My friend @JimboMidge is guest posting for me today. He is on twitter. Sorry folks, no blog. I know I am disappointed too. Maybe if we have some nice comments he will change his mind?
Being a parent is tough business. Not only do we have to ensure the survival and general well-being of our own personal Mini Me’s, but we also have to impart various life lessons onto them in an attempt to avoid a future of serial murder and hanging out in front of playgrounds.
My 3 year old son seems to figure out a pretty amazing array of things on his own (like how to buy stuff I don’t want from the Google Play Store), but I’ve compiled a list of important life lessons to give him when he’s older for other parental amusement.
Judge not lest ye be judged. Unless the other person is an asshole. : In general, it’s in your best interest to be civil. You’ll make more friends, have more opportunities, and contribute more to society. That being said, if you’re dealing with someone who is a big sack of worthless, feel free to call them out on it. Some backwards hat wearing douche giving you shit? Stare at his hat and ask him if he knows his hat’s on backwards. A woman say something ignorant to you when you’re trying to start up a conversation? Here’s a line: “Excuse me, who lied to you? I mean, who told you that you were hot enough to be this big of a bitch.”
Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. And most of the time they’re shitty.: Let me first state that I’m not alluding to personally having a shitty asshole the majority of the time, but based on the sight and smell of people that I come across in an average day I’m making the assumption that they do. Now that we’ve cleared that up… You’re going to hear a lot of opinions in your life. The subjects will be as random and varied as liver spots on an old man’s forehead. I’ve found the best way to ensure that those around you keep their opinions to themselves is by sharing yours with them first. For example, when someone asks you who you’re voting for say, “I’ll vote for anyone that’ll let me within 1000 feet of a school again.” Someone ask you what you think about the new skinny jeans trend? Simply state, “If it weren’t part of my parole agreement, I wouldn’t even be wearing these pants right now.” You’ll be free of hearing shitty opinions in no time!!
Don’t ever be the first one at a party to go to sleep: I get it. You’ve had more than your limit and you need to lie down. But I promise you, when you lose consciousness your friends will do unspeakable things to you. Best case scenario, you end up a human canvas with balls drawn on your chin in permanent marker. Worst case? The balls won’t be marker… I don’t think I need to elaborate further.
Recognize that you do, in fact, think with two heads: Men like to think that we’re logical creatures that rationalize every decision that we make. This may be true for a lot of things, but a pretty face and some perky boobs will quickly dissolve your decision making process. So when you’re about to make a grand gesture to a girl you barely know, my advice is to picture her as a naked old lady and let your reaction to that dictate your decision. Still into it? Gross, but at least you know you really like her!! Or have a grandma fetish that Dad doesn’t want to hear about. Pervert..
Pulling out is not a method of birth control: Trust me…
I’d like to thank Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others for letting me guest post on her hilarious blog, and I hope I’ve provided half as much entertainment to her readers as she does!!