Saturday, October 20, 2012

Must see event of the century...a redneck wedding

A few weeks ago I received a Facebook invite, to a wedding. Yes, a wedding. Ok I get it. Those invitations are expensive blah blah, whatever. I paid for mine, most people do. For all I know these folks started a trend.

In the post were comments, it started out with BYOC, bring your own chair. I am ok with that, I mean renting chairs is like being bent over without the lube, I can do that.

Then it was dress code. Jeans, an outdoor wedding in the middle of October. Sounds about right, it is hit or miss in the Midwest, so you never know.

Next it was BYOB. Now that pisses me off. If I am going to bring your ass a gift, fess up some damn booze. It is only fitting. I almost rescinded my attend. Until...

It was potluck. Yes you read correctly, potluck. So I have to put up enough food to share and buy you a gift. Here's the finger, dude..Pick ONE. But I knew I could not miss this.

Pictures will be at the end. Don't you bitches scroll down until you read, I am watching you....

I decided to make hot wings for my potluck, I seriously googled squirrel for roadkill sandwiches. But I figured it would be a little much. It probably wasn't. During my Martha Stewart minute I put too many wings in the fryer and it blew up. Seriously blew up. There was grease everywhere. I poured some dish soap and used a spatula to wipe it into a pan. It was everywhere. I guarantee my kitchen will be all kinds of  Kentucky Fried shiny for the next 5 years.

I ran out of time for my shower so I redneckognized and put baby powder in my hair. I did it. I'm not proud. Shit happens. Don't judge.

I was praying that someone didn't suck the little class I had left. I knew this was going to be reckneck, hoosier, backwoods, hillbilly, yokel. I don't know, just not right...

So I got there a little late and missed the 4 minute ceremony. Which was performed by a guy I grew up with who was Mormon. This is Missouri, not Utah, one wife. He was dressed in jeans with a shirt stamped tuxedo. I shit you not, he bought a t-shirt with a tudexo on the front. It only goes down hill from here folks. He was drunk.

The bride was also wearing jeans, cowboy boots and a flowery top, circa 1987. She was obviously boycotting make up and a hairbrush, more that likely that toothbrush must have fallen through the cracks, too. She must have left them in her time warp closet, I am just assuming. The groom, oh the groom, he was a mixture between Larry the Cable guy and the uni bomber. He wore a button down shirt with the sleeves ripped off. He ripped the sleeves off a perfectly good shirt to prove that he is the redneck king, or queen since his shirt was in fact a shade of pink/peach. I am just glad he remembered his teeth.

I was 4 minutes late, everyone was drunk. I am not going to lie I had a few before I went, I knew I couldn't take that shit sober. So everyone is eating, laughing, drinking. This was on a deck, a small deck, my aunt's deck. I generally love people, stranger type people. I can talk to stranger any day, but friends and family- I'm good. They hear about my life and I feel put on the spot to entertain, that's tough. I do have a picture from a recording, but you have to wait...

So this officiator, he has been scorned by a wife who left him with two children. He was an ass to my kids. He started with 5, then 3 and 4 came after his ass. I was secretly hoping they would junk punch the preacher. I know Hell has a place card for me. I don't care he was mean. He told them he was going to hit them hard. Mama had to step in. Mama Bear doesn't play fair, and thinking about turning some one's dick into a fork and feeding them their testicles like spaghetti will probably get me a seat closer to the devil. Because preacher, or not, if that guy would have hit my kid he would be leaving on a stretcher...

I wasn't surprised it was a carhartt and camo type of affair. The groom's father fell into the bushes. I don't mean like skimmed on his way down, fell. Ass first into the bushes because he couldn't handle his liquor. I hope he called a cab.

The Dj was a country music station on the radio. Impressive, I know. If they knew my talent I could have so been their wedding singer. They could have paid me in beer, oh wait it was BYOB...assholes.

So there was a Whitey's run. White Castle's belly bombers are usually conserved until after a long night of drinking, to soak up the alcohol. Not at this wedding. An hour after the start there was a whitey's run. I couldn't believe I was subjecting myself to this madness. I just hung my head in shame. Looks like I am in it for the long haul. Crap.

And then there was the toast. There was a bottle of wine, it was too fancy for most. People were pouring beer into plastic cups. I thought that was bad. Until the groom was thanked for shaving during the toast. I couldn't help myself. I totally pulled a WTF, said it out loud. It may be on camera/video. But it was done. I can't take it back, so we must move on.

They threw cake in each others face. Poor girl was covered. I would have ripped the certificate right then and there and taken a cab home. She was a sport, just washed it off and laughed. I, personally, called him a dick. There are so many reasons I have to call him a dick, this isn't the biggest. Maybe telling my family that he and I were an item and we weren't, EVER.  Maybe when he polident'd his dentures in my presence. There are many reasons, but I chose the cake face smash.

A funny thing, the dad of the groom had this weird gamer thing on his head all night. A head set. I wasn't clear on what it was until he handed it to the bride, whom he has never met, to talk to his wife. The wife he left the groom to go live with 17 years ago, and before, today has not met. That was awkward. I felt her pain. I helped her out and said something was going on, which it wasn't. See, I really can be a good person.

The groom hugged 1, and his pit pubes got caught in her hair. My poor girl is only 14 and her beautiful locks were raped by pit hair. She kept on saying something smelled. It was the groom's pit stench that had stuck to her hair.  Please wear deodorant to your fng wedding, seriously a swipe her and there and you are done, a kindergartner could own that shit. Her life will never be the same. You can't come back from that. She may swing the other way, I can't blame her, if that happened to me I may have a crew cut and wear plaid lumberjack shirts. But I don't do anything half way. ( FYI I have lesbian friends and we joke about plaid lumberjack shirts and crew cuts, I love the gays so don't get your panties in a wad...)

We decided to leave when the talk of guns and someone going to find one came out. They were so drunk off their asses my 4 year old would have had better aim. And as my friend , my brain on kids, said nothing says family friendly like beer and guns. So this bitch was out. I asked my soon to be cousin to keep notes and take pics for the remainder and she said everyone left or was too frunk (yes, I meant to put frunk, it is like ugly is to fugly, drunk is to frunk) to get up...I was disappointed. And the fact that some of my beer was stolen, makes me even more disappointed in this redneck style society. Folks, there is no borrowing in beer. Once it is consumed I don't want the repercussions in my purse. But, thank you for the thought.

If there was an award for best dressed, my ass had it in the bag. I wore a sweater dark jeans and boots with a heel. I was the only one not in tennis shoes, not regular kicks- mudding kicks. I may have been the only one to wear make up, shit I was the only one wearing make up except my oldest daughter. Who goes to a wedding and not wear makeup? Even a potluck wedding, your throw a little paint on that barn.

This wedding was something and I will leave you pictures. I didn't get a gift. I spent 37 dollars on wings, had to bring my own chairs, spent 12 dollars on beer and 6 dollars on soda for the kids and other guests. I usually give a 50 dollar present. The way I see it they owe me five dollars....and a lot of therapy.

Thank you my tweeple for helping me get through this, Baking in a tornado, Life's too short to play possum, Diapers....or wine, It's a dome life, You're such a mom, and a little appearance by Happy Little Feet. I would have blocked out the memories, if not for the play by play and support from you :)

Pics were removed...


  1. I don't know about you but this was the most fun I've ever had at a wedding I didn't go to. This was so much fun I'm hoping you'll do it again next weekend. Check your FB page and stock up on chairs and beer. BTW, fashion tip: bullet proof vests.
    Thanks for the laugh. I don't stay up till 1:00am waiting for just anyone to post, you know.

    1. HAHA! Speaking of Facebook pages, I accidentally posted this on my personal one, you know the one in which all the participants are on. I got a few likes out of it. I am glad the groom is too drunk to read it...

  2. OMG! win. But you HAVE to submit this to Etiquette Hell. You HAVE to! Fabulous example of what NOT to do! Laughed til I cried! You have inspired me to post my own dip into the low class wedding for it soon. Mine is actually published on etiquette hell (yup THAT bad)..and it wasn't MY wedding. Jeez my Southern Baptist Mama would rather die than let me serve cheese off a cookie sheet. Trust's a hoot. But I don't know...the TIGER that looked like he was doing some cootchie cleaning to the Dragon on the CAKE of It's A DOME Life...that was something huh? don't know. That cake pretty much sums it up.

  3. I seriously thought maybe you were exaggerating. You know, hyperbole for effect. I cannot believe that this was the real deal. What in redneckery is this?! Even the Honey Boo Boos of the world know you gotta class things up a little for special occasions! Unless, of course, marriage isn't a big deal and really no more special than going to a tailgate on a Friday night.

    And preacher don't mean sh!t unless he actually lives what the Bible says. If that man so much as raised a finger at *my* kid, he would be kissing some body parts goodbye. You go, Mama Bear!

  4. Life complete. And i have ou to thank for that. Bless you and i feel we should take up donations to get the bride and groom a homeymoon to the camping aisle of Dicks Sporting Goods.

  5. Wow! What an event! Ypur commentary was so colorful, it was almost like being there!

  6. Wow. Just. Wow. This is the best wedding recap EVER!!

  7. I can't believe I didn't get here in time to see the pics. SO disappointed. But your description was awesome and I'm cracking up!

    Thanks for the visuals!!

  8. wow!! How can I get invited to such events?!!

  9. Um, that was amazing. Just...amazing...I think I'll renew my vows in that fashion some day. You can come and cover the story, and I'll even provide your beer.

  10. Oh dear God, I don't even know what to say except for "dammit, I missed the pics!" Do you still have them by chance? Heehee :)

  11. I can't blog about my best white trash wedding, because they're actually in my family. It's so disappointing because it would make a kick ass screenplay and I can't really do it publicly except for here and in my personal account of best/worst weddings. There was a dude in a Harley Davidson t-shirt with his rat tail braided at the back with a gal wearing a criss-cross backed sundress with a regular bra and mismatched bathing suit tan under it, the first song was "Sit on my face and tell me that you love me" from Monty Python - I kid you not! The father of the groom made the mother of the groom cry during the reception and the best man got into a fist fight with the DJ.

    So glad to have discovered you through Blog-hopping on the TGIF Blog Hop on YKIHAYHT.


  12. All I can say is WOW! I could say more but you know the old saying, if you don't have anything nice to say......
    I feel for you and your kids. I'm sure you had better things to do after that experience.But as my wonderful husband says" hindsight is always 20/20". lmbo