Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I made a deal with the teenager

I made a deal with the devil. Well, close enough. My teen daughter. She wanted to dye the tips of her hair purple. She bought a semi-permanent dye and I told her I would think about it.

She home schools, the only one of the 5. There is a reason, and I can't seem to bring myself to share it, several months later I am so damn mad it would be a string of curse words with punctuation. She has been having a hard time in science. I get it, I teach it to her. It is boring and stupid. I feel her pain since I put together study guides and visuals to help her. Stabbing my eyes out seems like the only viable option. I get it.

She also recently had a small procedure on her toe. It was an ingrown toenail, she acts as though half her toe was sawed off. No that is not enough, chewed off my rats with a radioactive disease. She limps around and props it, unless she wants to do something and she looks like she is on hidden camera footage of a  personal injury fraud case. She is supposed to be using bandaids now but she says since it is still swollen (which is only visible to her eyes) she needs gauze. She has been milking the hell out of it.

So here is where it all comes together. I make a deal with her since we are out of gauze. "if you get an A on your science test and use a maxi-pad on your toe so I don't have to go get gauze I will dye your tips". She studied for an hour and a half. Damn it!

I don't know why I said this. I am either the dumbest mom in America, maybe the coolest? It could be me just taking the easy way out, or the fact that if she pisses me off I just get to chop them off. Possibly the fact that I have been alone with the kids for the last few days alone and I may be crossing the line into bat shit territory. I think it is that I just really don't care. She is at home all day, no one to impress so she wants to wack out her hair, big deal right?

 Ok, and the pics,
Now THIS, cracks my shit up.
Don't get all concerned it was
an unscented, maxi-pad, left over
from the last time I had a kid
4 years ago...
The process, I am shaking
my head in shame

Monday, October 29, 2012

Guest post: Are you a passive-aggressive ass?

My amazing friend Happy Little Feet is doing a guest post for me today. I am very excited. I love her blog. It is a mix of tips, recipes and funny stories. She was my first blog friend, we bonded over bad haircuts and penile cartilage questions. It has been a blast to know her ever since!

Are you a passive-aggressive ass?
Photo from: Rise to the top
As a mother or parent in general you
are often subject to many unsolicited
comments and gems of advice.
When I was first pregnant I
imagined that these comments would
eventually end once the baby was
born. You can imagine my surprise
when it just got worse after he was
born. Seven years later I still get it.
However, I have gotten used to it. I
am not saying that I enjoy the, "do
you know how you get pregnant?"
comments I get pretty much every
time I enter a grocery store but they
are definitely old hat.
What still irks me and makes me want
to punch you in the face is the
passive aggressive crap people say to
try and make you feel insecure. I am
giving them the benefit of the doubt
because I really try to remind myself
that everyone is trying their best but
people, and you know if it is
you, STOP. Nobody likes these
comments and what I am sure what you thought was a subtle slight is blazingly
obvious and offensive If you have something rude to say just say it or keep your
mouth shut.

1) It must be nice... This is used all too frequently. I will paint you a picture most
of us have experienced;
"I work out every morning."
"Must be nice, to have the time, energy etc."
What I imagine saying, "Well yes, actually it is especially nice since I get up at 5:30
to do it. Must be nice to watch back to back episodes of the biggest loser and every
other reality show they have released in the last decade."
Photo From: The Rise to the TopWhat I actually do: just smile.
This gem I get a lot. Since I am a stay at home mom and a lot of people often have the
misconception that I sit at home all day painting my nails with my feet up
watching Oprah eating bon-bons. This, as any mother knows could not be further
from the truth. First of all no one is missing out on this passive aggressive crap. When
you say this the person hears your disdain LOUD and Clear.

2) "Just you wait..." This is offered by people who are ahead of you in some way.
Be it, their child is a whopping 3 months older or they have teenagers or even are
grandparents. It always amazes me that people even say this. Do they not realize that
whatever any given individual is going through is important to them not to
mention, legitimately different from your experience? They do not need a rude
interpretation of how their life is easier than yours. They also do not need a reminder
that is is going to get so much harder. So shut it.

3) "It must be so much easier for you because ..."
This one is ridiculous. I have had people tell me that it must be easier for me because
my kids are so much further apart than theirs ... her son was 6 weeks closer than mine.
It is just so ridiculous. I suppose that it must be easier for me because I do not feel the
need to approach people and tell them how much easier it is for them. Seriously, I am
not sure how this is ever considered to be polite chit chat. My sister had a woman tell
her it must be easier for her because she has so many kids. Her friend only had one
she was apparently under the impression that the more children you have the easier it
gets. Maybe it does maybe it does not but if you think it so, keep it to yourself.

4) "That's nothing ..."
This is typically done by the one upper’s.
My son was almost crushed by a cement bird bath ..."Oh that's nothing! Once my child fell off a swing set and got such a big ..."I am not saying do not exchange stories, by all means. People love the give and take in conversation. Just the line "It’s nothing" is so incredibly dismissive and

5) You have no idea what it’s like to...
This is just plain rude. No matter how you slice it, no matter how you twist it, unless it
is followed by: "what it feels like to be hit by a bus and then eaten by rats in a sewer
because you were dragged down there by a albino 'gater...." it is basically saying you
do not give a fig about what this person just said. So, as a gentle reminder to any of you who may be saying these rude, passive-aggressive comments; think before you speak or just keep your mouth shut. One day someone will call you out on it and I will just laugh.

Every Day Is An Adventure

Saturday, October 27, 2012

My son painted his...A blue ball reality

The kid is 4. He usually uses the brain I so nicely constructed and housed for nine months. Maybe that glass of wine while waiting for that second line to appear caused some damage, I'm not quite sure.

The kid said he had to crap and was using my bathroom. He was taking a while. Being the little man he is, he likes to look at magazines while dropping the loot. I thought nothing of it. Dad came home and we were wondering why he didn't come running, like usual.

We started searching. 3 found him and said "mom you gotta see this". I knew I didn't, but no sense in delaying the inevitable. I went upstairs to find that my son had painted his penis and testicles with fingernail polish, he tried a few streaks on his ass cheeks as well. He put the term blue balls into reality, to say the least. I laughed so hard I cried, until he couldn't pee.  While I was concerned, but still laughing. I turned to twitter and google. I didn't want to put remover down his piss hole. I soaked him in the tub and tried to call the doctor. I was laughing so hard the nurse on the exchange thought it was a prank. I told her I would just figure it out on my own.

So it's off, and it is still hard to type because I can't see through the laughing tears. I cannot imagine sitting on a toilet and thinking my vag could use a little more flare. I don't understand why the hell he would paint his penis. Somewhere he lost some brain cells. He has won the shit for brains certificate for the day, and that bottle of wine is in need of some serious CPR...

Friday, October 26, 2012

The letter I would love to post on my wall

Dear people who live in my house,

I appreciate your resourcefulness, in un cleaning every room today. I see all your hard work has paid off. I know you are aware of the party ensuing in the next hour. Although the masterpiece in the sink with the toothpaste may be a sought after piece of art in a backwoods trailer park, conveniently placed by the front entrance, it is not appreciated in our humble abode.

I will take the time to inform you that we do in fact have a hose, you know the thing you used to shower off with in the summer. Remember how I said the nomadic style of living was so last year? Yes that thing, it is OK to use to hose the mud off your feet. It relieves the need to track mud across a shiny clean floor and into the guest bathroom. The same guest bathroom you felt the need to clean your feet in the sink. I know you are boys and you are more than willing to live in the woods and eat off campfires and piss in holes. You would probably be ok with crapping in a box, and leaving it for the raccoons to feast on. But, really let's get our shit together and at least pretend to be civil.

Lastly, to the child who left a brown handprint on the bathroom door. I realize this is a Halloween party, but chocolate syrup on the bathroom door is for the April fools joke. Guests won't realize the chocolate syrup spilling from under the cabinet and the handprint on the door are in fact chocolate. They will think that you aspiring yokels shit under the sink and barehanded it. Not cool, folks. Not cool.

We are all friends here, we can figure this out...As long as you listen to your mother.

FYI, I did not say this to my children, but at least I can remind them to clean up after themselves with a smile...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A guest post: Hard Earned knowledge from a Father to his Son

My friend @JimboMidge is guest posting for me today. He is on twitter. Sorry folks, no blog. I know I am disappointed too. Maybe if we have some nice comments he will change his mind?

Being a parent is tough business. Not only do we have to ensure the survival and general well-being of our own personal Mini Me’s, but we also have to impart various life lessons onto them in an attempt to avoid a future of serial murder and hanging out in front of playgrounds.
My 3 year old son seems to figure out a pretty amazing array of things on his own (like how to buy stuff I don’t want from the Google Play Store), but I’ve compiled a list of important life lessons to give him when he’s older for other parental amusement.

Judge not lest ye be judged. Unless the other person is an asshole. : In general, it’s in your best interest to be civil. You’ll make more friends, have more opportunities, and contribute more to society. That being said, if you’re dealing with someone who is a big sack of worthless, feel free to call them out on it. Some backwards hat wearing douche giving you shit? Stare at his hat and ask him if he knows his hat’s on backwards. A woman say something ignorant to you when you’re trying to start up a conversation? Here’s a line: “Excuse me, who lied to you? I mean, who told you that you were hot enough to be this big of a bitch.”

Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. And most of the time they’re shitty.: Let me first state that I’m not alluding to personally having a shitty asshole the majority of the time, but based on the sight and smell of people that I come across in an average day I’m making the assumption that they do. Now that we’ve cleared that up… You’re going to hear a lot of opinions in your life. The subjects will be as random and varied as liver spots on an old man’s forehead. I’ve found the best way to ensure that those around you keep their opinions to themselves is by sharing yours with them first. For example, when someone asks you who you’re voting for say, “I’ll vote for anyone that’ll let me within 1000 feet of a school again.” Someone ask you what you think about the new skinny jeans trend? Simply state, “If it weren’t part of my parole agreement, I wouldn’t even be wearing these pants right now.” You’ll be free of hearing shitty opinions in no time!!

Don’t ever be the first one at a party to go to sleep: I get it. You’ve had more than your limit and you need to lie down. But I promise you, when you lose consciousness your friends will do unspeakable things to you. Best case scenario, you end up a human canvas with balls drawn on your chin in permanent marker. Worst case? The balls won’t be marker… I don’t think I need to elaborate further.
Recognize that you do, in fact, think with two heads: Men like to think that we’re logical creatures that rationalize every decision that we make. This may be true for a lot of things, but a pretty face and some perky boobs will quickly dissolve your decision making process. So when you’re about to make a grand gesture to a girl you barely know, my advice is to picture her as a naked old lady and let your reaction to that dictate your decision. Still into it? Gross, but at least you know you really like her!! Or have a grandma fetish that Dad doesn’t want to hear about. Pervert..
And finally….

Pulling out is not a method of birth control: Trust me…

I’d like to thank Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others for letting me guest post on her hilarious blog, and I hope I’ve provided half as much entertainment to her readers as she does!!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

An apology...

Dear groom,

I am very sorry you were offended by my blog post. I'm not sure what to say. It is what it is and I should have waited to post, or made it half fictional for shits and giggles. Truth is, it was fun, different but fun. If you could see my twitter feed you would see how many people would have loved to be my plus one. But you have to admit, it was something special. No one has ever herd of a potluck wedding. It was just plain bazaar, although not as bad as I imagined.

You could have  left the sleeves on your shirt. The man I knew years ago was a clean shaven, nicely dressed man. I am not sure where the country came in? It was like seeing your name on a different person's body. I was an asshole and maybe I went too far, hence the apology.

I know it is not your fault the preacher is a scorned drunk who doesn't like children, you may have not been fully informed of this when you chose him. The only part of that post I truly wanted to be offensive was to him. He was acting like a mean drunk asshole. The truth is, I do like you and your wife and I hope you have a great marriage. Truly I am glad I got to come, seeing your dad fall into the bushes was one of the funniest things I have seen. The look on your wife's face when he handed her the headset, I felt bad. I wanted to hand her a drink and kick him in the shin, it was awkward. I really do like you, and this post was for entertainment only.

About the armpit/hair debacle, it happened. I get the nerves and sweat, I smelled like a damn stuffed pig on my wedding. We all do, that's why it's funny. It is relatable.

The cake smashing, admit it, come on you went to far. It was funny, and you sure as hell picked the right wife because she was laughing so hard. Most women would have junk punched you. She did not, she wore her big girl panties and pulled it off well. Truly a commendable trait.

It was nice to see a casual atmosphere and the entire wedding wasn't Harry potter themed, or Twilight- I would have just left with my dish in hand for that one :) it was a big party. And seeing how mad you are at me, I want my funeral next week to be a big party with a bonfire. Please make that happen.

I wasn't trying to offend you, you have been a friend of the family for years and you know me. You know my snark, my ability to notice thing others don't, and my ability to laugh at and make fun of things I shouldn't. I am kicking my ass for publishing to post to my personal Facebook, it was never for you to know- hence I fully attempt to stay anonymous. Because some things in life are funny through other people's eyes, especially with a snarky commentary. I watch the redneck wedding and Honey Boo Boo because I think they are hilarious, and they make shit tons of money. Just if you would have called them, you would've had a cool 10 grand in your pocket. Yours is far from the worst, and if you renew your vows, I will come to that. Obviously, the invitation will be lost in the mail, so I will be there in spirit.

Maybe it was the beer, or the 5 alcohol soaked canoli's but I was wrong. I am sorry. I hope those 7 rows from the field Ram's tickets can take your mind off of the backstabbing pain. And one day you see that I was trying to be funny and not in any way offend you, whatsoever. I am an asshole, feel free to guest post on here about how fucking ignorant I was, I am sorry.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I think I may have made an old man shit his pants...

Yesterday morning I got a call from my sister in law. She is in her last semester of High School. Apparently, something happened to her tire and she had her car towed so I had to pick her up from the shop and drop her off at school.

I am far from a morning person but I was feeling nice, so I did it. Leaving her school I was turning onto the main road. Old man Prick in the Buick was stopped at the light. I turned, he jumped the light and almost rear ended me. How was I to know the old man in the Buick wanted to make it home before his pacemaker gave out? He could have let it falter like every dumbass that wrecks in front of my house.

Old Man Prick was pissed. At the next light he pulled up beside me and started yelling obscenities. I unrolled the windows and held up my phone. I told him " I have kids in the car and their dad is a UFC Fighter, say cheese." I didn't know Buick's could drive off that fast...Clearly, the man was now in a rush to get home to clean his pants..

So for my lovely friends I leave you with this ecard once again...

I wrote the caption via someecards...

Clearly plenty of people are deserving...

Monday, October 15, 2012

Track meet or...

I had the pleasure of watching my child's district track meet. Don't get me wrong I watched the shit out of her but the other peeps were so interesting. Two were interesting enough for me to have someone make an ecard...I am putting it at the end because you folks might walk away before the big bang...

While waiting the buses were late, so I started looking around. I thought it was wildly hilarious 3/4 of the parents were dressed like they were in fact on the track team, not their child. Track shoes and all. Living vicariously through your child much?

I saw a lady with a pair of nike fit pants. Did you know they have a single pocket across the top of the ass crack portion? This lady chose to put her iphone in this pocket. It appeared she had misplaced a feminine product.

The next interesting invention was a Nike brand tennis skirt that was flat front with ruffles on the back. Now this has gone too far. I commend the lady who purchased this get up, I mean we all should reclaim our youth, but the recreation of frilly bloomers as a skirt is wildly inappropriate, and pedophilistic.

One of the best was the hobo chic parents. Mom had dreads, not fake ones, the ones that pop up out of the blue when you don't shower for a month or two, maybe 10. This lady stunk, flat out stunk- I kept my head in my coffee cup every time the wind blew, I am not joking it was like burnt hair and b.o., horrible. The husband appeared to be attempting the dread formation. But he was just at the long stringy stage with a side of male pattern balding. The clothes, I can't explain it- literally from a thrift store or maybe they go to estate sales to purchase their threads, either way it appeared they had their entire closet on the body. Just bazaar...

Quote by Sorry Kid Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others
ecard designed by DesignPress Unlimited
The best was at the end portion of the race. I wanted to see 2 run so I moved down. Apparently I stood in the overachieving parents cheer section. They were yelling and screaming. Things I must repeat, and this is where the e-card comes in...

When i started giggling they just looked at me, they didn't realize what they were saying... I just said "clearly we don't have the same sense of humor"...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Today I was given the best compliment EVER

Our heater has decided to take the day off and I have been working since roughly 7:30 this morning to get a fire going in the fireplace. I'm obviously lacking some skills there. It is chilly so I decided to go to the gas station to get hot chocolate for the kids who weren't at school. I rarely go to this one, but their coffee and hot chocolate are better so on I went.

Frankly, I looked like hell. Yesterday's make up had done it's walk of shame but at least my pajamas were decent. I did remember my undergarments at least! I walked in, got myself coffee and two hot chocolates. There were some people there and I smiled and did the whole small talk thing.

I got up to the register and the man told me that I was just gorgeous. I looked at him like he had lost his left contact and his right eye was clearly filled with cataracts. He went on to say that he and the girl working with him couldn't stop staring, as well as the other people. I looked to see if I had toilet paper or a kick me sign somewhere, I did not. So I stood there looking at him, I was fairly certain he had just stepped out from his cave in the wilderness. He said when you looked at people you really smiled, not the fake I have to smile, a light up your face smile. I just looked at him because I really did nothing out of the ordinary, people should smile and be polite.

The check out guy told me that today was the first time in 2 years of that guy in front of me, who is a regular, even made eye contact with him. Apparently this guy has little time for the people who serve him his morning cup, even pays with exact change so he doesn't have to wait around, just throws it on the counter and leaves. Today this guy said Hi and have a nice day to the worker. The worker said it was because of me.

The man went on to tell me that there was just something about me that made people smile, I was just simply gorgeous.

I am not a crier, I mean even at funerals I am the one holding everyone together. At weddings, I wonder if people really know what they are signing up for. I didn't cry at the birth of my children or at break ups. I am just not a crier. I got into my car and parked at the car wash across the parking lot and cried. I have never had such a heartfelt compliment in my life. I mean I always get the nice ass or you are hot ones, the ones that just prove they want nothing more for me than to be a cum dumpster. This one just kicked me upside the head with a leather boot.. Wow

So I have decided I am going to take it, I'm going to put that motherfucker in my back pocket and own it.

What is the best compliment you have ever received??

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Today was my bitch...and what I learned today

Yesterday I just flat out failed the whole damn day away. I screwed up everything imaginable. It happens, so I proclaimed today would be my bitch. And it was, for the most part. I mean with 5 kids of my own and an extra today, along with homeschooling one of them and the whole mom thing and wahm thing, you know shit is just going to go wrong here and there. It is just called life. Life and I have come to an amicable agreement most of the time. So I figured I would share with my amazing friends, locked behind a computer screen and thousands or hundreds of miles away, the craziness that I call normal...

                 What I learned today....

A beer cooly cup can double as knee and elbow pads in a raging game of indoor couch cushion football. I suspect many injuries were prevented today from this genius 5 year old's discovery.

If at any time you would like to take your siblings money, rub it on your balls and it is all yours. Wonder if that works on the hubs.... yeah probably not.

A chair in fact crumbles under beauty. I am so glad I am not the only one who has sat on a chair and busted the hell out of it. My 14 year old did it too, I cannot explain how relieved I am, really...

I was on my blog ALL DAY LONG. Crazy because I haven't sat down until just now and my phone has been dead all day... Did you folks get my ESP comments? Didn't think so.

Sending three boys downstairs to clean out the batting cage turns into a game of soft-hockey ( a game using a softball and a hockey stick) and results in a shattered light bulb, of course the kind that you have to evacuate the house and wrap your broom and dustpan in plastic wrap as not to contaminate them...

My 5 year old can make a cheese quesadilla by himself. His patience is about as existent as mine and there was no way in hell he could wait the 3 minutes it took for me to finish giving a test. I find this funny since the 14 year old cannot figure out how to make a cup of easy mac alone.

Riding a bike into oncoming traffic while popping a wheelie and smoking a cigarette and flicking off the passerby's is completely possible...If this was an adult I would feel so sorry for him, but if he was a kid I think his mom would appreciate someone stepping up and beating his ass. Too bad I was more engulfed in wondering how much hair he had singed off in his endeavors...

Last but not least, the one that just had my WTF look was this:
If you are too lazy to turn the handle on the doorknob to get into the house it is perfectly acceptable to get a chair put it up to the window and kick in the screen. Although the chair may fall and you are dangling out the window, he made it his bitch...

So you see, today was almost my bitch...I got so much done, my house isn't a wreck. I cooked dinner, I didn't loose my cool (although I came close) I was a good friend.
Today turned out ok, maybe, hopefully an upward trend...

Monday, October 8, 2012

Today I failed...but

Today I failed...
 I failed as a driver, I now have a huge ass gash/dent/scratch on the side of my car to prove it. My vehicle was alone, it was done in my garage via a bike handlebar. At least I hung that fucking bike up the other day...

I failed as a trash taker outer, my shoes now have a permanent rememberance of this day...

I failed as a parent. I laughed at stuff I shouldn't have. I allowed a masterpiece to come about onto the couch, I walked away from a food fight because I just didn't want to see it. I knew there was a possible blood inducing fight going on upstairs and I did nothing. When a kid was bit to blood I just handed over an ice pack and walked away ( probably because he deserved it). But I did nothing. Needless to say after the ONE fight for today it was over, no more- I was shocked. There are usually numerous.  Maybe I need to be too busy more often? But I did not loose my cool. I had 7 kids today and didn't sweat, may have retreated to the park before I lost my shit but I kept it together...

I failed as a babysitter, the constant tears from the newborn baby told me so. And that piss stain on my jeans, couch and rug was just an extra fuck you.

I failed at being a housekeeper, if I felt like uploading pictures you would see it. And words cannot describe what I see. I am a neat freak at heart and this shit is killing me..

I failed as a health nut because I don't remember ingesting anything besides diet coke and a beer. I think I may have eaten half a piece of bread until the kid caught me in the pantry and I handed over the rest. But today was just a blur of ridiculousness and I am fairly certain the 83 times I ran up and down the stairs Jillian Michaels would laugh at me and my oversized ass and inform me that it is not a workout..Ha, if you thought for a minute I was a health nut, let me know, I will raise a drink and laugh at your ass!

I failed as a writer because I had a kickass post today and couldn't find time to press a few buttons..or answer my "non existent" emails. Of course the troll's emails came through, but that will be another day, a fun drunk day...

I failed as a wife...uhmmm no I kicked ass at being a wife because I took care of everything so his bitchass could play softball...

I failed as a friend because I let my phone die, Google was being such a fucking tool telling me I had 40 then 600 emails but then wouldn't load them- I just didn't give a shit, when my friend needed someone to bitch to..

I failed as an adult beverage drinker because I chose a natty light that someone left from a party over wine. Well, it was skinny girl wine and that stuff tastes like toilet water so maybe that was not a fail at all. And natty light is so bad only one can be consumed, tops- I have been milking this bitch for two hours- I deserve a medal...

I failed at being myself because when I saw the bitch from school and I was nice to her and then I told her I wouldn't spill the beans on her secret as long as we didn't have to do the whole pretend friend bullshit, when I already did to you. I guess I didn't attach a photo or a name to the post, which I almost did. But I can't sink that low folks, even though it is so hard not to...

Now I hear some kid pissing on my couch and yes I am just going to take his pants off and wrap a towel around him because I am just too damn tired to throw his sleeping ass in the tub...

I did cook, piss, do laundry, and load kids in the car one handed. That my friends tells me that ....

Today I may have failed but ...tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be my bitch...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

If my life was a movie...

I am in a secret subject blog swap. This is what my subject is. I have put it off for two weeks, great job I know. I thought I would do better under pressure, yep total fail. I am at a loss on this one, it is easy for me to write about my experiences and thoughts, but someone else's it is hard. So I am going to give it my best...

If my life was a movie it would be called Home Alone: Lost in Kid City, mainly because I am always outnumbered. But it would be a mix with Cheaper by the Dozen because at any given moment there are a shit ton of kids trucking through this place. Soaking meat in underwear doesn't sound too far fetched either. Neither does scaling from a rooftop in the NYC. So I will just give you just a round about real life happenings and clump them in a day.

Morning happens all 5 are up they inevitably are having a food fight of some sorts, usually ending in some form of juice being spit into one's eyes. Which turns into someone getting pissed and picking up a couch cushion which causes the kid to run into another one carrying a jug of unopened milk, fork in hand and stabs the jug of milk. Milk is everywhere, and of course it was left in the garage fridge and clumps come out and stinks the place up. Kids start chucking and I start cussing...

I get half the kids ready to send off to school, waiting at the door I hand them a stick of gum and remind them to scrub the plaque off at least the front of their teeth. Grab a piece of laundry from the laundry room, more than likely dirty and tell a kid to wet it. Kid comes back with a wet shirt smelling like piss, we don't have time to check. Get them sent off in their mismatching clothes and ridiculous bedhead and get to work on the mess the heathens always make. I go into the bathroom and figure out that the dirty shirt was dipped into a toilet full of urine the drips from the toilet to the front door tell me this in fact was the case. I go to clean the toilet only to find it is stopped up, go search out the toilet snake only to find the tools have been strayed about. Clean up the mess and find the snake. From the toilet I find a Barbie head, 3 matchbox cars and a fork, eh minor compared to the tennis ball I can't get out of the upstairs toilet. While I am in there I clean the bathroom and wash my hand only to find while grabbing the towel to see that it has been used in place of toilet paper.All I can think is, Great more laundry, and I wonder who didn't realize there was shit on this and still used it? Add Lysol to the list...

Kids want to do art, I am ok with it. I tell them to go ahead and start on some laundry. I come back to find they have used the walls in place of paper. And that paper was glued to the cabinets. Lovely. Now onto cleaning this mess when someone finds a bag of candy leftover from Halloween. I find sucker sticks glued to the carpet and someone has wrapped their slightly chewed gum around their head. I have to cut circles around said kid's hair and after I am done I send them to their room. I try to clean the massacre they made out of the family room and see all the mashed up shit under the couches they so nicely flipped over to make a fort out of glue and paper and couches.

I hear Hey mom look at this, and I run, FAST. I know this is more than likely something I do not want to see. Nope sure isn't. I find a kid hanging from the top bunk with a piece of twine attached to his belt loop with a key chain hook. When I ask what in the Hell possessed them, they said it worked on the baby. Well then carry on. No, not really I get the kid down and burn that fng piece of twine. I check the time it is 10:00, I am counting down the hours until it is socially acceptable for a drink.

Then comes lunchtime, they eat, spill more shit and squirt ketchup on each other, I am not surprised isn't this normal? More shenanigans appear out of nowhere, I go to read my library book and I find every other page is cut out. Awesome now I am paying $15.99 for a book I would have never bought. Remember the tool excersion? Yeah that just bit me in the ass I hear a kid yelling it appears someone has nailed his pants to the wall, with him in them. I get him down and hear another kid. Yep locked himself in the bathroom via a booby trap made from sticky drywall tape. Still counting down to drink time as I climb through the bathroom window and rescue the child from his own booby trap. He believes that theives stop for a potty break.

We decide to go to the park where a kid gets stuck in a drainage pipe, and an annoying mom is trying to have a conversation with me while I am trying to pull my kid to freedom. Park is done, I am done and it is 2:45. Big kids are almost home and I haven't gone to the store.

I take all the kids to the store and one wanders off for 3 seconds while I turn the corner to the next aisle, he flips his lid and screams "What are you trying to do, get me snatched?" Fortunately we are close to the office supplies and I open up a Sharpie and write my phone number on his stomach and tell him he will be fine. Leaving the sharpie for the next kid who thinks they are snatch-able. While in the store my kid feels the need to ask a woman in workout gear AKA Biggest Looser weigh in attire why her fatty hanging out her wimmersuit? We just leave, quickly and appears we are ordering pizza tonight. In the parking lot a kid runs out in front of a car. I have the sense to throw him into the cart rack but not enough to move myself. Yep run over my left foot. I hobble to the car with tire treads bruised onto the top of my foot.

It is now 5 pm we have the TV on, a radio blaring in the same room, a phone with a loud ass game and someone practicing their violin. This causes a major screaming fight because no body can hear themselves think let alone hear the device they have chosen. I am now locked in the closet with a watch. I know I have 3 minutes until all Hell breaks loose. 30 seconds in DAMN IT, they are fighting with water nice. Well one of the kids runs and slips on water face plants into a wall and bloodies a nose.

So we  have a fire and pizza, I find a kid under the trampoline lighting matches, turns into a major chase around the house with all the kids involved, I am done. Just done. Tired exhausted and everything in between. I change the clocks by an hour, hoping nobody notices.

It is bedtime, this is my time. The hubs comes home and wants a little, I ask if he has gotten his balls chopped off yet? Nope. Sorry closed for business. I sit back and think about the day and laugh, until tears are running down my face and then I grab a beer and decide a beer in the bathtub, is the only way to end this day... While in the tub the Prize Patrol comes, I miss it, that is ok. I don't need a million dollars, or a housekeeper (maybe) or a nanny.  Because even if everyday was this crazy I wouldn't change a thing about it.

Players of this game:
My Brain on kids         Baking in a Tornado   Happy Little Feet   Stacy Sews and Schools
Life on Peanut Layne    Dinosaur Super Hero Mommy    Follow Me Home  Big A little a

And Fyi I am not telling who submitted mine, I am just that good at keeping secrets...mwahahahaha...Ok sometime in the comments :)

Monday, October 1, 2012

My first secret admirer...

My first secret admirer...sort of. I am in a Fall Fun Swap with some other amazeball bloggers. So they send you something secretly and you figure out who sent it to you... So I received this
                                                                                                hand sanitizers, candles, and lotions
I was trying to figure out how to blog about this, until my life took over...
It started with this....

That is 5 rubbing my feet

                                     Went to this....
Yes, 2 took it upon herself to pluck my leg hair...
I know I am such a lucky mom...
Which inevitably turned to this
Which this stuff tasted like shit.
A rotten grape found in my stench ass
car and soaked in denatured alcohol

                                     So this turned
                                     into my future...

Which then I couldn't swallow and caused me to spit rank assed        wine out my nose. We all know nose spewed wine is
unsanitary so then the hand sanitizer came in handy..

All in all this was a wonderful gift, and it was enjoyed thank you!!! Here are the links of the women I can choose from... Who wants to go blog stalking tonight say around 9-ish, I will have a beer in hand and we can tweet our thoughts :)

Here are the contenders...
Pocketful of Joules    My Brain on Kids     B(itch)log   Diapers...Or Wine   Words for Worms
Chewylicious   Life's too Short to Play Possum    Quirky Chrissy

Do you ever think you can piss in peace...

Do you ever think you can piss in peace after the kids get bigger? Do you think an infant climbing onto your lap while attempting to use the facilities is the worst thing in the world? You are dead ass wrong.

I was peeing 1(14) and 2 (10) came in to join me, I guess they believe it's an open invitation. They were sitting on the sink chatting, 1 had her phone out. Just as I stood up to pull up my pants she snapped a picture. The exact kind of picture you do not want on a phone just two screen taps from Facebook publication, if one chose to do so.

They are laughing hysterically. So I go see what they hell could possibly make them laugh so hard... You guessed it the lady had made her photo debut.

1: I was just trying to take a picture of you on the toilet.

Me: what the hell would you do that for? Seriously...

2: You've been exposed

1: I was just trying to get a picture of your Dunlap..

Me: ladies, let's leave my FUPA out of it

Laughing so loud they can't stand up straight...

Me: I assumed I would never have to explain taking a picture of someone on the toilet, or exiting the toilet isn't something you should do... I figured it was COMMON KNOWLEDGE...

Still laughing So hard they are on the ground...

Me: ok Having a picture of your moms parts is highly frowned upon in most cultures, delete that shit NOW

SO NO, you never EVER get to use the toilet alone- even when your kids are teenagers. And what happened tonight just proves that having that toddler climb on your lap while you are just trying to crap is a fucking vacation compared the the events that just unfolded..

And FYI I do not actually have FUPA