Thursday, December 27, 2012

It's been a while folks...

It's been a while folks... refill your coffee, grab a diet coke, or get out the corkscrew, it's time to catch up.

So I have been a little missing, not just from you but from my real life friends too. This pregnancy has kicked my ass. Maybe it is regular symptoms and I am just getting my dose of reality. Whatever it is, I am asking you not so kindly to go the hell away. So since it has been a while, and I know you all are DYING to hear what I have been up to.

 I can do this in a half-ass interview form. Just pretend Ellen DeGeneres is asking the questions...

Ellen: You said WTF in front of a nun, I need some back story...(she is definitely shaking her head)

Well I had to take my son to get his tooth re-glued.

Ellen: re-glued?

Yeah, he knocked his tooth out at 3, I called every dentist in the metro-area until I found one who would put a fake tooth in. I have issues, I know.

Ellen: Ok, about this nun...

So we were in the waiting room, the kids were looking at the fish tank. There was a nun in her Sister Act get up, reading. Out walks a man from the exam room and sits down next to me and sets his dentures on the coffee table. I couldn't believe what I saw. Shocking, really. Who throws their falsies all willy-nilly like on the coffee table. I mean shit just doesn't happen like that, its partly bazaar and the other part just plain fucking nasty. I have 4 (6yrs,boy) and 5 (4yrs,boy) looking at the fish tank, I am praying that they stay at the fish tank. Nothing gets past these kids, they would call that SOB out in a second. I thought since I had back up with that damn God cheerleader sitting right there God would at least hear this one. Maybe he needed a laugh or was testing me, because the kids came over.

Immediately, 5 looked at the table and said "teeth". The owner of the dentures picked them up and HANDED HIM TO MY SON.

Ellen: Wait, he handed his dentures to your son? Man, I already need a drink...

Yes, he handed his slobbery ass porcelain teeth to my son. What else was there to do? I WTF'd it. There clearly was no other option. I WTF'd it in front of the nun, in front of the other patients, in front of the office staff. I WTF'd it in front of God. There are no other words besides a WTF to describe the exact feeling of seeing some man hand his dentures to your child. None.

Ellen: What did the nun say, was she shocked? Did she condemn you to Hell?

No, she just nodded her head. I think she got it. She probably didn't approve of the language. But, clearly, the shock of the situation. She got that.

Ellen: What did you do? Did you throw them at him? How did he respond to the WTFing of the denture hand-over?

Hell no, Ellen, I didn't touch them. Shit, I didn't touch my kid for two days. The man took them back and told the kids when they are around 50 they would get their own. Like it was a damn prize for aging. I had to step back from the parenting. This man was about to get what those kids dished. You don't hand out your teeth like Halloween candy and not have some sort of repercussion.

Ellen: So what did 4 say? I hear he  has a knack for telling it like it is...

Oh yes, Ellen the kid is something. He tells you exactly what he thinks. He has no problem with that. And this  man was no exception... He just looked at the man in disgust and shook his head and nonchalantly just said "You probably should have brushed your teeth".  The kid can't lie...

Ellen: WOW

Yeah, it's just how shit gets done around here..

Ellen: No kidding, I would love to hear more but we are out of time. Maybe next time you come back you can tell me about the drunk elves wrapping your Christmas presents..

I would love to!


  1. Ok that's too funny. Why do people think that kind of thing is ok? I don't care if it is an old man...not cool!

  2. That is INSANE. Good for you for not letting it slide. And 5 is right; teeth are supposed to last a lifetime. If you have dentures, you F'd up.

  3. YOU'RE BACK! YAY! One of my wishes came true. Hope you're feeling better and are storing up all your funny. I'm ready.

  4. LMFAO! Missed this. Hope you are feeling as good as possible when you are knocked up...

  5. I used to work for a dentist when I was younger and the one thing I hated most was when the old folks came in and spit out their WARM, sticky dentures in my bare hands for me to go clean them. I still have nightmares about that stuff. ANYWAY.....glad you're back!

  6. My oldest knocked out her 3 top front teeth when she was almost 4. She is nearly 7 now and STILL has no teeth in the front. Sigh, I don't know that I have gotten over it.
    Anyways, this is hilarious!! And gross, I love what he said! Glad your back! Cheers, Devan

  7. That was kind of the highlight of my night...I would have said WTF too. Take good care of yourself- pregnancy can be such a bitch.

  8. Ack. Sorry about the dentures (I would have freaked out too,) but I'm so glad to read your hilarious writing again. I hope you start feeling well very soon.