Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dear county inspector...

County inspector,

It seems we may have a problem. I saw you parked outside of my house yesterday with your lights on. I then saw you get out of your car and walk onto my property. From there you proceeded to look up at my second story window and write something down on your pansy ass piece of paper. I commend you on checking out complaints of public nuisance, truly I do. But seriously, is a screen barely poking out of track a public nuisance? If so, you have an OCD that needs to be contained within blue padded walls.

I took a little drive around the neighborhood to see if I could find anything that is annoying but within your realm of ok. I saw ugly lawn gnomes, shrubbery that is so big it looks like trees are growing through it, and a car that is almost derelict but still drivable, since it is a clear trash bag duct taped to the passenger side window. Obviously, my window is a cause for concern.

If in a week or so I get this letter about my window screen, I will be sure to fix it with hot pink duct tape. Maybe I should make sure they are all in snugly and duct tape the rest, with coordinating colors, of course, as to fit your uber classy taste.

I'm thinking I should go all out this Christmas and carry it into March. I have never had a fake Christmas tree in the front yard decorated with beer cans and bottle caps, but it sounds almost fun. See, sir, I have a bunch of kids and zip tying cans and other bullshit will be a real treat for them. I'm sure the boys wouldn't mind anchoring down said plastic Christmas trees strung with alcoholic beverages via broomsticks, which of course will be wrapped in duct tape to tie the pink windows into the Christmas theme. I think a new wreath may be in order. Who doesn't think a bright red boa and some tampon angels lack class?

Come to think about it, I have always wanted a garage look living room. The industrial look isn't exactly what is screaming at me when I think about cozying up and watching some television. But you know, the breeze may be nice. I could put some space heaters in and open the door for the world to see my industrial garage living space. Maybe I should put a port-a-potty in there, it is a little bit of a trek to the bathroom. Clearly, we can't have a door on it, the stench would be a little much. Since it is a garage with concrete floors that can be hosed off I have no problem leaving food containers on the floor until I can get around to moving the furniture and hosing it out into the sewer.

Mr. Douche, I have thought of many fun ways we can handle this problem in a matter of minutes. Just wait until I am pissed when the letter comes in my mailbox, we could have some real fun. Maybe your wife or a family member will come across this blog and give you a heads up and have a little talk with you about your douchebaggery ways. If not, have your A game ready because you are no match for me.

You've been warned,
Ashes :)
Sound the alarms, folks. We may have
a public nuisance on our hands...

13 comments:

  1. The doorless port-a-potty idea is my fave...go with that one for sure ;) What a dick...

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  2. He needs a good ass kicking. Go get him!

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  3. omg youre too much HAHAHA Im glad I dont have to deal with that crap but I think the hot pink duct tape is a FABULOUS idea :)

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  4. YIKES that is crazy he is going to give you a ticket! But tampon angels sound like a new trend

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  5. You are definitely creative!!! the Douche had better watch out!

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  6. "Pansy ass piece of paper." Looooove it!

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  7. Holy cow! This kind of stuff happens??

    Stay legal, my friend.

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  8. Please put the artificial tree with beer cans in a tutorial. I will "pin" the junk out of that!

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  9. That is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I'm getting scurred right now, because husband and father in law put in a half bath, and i didn't even THINK to check if it's "legal" to do so without professionals and inspections - you know, in MY OWN HOUSE.

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  10. I will head up a group of us to come down and help duct tape the shit outta your house!!

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  11. we have a man like this in our townhouse complex. He makes us all crazy!!!

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  12. LMFAO! You are hilarious! You HAVE to do it - get that Xmas beer can monstrosity up! Too funny.

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