Tuesday, November 13, 2012

There is not enough padding to contain the kind of crazy.

A conversation between 4 and I...The reasoning behind this conversation to follow..

ME: We need to have a talk. You need to calm these shenanigans bud.

4: I thought you liked my experiments.

ME: I like that you think out of the box, and have quite a clever streak but there is not enough padding for the walls to contain the kind of crazy you are making me. I love you but clearly, this has to stop.

4: I don't think I can. I like my brain. It is good.

ME: You need to find a way to contain that shit, it has gone too far.

4: Ok, but it is really really hard.

Me: I need a drink...( I didn't)

Yesterday 4's tomfoolery had reached exceedingly high limits. Seriously, a woman can only take so much before she looses her shit. I was so exhausted from the afternoon I fell asleep early, to find that the kids had placed a pillow under my head, a blanket on me, cleaned the family room and put my feet up on the ottoman. Clearly they felt bad for what 4 had put me through earlier.

It started with catching a babysitting kid mid-crap and trying to get him on the toilet, which made a huge mess and stink in the bathroom. So I lit a candle. Big mistake.

What can a five year old do locked in a bathroom with a candle, air freshener and marshmallows? One big ass mess. Why he took a bag of marshmallows in the crapper is beyond me. First, he sprayed the candle with the air freshener, a black burn mark now appears on the mirror. Awesome. He also decided to roast marshmallows, he proceeded to burn his finger so I guess he took all the toilet paper off a roll and twisted to cardboard to make a skewer. I guess he realized the roll burned quickly and watered it down in the sink. I guess he then wanted to know how long  it would take for a full roll to burn. I heard counting and then saw smoke pouring out of the bathroom and the smoke detector went off. Even better. I was trying to pick the lock with a paper clip to get into the bathroom because the kid was freaking out. I was just screaming "put it on the toilet I can't get the fng door unlocked!"

Kid was banned from being alone for the next hour he had to be within my eyesight, and absolutely no bathroom. I was cooking, kid found saran wrap. He wrapped every damn thing in the kitchen. He wasn't putting any one's life in danger and he was busy and not trying to play with knives so I just didn't give a shit at that moment. He was testing out the empty tube of saran wrap with the salt shaker. Yes, if you put the tube on top of the salt shaker the salt still in fact comes out the tube. At this point I am just shaking my head..

The kid found the cooler with water bottles in the living room left over from the baseball party. I may post about that ridiculousness, the the anger is too much right now. He picked one up and came back into the kitchen. The kid doesn't like to conform to the norm. He decided to open it with a wine corkscrew. Believe it or not it does work, it pokes a hole in the top of the water bottle. It isn't big enough to suck out the water so you have to squeeze it. This intrigued 4 and he made an indoor fountain. A change of clothes and 4 bath towels later the mess was cleaned up. Thankfully it was time to eat.

4 decided he wasn't hungry. Maybe it was the candle marshmallow roast or maybe the candle produces poison and made him a little sick. I don't know. The rest of us were eating and he was in the living room, I though nothing of it. I heard him rummage through the dresser in there, which for the most part has toys but one drawer has my craft stuff.  Apparently, the kid flipped over the cooler, which I thought was a toy dropping and took out a screwdriver and took the screws out of the cooler. He then tried to move the cooler and water dumped everywhere. He proceeded to make it an indoor slip and slide. Another change of clothes and 12 towels later the floor was dry.

At that point I was ready for pajamas. I went into my room only to find that when he was "playing with legos" earlier the kid had booby trapped my entire room. I see that he was trying to keep out burglars, dad was out of town and he was trying to do his part. It was almost sweet. The only problem is that a burglar  more than likely doesn't want my clothes, Stringing fishing line through every loop on my pants is unnecessary. Toilet paper and toothbrushes could probably be on that list too. I am doubting a thief wouldn't want the faucets. The bench and the furniture doesn't scream class either.

After an hour of unstringing my room, I was done. We had the conversation and I dozed on the couch for an hour. I won't drink when I am the only adult but I sure as hell wanted to.

I love that he is clever, I really do and if these events would have happened one in a day I would be fine. But WTF. How the hell am I supposed to contain that crazy without stifling him. I know he isn't doing this to be mean or hateful he is the most curious kid I have ever met. I don't want him to stop trying new things, for all I know his brain could be the one to cure a horrific disease. But I feel the crazy closing in on me. Today has been better, except for thinking he needed to cook eggs himself and putting them in the microwave cracked without a plate, it is nothing compared to yesterday. I hope our conversation got to him, if not folks you better start up a donation because this bitch may need some padded walls...


  1. OMG! I swear your kid is just like mine. Ten seconds. That is the amount of time my kid can send me over the edge into crazy-ville. Are you sure your kids brain isn't sending secret messages to my daughter's? I can just imagine the crap they would do together.

  2. If your life was a television show I would totally watch it. Or at least DVR it with every intention of watching it, but I'd probably fall asleep instead. I heart your hilarity. You deserve a vacation...or ten.

  3. I wish I could tell you that things will get better but they probably won't--my #4 child did this stuff too-he is now 17 and still doing weird experiments--always did like anything that involved fire or electricity. Hopefully you'll be able to channel his energy into something a little more productive when he gets older. He just may be the child who invents something amazing and wins the Nobel Peace Prize--until then, you might want to start pricing out wall padding for one of your rooms...

  4. I always said I had 2 hands and 2 kids. You just need a few more hands . . .

  5. He is lucky he ended up with you as a mom; I do not have your emotional fortitude.

    I bet he'll invent something super-rad one day.

  6. Sounds like you're raising your very own mad scientist. My heart goes out to you and your mental state!

  7. I am tired just reading this! Kudos to you mama! And whats so bad about a padded room? :0) Here's hoping there is a cold stiff drink in your future!

  8. that kids is definitely genius in development! Love it. Hugs to you Mom....it's going to be a looonnnngggg time raising him!

  9. Oh wow!!! The least I can say is that he sure is very inventive!! :S Your kids are so sweet to tuck you into bed like that when they know that you're stressed!!! Don't worry...one day, 4 will be an awesome scientist and you'll be proud remembering that it all started at your place!! :D

  10. omg its funny to read but I would completely lose my shit if my son did that. I love how creative he is.. I just dont give Bailey the opportunity I am too OCD and I think hes aware of my craziness by now. At least you have funny blog material and stories to embarrass him with when hes older LOL and like others have said you are letting him foster that creativity he may be an amazing doc or scientist some day!

  11. Holy sh*t that is hilarious! Marshmallows in the crapper ...they really give us better material than we could ever make up!