Thursday, October 4, 2012

If my life was a movie...

I am in a secret subject blog swap. This is what my subject is. I have put it off for two weeks, great job I know. I thought I would do better under pressure, yep total fail. I am at a loss on this one, it is easy for me to write about my experiences and thoughts, but someone else's it is hard. So I am going to give it my best...

If my life was a movie it would be called Home Alone: Lost in Kid City, mainly because I am always outnumbered. But it would be a mix with Cheaper by the Dozen because at any given moment there are a shit ton of kids trucking through this place. Soaking meat in underwear doesn't sound too far fetched either. Neither does scaling from a rooftop in the NYC. So I will just give you just a round about real life happenings and clump them in a day.

Morning happens all 5 are up they inevitably are having a food fight of some sorts, usually ending in some form of juice being spit into one's eyes. Which turns into someone getting pissed and picking up a couch cushion which causes the kid to run into another one carrying a jug of unopened milk, fork in hand and stabs the jug of milk. Milk is everywhere, and of course it was left in the garage fridge and clumps come out and stinks the place up. Kids start chucking and I start cussing...

I get half the kids ready to send off to school, waiting at the door I hand them a stick of gum and remind them to scrub the plaque off at least the front of their teeth. Grab a piece of laundry from the laundry room, more than likely dirty and tell a kid to wet it. Kid comes back with a wet shirt smelling like piss, we don't have time to check. Get them sent off in their mismatching clothes and ridiculous bedhead and get to work on the mess the heathens always make. I go into the bathroom and figure out that the dirty shirt was dipped into a toilet full of urine the drips from the toilet to the front door tell me this in fact was the case. I go to clean the toilet only to find it is stopped up, go search out the toilet snake only to find the tools have been strayed about. Clean up the mess and find the snake. From the toilet I find a Barbie head, 3 matchbox cars and a fork, eh minor compared to the tennis ball I can't get out of the upstairs toilet. While I am in there I clean the bathroom and wash my hand only to find while grabbing the towel to see that it has been used in place of toilet paper.All I can think is, Great more laundry, and I wonder who didn't realize there was shit on this and still used it? Add Lysol to the list...

Kids want to do art, I am ok with it. I tell them to go ahead and start on some laundry. I come back to find they have used the walls in place of paper. And that paper was glued to the cabinets. Lovely. Now onto cleaning this mess when someone finds a bag of candy leftover from Halloween. I find sucker sticks glued to the carpet and someone has wrapped their slightly chewed gum around their head. I have to cut circles around said kid's hair and after I am done I send them to their room. I try to clean the massacre they made out of the family room and see all the mashed up shit under the couches they so nicely flipped over to make a fort out of glue and paper and couches.

I hear Hey mom look at this, and I run, FAST. I know this is more than likely something I do not want to see. Nope sure isn't. I find a kid hanging from the top bunk with a piece of twine attached to his belt loop with a key chain hook. When I ask what in the Hell possessed them, they said it worked on the baby. Well then carry on. No, not really I get the kid down and burn that fng piece of twine. I check the time it is 10:00, I am counting down the hours until it is socially acceptable for a drink.

Then comes lunchtime, they eat, spill more shit and squirt ketchup on each other, I am not surprised isn't this normal? More shenanigans appear out of nowhere, I go to read my library book and I find every other page is cut out. Awesome now I am paying $15.99 for a book I would have never bought. Remember the tool excersion? Yeah that just bit me in the ass I hear a kid yelling it appears someone has nailed his pants to the wall, with him in them. I get him down and hear another kid. Yep locked himself in the bathroom via a booby trap made from sticky drywall tape. Still counting down to drink time as I climb through the bathroom window and rescue the child from his own booby trap. He believes that theives stop for a potty break.

We decide to go to the park where a kid gets stuck in a drainage pipe, and an annoying mom is trying to have a conversation with me while I am trying to pull my kid to freedom. Park is done, I am done and it is 2:45. Big kids are almost home and I haven't gone to the store.

I take all the kids to the store and one wanders off for 3 seconds while I turn the corner to the next aisle, he flips his lid and screams "What are you trying to do, get me snatched?" Fortunately we are close to the office supplies and I open up a Sharpie and write my phone number on his stomach and tell him he will be fine. Leaving the sharpie for the next kid who thinks they are snatch-able. While in the store my kid feels the need to ask a woman in workout gear AKA Biggest Looser weigh in attire why her fatty hanging out her wimmersuit? We just leave, quickly and appears we are ordering pizza tonight. In the parking lot a kid runs out in front of a car. I have the sense to throw him into the cart rack but not enough to move myself. Yep run over my left foot. I hobble to the car with tire treads bruised onto the top of my foot.

It is now 5 pm we have the TV on, a radio blaring in the same room, a phone with a loud ass game and someone practicing their violin. This causes a major screaming fight because no body can hear themselves think let alone hear the device they have chosen. I am now locked in the closet with a watch. I know I have 3 minutes until all Hell breaks loose. 30 seconds in DAMN IT, they are fighting with water nice. Well one of the kids runs and slips on water face plants into a wall and bloodies a nose.

So we  have a fire and pizza, I find a kid under the trampoline lighting matches, turns into a major chase around the house with all the kids involved, I am done. Just done. Tired exhausted and everything in between. I change the clocks by an hour, hoping nobody notices.

It is bedtime, this is my time. The hubs comes home and wants a little, I ask if he has gotten his balls chopped off yet? Nope. Sorry closed for business. I sit back and think about the day and laugh, until tears are running down my face and then I grab a beer and decide a beer in the bathtub, is the only way to end this day... While in the tub the Prize Patrol comes, I miss it, that is ok. I don't need a million dollars, or a housekeeper (maybe) or a nanny.  Because even if everyday was this crazy I wouldn't change a thing about it.


Players of this game:
My Brain on kids         Baking in a Tornado   Happy Little Feet   Stacy Sews and Schools
Life on Peanut Layne    Dinosaur Super Hero Mommy    Follow Me Home  Big A little a


And Fyi I am not telling who submitted mine, I am just that good at keeping secrets...mwahahahaha...Ok sometime in the comments :)





24 comments:

  1. LOVE it. Thank you for making me feel so much better about my day, I only get about half of that. Clearly your life is not any movie already filmed, thanks for sharing your script...it really could be a movie!

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    1. You are QUICK>>> I had to revert it to draft to add the links of the other players!

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  2. I learned two tricks from your veyr-busy life. Gum instead of toothpaste and the use of sharpies as a tool for having my kids returned safely tp me at the end of the day. I would be passed out at the park after your morning! It's great to know that you like your life exactly (kind of?) the way it is. Thanks once again, for the laugh. I say that too often on your blog, but mean it every time.

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    1. I'm glad you learned! I like to hear I made people laugh, that my friend never gets old...

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  3. OMGosh!!! We live parallel lives!!!! LOL
    At any point in the day you can hear my yelling things like, "NO! Do not put gas on the fire!", "Let's scratch our butts from the OUTside of our clothing!", "No! Cats canNOT fly!"
    ROFLOL!!!!!

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    1. I'm StacySewsandSchools, btw... LOL
      You did an AWESOME job with the theme!!!! :))

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    2. Thanks! It is hard I wanted to live up to your vision but it still had to be me and if I would have made something up it would have been horrible!

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    3. 'Let's scratch our butts from OUTside of our clothing' - crying with laughter here.....

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  4. This is a movie I would pay to watch at least twice. I think maybe it should be shown in middle school as part of the sex-ed curriculum. Let's just hope when your kids grow up they have kids just like them. Then we will finally get the last laugh!

    My favorite part is the end when you say you still wouldn't change a thing. Love that!

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    1. Ha! I like that! I can't imagine having any more fun in my life. They are crazy and get into stuff all the time but they make me laugh everyday!

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  5. Do we live the same life? I think we do! This is the funniest shit i've read next to your Lysol wipes post! LOVE IT ALL! I'm dying laughing over here!!!!

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    1. I think a bunch of people do! Kid still has blisters in his crack, I told him to put some neosporin in there and watching him walk was HILARIOUS

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  6. woah!! Your life's better than a movie!! :D

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    1. Thanks! One day I am going to video tape our day and edit it together for fun

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  7. Exhausted from having read this, I now know the smartest thing I ever did was get a tubal ligation after kid #2!!!

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    1. Ha! And to think only two of my kids really pull shit. If I started off with the boys I would have never had more!

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  8. Your life is definitely more exciting!! You need a reality show.

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  9. I'm popping Xanax like tic tacs just reading this lol. My son would love to live next door to you guys! Omg, I can't stop laughing. I've read it twice, and I might go for a 3rd! Now, hopefully this comment thing works for me this time or someone dies.

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    1. Haha! Yours finally came to my inbox, almost two weeks worth at once. We have crap neighbors now, I need some fun ones!

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  10. OMG! I see me! It worked, it finally worked! I just had to log in. God, I'm an idiot. lol.

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  11. HA! I love this and I love your blog title! I don't play well with others either. I often need a time out. (preferably with a glass of wine) ;) Following you from the Friday Hop!

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  12. Oh geeze hun, wish I could help you and give you another pair of hands...girl you are amazing! I have no idea how you do it! Sorry I'm just going crazy commenting on your blog...I can't get off lolol ur just so addicting!

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  13. OMG girl that is so damn funny....You are a piece of work

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