Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dear county inspector...

County inspector,

It seems we may have a problem. I saw you parked outside of my house yesterday with your lights on. I then saw you get out of your car and walk onto my property. From there you proceeded to look up at my second story window and write something down on your pansy ass piece of paper. I commend you on checking out complaints of public nuisance, truly I do. But seriously, is a screen barely poking out of track a public nuisance? If so, you have an OCD that needs to be contained within blue padded walls.

I took a little drive around the neighborhood to see if I could find anything that is annoying but within your realm of ok. I saw ugly lawn gnomes, shrubbery that is so big it looks like trees are growing through it, and a car that is almost derelict but still drivable, since it is a clear trash bag duct taped to the passenger side window. Obviously, my window is a cause for concern.

If in a week or so I get this letter about my window screen, I will be sure to fix it with hot pink duct tape. Maybe I should make sure they are all in snugly and duct tape the rest, with coordinating colors, of course, as to fit your uber classy taste.

I'm thinking I should go all out this Christmas and carry it into March. I have never had a fake Christmas tree in the front yard decorated with beer cans and bottle caps, but it sounds almost fun. See, sir, I have a bunch of kids and zip tying cans and other bullshit will be a real treat for them. I'm sure the boys wouldn't mind anchoring down said plastic Christmas trees strung with alcoholic beverages via broomsticks, which of course will be wrapped in duct tape to tie the pink windows into the Christmas theme. I think a new wreath may be in order. Who doesn't think a bright red boa and some tampon angels lack class?

Come to think about it, I have always wanted a garage look living room. The industrial look isn't exactly what is screaming at me when I think about cozying up and watching some television. But you know, the breeze may be nice. I could put some space heaters in and open the door for the world to see my industrial garage living space. Maybe I should put a port-a-potty in there, it is a little bit of a trek to the bathroom. Clearly, we can't have a door on it, the stench would be a little much. Since it is a garage with concrete floors that can be hosed off I have no problem leaving food containers on the floor until I can get around to moving the furniture and hosing it out into the sewer.

Mr. Douche, I have thought of many fun ways we can handle this problem in a matter of minutes. Just wait until I am pissed when the letter comes in my mailbox, we could have some real fun. Maybe your wife or a family member will come across this blog and give you a heads up and have a little talk with you about your douchebaggery ways. If not, have your A game ready because you are no match for me.

You've been warned,
Ashes :)
Sound the alarms, folks. We may have
a public nuisance on our hands...

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Fly on the Wall

My friend Karen over at Baking in a Tornado, who is a genius, came up with yet another great group posting idea... I don't know where she came up with the idea, but I could do this daily. In fact, I have lost my notes 3 times in the several weeks and just started over to find my first set. I could fill a novel. Or a t.v. show, whatevs. Karen was so understanding when I couldn't make the deadline because of a blog hack, she even put bailey's in her coffee for me...That is a true bloggy friend...

A Fly on My Wall
 Pull up a chair and grab an adult beverage folks, this may be hard to take...

*Just because you were in the green light zone today at school doesn't mean you can play in the red light...uhmm naughty...uhmmm just get your shit together and behave.

*You had breakfast, another breakfast, a snack, lunch and 3 cups of milk...You are on the obesity train, jump off while you can...

*4 practicing karate, kick misses and kits the couch...5 immediately after jumping on the couch falls onto the kicked arm and it breaks off entirely....Couch being held together with duct tape...Super Classy

* Hubs to the kids: Your mom has no filter...

* 5 got up in the middle of breakfast to crap...he informed me that he had to unload so he can finish.

* I had to explain to one of the older kids, You can't trust a fart.

*  I realized there is nothing like being alone in bed and rolling over to find that a kid had used it as their midnight urinal and left...

* Get me a towel RUUUN.
 kid: WHY?
Just get me a fucking towel..
kid: not until you tell me why..
Someone shit on the toilet seat and I sat in it...RUUUUNNN

* 5 went in to poop and used a half roll and didn't flush, next kid went in and flushed while they were on the toilet... I hear my balls, my balls. I thought he had slammed them...Nope shit was overflowing onto him...Tragic I know.

* Hubs got a new pair of shoes and let kids rip apart the old ones... I said Get that away from me, if I wanted fungus in my beer I would order a fountain beer (draft)...

* Number 1 picked up the babysitting kid and said you are so cute! Kid yacked on her.. I told my daughter clearly the girl thinks she's beautiful...

* Life Cycle of Gum:
3 chewing and dropped it out of his mouth..
4 picks it up and chews it, dropping it outside twice and returning it to his mouth.
4 realizes he is done with the gum and throws it to the ceiling, it dropped and was stepped on..
5 puts said gum in his mouth...And people wonder why my kids never get sick, immune system of The Hulk..

* 3 decides to pants 4 while company is over. 4 is embarrassed and gets upset, older sister waits until 3 is asleep and writes on his head with permanent marker...

* Mom 5 has his balls out... Yep, it's about time you but those boys back in the holster...

* I was in the drive thru at the gas station, a lady I barely know personally- just heard of and heard she doesn't care for me, for no reason whatsoever other than to create some type of dipshit drama, was staring me down through the window. I waving and smiled like I was so excited to see her, she realized I was watching her stare me down and smiled and waved like we were besties... I really like fucking with people...

* Had a baseball party at my house, and in the middle of talking about camps and training programs. A kid came up and told on another kid who was pouring gatorade on himself in the basement.. I said clearly we are in need of a common sense camp...

* Number 1 found something out by reading my texts and said something to my friend and lied about how she found out... I have hinted around how I know what she did, just enough to make her squirm.... I am hinting around that there is something really wrong and freaking her out... I like to see her uncomfortable and worried that I caught her. As soon as she thinks she is in the clear I will pull it out and give a big punishment... It is so much fun to be an evil parent...

This is just a little...hopefully non of you have to live the full-on version , your liver couldn't keep up...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

There is not enough padding to contain the kind of crazy.

A conversation between 4 and I...The reasoning behind this conversation to follow..

ME: We need to have a talk. You need to calm these shenanigans bud.

4: I thought you liked my experiments.

ME: I like that you think out of the box, and have quite a clever streak but there is not enough padding for the walls to contain the kind of crazy you are making me. I love you but clearly, this has to stop.

4: I don't think I can. I like my brain. It is good.

ME: You need to find a way to contain that shit, it has gone too far.

4: Ok, but it is really really hard.

Me: I need a drink...( I didn't)

Yesterday 4's tomfoolery had reached exceedingly high limits. Seriously, a woman can only take so much before she looses her shit. I was so exhausted from the afternoon I fell asleep early, to find that the kids had placed a pillow under my head, a blanket on me, cleaned the family room and put my feet up on the ottoman. Clearly they felt bad for what 4 had put me through earlier.

It started with catching a babysitting kid mid-crap and trying to get him on the toilet, which made a huge mess and stink in the bathroom. So I lit a candle. Big mistake.

What can a five year old do locked in a bathroom with a candle, air freshener and marshmallows? One big ass mess. Why he took a bag of marshmallows in the crapper is beyond me. First, he sprayed the candle with the air freshener, a black burn mark now appears on the mirror. Awesome. He also decided to roast marshmallows, he proceeded to burn his finger so I guess he took all the toilet paper off a roll and twisted to cardboard to make a skewer. I guess he realized the roll burned quickly and watered it down in the sink. I guess he then wanted to know how long  it would take for a full roll to burn. I heard counting and then saw smoke pouring out of the bathroom and the smoke detector went off. Even better. I was trying to pick the lock with a paper clip to get into the bathroom because the kid was freaking out. I was just screaming "put it on the toilet I can't get the fng door unlocked!"

Kid was banned from being alone for the next hour he had to be within my eyesight, and absolutely no bathroom. I was cooking, kid found saran wrap. He wrapped every damn thing in the kitchen. He wasn't putting any one's life in danger and he was busy and not trying to play with knives so I just didn't give a shit at that moment. He was testing out the empty tube of saran wrap with the salt shaker. Yes, if you put the tube on top of the salt shaker the salt still in fact comes out the tube. At this point I am just shaking my head..

The kid found the cooler with water bottles in the living room left over from the baseball party. I may post about that ridiculousness, the the anger is too much right now. He picked one up and came back into the kitchen. The kid doesn't like to conform to the norm. He decided to open it with a wine corkscrew. Believe it or not it does work, it pokes a hole in the top of the water bottle. It isn't big enough to suck out the water so you have to squeeze it. This intrigued 4 and he made an indoor fountain. A change of clothes and 4 bath towels later the mess was cleaned up. Thankfully it was time to eat.

4 decided he wasn't hungry. Maybe it was the candle marshmallow roast or maybe the candle produces poison and made him a little sick. I don't know. The rest of us were eating and he was in the living room, I though nothing of it. I heard him rummage through the dresser in there, which for the most part has toys but one drawer has my craft stuff.  Apparently, the kid flipped over the cooler, which I thought was a toy dropping and took out a screwdriver and took the screws out of the cooler. He then tried to move the cooler and water dumped everywhere. He proceeded to make it an indoor slip and slide. Another change of clothes and 12 towels later the floor was dry.

At that point I was ready for pajamas. I went into my room only to find that when he was "playing with legos" earlier the kid had booby trapped my entire room. I see that he was trying to keep out burglars, dad was out of town and he was trying to do his part. It was almost sweet. The only problem is that a burglar  more than likely doesn't want my clothes, Stringing fishing line through every loop on my pants is unnecessary. Toilet paper and toothbrushes could probably be on that list too. I am doubting a thief wouldn't want the faucets. The bench and the furniture doesn't scream class either.

After an hour of unstringing my room, I was done. We had the conversation and I dozed on the couch for an hour. I won't drink when I am the only adult but I sure as hell wanted to.

I love that he is clever, I really do and if these events would have happened one in a day I would be fine. But WTF. How the hell am I supposed to contain that crazy without stifling him. I know he isn't doing this to be mean or hateful he is the most curious kid I have ever met. I don't want him to stop trying new things, for all I know his brain could be the one to cure a horrific disease. But I feel the crazy closing in on me. Today has been better, except for thinking he needed to cook eggs himself and putting them in the microwave cracked without a plate, it is nothing compared to yesterday. I hope our conversation got to him, if not folks you better start up a donation because this bitch may need some padded walls...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Mom, you were waving it around like a crazy person...

So I really debated writing this, I mean it makes me sound crazy. So here are a few things you need to know...
1) When I get flustered or upset or excited I talk with my hands.
2) I don't believe in child abuse.

You get that? Ok, we can carry on.

The other night I was making dinner, peeling potatoes. The kids were in the kitchen wrestling. 4 was just in his underwear, I could say as usual but most of the time he is butt-ass naked, so I'm not going to lie.
4 was sitting on 5 with his butt in 5's face. All of a sudden he said "I'm gonna fart in your face", I mean it's gross but they are both boys and do that kind of shit on a daily basis. I couldn't tell you how many times I have said don't fart in your brother's face. I mean seriously, its ridiculous.

So 4's ass was in 5's face and his intention was to fart. The look on his face told me otherwise. 4 stood up and his underwear had a patch of brown that was spreading upward and outward. I was shocked, I don't loose my shit very often but I yelled and I used hand movements. " Seriously, seriously... you damn near shit in your brother's face, get the hell out of here". 4 runs upstairs balling his eyes out. I finish peeling the potatoes and I go upstairs to make sure he cleaned himself up and was ok.

I walked in and he wanted to see my hands. I had no idea why, but I had nothing in my hands. He said ok, you can come in. I asked him if he was embarrassed or something. He said "no, you had a knife in your hand and you were waving it around like a crazy person."

So we had to have a conversation.

Me: 4, you know that I love you. But really how many times have you been spanked in your life? Very rarely. When you do something that is life threatening.

4: No, remember that time you spanked me twice in one day?

Me: yes, that was after your 3 day bitch stint, and you were clearly warned and old enough to know better
       and you didn't even cry.

4: ok, so you weren't waving that knife at me?

Me: Hell NO, if anyone would've gotten shanked it would have been my own face.

4: mom, you aren't supposed to put knives near your face.

me:  Accident.

4: that could've gotten you killed.

Me: Thanks, I will be sure to remember that the next time I am peeling potatoes and you shit in your
       brother's face.

FYI: The bitch stint was a several day period that this 5 year old decided to put the word bitch after everything... I'm tired, BITCH... I'm hungry...BITCH, I wiped my butt... BITCH. I warned him for 3 days that I was going to spank him when he said bitch, it took two small pops to learn his lesson. I am sorry if you don't agree, but know that I am a yeller or sarcastic I am not a spanker, and that I have nerves of steel so it takes a lot to even get me to the yelling point...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Chivalry isn't 3rd grade at least...

My kids act like assholes at home, seriously. I love them but they act like inbred asshats. Just yesterday we had yet another haircut incident, a toothpaste/coupon debalce and they poured baby powder on the hardwood just so they could slide in their underwear. Told you, assholes. They do NOT dare act like this in public. My favorite quote is "homes are for free expression, not first impressions", we live honestly by that. As long as you aren't torturing someone and you can fix it yourself, its not a big deal. Act like fools and laugh your ass off, I am fine with that. Rarely my kids act like a pack of dumbasses in public. One does, but we are working on it.

At school, they get rave behavior reviews, 4 had a little mishap at the beginning of the year but since he has been great. Clearly, informing your classmates you aren't afraid to kick all their asses is frowned upon in Kindergarten. 3 has never been warned, had a yellow day or even a stern look. Last year he won a character award at school because he is so nice to the other kids, especially the ones with special needs. This absolutely makes me so proud. Clearly he would never win an award at home, well maybe the I made mom drink today award, but never an at-home behavior gold star.

3 came home and busted out into tears, a full on hyperventilating snot spraying drooling crying fit. I expect this from a teen girl who lost her first boyfriend, not my little jock of a son. After 45 minutes of piecing words between sobs I figured out he had a yellow day. I told him I was glad he made it to the third grade, I wasn't worried. But let's not go for the whole stoplight and get a red. Let's leave well enough alone.

I figured out what had happened. Apparently he was making a face, like the rest of the other boys in the class, and a girl laughed. Well another girl, his best friend, got into trouble and she wasn't the offender, he spoke up and said it was him and not her. The teacher asked if he deserved a  yellow card and he said more than his best friend. I am so proud of my chivalrous little boy. His best friend did nothing wrong and he was willing to take a yellow day in her place. She got a yellow day too, which neither deserved because there are some real gems in that class and they get warnings all the time. Maybe the teacher was trying to make an example that the two good kids can get into trouble too, the other mom also one of my best friends is livid. I see her side, her kid is good. Not just at school, at her house, at my house and the girl isn't a tattler, that reigns high in my book. I don't think I am going to say anything to the teacher, she is a sweet lady, although my son thoroughly believes she will hate him forever. She may have had a plan or a bad day either way everyone is still alive and didn't hang themselves in the middle of the night. So we are good.

I do have to talk to the boy about this taking the blame for shit. Although it was a nice idea, what if one of his dillhole friends decides to rob a bank.  I can think of so many ways that taking the fall for someone could end badly. Thank God for DNA evidence...or my kid would be screwed as an adult...

Friday, November 2, 2012

If I had a superpower...

I am doing the secret subject blog swap. The brain child of Baking in a Tornado.

Superpowers, they are tricky little bitches. Im not sure so let's think this out in bullet point form.

Super sonic hearing. That could be good. But I do go out of my way not to hear things. You know when a kid says oh mom is going to be so mad, some things are just better left unknown.

X-ray vision. Again could work. It would save many trips to the ER. But that also means I can see people's unders. Skid marked, blow hole underwear. Possibly some skimpies on a Mac truck sized hind end. Or even worse, the lacking of drawers. Even though it would save in ER visits my therapy couldn't outweigh the reward.

Mind reading. Could be good with the kids. But that's too easy. I like a good challenge, unless it's balding- I don't want that. I enjoy a good mystery. Watching the kids eyes look away or think they got away with something. I enjoy the cat and mouse of it. It's an under appreciated joy of parenthood.

Knowing the future. This is also good in theory but if I knew something bad was going to happen to someone I couldn't look them in the face. Unless they are an asshole. Then I would have a little laugh and probably tell them to watch their step. Knowing how your kids are going to turn out or how a situation in your life will end up. I'm not sure I want to know. I like the unknown, I thrive on the unknown unless it's really bad, and in that case an unpleasant surprise at the last moment may be better.

Flying. I have always wanted to fly. Although, I have never stepped foot on a plane. I wonder if birds could crap on you while you are flying? Can they crap on moving objects? Oh wait, one let a load off on my windshield going 60. I'm not a fan of aviary droppings so I won't go with that.

Invisibility. It would be cool, I am a people watcher. Then again, there are somethings I may be better off not knowing. The world is full of freaks and I like to think the peeps around here are not. I'm sure that is not the case. Seeing would just cause mass castration or extreme bitch-slapping. I may need bail money. Maybe we shouldn't go with that one.

Running at the speed of light. That would take care of the aviary shit-turds, and I could travel anywhere in a matter of seconds or minutes. Actually I'm not sure how fast the speed of light is, it may not be that impressive. But not being raped by gas prices would be an added bonus.

I wouldn't want to be the type of superhero to save people. I do enough of that in real life. Need a ride? Me. Need a babysitter? Me again. Need gas money? Oh oh me too. Need a hand with your work? Oh yeah, who is the dumbass who raises her hand. Me. Yeah, I'm done with all that shit.

I will go with the speed, maybe that list of six thousand things not finished at the end of the day can be 5,999? One can dream, right?

Thank you to The Insomniac's Dream for giving me this prompt. I had to dig around a little and put some work in this. Thanks for the challenge. Karen, at baking in a tornado, you are the mastermind of this genius operation. Thank you for allowing my crazy ass in.