Friday, December 7, 2012

Secret Subject Swap...Plastic Surgery of Parenthood

I am doing the Secret Subject Swap. Karen from Baking in a Tornado came up with this genius scheme.
The subject is from Sanity Waiting to Happen. She wanted me to write an essay to convince the country's top surgeon of why I need a _____job.

The thing is I've had 5 kids, the sixth is on the way. My body isn't great or perfect but I am ok with it, really. I couldn't see getting plastic surgery at this point in my life and making something up would truly do her well thought out subject absolutely no justice. It would be unfair to her to just vomit some words so I am going to spin it, and I hope she likes it.

The Plastic Surgery of Parenthood... It will never be the same

Parenthood brings about many changes to our outward appearances. Most of them are not sought after. Let's go over a few..

1) Boobs
Some of you ladies may be lucky enough to gain a cup size during pregnancy and maybe keep it a little after.
Not me. I am currently pregnant and guess what my bras are too big. Yes you heard that right. I loose tits every damn time I am pregnant. It is a sad state. I hope Heff never asks me to pose because it would take one hell of a photoshop scheme to get this saggy shit to resemble normal. 3 kids ago I was a full C, now the gals look like a sumo wrestler sat on an exercise ball and then tried to patch the holes with stretch mark printed duct tape. Seriously its as ridiculous as filling a sock with vanilla pudding and taping it to the ceiling and expecting it to look like a perky erection. Maybe one day I would consider fakesters but for now they are in the running for an all night dairy job so they will have to make do.

2) Hair
Somehow parenthood just screws with your hair. All the highlights in the world can't cover up that haven't taken a shower in 3 day shine. I am not going to lie. I have done the baby powder or flour in your hair quick fix. The flour is a bitch to get out. It clumps up like pie dough. You go through enough crap in parenthood, wearing food in your hair on purpose is just a little much.

3) Thighs
Lets face it. After a kid you get cellulite. It is a fact of life. It sucks. That is probably the only thing on my body that I really don't like and am not at the point where I can laugh at it. I guess it is not that bad. At least the back of my thighs don't look like they have multiple cellulite vaginas. I have seen that, I don't want it. If I had it I would barbed wire that shit up and pull it up to my chin. My thighs aren't that bad but they do look like I have unironed trousers under my skin filled with tootsie rolls and gumballs. It's not pretty folks but it is reality.

4) Stomach
I do have to say for having 5 kids my stomach is not bad at all. Seriously, I wore a bikini last summer. I didn't sit down and you bet your ass my stomach was flexed and I took really shallow breaths the whole time, but I pulled it off. I have scars on my stomach from having my gallbladder out and my bellybutton looks weird because its fake. THANK YOU MOM for not making me run around my entire life with a little weenie hanging off where my belly button should have been, I will be forever appreciative. (She probably just did it because she was tired of me standing up to pee with my boy cousins and leaving a puddle on the floor, anyway back to the subject at hand.) I have seen some nasty stomachs in bikini's not all of them result from a nine month plan, some of them were the 14 year snickers and dorito plan. Either which way you go, it is never the same.
* And my tried and true secret to a flat stomach after kids...You bind the Hell out of that stomach. After my second I had this foreign doctor, she scared the shit out of me ripping the sheet with some sort of tool and wrapping me up as tight as she could. I wholeheartedly thought I was being taken hostage and my internal organs were going to be sold one by one on the black market, but they weren't. The lady knew what she was talking about and I have done it with every kid since. Guess what folks, even after number 5 my waist was 29 inches*

5)Ass
After kids your ass sags. I blame it on the incredible amount of hormones. I mean they are rushing through your body and it only makes sense for them to fill in the back as much as the front. It is a matter of balance people. So what happens after the stomach is gone? The ass deflates or just rotates around and settles into weird spots but the skin is stretched. It is done. That Brazil Butt lift commercial wants you to worry if you can hold a pencil between your butt cheek and your thigh. Watch out Leandro this bitch can hold a two by four. I guess I will keep it that way. It does come in handy when I build shelves and other bullshit like that. But again your ass will never be the same.

6) Love handles
Whoever came up with the term love handle is a complete moron or his term went astray. Seriously, if a man grabded the fat caps on top of your hips and said I want me some of that, what are the odds he would get laid? His ass is going to be walking away with an icepack between his legs. I guarantee it won't be from overuse. The fact is that you get them after pregnancy, where else is that extra skin supposed to go? We sure as hell don't want it moving south.

7) Skin
After you have kids your skin is just dull. Maybe once the kid comes we don't take the time or the money to use the fancy face wash with those scrubbing beads everyday. After a few years the only way to get that teen glow is with sandpaper and crisco, and after that crap soaks in you will look like you have been hoarding McDonald's...in your skin.

 I'm sure there is plenty more, I am sure we could all write a book about what kids do to our bodies. Probably a series on what it does to our sanity or our livers but that can be for another time.

23 comments:

  1. First off, congrats on number 6! Your writing always makes me laugh. It's probably a nervous laugh, because you always speak the truth. I'd sure like to know where the "wrapping yourself" information was when I was pregnant. That little tidbit could have come in handy!!

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  2. Oh I am crying from all the laughter and reality in this. You bet there is not one woman who can't relate - the only difference is some like the plastic and some don't = P

    Happy parenting...you rock!

    Irish Carter
    Dedicated2Life.com
    "Promoting Passionate People"

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  3. Motherhood really does wonders for the body, eh? Great post!

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  4. You rocked it again. You always do. Even with site problems and pregnant and barfing. Love to read you. Always.

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  5. The "vanilla pudding in the sock taped to the ceiling" will be a haunting visual that I may have with me until the day that I die now. Thanks for that ;) Also, I too have tried baby powder in my hair. What a joke. But dry shampoo is slowly becoming more important to me than wine ;) This was brilliant all around! Well done lady!!! P.S. I hate you for wearing a bikini after 5 kids. P.S.S. I still love you for being so funny...

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  6. Oh... the cellulite! WTF? I know! The pregnancy and baby book failed me there... and so did genetics... :(

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  7. *sigh* agree with all!!! You totally nailed it!! :)

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  8. Congrats on baby #6, and welcome to the club! The boob shrinkage is horrible. From B to almost A. Did you know there was such a thing as ALMOST A? And they're a saggy almost A at that.
    Good job with the secret subject!

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  9. I keep thinking about the increased cup size and looking down at my chest. yeah, i gained a cup size, but now they are hanging down to my knees. Couldn't stop laughing about the flexing and not sitting in a bikini. My stomach is like an extra stomach sort of hanging off the original...sigh. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.

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  10. I looking forward to an increase in BOOB size cuz apparently I have NONE....so um yeah...but not sure if I'm looking forward to the rest....i'd be too scared to get plastic surgery...even if it meant i would look better >.< GL hoping you convinced the surgeon that he needs to love more mothers! xoxoxx

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  11. Hahaha! I'm right there with ya! PERFECT description of post 5 kids boobs! Brilliant!

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  12. I absolutely loved all the mental pictures you drew. I'm having fun trying to imagine the exercise balls, wrinkly gumball trousers, and 2x4-holding ass all on the same body.

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  13. Where do people come up with these awesome subjects? My subject I put in for next week's swap was HORRIBLE! My apologies for whomever got stuck with (I can't remember of course).

    I think you have to have a sense of humor to be a mom, because of all the crap it does to your bod. You handle this with wit and great humor! I gained a cup size too but I can't say they are at all attractive. I've had cellulite since I was 16, even when I was a size 0 I still had it (I ain't a zero no more.) And I don't have a muffin top, I have a coffee cake top. Yup, my chance at being a supermodel is blown, I guess I'll have to settle for super something else.

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  14. The mental pictures are still making me laugh ~ so hard that I cried. The sumo wrestler on an exercise ball!? Genius!
    Perfect spin!

    This was a great post :)

    Lanaya
    www.raising-reagan.com

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  15. Oh, some times I wish I could have some work done. I was the opposite. My first pregnancy, I was a size C. I'm a DDD now! I'd get them reduced and perked up a little bit. lol

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  16. You are so freakin funny. I love the pudding/sock erection comment. Genius.

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  17. The boobs--socks with pudding in them? Dear God, I think you must have seen me at the grocery store on a braless day. You couldn't have picked a better way to describe saggy boobs--brilliant!!! Now about the other stuff---can I have your damn stomach? I've had 4 vertical c-sections and that shit is NEVER going to be flat again!! You did an awesome job with this prompt----there's a LOT of moms out there that I need to share this with!

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  18. It's a hilarious post, except for the fact that sadly, it's all true. (I didn't know about that belly binding thing, either!)

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  19. I found myself nodding my head in agreement while reading. I was laughing so hard until I realized I was agreeing. It makes me want to diet and exercise. After I finish my Pop Tart.

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  20. I can agree with all of that except the stomach thing. I have only had 2 and I need help in that area big time! I also have gallbladder removal scars and a big one down the middle from having a ovarian cyst removed while I was pregnant.
    I nominated you for a Liebster Award!! All the info is on my page.

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  21. Your boob description made me pee myself. Seriously. Hilarious as always! I can't stop laughing, your descriptions have got to be the best out there. I wish you were my neighbor. Or a relative. I have really crappy relatives, it would be better with you as my sidekick in crime. I'm having a drink for both of us, great post!

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  22. I swear my boobs shrunk, too. And I had almost nothing to start with. But bright side is that when I am 80 they wont be at my knees!

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  23. Ha! Thank you all for commenting. I swear I responded to these... again from my phone so I guess they aren't showing up... Sorry

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