asshole Epidemic.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Guess who won an award?!?

My bloggy friend at Happy Little Feet  awarded me with the Versatile Blogger Award. I am beyond excited. Like dancing and jumping on furniture happy. Yes I totally pulled a Tom Cruise/ Oprah escapade. Don't judge, you know you would too. You might not blog about it but it would happen.

The theme is 7.

 Here are the Rules for the Versatile Blogger Award:

1. Add the award to your blog. 
2. Thank the person who presented it to you. 
3. List seven random facts about yourself. 
4. List the rules. 
5. Pass the award onto seven other bloggers. 
6. Inform each blogger they have won by posting a comment on their blog


Seven Random Facts about Myself:

1. I was asked by my college English professor to pay someone to write my     papers. Yes, my writing was so horrid I was asked not to write. Ha! Now I have a blog.

2.I never wanted kids. I was a teen mom, kept my kid and worked my ass off. I am beyond glad I did. 

3. I rarely ever plan a blog post. I may write little thoughts or notes down but I just sit and type what I feel when I have time to feel it.

4. I got fired from a job when I walked in the door because I had ridiculous answers for ridiculous questions from the HR department. Stuff like "it is not your business if I feel myself up every month" for the do you perform monthly breast exams... there is more, maybe a different day :)

5. When I grow up I want to be a labor and delivery nurse, for now I'm going to do this mommy stuff and bloggyness and maybe a little bookkeeping here and there. I know, she inputs numbers in a computer- LAME-O!!!

6. I am a coach. I coach volleyball and t-ball. I love every minute of it!

7. I have an insane addiction to Diet Coke, I know it is HORRIBLE for me and I need to quit it, but it has me in a bad way...


My 7 choices are for various reasons: maybe I have read them for a while or just found them and couldn't take my eyes off their page. You will never know.   It was very hard to choose.  Take a little peesky and see if you love them too.....




And again a HUGE HUGE HUGE Thank you to Happy Little Feet

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Newsflash...Your kid may be unlike-able.


*Gasp* Did she JUST say that? Hehehe, Yes I did. Here is how to tell...

If your kid will go up to an adult and invite themselves for a sleepover chances are they are unlike-able. Your child has no respect for authority. Chances are if your kid was not invited my kid doesn't like your kid or I don't. Honestly, the only sleepover parents are excited for is the first one... and then they learn their lesson. I can't stand kids coming to me and asking me if my kid can go somewhere or they can spend the night at my house. It's rude. If the parent won't come up and ask themselves chances are they already know the answer. On top of that I don't like the parent now, ask the lady on my kids baseball team, if I don't like you- you know!
* This does not count for family members or close family friends*
-FYI I hate sleepovers anyway, if the kid comes to your house you have to deal with the evil litte spawn, if your kid goes there he thinks he's "the man" and acts accordingly and annoyingly.

If you don't want to hang out with your own child chances are nobody else wants to either. I'm not saying keep the kid on the boob til they are 15 and never leave their side.( And if you do I don't judge)  I am saying if you are constantly looking for someone else to deal with your kid's bs or you can't take any part of your day with your kid sober, more than likely they are unlike-able.

If your child asks you to go somewhere unplanned and you say " I really need to do this, this, and this...but...welllll ok". If your kid has never heard the word no I don't want them around. We don't do surprise trips to the ice cream shop or go to the park just because one person rules the show. If I tell a kid no, I expect tears or maybe them to be upset, and mine KNOW not to ask a second time. I do not expect their friend to come up to me and say please please please puuuuuuleeeeeasssssse. If your kid does this its an automatic red card. His ass is out- and by this  I mean out on my front porch waiting for you to come pick him up. I know hearing no will undoubtedly send a lighting bolt through the sky and strike that kid that was just told no right in the butt ... I'm not certain he doesn't need a little something...This kid is severely unlike-able.

If your child says but... and makes an excuse for something stupid they did. I cannot stand excuses. If you screwed up just say sorry and try to fix it. It is not a big deal. I don't care if you were trying to trip the class asshole and got my kid instead. Just say sorry. It is just one word and I know you are afraid that if you continue to use this word that one time you have overused it your mouth will catch on fire. Totally rational and unlikable.

If you make excuses for your child...I don't care if your kid is hungry, tired, or sick don't cover their ass, just don't. If he is hungry FEED HIM.  If he is tired PUT HIM TO BED. If he is sick KEEP HIM HOME- For everything that is holy I do not want to see green goo coming from any kid's face. I could take a poll but I am fairly certain not a person in the world looks at a kid and says...WOW that is some fascinating snot!


If your kid makes excessive noises or talks contstant and loud...I am talking about just sitting there and making noises or never shutting their damn mouth. It is so insanely annoying to hear commentary on EVERY thing you do. You are not a cartoon, you do not need theme music. Shut the hell up!!! This includes whining, I would rather self inflict deafness than hear someone else's kid whine.
*My kid when she was younger would make these hoot owl noises and flap her hands. I knew how incredibly annoying this was for everyone and I was so sorry, but she had reasons, so anyone with a REAL reason for their kid making noises, skip through or just read and know its not your kid I am talking about*

If your child is allowed to watch tv shows waaay out of the approriate age range. This is my biggest parenting pet peeve. My first grade child does not need to come home quoting shit from Family Guy. Just because it is animated and looks like a family friendly show, a 6 year old does not need to come home and tell me about how the character got a boner. COME ON!!! Common sense people, its not hard to find ask around someone is bound to stear you in the right direction. Might be with a swift kick in the ass but more that likely its necessary. (I have caught my husband allowing the kids to watch the TBS version on The Hangover, he was awarded a swift kick in the ass.) Again unlike-able.

These are just a few ways to tell if your child is unlike-able. I am sure there are more. Feel free to leave them in the comments section :)

Friday, August 17, 2012

Uses for Everyday Things, as told by a kid...

If my kid was the Martha Stewart for kids this would be a segmant of his show.

Ok kids. I know you see these things everyday, and the 'rents have uses for this crap. Mine are better.

*Pre-build race tracks lack imagination. You can easily make your own with permanent marker and  toothpaste. Right on the floor. Clever I know. When I did this I got to see Mom "Google" over that one!

*Laundry baskets are for losers. You shouldn't have to walk all the way over to a basket. You can stuff it in  the couch cushion, toy box or in the fridge. I personally prefer to leave my socks in the fridge, the yogurt  container is the best. You get to see Mom loose it and empty the fridge checking everything. Seriously, I just  pull up a chair and crack open a rootbeer and watch the fun show.

*Napkins are so 5 years ago. Why be wasteful when there are soo many other places to wipe your hands? Like the walls, your only good shirt or the couch. The added bonus Mom goes bat shit with the cleaners. Quite entertaining.

* Toothbrushes just for teeth, eh, who does that anymore? You can totally use your Mom's tooth brush to clean your junk. This is my favorite. When Mom walks in shocked just say "what, I do this all the time?". You get a free trip to Walmart over it and you don't to use the lame ones the dentist hands out. Epic.

*Tissues are old school. Totally unnecessary when your brother's head is at perfect height or you could make a snot collage on the tv. Again, a shirt is always handy- as long as its someone else's.

*Did you know you can use a rug in place of a sink? Dude you can pour out your drink, spit on it, even pee on that sucker. It is like magic, just disappears. Whoever made this is just genius.

* On the last note, toilets are barbaric. You should never have to stop playing just to go inside. You can use almost anything. Tool boxes, cups, trees. Almost anything. OOh I feel it coming. Look at this I almost hit that girls shoe. Total fail.

Honestly, my kids so some of the stupidest shit you can imagine, this was only a few. Thinking he has a secret talk show is what gets me through my day!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Crap parents say at drop off

I am fascinated by this whole Kindergarten business. I am going to tell you about what I heard and conversed. Form your own opinions of why blog is named what it is.

I was standing in the drop off with 4, with two other mothers. They were talking about just dumb fake shit, trying to sound so real. This is the stupidity I had to deal with today.

Mom A: I cooked some garlic sauteed bullshit and I didn't use the press, I used a grater.
Mom B: I used the same spoon to stir the noodles and the corn.
Me: How risque.  Obviously these women lack some social skills because they didn't hear the sarcasm in my voice. I wondered how they would react to my admission I use tupperware lids as plates and measuring cups as serving spoons. So I mentioned it.
Mom A: what a great idea.
Mom B: yeah I would have never thought of that, genius.

I am well aware neither of them thought my ideas were genius. But they are. A tupperware lid has sides so it takes a little more work for the kid to shove the food off the plate to the dog. A measuring cup as a serving spoon, not because I'm that particular on serving size- if you saw my ass you would know why, but because I have to get the food from the pot fast. If one kid has food before the kid next to him they steal it off their plate. Causing my kitchen to be a full on food warfare.

Women are still talking, looking at me for my one-uper for their internal parent award competition. I answered here and there. But here's the next one that's worth hearing about.

Mom A: My little_____ blurted out in the middle of Macy's yesterday that someone stinks and must have gassed. ( Really gassed? I call that a fart. I could hardly hold it in.)
Mom B: Oh _______ did that in church one time, it was so embarassing.
They looked at me, waiting,  I answered.
ME: Number 4 at 3 flicked off the whole congregation and pulled the fire alarm.
Mom A: Oh I will have to tell ____ I know the kid who soaked the congregation.
Mom B: Oh bless his little heart.

On this one what I was thinking and what I actually said are fairly different.

What I wanted to say:
Oh I'm sure you are going to tell____. You are fake. You need something to talk about other than how you were out with the flu and came back with new boobs. A real miracle. Tell her, tell all of them, I dare you. 
Oh honey don't bless his heart. We all know that's the southern F you. And my kid will kick your kid's ass if he says gassed.

What I did say:
He has already blessed the congregation, we're good. And your welcome for the gossip you obviously need something better to talk about, your shit is boring.  Then I walked away

Somedays do I wish the only thing I had to talk about was my kid farting in the store? Maybe. Truth is my kids are real and say what they think. Like the time 4 jumped out of the cart at Wal Mart to ask this poorly dressed overweight lady "Why your fatty hanging out your wimmer suit?"  She was obviously in her biggest looser weigh in uniform, either way my kid was curious.



Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Proper attire for Kindergarten drop off

One would think that proper attire for kindergarten drop off would just be a given. From the last 2 days, obviously some didn't get the mommy memo. I have seen a wide variety. I fit in somewhere.
 Here are the types:

The "prissy mom". She is the one with the newest perfect haircut. Her clothes lack stains and holes, unless they are intentional. Her hair is always newly died. Jewelry is never optional and she wears high heels to drop off. Her nails are perfectly manicured. Her clothes always match. And her kid wears a tutu to kindergarten. Enough said.

I differ from her in that my clothes always have someone's lunch wiped across the front or shoulder of my shirt. I have to look really hard for a non-stained shirt. I don't even wear jewelry to funerals-  its not like they can see anyway, sometimes  to weddings, if I'm in a fancy mood. My hair belongs in the 1980's, I am wholeheartedly waiting for roots to come back in. My fingernails are always painted over, I feel like that little "bubble" of unchipped nail polish under my current color gives my nails character. No matter how hard I try my clothes will never match, my daily feat is changing from pajamas to real clothes. Heels? If you see me in heels, you are clearly being punked. In my mind I am thinking about how put together she looks and secretly betting her house has piles of fancy clothing and trash stacked to the celing with only a small walkway to get through. I know I am an imaginative little gal- more than likely you were hoping the same.

The "hot mom". She may or may not be hot or thin, but she sure as hell dresses like it. Her pockets are hanging out of her cut-offs and her shirt is skimpy and tight. Her make up is club-able.  Her kid will undoubteldy have some sort of full out blang backpack with some word called Gucci. I have never encounterd that word on my shit personally, but it seems to be pretty popular. This one wasn't exactly thin and she had cellulite. The only time I show  my cellulite off to the sun is when I am on a mission to get back at my children. As far as I'm concerned kindergarten is not an appropriate age to start with the whole publicly humiliating your child thing, by the time they need it they will have grown immune to it.

the "pajama mom". Fortunately I'm not exactly here yet... Her hair is a wreck. Woman has never heard of make-up or a toothbrush, or a hairbrush. I am so guilty of the lack of a hairbrush though. Her pajamas were found in the dumpster behind the local Goodwill along with her shoes. She has never left her child or let them see the light of day. She is sobbing and all the other weird mom's are consoling her. Stupid F**ks. They will get drawn in and she will go on about how Johnny weaned himself just last week. I nursed one til he was 3 and I feel I went a little overboard there.

The "tennis mom". She looks the dumbest of all. Do we believe that you just got off the court? Hell no. You look like an idiot in your spandex/ sweat wicking skirt and sports bra backed shirt. No word other than dumb can describe this. I am nothing like her, I am not a moron or shop regularly at a swanky sports shop at the entrance of the country club, the end. (not of my speal, just that I'm nothing like her)

The "normal mom". This is me. She puts on jeans, maybe from yesterday, but they are decent. Her shoes are fine. She has polished over nails too. Her make up is minimal and lacking that club feel. She is looking at her phone counting down the minutes until the kid goes in. She just wants the chance to piss alone, or with less of an audience. This mom is my automatic friend. We laugh about the fool looking mom's and their stupid kids. We hope like hell our kids will become friends and won't like the kids of those other moms. Does this work out, not always.

I hope I am the normal mom, please god. Wonder where all my other bloggy friends stand?hmmm...

A story of my craftiness

My neighbor gave me an old bench. I'm guessing it was antique. It had brown stained wood and an almost periwinkle-ish fabric. It was good but I knew I could make it GREAT. So I tore it all apart, stabbing my hands with pliers and accidentally sitting on the tack strip that came off of it.

I decided I wanted the frame to be silver and I had some awesome fabric. So I painted it and recovered it.

On the seat part I realized it looked like a band of kindergarteners had stolen their moms staple gun and screwed with the furniture. So I decided to add some white upholstery tacks. That was an awesome idea, until the littles figured out how to remove the tacks with a butter knife. Obviously they are a little more crafty than me.

The back part was ok but it was lacking pizazz. I attempted making cording, but after sewing through it so many times I decided maybe a ruffle trim would work better. It goes to say the glue gun is far from friendly. No matter how quick your reflexes are you can never get a strip of hot glue off your hand fast enough.

This was done a few years ago and still to this day I love it. The kids helped out so the fabric is a little off grain and the tacks are severely uneven. But it's ours. We only do awesome- for the most part. Look at it, it's awesome.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The all about me letter my kids teacher should receive...

The worst thing about back to school besides the early mornings, homework and all that stupid paperwork is the "about me" assignment that every teacher gives to the parent. Every year it has been easy. Until today. Four is entering kindergarten. Here is how my letter SHOULD go. But just for the fact that I can use my honed acting skills by appearing completely surprised when that first conference or call home comes. I'm gonna lie my backside off. Bwahaha.

Dear teacher,

My kid is something special.

His scissor skills are amazing. He gives one fantastic haircut and he frequently trims a little here and there off his and others clothing. To prevent any problems with other parents I graciously ask that he not be sat by any girl with pig tails or the rich kid, I can't afford to replace those kind of clothes.

My kid is clever. He can turn any random thing into what he needs at the time. I should also warn you not to keep any open cups in the classroom. My kid will inevitably drop trow and use said cup as his personal urinal.

He has a wide vocabulary. It's split into thirds. Real words. Real words mangled together to make larger words with meanings not even resembling the smaller words. Bad words. Although when asked if he was going to use such language at school he said he was going to try really hard not to.

He is quite athletic. He likes to run. You may want to put a bell on the door. The kid has told me "if those teachers make me mad I'm just going to run home". Every word this child says is a promise. We don't take promises lightly around here.

My kid is a miniature chef. You may not want to keep any snacks in the classroom, especially peanut butter. The child on many occasions has lathered his face in peanut butter. I am unclear of the reasoning behind this, as I'm genuinely fearing the answer.

He is an artist. He likes to spruce things up. Especially new things or things of value or even things of unvalue. Take my couch, he helped spruce that up with permanent paint. He's like a dog, he has to mark his territory, paints and permanent markers should be under lock and key.

He has mad computer skills. I hope you have one heck of a firewall. If not you may be carried away in cuffs. He likes to read about guns- not frilly ones, big ones. I hope google isn't part of kindergarten curriculum, for your protection.

He has amazing negotiation skills. The closing arguments will more than likely cause you to have a drinking problem. I'm sorry in advance, if you don't hate me after the first day maybe we could have a drink together.

My child has a very protective side to him. Last week when his little brother was being picked on at the playground it showed. He took ten year olds and pushed them off the equipment. Not to mention he has mentioned to my daughters boyfriend that his dad "has a shot gun for your a**", and the time when a boy was picking on his older sister and he peed on the boy. See, he has a deep concern for others.

My child is on track to win a gold medal. Well sort of. You know those yellow cards you give out? I'm thinking by the end of the year I could stack those babies up and carve a little trophy. I bought a stock pile of modge podge to preserve it.

By now you have the idea that my kid really is something special and not the kind you smile about. The kind are talking about while simultaneously asking the bartender for your 12th beer and begging your liver not to fail.

Thank you and Godspeed.

Monday, August 13, 2012

My name is mom and I'm a dream crusher...

I have worn many hats today. I have been a sweeper, a chef, a laundry doer a dish cleaner and a table wiper. I have successfully been an administrative password hacker for my kids computer. I have been a counselor and a child war mediator. I do it all.

My preteen, I call her 2, she has been in quite a sassy little mood. She told me I was a dream crusher. Hmmm. Bug crusher, car crusher, toy crusher, yeah I would have to agree with them. But a dream crusher?!?

That's harsh. I asked which one. She said all of them. Ok can we elaborate? After a 30 minute rant I came to the conclusion I am a dream crusher.

When your dreams are to be an only child and you have 4 siblings, I look like king kong with my boulder sized foot just takin care of business. I crushed her dream of having a cute little sister, somehow dreams one and two didn't converse. But yeah she only has little brothers. I am a dream crusher.

She came up with a dream to play softball yesterday. I called her out on that one- I was quickly informed she's had that dream all along but never told me. Obviously my ESP is down- shit better get that fixed. Since the season hasn't started and with that shotty ESP and all, again a dream crusher right here. Damn 0 for 3. I let her go on about all her dreams I have crushed but when she starts calling me insane and she is going to ruin all my dreams now, the child crossed the line.

I, being my witty little self, went upstairs and I grabbed a shirt and a permanent marker. Ooooh yes I did. I wrote dream crusher on the front of a just fine ugly-ish shirt. I wore it downstairs proudly. She said heh it fits. Now am I going to let this slide? OH HELL NO!!! Tomorrow is the first day of school, uh uh wait for it. Is she going to wear it for her daughters first day of school? Oh she wouldn't!?!!

You bet your ass I will. I have included a picture of the said shirt I will be wearing everyday. She has until it rots off or she apologizes.

Random things in monotonous chores

I am a stay at home mom. Part of that is finding a chuckle in the craptastic things you have to do. Like the dishes.

I hand wash dishes. I know it is quite nomadic. I would rather burn my hands off in hot soapy water than press a damn button. Yes I am just that stubborn. I always have soapy water in the sink and the kids are supposed to put their cleaned off dishes in the water. Yeah that happens ALL the time. Instead they choose to put other randomness into the bubbles. Here is a vague list in my head of what I have found..

A cup. Not the correct kind. The ball sweat kind. The juice from the testicles from an 8 year old chicken noodle smelling armpit child. Unfortunately, that shit sinks TO THE BOTTOM. That testicle juice infiltrated my precious clean soapy water and spread ball sweat onto my dishes. I had to rewash all of them in bleach. Not to mention clean the sink, counter tops, and window because I literally spewed my innards in the sink.

Toy cars and water guns. Again they are never half clean. They generally come from a hole that was dug in the yard and covered for months. I swear my kids are half canine because the random shit found from digging in the yard is quite possibly beyond human.

A tampon, well a few. My boys had a thing for tampons. I guess the discreetness and seduction of shit they will never need peaked an interest in these short people. I do not know how many times I have found tampons in the dish water, among other places. The boys have wars with them. One time just for shits and giggles I unwrapped pads and stuck them to their foreheads and told them it made them invisible. It only lasted until the oldest girl had a conniption and told them I was using them for a laugh. Buzz kill.

See doing dishes can be fun. Sort of.

Friday, August 10, 2012

What Mom's say Vs. what they think

I have decided to write a post about what a mom thinks compared to what they say. I know I am not the only one who has these deep down thoughts. Feel free to add your own.
Bold is what I say italics is what I really think...

I can't understand you when you talk that way...  
Shut up Shut up Shut up, I want to stab out my own eardrums with the nearest semi-pointed object I find. This whining makes me want to drink HEAVILY...

Watch your attitude...                                             
I would personally like to watch you bleach it away like every damn baseboard in this house. It smells like shit on fire.

Are you having a bad day?...
Could you please just start your period already? Then I can time these bitchy moods out. As of yet we have no schedule, this doesn't work for me.

You want gum? Do you promise to put it straight into the trashcan and not let it get on anything?
Gum? Are you fucking kidding me? The last time I had to peanut butter your shit stained underewear to get that crap out. I'm not even going to ask why you felt an acceptable place for gum is in one's underwear, but I'm sure some things I just don't want to know...

Close the door honey...
How many times have I told you just today? Would you like to live with ants, roaches, mice, flies, squirrels? I will pitch you a goddamned tent in the backyard...

Oh that's a nice picture. I totally see why Curious George is pink. It's a no brainer...
Just wondering, does this 14 hour long explanation of why Georgie is pink come with a six pack?

We will find your paper honey...
Hell no we will never find your little piece of ripped up paper. Your sibling took it to be an asshole, but he's a fucking genius. I will never find it. I could turn this whole house upside down and I will never find it. It is a ripped piece of paper. I have a whole notebook here let me make an exact replica. Oh that's not good enough my little ink dot is 3/4 of a millimeter off. Damn, i tried...

Sorry honey my hands are full...
You want me to carry that? Do you see me carrying an infant in one hand and a toddler in the other. My purse is shoved in this fugly diaper bag/backpack combo and my phone is ringing off the hook. The only free hand that I do have is holding my shoes. Yes it is 15  degrees below zero and all you little shits are bundled up nice and warm and I forgot to put my damn shoes before I bundled you all up.  I am on the verge of heat stroke and heart attack lugging all this shit out to the car and you want me to carry your doll? You have nothing in your hands NOTHING...

I'm sorry your toy broke, I didn't mean to step on it...
It is a McDonal'd toy, a  6 cent piece of shit.  If you loved that crap pile toy so much then you would've picked it up and there wouldn't be an effing toy indention in the bottom of my foot...

We have a toilet, how about using it?
We have 4  toilets in this house and yet you choose to piss in a hole in the backyard, off the front porch, in a box in the garage or in a random cup.  I have heard people at QuickTrip talking about the 3 boys that piss in their front yard that is YOU...Use your brain and the waste management company we pay for every month and use the effing toilet...

I know you want an Ipad, but it's not in the budget ....
How about we not eat for a month just to buy a mini computer that your siblings will undoubtedly hide, use and shatter. Not to mention that every pedophile in America will have access to you and that thing that you call Facebook , but to me looks like middleschool soft porn... Yeah I'm game... Moron

I know it's hard to tell if its a fart or poop but why don't you just fart on the toilet...
Really, you shit your pants again? How the hell did you not feel that coming? People around the world fart all the time and don't crap their pants. You just left me the nastiest  sharty mess I have ever seen. Go into your room until I'm finished puking my guts up. Better yet clean your own shit and these 7 piles of laundry along with it, as I see it now I'm not sure of what I will find.

These are just a few ramblings that go on within my mind. Enjoy or not.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Trash, crooked cars and profanity

I had to take the trash out this morning. Some asshole thinks you can just make a car fit in an overstuffed garage by parking crooked. Are you fng kidding me?!? After 4 injuries to get to the trash can and trying to get the damn can over the car I decided to move the car but not before I took one of the cans down from the roof of the car.

Yep the top of the garage door knocked the disgusting trash can all over the garage. Obviously I don't function well before my daily dose of Diet Coke. This wouldn't have been a big deal if we didn't run out of trash bags halfway through the week. Not to mention that every week our house is the only one with 4 trash cans and some bags on the side, yes it appears we belong on an episode of hoarders every week.

I am not about to pack up 5 kids plus extras to go to the store for one thing. That's a waste of patience. So the 3 of the cans were filled with grocery bags, paper store bags, and old Christmas bags. Was the one knocked over filled with full sized trash bags? Of course not. Was the garage door left open for the world to see all my exercise equipment and unpacked items. Oh hell yes. I feel like my 30 minute workout of picking up heavy ass trash and the bending and profuse screaming of profanity was not only a workout but showed my neighborhood I am on the brink of insanity, maybe they won't send their kids to my house to play or ask me to take care of any of their shit while on vacay. I guess I accomplished 3 things today. Yay me.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Baseball around the world

My son and husband went to an international baseball tournament that was hosted by the athletic association my son plays in. I was so jealous. He saw a team of Chinese or Japanese kids. They were super excited about the bubbles he was blowing with his big league chew. There was a minor language barrier but the words big big big, were understandable. My son got a kick out of this. He being 8 thinks he made friends with someone from a foreign country. So he wants to know more about them.

I am so excited. I am fascinated by people from other countries. I am a true dork at heart. We watch the Olympics and google every country we play against. I am sure I am on a watch list somewhere, but I am just curious. I want to know everything about the people. I can't be the only people watching dork out there. But I took it too far. I have decided that we should learn another language, as a family. We should live like we are dirt poor and save up to go on a vacation where the language is spoken. The kids like the idea of traveling but prefer the advantages of cable, Internet and Christmas.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Mom, I just had to stop and stare her down

So the hubs is on vacation this week. He took the kids to Mobil for the 50 cent drinks. The man does not care what the kids wear. I have witnessed him come back from Walmart with a kid with only one shoe. His explanation, at least he had one. He has literally gotten a mismatched wrong sized shirt from the dirty laundry to put on a kid to take to a store. I do not understand this, he allows the kids to leave the house looking either homely or homeless, neither is attractive.

He also let's the kids act like total fools in a store. Have you seen that kid that rides the bike through Walmart shopping, only to leave it at the checkout? Yes he has done this. Want a new bat, let's grab a ball and test it IN THE FUCKING STORE. Really, so I wasn't surprised to hear that they were having races down the aisles of Mobil.

Four came up and was telling me how he fell in the gas station. "I was racing and the lady was watching me and I had to stop and stare her down and I turned and slipped." I gave him a look, I saw he was wearing his older sisters shirt, that was sporting a nice hole in it. He had on khaki shorts and two mismatched tennis shoes, one was the correct size and the other was on the wrong foot and it was mine. What the fuck was the man thinking? A kid looks good in a holey girl shirt and a woman shoe? And on top of that allow races. Not only does he appear to be half tran but an unruly little brat. Seriously the world can only take one at a time. I shook my head. Four took this that I didn't believe his story so he retold it "but mom, I HAD to stare her down. She just kept looking at me. She needs to know I saw her and didn't like it.( pisses off tone) And her shirt was ugly and she was a bad mopper her boss probably shouldn't pay her( totally hand talking and explanatory tone).

Ok bud I got it, you just couldn't help yourself, ugly shirted people can't look at you. I don't care for the uglies to watch me either. But for real wear your own shit to the store. And for god sakes don't dress like that in kindergarten. And races in store aisle were outlawed last week so you better stop that.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Don't drink and Facebook

This picture is proof you should never drink and Facebook.I don't even know this Kim kardashian, my kid talks about her all the damn time but it sure as fuck pissed me off what people were saying when I clicked on my sidebar for shits and giggles. If I saw any woman being talked to like that this is what I would've said, and this is what I posted my facebook, on whatever my friend liked. Not realizing all of my friends could see. Until one of those mother fuckers gave me shit...

Oh btw I fucking hate Facebook timeline, it's annoying as fuck. How the hell am I supposed to stalk my friends pages and see what I want? Now I need the fucking Dewey decimal system just to see who's god damn page I'm on... Thanks a lot Zuckerberg...

Piss hole:take one

Today was a bitch. I had 3 extras. One in particular pissed me off. He cuts my blinds, I didn't see it but the fact that he laughed and when he got up the scissors were under his ass gave me a clue.

He cut my blinds, my fucking blinds, yes, the shit that keeps the light out and the runners passing by from creeping inside. My blinds.

I was livid. I had to hold them together while number 1 lit the string on fire. I'm not sure if this was intentional but she lit my finger on fire. My kid lit me on fire. I'm fairly certain it was the paint leftover from the weekend helping my friend with her daughter's room. Either way my finger was on fire. I had to cover the burn marks on the blind string with craft paint. Yes my life is that sad. Yes I post it on the Internet.... Your welcome.

My finger literally had a black mark on it surrounding the leftover paint, thank god for the paint because there is minimal blistering and nastiness...

During this whole debacle the kids were using the piss hole. And yes my kids have dug a hole in the backyard designated for piss, mainly morning piss which is far worse. Keep the judgement incapsized in your brain. My self judgement is more than one can take.

The piss hole was full, one of the extras and mine were playing baseball in the back. Yes one of those little shits hit a ball into the piss hole and it splashed everywhere. In the middle of summer hundreds of degrees out. My backyard now smells like deep fried fermented piss...

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Self inflicted hair cut

I was doing dishes and 4 came down and said "look mom I cut my hair and I put it in my shoe, don't worry it's in my old shoes". I am beyond thrilled, the child starts kindergarten in two weeks. He has the front top cut to the scalp, and scissor marks thought. The back side is sporting a reverse Mohawk. It looks like a hacked up pile of shit. I literally have to turn away every time he comes my way, I am laughing that hard. It looks horrid, funny horrid. I am so glad he is not a girl, I sure as hell wouldn't be laughing then.

The child thinks he looks good. I just nodded my head. Here is our convo:

4: it's the new style now.

Me: I'm fairly certain self inflicted hair cuts complete with total baldness and scissor marks, were in sometime last year, son.

4: No, my friends will think I look goooood", while nodding his head trying to be cool. " Maybe they will all cut their hair like me".

Me:I'm sure their parents will not appreciate the new trend.

4: Yeah,I'm the coolest person and I'm a ninja and I don't have front teeth, I'm gonna own that place

Me: I'm sure you will son. *sarcasm*

4: if those bitches make me mad I'm just going to walk home

Me: that's not exactly safe-shaking my head not knowing to believe him, laugh, or discipline.

4: did you forget I'm a ninja- I probably have superpowers I just haven't tested them yet

This child keeps me on my toes. He makes up more bullshit than a failing politician. The stories of his daily life would fill several novels an the child is 5. I'm almost tempted to just let him keep the new do. Maybe I can buy a toupee for pictures? Maybe he will be "sick" on picture day and he can go for retakes. Nah I will just let him keep it an hopefully I still laugh my ass off when I put that at the slideshow at his wedding, or 5th grade graduation.

Ridiculousness award?

Removing the pine tar from the back patio has been nothing less than a suck fest.  Why my child found it appropriate to waller around in it like a puppy seeing the snow for the first time is beyone me.

I  used dishoap and to try  to scrub my anger out, clearly didn't work.  So I turned to Google. First Google was quite the little smart ass. It tried to correct my search by saying did you mean How to get C Diff?   Hmmm. thanks but not today... So I typed it in again: How to get pine tar out of concrete? Obviously there was not another person who's child poured pine tar on their patio and then bathed in it. I feel as though we should win a ridiculousness award or a gold medal for foolish behavior. That would almost make this whole fiasco worth it.

So I called Rawlings, and was transfered a considerable amout of times. Then I reached a lady. She asked I answered. The lady tried to put me on hold but I could hear the laughter before the button was pressed. Evidently this issue has never come up in the existance of the company. Again where is that award? After being on hold she told me to go to Lowe's or Home Depot and get an industrial solvent. We had some here along with oven cleaner, grill degreaser, and baking soda. None of them of them had a chance against that badass pine tar.

The hubs idea is just to cover it with dirt and let it wear off.

If any of you were wondering why I haven't had anymore children in almost 4 years. It's obviously the pants. It must be God's punishment for ugly pajamas...


Pine tar baths anyone???

My house is crazy, I am sure I am not the only one- to say the least we have a little entertainment going on at any given moment! The events you are about to see unfold is about 30 minutes of one day. If I blogged about everything it would be just short of a novel, and you might need anxiety pills.

So yesterday I tried the Lime-A-Rita. I had a huge dislike, I posted that on Facebook. Every one thought I was crazy. So while responding and doing my Facebook stuff 3 wanted to play catch, so with my iced down watered down drink  (and not in a sippy cup, the kids use my wine glasses for kool-aide so this was a rarity) I obliged. Then 2 came out to tell me about her life woes and her worries about having a fat teacher. The kid has been scared of fat people since she was little, literally having panic attacks at the local Walmart. She went through a few years of counseling and she's better, just not all the way there. 4 was showing me ninja moves at the same time. Who can multi-task? This bitch, or so I thought.

During this time 5 found the pine tar and poured it on the concrete, and rolled in it. All over his clothes hands feet and hair. You have got to be fng kidding me!!! Upon taking him into the sink and scrubbing him with dish soap, I realized this shit isn't budging and decided he just need to wear full legnth pj's and socks and gloves, so he wouldn't track it any farther.

After dressing him for winter, can you say Christmas in July anyone? We made it happen. I was cleaning up the family room upon looking up I see 4 butt ass naked and say "for god sakes, get some pants on". After hearing this 3 who was just as naked stood on the bench and started singing the wiggle wiggle wiggle part of the sexy and I know it song- in full out dance. Quite scarring. Of course before 4 would put on his pants he had to act out the actions of the ape at the zoo. (previous post about the zoo) How this kid has not contracted a shit bourne illness is beyond me.

3 decided to walk over and pat my stomach and call me "fatzilla". I decided to teach him a lesson and pull my shorts up and roll up my shirt and walk around like that. We were all lauging and the kids were pulling their best fat jokes. Including singing "biggie biggie biggie can't you see". Oh they had another thing coming if they thought that would break me. They all had to apoligize and tell me I was the skinniest most beautiful mom around.

4 always plays baseball on the stairs and I mean ALWAYS, if its not being thrown at the fireplace he's throwing a ball up the stairs and diving to get it. This time he hit me, I told him to give me the ball and apologize. Of course he didn't so I chased him down and took the glove and ball away. He kept reaching for it so I put it down the back of my pants. The kid busted out in tears, maybe I took it to far? Or so I thought until I saw him grab out the sewing machine trying to piss on it. Really? Really.  Mmmm. Looks like someone's all- star weekend is gone.

So back to the yard and playing baseball with the kids, 5 yells damn it. I walked over to tell him not to say that. I was informed that "yeah, when the ball stick in there, yeah, duh that's a damn it". Clearly.