Thursday, June 28, 2012

Ding dong ditch... No more

Apparently the last kids who attempted to ding dong ditch didn't converse with the kids attempting it last night.

The last idiot barely teens who tried to ring the bell and ditch had another thing coming. Kids are absolute fucking morons these days, they must be afraid of the dark because these dipshits bring flashlights... I can't even joke about this, it's that true. Back in the day we hid from lights- street lights, headlights whatever it took to not be seen.

The last kids were just FUCKING DUMB, btw that was absolutely yelling.
I saw them and their scaredy light go to a house and then meet in the street numerous times... I timed it right and they came to my digs, they tried the doorbell , not realizing it didn't work and stayed there trying to ring the broken bell until I sprayed those bitches with water... I may be evil but what would you be, with a shit ton of kids crying because some ass thought it would be funny to ring the bell and run?

I saw these dumbass girls walking back and forth all evening long plotting...I knew they were up to no good. So I watched and I saw these morons run up and down the street laughing and meeting in my front yard several times, but at least they run DOWN and not into the street, good god boys are dumb. I was thinking I'm coming up soon, so excited-maybe they will pass on the god damn message...this bitch plays dirty. So I hid, hose in hand. When they dung I sprayed the hose into the air and one stupid girl said "Omg I think it's raining"... Yep it's a REAL coincidence it only rains when you ding the bell... I could hardly contain myself- they kept dinging and running and coming back because nobody came out. Finally this girls says " yeah I don't think they're home and you're probably right it's kind of raining". As they were leaving I busted out in laughter and walked out with the hose and thanked them for the laugh. I was then called "lame" "bitch" "old whore" and more. I just smiled and walked inside.

Some people just don't get how much fun being an adult can be. You are smart enough to know what's going on and clever enough to devise a plan for hilarious payback...

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The end of Wenus...

Today was a day full of injuries and stupidity, it was also the day of Wenus's demise. Obviously that damn fish liked the liquor a little much and drank himself to death... He lived here for about 4 hours and could take no more, sounds about right.

Upon seeing the demise of Wenus, I decided to drink some coffee and hope they don't notice and sp I can flush the lush later. They were too busy to notice, using the living room as their personal Chuck E Cheese. 3 was throwing a baseball against the firplace and diving to catch it- along with complete commentation, of course. 5 had  leftover pizza jumping on the couch and 4 doing some "top secret ninja move", screaming ookawza. Thank god it was top secret.  I can't watch a bone be broken by ridiculousness until after noon and I had to leave the sound effects stat. Well 4 stole my coffee, of course, and then tried to make more along with his jock informant telling him how to do it.

I found some coffee spilled on the floor- do they not understand the only way this shit functions is caffeine and adrenaline? " I said someone needs to clean this up". Immediately there was a choir of "not it". I don't think they realize that this is not a fucking game of tag and one of those shits are gonna take care of that.

I walk upstairs to my room and see the bathroom door is shut and and heard 4 jumping around like he won the lottery along with an evil laugh, damn it he locked the door.  I grabbed an earring and picked the lock. I looked around and saw no immediate evidence sitting around. I'm sure some sort of evil lottery went on because I smell shaving cream and I don't see it, hmm... I should probably worry, but since I really didn't want to see it I didn't check the cabinets or ceilling. The ceilling is most worrysome, that kid can make a ladder out of anything and fuck some shiz up quick.  I really should limit that kid's bathroom time. I'm thinking that is where he devises the majority of his off the wall stunts or I could teach him to read..eh, teaching him to read will take too long.

I hear 5 saying "no guys, don't torture me", only to find him on his back with his hands and legs bound with shoestrings. For fucking real guys, the kid is a god damn pirate you can't torture him- he's already walking around with a hole in his face...give him a break! So  I am now off  to search out the pair of shoes the laces belong to.

During one of the many wrestling competetions, 4 was jumping on 3.  3 saw the dirty move coming and moved, needless to say 4's tooth, that was hanging on by a thread, was lost to the couch. Got that all cleaned up and told them to play baseball outside. I just needed a minute. I wanted to pee without company, to drink my cold coffee without it being nabbed or spilled by the short ones. That dream didn't last long. Apparently 3 tagged 4 out ON THE NOSE, causing blood to fly out everywhere. 4 decided to share the love spreading blood throughout the house flinging blood on the walls and floor- and again I'm afraid to look up. Logic tells me I don't want to see it.

This was just a few of our shenanigans of the day. Tonight is a sleep over and tomorrow half the kiddos go to the dentist. I secretly hope one of them bite him and the other pees on his carpet, since he won't give my pirate a baby denture. Number 4 doesn't have an appointment so the entertainment level will be low.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Discipline by Beiber

Number 1 informed me the kids were bad for grandma... At least they don't discriminate.

I was informed they threw rocks at their sister hitting grandma in the car. They broke a shower head and stole uncle and possibly aunt's (if they don't scare her off) cigarettes and spread them throughout the yard.

I asked No.5 what he did and he replied " I threw a baseball at unlce's wenus", at least the kid was honest.

Grandma obviously wasn't too pissed, so I thought, because she purchased them a fish- they named Wenus. I'm trilled at the name choice, by the way. But I called her to confirm the story and she didn't answer- I take that as a bad sign.

As we were driving home they were fighting in the car and acting like total jackasses. This is where Number one informed me of their brattiness. As I was turning around yelling at them to stop fighting I almost hit blind Santa in a crossing guard vest, where #4 said " don't worry mom, I got this" and proceeded to open his door. Thank God he isn't quick because he totally would've door checked blind Santa.

While at home the madness continued, and I opened a beer. As I was breaking up a fight # 4 decided Wenus needed a drink also.

At this point I decided it was time... Yep I did it, I put on Justin Beiber. Punishment by Beiber only happens on rare occasions but obviously today it was warranted. Since I'm not into beating the shit out of kids Beiber is like the ultimate punishment around here. No 4 was screaming as though I beat him while hitting the tv. I thought just the Today Show recorded concert would be enough, not so much. Number 4 was so mad he thought it would be a good idea to piss on the floor, as he was cleaning up his mess I decided Beiber just wasn't enough so I googled the lyrics- I totally went there. I put on my show singing and dancing and informed the brats that I was downloading it to my iPhone and would break out in awful song and dance whenever I felt necessary.
Number 4 eventually had enough, cried and apologized and said with extreme dramatic effect" please don't do that to me again, you ruined my life..I swear on my ninja suit, I'll behave". That shits big time...

I admit I punish my kids with Justin Beiber, I have no shame. I wish that kid and I could be friends and I could just call him up and say hey beebs they're being asshats again, how about a living room concert? That would never happen cause the poor beebs would leave this place and hit a bar, tarnishing his rep FOREVER.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Random quotes of the day..

My kids are seriously a preschool version of the Kardashians. They say what they want and act like they are drunk at a club at 9 am, on kool-aide. So here are just a few tidbits of our crazy rockin party life.

We went to #4 end of season party for baseball, for one of his two teams.
Most of these peeps don't talk to the regular folk- the ones who buy their clothes from target ( or clothes from the good will that are target brand-whatevs or actually raise their own kids and actually interact without the nanny or a cell phone being the middleman). Oops, there's me going off on a tangent. Seriously, some people just can't be dealt with sober. I brought beer and shared with the ones who's kid don't make me want to stab my eardrums out because of their endless whining. My kids were fairly decent and I didn't have to punch a bitch for saying something about my 3 year old pirate ( that story will come when I can come to terms with my toothless child or I can track down a dentist to make a denture for my kid). I call that outing a success.

After the party is when it all came out... Number #3 and I were sitting in the backyard watching #4 go ballistic with the hose on the weeds, kid's bazaar don't ask. Out of nowhere he stands up pulls down the back of his pants and says" I gotta air these muthafs out", this is the kid who got the portrait of character award at school. Obviously he's had some folks fooled.

Number 4 was pulling weeds and collecting them in a bag, well he had about 17 ready for action. Number #1 said "really, your collecting weeds?". I left my filter with my 2nd beer and said "at least he's not smoking them" #1 laughed and the conversation went on to her father's baseball game earlier today and how she smelled skunk from some boys on the road passing by " and we all know those dumbasses weren't skunks"... My kid is awesome!!! If you don't think so click that little X in the top right corner and carry on. She is so against drugs and I love it!!!

After #1 moved on and went in #2 came out to hang, she quiet and socially awkward- I worry about her but, she hilarious in her own way. She was going on about how she drew a face on her balloon and named it after her best friend, I said " that's not weird". She immediately came back with " you had an imagination once" a I asked when? She replied with " when you were making 5 kids", I left it at well played kid, well played.

Number 1 has a thing for the Kardashians, it's probably not age appropriate but I would rather her get her drama fix from a tv show than real life, and its not Hannah fucking Montana so I can deal with watching it. That turd said I am a mix of the Kardashian mom and Amy Duncan(Good luck Charlie). I watched for a minute and couldn't bear to discipline because she's a little dead on, except I wear pajamas and dress like the goodwill is going out of style- and not in the good way( like it ever could be).

I went inside and the hubs decided to do some fireworks in the back while the cops were at the school directly behind our house. He proceeded to say he had to go to work and laugh with his annoying tigger laugh, and left. He is an ass, he knows how well I deal with cops. I've been "ma'am'd" more times than I would like to remember over not having trash can lids, being loud after 10, random kids running away to my house and whatnot.

That was less than 4 hours of crazy randomness in my day, handpicked for your enjoyment. I may only have 1 follower but obviously word gets around because I was told I was a disappointment and not an appropriate spokesperson for large families... You haven't arrived until you have hate mail:) My kids may say crazy shit at home but in public all but one I am complemented on, and that kid just points out the truth... Suck that mom of 14 bazillion kids who's entertainment is a chair in which they must sit in all day and read the bible. We play in mud and bullshit and really have a great time, enjoy your wooden chair- bitch...

Is this shit???

We were getting ready to leave for my niece's birthday party, of course checking to see if these kids have pants I stepped in something. My shoe was sort of sticking to the floor, with 5 kids it's kinda normal that a kid would randomly spill some sort of food or beverage onto the floor. I walked over to the sink to rinse my flip flop off only to notice it wasn't rinsing and saw it was brownish so, I grabbed a rag and wiped. I was thinking seriously is this crap, who would just crap on the floor? I reasoned myself into thinking all my kids have been potty trained for years, it must be chocolate. I wiped my shoe off and smelled it, nope not chocolate...

I proceeded to go bat shit crazy asking "who shit on the floor, oh good god" in between dry heaves. I took the rag to every kid and said "smell this, is this your shit, did you shit on the floor"? I was crazy and had shit on a rag, I'm pretty sure anyone would do the same, right? Well, none of those kids would smell the rag, they ran away like I was nuts. I brought the rag to the hubs,who was in the shower and completely unaware of the situation, to smell the rag and he said " yeah, that smells like shit".

After come recon and a little intel from #5 I find out that's it number 4, who never wears pants or wipes his ass. Apparently he pulled a shit and get and didn't care if it all dropped in the toilet. My life is glamorous, I know.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Nine to noon...fail

Today has started out just grand. It is a war zone already and its not even noon. There has already been a food fight and #3 taught #4 and 5 to stab the bottom of water bottles with a fork to spray on each other. Curse words have been thrown about like someone just hit a Lexus with a golf club. A sword fight with fireplace tools and best of all, two were running down the same hall in opposite directions a head went into a gut and innards were released. Number 2 proclaimed that I should just sell #1 and buy twins because they would be less work and probably cuter, #1 didn't take it well and proceded to empty the closet of #2, while #2 was screaming "Mom"- Candace style (Phineas and Ferb). 

Although I haven't heard any chatter about disarming my sanity I think there is a plan in the works- I need to look around I bet they wrote it on paper. Good thing only 1 is an evil genius and the rest are his minions or I'd be totally screwed..

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Eating mud

I took the kids to the pool today, it was short lived... We were in the kiddie pool and someone let their kid in who was probably 4 or 5- and truly not in a mental state to swim alone, and left to go tan at the other end of the pool. I know I have 5 and you may think just 1 more isn't going to matter- it does.

Here's the deal: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR OWN KID NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE.

Well this kid wouldn't stop talking and trying to sit on my lap. I told the kid he couldn't talk to me or sit on my lap because I was a stranger, so he started talking to the 5 yr old- of all people,him??? Immediately my 8 year old said "Oh I can't wait to hear this", he is evil but so am I so we moved right next to them.

The boy kept talking about all kinds of annoying shit and my kid said " Good God, I think you get stupider by the minute..Do you eat dirt? Because when you eat dirt it turns your brain into mud and you act like a moron- Yeah your mom must've just fed you dirt."

I felt bad for the kid,but was kind of sad he didn't go tell his mom- I really wanted to give that bitch a bill for watching her muddy brained kid...

Monday, June 18, 2012

My bitches...

My today would make most rookies cry... Everything broke, an asshole salesman almost caught my kitchen on fire and my 3 year old called his siblings " his bitches"... Me I snuck into my closet worked out a little and laughed until I cried, maybe had a drink or two, but either way it all worked out...

Friday, June 8, 2012

A day with the zoo...or at the zoo and more

Took the kiddos to the zoo today, it was an experience as always...
We stopped at the bathrooms in a tractor trailer, pretty much a porta potty with tile inside as #4 walked out he informed the crowd waiting their turn that it smelled like someone took a huge crap in there. Surprisingly only a few people walked away.

 After that we headed to the ape section where we witnessed one scratch his rear, smell the hand and then lick it which the kids replicated throughout the zoo. As #4 was acting this out #5 yelled "your cracking my balls" of course right in front of an Amish looking church group, even the TBS version of The Hangover is not kid friendly- even though the hubs will argue this to his death.

While in the penguin house #4 announced to the building that it smells like dirty unferwear in here, I just pretended he was with the group of brown hair brown eyed kids next to us, at that point I didn't care if it was believable.

While visiting the lions #5 was digging through my purse to find the fork he put in there, " so if the lions escape he can protect eberyone".  While leaving the reptile house #5 saw an opportunity to joy ride on a handicap scooter, I'm so glad the old man kept the key in his pocket. While walking down the hill from the reptile house #3 was getting antsy and felt it a great idea to roll down the hill and take some folks out snowball style.

  At  Jack in the Box, between the zoo and our first of two ball games, one of them decided to yell out in the dining area "Gosh, fat people order a lot of food". I couldn't blame him two people walked out with 4 bags- I thought the same thing.

At the game #5 was sitting in the dugout and learned a new skill...heckling...great thing except the adults said it within the ears of the team, #5- not so much he yelled "run fat boy" to the opposing team, at that moment I was so grateful that this league allowed beer because if that guy was sober he wouldn't have taken it so well.

At the last game of the night I did get to see #5 hit two triples, three doubles, and throw someone out at first (from third) with a pinpoint laser throw.

I did learn how to make a #4 brand slushie... "a slushie contains salt water that turns into nicranium 6 and you just add soda or some other drink and you shake, that is how you make a slushie, I know it I'm half genius and half  martial arts master...#4 will rule the world one day, nicranium 6 is absolutely believable coming from a 5 year old's mouth, I can't imagine the bs he will make people believe at 30.

Who took my bra???

Apparently scaring the shit out of the daughters boyfriend and embarrassing her didn't set well with that teenager... I went to get dressed this morning only to find all my bras were missing...

I looked around checked the girls room and nothing... Until I asked #4, he's been knows to use them as sling shots to terrorize the others. I was then informed someone put them on the trees. Oh good lord in heaven... I ran outside and sure enough they were lining the trees in the backyard. Teen daughter pointed to preteen daughter, but teen daughter had the majority of the votes so obviously she's the offending child. Now onto punishment... I think it's only fair for me to completely embarrass her by not wearing a bra in public today. Like I said before I'm not afraid of public humiliation in the name of my children...especially teaching those short people a lesson

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Life Lesson: Never Go to the Park Alone

I always have a great time with my kiddos at the park, they can run and play and I can sit and relax, until the crazies come along, this time it wasn't my kid- sort of.

When going to a playground it is advisable to bring an adult friend so the crazies won't invade your space.I didn't take my own advice, so today was no exception. I tried to look busy taking pictures but she wouldn't let up. We all run into a weirdo here or there, it keeps life interesting, and most of the time you can smile and nod and they go away....Except the Crazy Mom, she is the one who wears PJ's to the park,( walmart is fine for PJ's, you have to fit in and all) somehow forgets to close the latch on her nursing bra and has some unidentifiable substance streaked on her neck. Anyway, The Crazy Mom goes on and on about how the baby doesn't sleep and how her other kid on the playground is a serial biter. I look up and he's next to #4, this is really bad. If that serial biter sinks his teeth into the kid next to him without a doubt #4 will throw him off the playset and wrangle him  military style.

I listened for a while longer, trying to do hard math problems in my head to appear to be concentrating on her woes. I try to be a good person, attempt to be sympathetic but it took every ounce of restraint I had to keep from screaming GOOD GOD WOMAN, I HOPE THAT DIAPER BAG COMES WITH AN OPEN BAR BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT SOBER...

Fortunately, the kiddos found a drainage pipe and #3 got stuck ( for a minute) and as I was pulling him out I fell back onto a piece of chewed gum. I guess after seeing the other kids laughing and attempting to pants the stuck kid and me trying to pull my kid out of the pipe with a piece of gum caked to my ass she gave up and left. If the only thing I teach my daughters in life is to never be that Crazy Mom, I've served my purpose as a parent.



Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oh, I offended you..I should probably cry but I'll just have a beer andlaugh

So I apparently made an offensive post on Facebook today, too bad right?
It was a conversation between #3 and I while driving, this is the 6th random question while trying to pull out onto a busy road..
#3: What's the red cross?
me: I don't know, they take your blood and give it to other people and other stuff..
#3: that's crazy..what else?
me: I don't know they are the Jehovah's of medicine..
I knew that would quiet the questioner...
Obviously I know that is questionable parenting, but honestly it was a truly great parenting moment for me because when I'm trying to concentrate, shut the fuck up is flashing in neon lights in my brain...
So after some feedback and being unfriended I guess I should say this:

Oh, I offended you...I should cry or care but I won't I'm going to have a beer and laugh...I'm not against the Red Cross or most religions except The Jehovah's, Christian Scientist's and the occasional Mormon.. If you knock on my door it is my right to harass you or question your motives, maybe you will write my address in your little prayer book saying stay the fuck away from this broad- one can dream, right.

Try again,son...I dare you

So my teenage daughter has a boyfriend, I wasn't exactly thrilled but decided to meet him at the park with the daughter and my other 4 kids. The middle boy(#4), nicely put is a spit fire, walks right up to him with his bad ass swagger and immediately tells the boy, "my dad has a shotgun for your ass", one might have chosen to discipline, not I, maybe he's scared away easily by crazy??? The littlest boy(#5) says in his wanna be bad ass tone " if you mess with my dister I'm going to punch you in the face and kick you in the balls." Honestly this is a huge step up from the oldest younger brother(#3), who the first time a boy showed up at the house answered the door with a baseball bat "ready to play some ball", and the middle boy acting like he was befriending him and pissed on his leg- it took 3 years for another boy to attempt our house, obviously word stopped getting around...

Back to the "new boy", I heard from a pint sized informant that the said boy had been to the house while I was gone for only a few minutes- I knew this one was trouble... so I knocked on a few doors asked some questions and found out where he was, so I took all the kids including the offending girl and confronted him, embarrassed the shit out of my daughter, telling him it wasn't hard to find him and if I ever find him or even think he was there without me I will find him and make him look me in the eye and tell me what he said, did, or wanted to do with my daughter. He looked unimpressed I responded with I have 5 kids I am probably already certifiable, I will show up at your mom's house, your grandma's house, your church and tell them what you were doing, remember I'm crazy and not at all afraid of public humiliation in the name of my children...Honestly I thought he was gone for good, no such luck...

So that brings us to last night, the daughter was acting shady- somehow I just knew something was going on, and the fact that #3 child said he saw her outside at 3 am the other night... So the hubs and I devised a plan.. I pretended to sleep on the couch, she looked at me for an hour I swear before I heard the door, I went to get the hubs, she is busted!!! Me, I would've went bat shit crazy yelling or called the police, the hubs had a better idea... He snuck up behind them and hit the metal part on our trampoline with a bat and yelled "get the fuck outta here", needless to say they were scared shitless and ran like girls trying to save themselves from a spider... I called the sister to talk to mom who was screaming profanities for waking her up until I told her the happenings of the evening..The only thing that was said to the daughter " I think your boyfriend left a pile of shit in the driveway you're gonna need to get up early and pick that up"..

These boys were totally unimpressive... I expected tires slashed, the house tp'd, or slices of bologna on the doors, and I thought this character had some spunk :)