Monday, July 30, 2012

What pisses you most off as a parent?

I have a pic and a video below... The pic is of the boys closet that was clean several hours before. The video of them fighting I recorded to use as a teaching tool for how mean and hateful they were in hopes that they would stop fighting.

I'm not sure which scenario pisses me off more. The closet makes my blood boil. Really you need everything out of the dresser to see what you have? For fucking real. I kept my cool and made them re fold everything and put it away, that is a good 2 hours I will never get back. I am also very doubtful that kind of shit will be pulled again. I have also decided that the dresser has to be taken out of the closet because later that day I found 4 sitting on the blankets at the top of the closet. Hiding from 3 because 4 had pissed in his baseball glove.

The video pisses me off for one reason in particular. Can you guess?!? It could be the fighting, kind of. This house has a major drama event at any given moment. Seriously pint sized Jersey Shore every damn minute around here.
There are 5 of them and that means at least two of them are plotting each others demise, or just irritating the shit out of each other, IF I'm lucky- some days it's numerous incidences at the same time.

Could it be the 3 year old jumping on the couch saying "oh shit" repeatedly? Both stated offenses irritate me but not piss me off.

It might be the fact that I said enough, stop it and other things to stop this fight and they didn't listen. DING DING DING....

One of the few rules in the house is "listen the first time and remember for the next time". My kids walk around in their underwear all day, jump on couches, throw baseballs at the fireplace, etc. it doesn't bother me. I know kids fight and argue, I don't like it but it happens. They sometimes say bad words- I'm telling you if it's deragatory that's a major offense. They spill shit, make messes with toys, tear the cushions off the couch, make "creations" out of random crap laying around and have a GREAT time being a kid. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It is fun watching them be kids, but the not listening and trashing a closet makes me crazy...

I am not in the business of beating the shit out of kids, I think spanking is pointless in many ways. I get Creative when it comes to parenting. I thought the video of them acting like fools would teach them something, no they just thought it was funny watching 5 say oh shit, while jumping and doing flips on the couch. I'm not sure why this didn't work, I thought I had this in the bag . Obviously not. I wonder what pisses other parents off the most and how they handle it. And any ideas on stopping the fighting are welcome- unless they involve beating:)

AND the video will not upload, but my explanation says it all

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Paintball guns and the Duggars

My kids have this fascination with the Duggars. 5 begs for Jim Bob more often than cartoons- the kid loves it THAT much. They use the Duggars as a ploy to have another sibling, they have lots why can't we. I on the other hand use them as a discipline tool- if you are bad you will dress like a Duggar. They also don't drink and that shit will not happen around here..

Anyway a nice Sunday morning conversation with the kids in our bed turned to paintball guns. They want a family vs family paintball war. I told them it wouldn't happen because our family outnumbers the majority. Then the Duggar talk came into play. They think we could verse them. In all honesty we probably could, a few words out of 4's mouth and they would drop to their knees in prayer.

Then 3 had an idea. He said someone could yell out shit and scare them. After a few minutes of deliberation, it was decided that I should be the one to yell out shit because I say it beat...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Social media and teens

I have stated before I will make a public fool of myself in the name of my children. I do it all the time. You are bad in the store I will bust out a Justin Beiber tune along with ridiculous dancing and the worst singing I can muster up. So when I catch the teenager on Facebook, hiding her page and blocking me I can only assume there are several ways of shady going on. You don't need to the truth is game and you surely don't need to be speaking with the terms "imma and finna", use incorrect spelling or make a duck face and take a picture of it. So here is my reply to her "truth is game":

Truth is...Your ass has been caught, duck faced pictures look stupid, and don't get me started on bathroom mirror pics...I hope you like the new wardrobe I'm getting you- Duggar Style...please note that your mother is not a moron and no matter how many Facebook pages and email addresses you open...I WILL FIND THEM...I love you and I can't wait for the fashion show :)
I really hate social media for kids and teens. There is so much cyberbullying it is unbelievable, and with the ability to text, tweet, and Facebook the poor kids take it home with them and it makes the burden much worse. During a quick look at her page and some of her friend's pictures I was disgusted.

There were duck faced pictures- Hello sticking your lips out is far from sexy, it makes you look like you have premature wrinkles and your face got stuck in the pre-vomit posititon.
Bathroom mirror pictures piss me off to no end, really you look like you are posting an ad on Craigslist for the escort section. Bathroom lighting always sucks and the reflection from dirty mirror and the pile of dirty laundry in the background makes you look like a slob. That hairbrush filled with hair- you look like you belong on my wierd obsession for obtaining a hair collections- GROSS.

I do not know why early teenage girls need to wear clothes that cover less than an ensemble picked up from Victoria Secret and why the hell would you put a "69" on your stomach?? Oh lord, don't get me started on that. Upon going through her messages I have seen requests for naked pictures and asking if she would want to fuck...Seriously she is 13.

The way the girls and guys are talking to her and each other proves 13 is not yet a responsible age to have access to permanently posting information onto the internet. Girls her age are sending naked pictures of themselves to boys who in turn post them on Facebook or send them to their entire contact list... HELLO?!? Distributing child pornography much?

The language used is atrocious- I mean everyone sounds like a gangster, gonna kick someone's ass, this person is a hoe ( said of course by the girl who's profile pic is her  in a bikini). Very few of those kids can spell, I mean I almost understand how a second grade teacher has to look at the word 17 times and has to use context clues- it is that bad.

Was anyone else aware they had "quizzes" on Facebook. Yep they would make Cosmo herself blush. I have seen "When will you loose your virginity?" " Are your boobs big enough?" "Is your penis big?" the list is endless. Sadly to say they seem to be targeted at young teenagers. More than likely developed by a pedophile so they can gain access to the kid's photo's and jack off to them- DISGUSTING!!!

I have found numerous different pages for my daughter, each and everyone completely inappropriate, not just her but her "friends". These girls are putting themselves out there to show they have no self respect.  Because ya know a good guy wouldn't want you to just show off your awesome personality and your self respecting pictures, he wants to see those tiddies and that ass.*sarcam and dry heeves*

I have decided as punishment to post the above caption on her wall for all of her "friends" to see and to head off to GoodWill and purchase a new wardrobe, taking pictures of every Duggar looking outfit and posting it on her Facebook. This may be harsh, hate it if you will, but she needs to learn a lesson, end of story. I am also going to get a program to record passwords and webpages visited, I've had enough of this PI bullshit.
 Not to mention some of these people are friends of friends and who knows if its really a child, please do me a favor go through your kid's facebook, twitter, and texts. See what they are up to and if you need to step in...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Evil curses and watermelons

Yesterday 4 informed me he was born because of an evil curse. I'm not gonna lie sometimes I feel that way too with all the bullshit the kid pulls. I told him it was more like a sperm and an egg.

4 not fully understanding what I meant immediately retrieved an egg from the fridge and spit on it. He handed to me and told me to eat it, so I could have another baby. I gave him a weird look and he said "what?!? You said a germ and an egg, spit has germs". Oh the cleverness and innocence of this child!!! Wore off pretty quick.

4 decided he wanted to have watermelon, I didn't want to cut it. Reports from the witnesses are pretty sketchy. The perp claims the watermelon just rolled out of the fridge. Other witnesses say he picked it up and threw it on the ground. The kid had a fork in his pocket so I'm assuming the act was premeditated...

I'm still not understanding my knee jerk reaction to asking why, but I do it. Upon asking the 4 child why. He told me "it had to be the evil curse because those germs on that egg really didn't make a baby". Clearly...

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Revenge in the making

The hubs cleaned out the garage this weekend. He put all the shit in the kitchen. Even with 5 kids I can't stand a mess. I clean all damn day. He should know better, he makes fun of me because all of my iPhone apps are catergorized and my cabinets are labeled. I am a neat freak at heart- my house doesn't show it because I live with 3 slobs and 2 hoarders. I really want to get back at him.

I thought about taking the seats out of his car and after trying every bit in the garage, none of them fit the bolts to unscrew the seats. So that was out.

I thought about building a ramp to the roof and parking his car up there, we didn't have enough wood- and Lowe's wasn't open at midnight. And that might entail me actually having to put something together and it so wasn't worth it.

I thought about dragging him outside to sleep, but the last time I did it he actually believed he fell asleep out there- again too much work. And I've seen an opossum here at night, administering rabies shots is a little too harsh.

I'm still trying to come up with something clever, he expects nothing less... Before we were dating and we were just friends and worked together, I stole his keys and moved his precious car and laughed hysterically when he went into total panic mode, and tried to call 911. His attempts at revenge were juvenile- an empty keg on my car? I just drove until it fell off...

He still swears to this day that's why he married me. I think it was because I was blonde and skinny... 20 pounds and a handful of kids later jokes on you Mothafucka

I still need something, ridiculous but not jail-able... Hmmmm

Friday, July 20, 2012

Grocery stores and crack whores...

A simple run to the grocery store can be so much fun... I had 4 with me and he's always two barrels of crazy.

First of all the kid wore this... Pic down below... Yes I let my kid wear mis matching ill-fitting flip flops, we were going to the hoosier grocery store. We have to at least try and fit in. His clothes were more than likely from yesterday, but whatever.

When we pulled into the parking lot he said "we have the most disgusting car in the world, let's park in front so everyone has to see it." I like this kid he comes up with some crazy stuff. So I obliged and left the windows open, secretly hoping someone would see some crap and take it to save me the work to clean that bitch out.

We were going along putting crap in the cart when we came upon my favorite aisle. Who can go through the grocery store and not stop in the dollar spot? Looking at the shit they have for a dollar amazes me... Medicines, feminine hygiene products, bug poison it's all great.

I picked up some hemroid cream and giggled. 4 asked me what it was and I told him it was for crack sores. He looked at it for a minute and said " if I had crack sores I wouldn't put that in my ass, it's only a dollar lets do this", and put it in the cart. The funny part of this is that he is 5 but still sounds about 3. To the neighboring aisle it sounded like "if I had CRACK WHORES I wouldn't put that in my ass, but it's only a dollar lets do this".

Immediately the other friendly shopper trucked over to see what was going on. After a brief explanation she laughed until she cried.

Then 4 saw the light bulbs. He informed me we could use Google to to make a project with light bulbs. For a dollar what the hell. He's searching right now, hopefully the project doesn't involve an explosion. And while I was gone 3 decided to ride the railing and detached it from the wall, I guess I have to patch and reattach before the hubs comes home- he doesn't take destruction very well.. Maybe a quaint trip to the er if 3 keeps limping around.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Oh my bra...

My oldest daughter feels it necessary to walk around in her bra... I felt it necessary to prove a point. I started walking around in my bra doing dishes,scarring the rest of the bunch for life, and such. That child was trying to break me by saying "your boobs look so much bigger".Aww you're sweet. And then the jab came" are you pregnant?". The fight was on, I walked past the front window only bra'd, damn it that didn't get her... Then it hit me,I didn't get the mail today... Score!!! I opened the door acting as though I was going to walk out in just the bra and shorts and she caved... Thank god I didn't feel like sitting in a jail cell to prove a point...

Where do these springs go?

"mom I don't know where the springs go" oh shit?!? The couch? The tv? Computer? Needless to say I ran down the stairs- you can't imagine the trouble that kid can get into while I'm putting laundry away. No he opened up an angle grinder and used the directions in the box to put it together, he's only 5...I'm fuuuucked!!!

Peddlers, beware...

There was a guy selling candles for his daughter's friend to go to St. Jude. For the past several years it has been the same story and even though I have moved he always lives a few houses down. The man  is a peddler, maybe homeless, probably a drug addict. He had just gotten arm surgery last year, and again this year- half assed wrapped arm, coincidence? not at all.  Story is always the same : he always started with 2 cases of candles and only has two left, and every one of my neighbors have donated $20 or more. Dumbasses.  I take no pity on people who knock at my door and try to sell shit, especially a dollar store candle for twenty bucks- more than likely for his meth fix.

4 took over and grabbed a candle, they guy asked for a donation. 4 said "you should pay me to take this crap, and I remember you, if that girl didn't go to the hospital already she's probably already dead, or you're a liar"( he always talks in this know it all/nonchalant way), and took off running with the candle in hand. I figured he had this one. The guy was quite upset he stole the candle so I retrieved it and handed it back, the guy again asked for a dontaion. I informed him giving him his 3 year old candle for his peddling scheme was plenty and smiled, he left.

Kids found the poppers from the 4th of July. 4 being half Doofenschmirtz and all saw an opportunity and seized it. He took a handful of poppers and threw them at the propane tank on the grill. I asked him why he did that? I really should know better. He told me he wanted to see if he could make it blow up... duh?!?

While talking to him about how dangerous this could be, he seemed as though he was listening but suddenly he informed me when he grows up and becomes a genius he will make a machine that will turn him into a tiger gnat and he could steal guns and money and then turn back into a person. Obviously this one has high hopes for his future. Dear God, please just let him be a fiction writer and never pursue his dreams of blowing up buildings and becoming a gnat... During this time I hear "Oh shit, Oh shit" and giggles.  Parents of boys know giggles must be taken seriously, and swift ninja type action must be taken immediately. Yep, 3 had apparently frozen some bottles of water and was cutting the ice blocks from their plastic. I had to chase the kid around trying to get the ice block as 3 was tossing it onto furniture and quickly rolling and diving to grab it before I could get it. The kid missed and dropped it on my foot- needless to say he got to watch his "creation" cook on the stove and I limped around. That child is now grounded for eternity- he has to wait until he is an adult to play on my phone.

Later I thought we were having company so I cleaned up the downstairs and told the kids to keep it clean while I cleaned upstairs...
Nailed it!!! On top of that someone peed in the trash can... lovely.


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Locked out naked..

The last few days have been a big bunch of ridiculousness, as always. As I am writing this I turn around to see 4 has been locked outside naked, AGAIN. I swear my kids begin their morning with a special meeting amonst themselves to plan secret missions to conquer my sanity.

I had to take 5 to the dentist to get his tooth filled, on the way there he informed me that if the dentist hurt him "shits gonna get real, folks". As we were waiting in the waiting room 5 told me " we should flee this bitch", and then greeted the hygentist and told her I said they were taking too long and that I said we should flee this bitch, maybe the kid is more evil than I give him credit for. Athough, yesterday I did find him letting the air out of 4's bike tires so he could watch him "fall on his bace (face)".

Now as I am writing this 4 has decided to use a car charger to floss his testicles, fortunately it was left behind. Either way the kid is nasty...The peeps at walmart look at me like I'm trying to cover up a crime scene when I go and buy 5 gallons of bleach, nope just gross kids.

I believe a person from the dentist may have read my blog (this is the old dentist still, already had an appointment for the filling), he felt the need to explain his reasoning for not installing a fake tooth. Maybe I went overboard, but to my defense I did wait a week before I blogged about it- if not I'm sure the police would've been involved. I was that mad. I'm almost ok now- I still hoped 5 would have bit him or puked in his lap or called him the tooth nazi- unfortunately he was working on the good kid. Next week is 4's chance, hehehe..


Friday, July 13, 2012

Be classy...

I'm not really sure why people have to be assholes. I was at the redbox tonight getting my movies like the rest of the poor folk of America. This kiosk is outdoors, there was a man behind me his bitch parked in a handicap spot right next to us. My mom is handicapped so this pissed me off in the first place.

I was getting my movies and this bitch out of nowhere honked her horn and told her man to tell me to hurry up. The guy, embarrassed apologized, I walked to her door and said"#1 your attitude is too ugly to bring that much attention to and #2 you really only need one hair color.
I'm fairly certain the boyfriend will be dumped because he was laughing his ass of as I walked back and finished my selection of movie rentals. The woman called me every curse word in the book, while I thought it was hilarious some broad would start a fight at the redbox. The crazy broad even threatened to kick my ass, while remaining in her car, obviously.

I grabbed my movies and as I passed by my car I told her I was classy, I fight with words, I only point out the truth, and all my teeth are intact, and I walked away. The boyfriend was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to fall over or possibly piss his pants, either way his shit is gonna be dumped.

Seriously, how important can a DVD be that you are going to start shit at a redbox... I bet her whole night is ruined now and I had an amazing laugh.
Tata, biotch...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Oh shit...

My kid has a problem... He sits on the toilet and doesn't wait for the turd to "plop", and he never flushes. This kid is fucking disgusting- I literally wipe all handles and do a quick swipe of all the walls with bleach weekly.

This week has been BAD, I literally have had to hose out 10 pairs of pants. This is the kid that when gets pissed off at siblings will merely drop trow and bend over. He told me his crusties are his friends- I felt sad for a minute, until the smell of 3 day old rotting carcass eminated my airways.

This kid pulls the shit and get, sometimes the crap hits the floor, sometimes it's in his pants- which he always wears up his ass crack, probably to keep the crusties intact?!?

Today there were 4 incidences, the 3rd time I told him if he shit in his pants again I was going to hose his ass off. Obviously he took that as a challenge, he's 5 1/2 he's been crapping on a toilet since I took his diapers away at 2- the kid knows better. I figured after 3 he'd be done, how many times can a kid poop a day??

I was cooking dinner when he came to tell me something ninja/ black ops related, when I smelled it again. For fucking real, unless you are sick you don't need to crap your pants 4 times in one day. I took him in the bathroom to tell him to wipe better and saw the massacre. He tried to wipe without shitter paper.

This kid for real wiped bare handed and transferred it on every open surface within reach. Holy fucking Jesus, even the fan and a half and half bleach solution didn't calm the storm. I asked him what in the fuck possessed him to not use the toilet paper? He said his dad said not to waste it. Really, I'm not asking you to mummify your hand for every wipe, but at least make an attempt to clean that ass. This kid will without a doubt will ruin my liver...



Friday, July 6, 2012

Pint sized pirate

No 5 is now a pirate, I'm devastated sick and truly pissed over this situation. This day was the ending to my nine to noon fail. The day just kept on giving- me a reason to drink.

After the total morning fail the kids just got even more bizarre. No 1 decided to use a trash can as a chair, that obviously didn't work out. She literally got stuck and I actually had to pry the plastic off her ass. I'm not replacing it so she can walk by that derelict can and see what her stupidity caused. Really, who the fuck sits in a trash can? I worry about that kid sometimes.

No 3 isn't much better, he somehow put a pair of boxer shorts on his head to the point they could not be lifted off but had to be cut away from his dome. The worst part, they were dirty. As I was scissoring them away from his head I saw tracks. Holy fuck child who in the world would puts dirty shit stained drawers on their head? Honestly I'm not sure which of them would've won the moron award for the day, either way we are down a pair of skivvies and a garbage can... Can the day get any worse. Yes, yes it can.

One of the children, uhem 4, decided to use his freshly learned skill of poking holes in the bottom of a water bottle with a fork to make a hoosier watering can. I didn't see he had tested out his new found experiment in the office, I was trying to clean up his last "project" of blowing bubbles in the kitchen- did I mention they were colored bubbles? They were all over the walls, floor and pantry door, little blue "pops"- truly thrilling.

Poor sweet 5 caught the wrath of the experiment. The kid didn't have a chance. He runs everywhere through every hall, up and down the stairs, across the couches- he makes them all his bitches. He ran through the office, hit the puddle and slid on the hardwood straight into the wall. Where his little face met the wall, where a 3 year old face sized-hole with a stud sticking out stands. That stud busted his face the hell up.

I took him upstairs to clean up all the blood. I lost it, I can take blood, guts and shit like a champ but I do not do teeth. I had tears running down my face screaming "where's his tooth, I need his fucking tooth, GET ME THE GOD DAMN TOOTH", running in circles with the blood soaked towel and the kids face in my hand. I really can't handle teeth. I pulled one tooth, by accident on the fourth child, I literally ran around like a fool screaming, crying, laughing in disbelief with the occasional dry heeve in between- it was ugly.

We found the tooth, I gathered myself tried to find milk to put the tooth in and of course some asshole had decided to mix milk with kool aide for himself and his minions- which nobody drank. I sent two of the big kids to knock on doors and find a glass of milk, we recently moved so we really only know one set of neighbors, and they pissed me off ( story for a different day). The kids finally came back and we went to the dentist. He wouldn't even try to shove it back in. I was crying hysterically begging- literally I would've have done anything for him to put my kids tooth back in his face... Nope. I asked about a fake one- he wouldn't do it. He said it would be about 3 grand but he wouldn't touch it. It didn't even faze him when my little ditty looked in the mirror in front of him and cried saying " I ugly". He just stood there with a perfectly fine tooth while a baby is screaming that he's ugly and does nothing but hands me a plastic treasure box. Really, a fucking 2 cent plastic box is going to make it all better- grow a heart you douche canoe.

I am literally sick over this, the tooth is on the side, it won't grow in until he's roughly 8. There is no way in hell I'm going to let my kid walk around for the next 4 plus years of his life thinking he's ugly- its just not gonna fucking happen.

The defining moment of me not taking no for an answer was when he woke up and found the money, he handed it to me and said "now can you buy me a new tooth?". It broke my heart, literally I cried and told him "I don't care if we have to buy it from the Internet, mommy will get you a new tooth". And I fucking meant it... I called roughly 12 dentists and they wouldn't do it. I literally pleaded and harassed these poor dentists, saying my kid looks like I fed him meth in his cereal, he looks like a pirate and I know those bitches in beauty pageants get fake teeth for their kids- I know it can happen, among other things. Fortunately, my awesome friend saw my post on Facebook and said he knew someone who managed a dental office and he would ask her, she talked to the dentist and he said "YES". That friend was my fucking hero for the minute. That almost got me through the weekend, until I took the pirate to 3's baseball game and some bitch said " oh my god, his face", I quickly replied you take that back or all those mother fuckers will be gone- pointing to her perfectly straight bright whites. I was pissed and my baby was crying and yelling "she thinks I'm ugly too". Heartless bitch...

Later in the week I took him to see the dentist. In my book he is a fucking rock star, he got straight to the point called his friend who does some orthodontic supply, that makes pedo partials, got a price- a shhhit ton less than what I thought, and we were out. My little man gets his new tooth in the next two weeks and Dr. White at Webster Dental will have 7 new patients in the upcoming months..the man will be my hero FOREVER!!!