Friday, October 12, 2012

If Caillou's mom was a blogger...

Every parent has to watch shows that rub them the wrong way. Caillou usually has a two drink minimum in my household. Well the kid wanted to watch at 7:30. Clearly too early for mom to have a drink. So I was watching and that got me to thinking, always trouble, so I figured there were two ways to take this, the rainbow and unicorns bullshit that it shows OR ....

Hi! I am Caillou's mommy. You have probably seen our reality show. I do not have a name. The producers felt it too cliche to give me or my skanty eyebrowed husband a one. We are French, but we lack the usual accent. I am living proof that The French Women Don't Get Fat diet is a farce. A damn lie. Hundreds of pages of pure bullshit.

Have you seen my kid? He has been 4 for the last 6 or more years. I wish he could just grow the fuck up. These shots to keep him 4 are a tremendous expense. For what? So the little bastard can get his way all the time for yet another season? So he can show the kids who watch exactly how to run the world into the ground? To teach kids to be outright pansies? The producers thought it was best that way.

Another thing those dipshit producers do is encourage whining. Why do I let this go on? It makes me drink in the closet. I literally have soaked earplugs in Vodka, just to make it through the day. He is a little brat. I can't take it. There have been so many times I have resisted picking up a roll from the Krafts food table and chucking it at his whiny ass. Maybe we should see about a surgery to remove his adenoids or put a band around his vocal chords? Whatever it is, something has to be done. NOW.

We are broke, between the growth retardant serum and paying Clementine and Leo to play with the kid and the fact that my eyebrow-less husband has gone to work a total of 10 times in the last 6 plus years, ends just cannot meet. It took everything out of savings to let Caillou decorate the house, yet another screw up from the producers. Look at my house, it looks like the Playskool factory's paint department blew up on the entire house, for fuck's sake.

All I have to say is that kid is lucky I do not believe in child abuse. Fantasize about it, maybe. Look at the kid, if you had to live with that you would too.

He is an idiot. He has no clue about the real world, the producers make sure of that. He wants to know if parents play games? Oh yes, the kind you have never heard of... fuck the dealer, beer pong and bullshit are on the list of drinking games. Fortunately my alcohol tolerance is high and I drink all them bitches under the table. My shit for brains son would be so proud...

I just don't know what to do, I mean the fans want the show to go on. I am at my wit's end, I know this kid needs some discipline but because of the cameras all I can do is grit my teeth and giggle while I secretly hope he trips over his shoe strings or falls in the sewer and swims his way to someone else's crapper. There are just so many things wrong with our family. The mini-browed husband and I can't stand each other. The kid is out of our control. I am living in a Caillou prison. I wonder if the Jolie-Pitt's are due for another kid? I will have my people talk to their people.

Thanks for listening to my rants..And for all that is holy can someone with a computer made before 1987 please Google why my kid can't grow some damn hair?
                                           -Caillou's Mommy




13 comments:

  1. I'm not familiar with the show, but the post was funny anyway!

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  2. Very Funny. I have never seen the show but we got a book ages ago and I refuse to read it!

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    1. It is intolerable... Literally nails on chalkboard dry heeves bad

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  3. Bad news... Calliou (and who names their kid that??) has been like 4 since my kid was a baby...he is eleven now. He is perpetually 4. This post is hilarious! I favorited it.

    On other notes...I nominated you for a Liebster Award! Come on by and pick it up!!

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    1. duh...
      http://lifestooshorttoplaypossum.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/sharing-the-wealth-with-a-liebster-award/

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  4. Haha I am also awarding you yet ANOTHER badge--you are just too damn popular!! Swing by and pick up your Sisterhood award. I also thanked you there for the Versatile and mentioned you in one of my comments about being a current favorite blog of mine to read. Please leave a comment on the site to let me know you got this. be warned--it is a LOOOONG ass blog post that I have put off doing forever so I had a lot of stuff to address--just bear with me on it!

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  5. Hey there! wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a Liebster Award. Please go to my site http://badwordmama.blogspot.com/ and copy the award onto your site. While at my site, check out the newest post of all the winners I've chosen. To accept this award you must answer all the questions I've posted. Please post onto your blog and then let me know once you've done that. Also, you must nominate 11 blogs of your choosing. Congrats!!!

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  6. Lol you are too dang funny. It is interesting that I happen to just be thinking about 20 minutes ago when I heard that little kids horrible little voice on the tv and was like where is the remote. It was that cartoon...he talks like a baby and is not and that urks me so much. Seriously, why is this cartoon on air still? That cartoon really rubs me the wrong way and I thought it was just me. No suprise you are always racking up on awards...congratulations.

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  7. Lol I loath Calliou! With every child I have tried to steer them away, but it has always backfired. It is like some sick and twisted joke that someone has played on me over the years. Love this post!

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  9. I often wondered how Caillou's dad is able to stay at home all day!! LOL!!

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