Thursday, June 28, 2012

Ding dong ditch... No more

Apparently the last kids who attempted to ding dong ditch didn't converse with the kids attempting it last night.

The last idiot barely teens who tried to ring the bell and ditch had another thing coming. Kids are absolute fucking morons these days, they must be afraid of the dark because these dipshits bring flashlights... I can't even joke about this, it's that true. Back in the day we hid from lights- street lights, headlights whatever it took to not be seen.

The last kids were just FUCKING DUMB, btw that was absolutely yelling.
I saw them and their scaredy light go to a house and then meet in the street numerous times... I timed it right and they came to my digs, they tried the doorbell , not realizing it didn't work and stayed there trying to ring the broken bell until I sprayed those bitches with water... I may be evil but what would you be, with a shit ton of kids crying because some ass thought it would be funny to ring the bell and run?

I saw these dumbass girls walking back and forth all evening long plotting...I knew they were up to no good. So I watched and I saw these morons run up and down the street laughing and meeting in my front yard several times, but at least they run DOWN and not into the street, good god boys are dumb. I was thinking I'm coming up soon, so excited-maybe they will pass on the god damn message...this bitch plays dirty. So I hid, hose in hand. When they dung I sprayed the hose into the air and one stupid girl said "Omg I think it's raining"... Yep it's a REAL coincidence it only rains when you ding the bell... I could hardly contain myself- they kept dinging and running and coming back because nobody came out. Finally this girls says " yeah I don't think they're home and you're probably right it's kind of raining". As they were leaving I busted out in laughter and walked out with the hose and thanked them for the laugh. I was then called "lame" "bitch" "old whore" and more. I just smiled and walked inside.

Some people just don't get how much fun being an adult can be. You are smart enough to know what's going on and clever enough to devise a plan for hilarious payback...

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Is this shit???

We were getting ready to leave for my niece's birthday party, of course checking to see if these kids have pants I stepped in something. My shoe was sort of sticking to the floor, with 5 kids it's kinda normal that a kid would randomly spill some sort of food or beverage onto the floor. I walked over to the sink to rinse my flip flop off only to notice it wasn't rinsing and saw it was brownish so, I grabbed a rag and wiped. I was thinking seriously is this crap, who would just crap on the floor? I reasoned myself into thinking all my kids have been potty trained for years, it must be chocolate. I wiped my shoe off and smelled it, nope not chocolate...

I proceeded to go bat shit crazy asking "who shit on the floor, oh good god" in between dry heaves. I took the rag to every kid and said "smell this, is this your shit, did you shit on the floor"? I was crazy and had shit on a rag, I'm pretty sure anyone would do the same, right? Well, none of those kids would smell the rag, they ran away like I was nuts. I brought the rag to the hubs,who was in the shower and completely unaware of the situation, to smell the rag and he said " yeah, that smells like shit".

After come recon and a little intel from #5 I find out that's it number 4, who never wears pants or wipes his ass. Apparently he pulled a shit and get and didn't care if it all dropped in the toilet. My life is glamorous, I know.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Nine to noon...fail

Today has started out just grand. It is a war zone already and its not even noon. There has already been a food fight and #3 taught #4 and 5 to stab the bottom of water bottles with a fork to spray on each other. Curse words have been thrown about like someone just hit a Lexus with a golf club. A sword fight with fireplace tools and best of all, two were running down the same hall in opposite directions a head went into a gut and innards were released. Number 2 proclaimed that I should just sell #1 and buy twins because they would be less work and probably cuter, #1 didn't take it well and proceded to empty the closet of #2, while #2 was screaming "Mom"- Candace style (Phineas and Ferb). 

Although I haven't heard any chatter about disarming my sanity I think there is a plan in the works- I need to look around I bet they wrote it on paper. Good thing only 1 is an evil genius and the rest are his minions or I'd be totally screwed..

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Eating mud

I took the kids to the pool today, it was short lived... We were in the kiddie pool and someone let their kid in who was probably 4 or 5- and truly not in a mental state to swim alone, and left to go tan at the other end of the pool. I know I have 5 and you may think just 1 more isn't going to matter- it does.

Here's the deal: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR OWN KID NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE.

Well this kid wouldn't stop talking and trying to sit on my lap. I told the kid he couldn't talk to me or sit on my lap because I was a stranger, so he started talking to the 5 yr old- of all people,him??? Immediately my 8 year old said "Oh I can't wait to hear this", he is evil but so am I so we moved right next to them.

The boy kept talking about all kinds of annoying shit and my kid said " Good God, I think you get stupider by the minute..Do you eat dirt? Because when you eat dirt it turns your brain into mud and you act like a moron- Yeah your mom must've just fed you dirt."

I felt bad for the kid,but was kind of sad he didn't go tell his mom- I really wanted to give that bitch a bill for watching her muddy brained kid...

Monday, June 18, 2012

My bitches...

My today would make most rookies cry... Everything broke, an asshole salesman almost caught my kitchen on fire and my 3 year old called his siblings " his bitches"... Me I snuck into my closet worked out a little and laughed until I cried, maybe had a drink or two, but either way it all worked out...

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Life Lesson: Never Go to the Park Alone

I always have a great time with my kiddos at the park, they can run and play and I can sit and relax, until the crazies come along, this time it wasn't my kid- sort of.

When going to a playground it is advisable to bring an adult friend so the crazies won't invade your space.I didn't take my own advice, so today was no exception. I tried to look busy taking pictures but she wouldn't let up. We all run into a weirdo here or there, it keeps life interesting, and most of the time you can smile and nod and they go away....Except the Crazy Mom, she is the one who wears PJ's to the park,( walmart is fine for PJ's, you have to fit in and all) somehow forgets to close the latch on her nursing bra and has some unidentifiable substance streaked on her neck. Anyway, The Crazy Mom goes on and on about how the baby doesn't sleep and how her other kid on the playground is a serial biter. I look up and he's next to #4, this is really bad. If that serial biter sinks his teeth into the kid next to him without a doubt #4 will throw him off the playset and wrangle him  military style.

I listened for a while longer, trying to do hard math problems in my head to appear to be concentrating on her woes. I try to be a good person, attempt to be sympathetic but it took every ounce of restraint I had to keep from screaming GOOD GOD WOMAN, I HOPE THAT DIAPER BAG COMES WITH AN OPEN BAR BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT SOBER...

Fortunately, the kiddos found a drainage pipe and #3 got stuck ( for a minute) and as I was pulling him out I fell back onto a piece of chewed gum. I guess after seeing the other kids laughing and attempting to pants the stuck kid and me trying to pull my kid out of the pipe with a piece of gum caked to my ass she gave up and left. If the only thing I teach my daughters in life is to never be that Crazy Mom, I've served my purpose as a parent.



Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oh, I offended you..I should probably cry but I'll just have a beer andlaugh

So I apparently made an offensive post on Facebook today, too bad right?
It was a conversation between #3 and I while driving, this is the 6th random question while trying to pull out onto a busy road..
#3: What's the red cross?
me: I don't know, they take your blood and give it to other people and other stuff..
#3: that's crazy..what else?
me: I don't know they are the Jehovah's of medicine..
I knew that would quiet the questioner...
Obviously I know that is questionable parenting, but honestly it was a truly great parenting moment for me because when I'm trying to concentrate, shut the fuck up is flashing in neon lights in my brain...
So after some feedback and being unfriended I guess I should say this:

Oh, I offended you...I should cry or care but I won't I'm going to have a beer and laugh...I'm not against the Red Cross or most religions except The Jehovah's, Christian Scientist's and the occasional Mormon.. If you knock on my door it is my right to harass you or question your motives, maybe you will write my address in your little prayer book saying stay the fuck away from this broad- one can dream, right.

Try again,son...I dare you

So my teenage daughter has a boyfriend, I wasn't exactly thrilled but decided to meet him at the park with the daughter and my other 4 kids. The middle boy(#4), nicely put is a spit fire, walks right up to him with his bad ass swagger and immediately tells the boy, "my dad has a shotgun for your ass", one might have chosen to discipline, not I, maybe he's scared away easily by crazy??? The littlest boy(#5) says in his wanna be bad ass tone " if you mess with my dister I'm going to punch you in the face and kick you in the balls." Honestly this is a huge step up from the oldest younger brother(#3), who the first time a boy showed up at the house answered the door with a baseball bat "ready to play some ball", and the middle boy acting like he was befriending him and pissed on his leg- it took 3 years for another boy to attempt our house, obviously word stopped getting around...

Back to the "new boy", I heard from a pint sized informant that the said boy had been to the house while I was gone for only a few minutes- I knew this one was trouble... so I knocked on a few doors asked some questions and found out where he was, so I took all the kids including the offending girl and confronted him, embarrassed the shit out of my daughter, telling him it wasn't hard to find him and if I ever find him or even think he was there without me I will find him and make him look me in the eye and tell me what he said, did, or wanted to do with my daughter. He looked unimpressed I responded with I have 5 kids I am probably already certifiable, I will show up at your mom's house, your grandma's house, your church and tell them what you were doing, remember I'm crazy and not at all afraid of public humiliation in the name of my children...Honestly I thought he was gone for good, no such luck...

So that brings us to last night, the daughter was acting shady- somehow I just knew something was going on, and the fact that #3 child said he saw her outside at 3 am the other night... So the hubs and I devised a plan.. I pretended to sleep on the couch, she looked at me for an hour I swear before I heard the door, I went to get the hubs, she is busted!!! Me, I would've went bat shit crazy yelling or called the police, the hubs had a better idea... He snuck up behind them and hit the metal part on our trampoline with a bat and yelled "get the fuck outta here", needless to say they were scared shitless and ran like girls trying to save themselves from a spider... I called the sister to talk to mom who was screaming profanities for waking her up until I told her the happenings of the evening..The only thing that was said to the daughter " I think your boyfriend left a pile of shit in the driveway you're gonna need to get up early and pick that up"..

These boys were totally unimpressive... I expected tires slashed, the house tp'd, or slices of bologna on the doors, and I thought this character had some spunk :)