Saturday, November 17, 2012

Fly on the Wall

My friend Karen over at Baking in a Tornado, who is a genius, came up with yet another great group posting idea... I don't know where she came up with the idea, but I could do this daily. In fact, I have lost my notes 3 times in the several weeks and just started over to find my first set. I could fill a novel. Or a t.v. show, whatevs. Karen was so understanding when I couldn't make the deadline because of a blog hack, she even put bailey's in her coffee for me...That is a true bloggy friend...

A Fly on My Wall
 Pull up a chair and grab an adult beverage folks, this may be hard to take...

*Just because you were in the green light zone today at school doesn't mean you can play in the red light...uhmm naughty...uhmmm just get your shit together and behave.

*You had breakfast, another breakfast, a snack, lunch and 3 cups of milk...You are on the obesity train, jump off while you can...

*4 practicing karate, kick misses and kits the couch...5 immediately after jumping on the couch falls onto the kicked arm and it breaks off entirely....Couch being held together with duct tape...Super Classy

* Hubs to the kids: Your mom has no filter...

* 5 got up in the middle of breakfast to crap...he informed me that he had to unload so he can finish.

* I had to explain to one of the older kids, You can't trust a fart.

*  I realized there is nothing like being alone in bed and rolling over to find that a kid had used it as their midnight urinal and left...

* Get me a towel RUUUN.
 kid: WHY?
Just get me a fucking towel..
kid: not until you tell me why..
Someone shit on the toilet seat and I sat in it...RUUUUNNN

* 5 went in to poop and used a half roll and didn't flush, next kid went in and flushed while they were on the toilet... I hear my balls, my balls. I thought he had slammed them...Nope shit was overflowing onto him...Tragic I know.

* Hubs got a new pair of shoes and let kids rip apart the old ones... I said Get that away from me, if I wanted fungus in my beer I would order a fountain beer (draft)...

* Number 1 picked up the babysitting kid and said you are so cute! Kid yacked on her.. I told my daughter clearly the girl thinks she's beautiful...

* Life Cycle of Gum:
3 chewing and dropped it out of his mouth..
4 picks it up and chews it, dropping it outside twice and returning it to his mouth.
4 realizes he is done with the gum and throws it to the ceiling, it dropped and was stepped on..
5 puts said gum in his mouth...And people wonder why my kids never get sick, immune system of The Hulk..

* 3 decides to pants 4 while company is over. 4 is embarrassed and gets upset, older sister waits until 3 is asleep and writes on his head with permanent marker...

* Mom 5 has his balls out... Yep, it's about time you but those boys back in the holster...

* I was in the drive thru at the gas station, a lady I barely know personally- just heard of and heard she doesn't care for me, for no reason whatsoever other than to create some type of dipshit drama, was staring me down through the window. I waving and smiled like I was so excited to see her, she realized I was watching her stare me down and smiled and waved like we were besties... I really like fucking with people...

* Had a baseball party at my house, and in the middle of talking about camps and training programs. A kid came up and told on another kid who was pouring gatorade on himself in the basement.. I said clearly we are in need of a common sense camp...

* Number 1 found something out by reading my texts and said something to my friend and lied about how she found out... I have hinted around how I know what she did, just enough to make her squirm.... I am hinting around that there is something really wrong and freaking her out... I like to see her uncomfortable and worried that I caught her. As soon as she thinks she is in the clear I will pull it out and give a big punishment... It is so much fun to be an evil parent...

This is just a little...hopefully non of you have to live the full-on version , your liver couldn't keep up...


  1. Love the draft beer comment, where were you when I was in college? oh yeah, you weren't born yet. So glad your back. If you weren't around to make me laugh my liver'd have too much work to do!

  2. And this is why I love reading your blog. Your family is just like mine and it makes me feel like we are not alone on the crazy train of life.

  3. "Put your Balls back in your holster" This alone is reason enough to read your blog :) You are definitely a busy mom. We missed you yesterday! Yesterday being the first time I had shown up to my own blog in two weeks. I'm off to brag about your blog some more...and I'm throwing away all the gum in my house :)

  4. I'm just cracking up reading this! Having raised four boys, I can relate! (Just you wait til they're teenagers! It gets to be even more fun!)

  5. Holy crap, that's a lot of drama for one family? How the hell are you still sane?

  6. Worth the wait my dear! Shaking the bed with laughter over here ;)

  7. You crack me up! I love this blog!!!

  8. I love fungus beer! Er....uh, draft beer. Funny stuff lady!

  9. HOLY is this all in one day! What is it with poop and kids. Crapolla I would love a day when I didn't have to deal with any more than 2 ppl poop. I know dealing with my own only in a day is about 20 years away.

  10. This is not only why we drink, it's why we blog. Thanks for a hilarious start to my day (translation, misery loves company!)

  11. I have NO CLUE how you survive each day. I'd have to have a mini fridge full of wine next to my bed just to get up in the morning and deal. The poop on the toilet seat? Now that's some funny shit!

  12. I just laughed so hard I snorted and I now I have to pee...