I am doing the Secret Subject Swap. Karen from Baking in a Tornado came up with this genius scheme.
The subject is from Sanity Waiting to Happen. She wanted me to write an essay to convince the country's top surgeon of why I need a _____job.
The thing is I've had 5 kids, the sixth is on the way. My body isn't great or perfect but I am ok with it, really. I couldn't see getting plastic surgery at this point in my life and making something up would truly do her well thought out subject absolutely no justice. It would be unfair to her to just vomit some words so I am going to spin it, and I hope she likes it.
The Plastic Surgery of Parenthood... It will never be the same
Parenthood brings about many changes to our outward appearances. Most of them are not sought after. Let's go over a few..
Some of you ladies may be lucky enough to gain a cup size during pregnancy and maybe keep it a little after.
Not me. I am currently pregnant and guess what my bras are too big. Yes you heard that right. I loose tits every damn time I am pregnant. It is a sad state. I hope Heff never asks me to pose because it would take one hell of a photoshop scheme to get this saggy shit to resemble normal. 3 kids ago I was a full C, now the gals look like a sumo wrestler sat on an exercise ball and then tried to patch the holes with stretch mark printed duct tape. Seriously its as ridiculous as filling a sock with vanilla pudding and taping it to the ceiling and expecting it to look like a perky erection. Maybe one day I would consider fakesters but for now they are in the running for an all night dairy job so they will have to make do.
Somehow parenthood just screws with your hair. All the highlights in the world can't cover up that haven't taken a shower in 3 day shine. I am not going to lie. I have done the baby powder or flour in your hair quick fix. The flour is a bitch to get out. It clumps up like pie dough. You go through enough crap in parenthood, wearing food in your hair on purpose is just a little much.
Lets face it. After a kid you get cellulite. It is a fact of life. It sucks. That is probably the only thing on my body that I really don't like and am not at the point where I can laugh at it. I guess it is not that bad. At least the back of my thighs don't look like they have multiple cellulite vaginas. I have seen that, I don't want it. If I had it I would barbed wire that shit up and pull it up to my chin. My thighs aren't that bad but they do look like I have unironed trousers under my skin filled with tootsie rolls and gumballs. It's not pretty folks but it is reality.
I do have to say for having 5 kids my stomach is not bad at all. Seriously, I wore a bikini last summer. I didn't sit down and you bet your ass my stomach was flexed and I took really shallow breaths the whole time, but I pulled it off. I have scars on my stomach from having my gallbladder out and my bellybutton looks weird because its fake. THANK YOU MOM for not making me run around my entire life with a little weenie hanging off where my belly button should have been, I will be forever appreciative. (She probably just did it because she was tired of me standing up to pee with my boy cousins and leaving a puddle on the floor, anyway back to the subject at hand.) I have seen some nasty stomachs in bikini's not all of them result from a nine month plan, some of them were the 14 year snickers and dorito plan. Either which way you go, it is never the same.
* And my tried and true secret to a flat stomach after kids...You bind the Hell out of that stomach. After my second I had this foreign doctor, she scared the shit out of me ripping the sheet with some sort of tool and wrapping me up as tight as she could. I wholeheartedly thought I was being taken hostage and my internal organs were going to be sold one by one on the black market, but they weren't. The lady knew what she was talking about and I have done it with every kid since. Guess what folks, even after number 5 my waist was 29 inches*
After kids your ass sags. I blame it on the incredible amount of hormones. I mean they are rushing through your body and it only makes sense for them to fill in the back as much as the front. It is a matter of balance people. So what happens after the stomach is gone? The ass deflates or just rotates around and settles into weird spots but the skin is stretched. It is done. That Brazil Butt lift commercial wants you to worry if you can hold a pencil between your butt cheek and your thigh. Watch out Leandro this bitch can hold a two by four. I guess I will keep it that way. It does come in handy when I build shelves and other bullshit like that. But again your ass will never be the same.
6) Love handles
Whoever came up with the term love handle is a complete moron or his term went astray. Seriously, if a man grabded the fat caps on top of your hips and said I want me some of that, what are the odds he would get laid? His ass is going to be walking away with an icepack between his legs. I guarantee it won't be from overuse. The fact is that you get them after pregnancy, where else is that extra skin supposed to go? We sure as hell don't want it moving south.
After you have kids your skin is just dull. Maybe once the kid comes we don't take the time or the money to use the fancy face wash with those scrubbing beads everyday. After a few years the only way to get that teen glow is with sandpaper and crisco, and after that crap soaks in you will look like you have been hoarding McDonald's...in your skin.
I'm sure there is plenty more, I am sure we could all write a book about what kids do to our bodies. Probably a series on what it does to our sanity or our livers but that can be for another time.