Facebook fascinates me. It can be used in so many ways. Some people go to catch up with old friends. Some, uhem me, go to see how shitty the people who were complete assholes to you turned out to be. I was pleasantly surprised but realized a few things.
I have noticed that you can pretty easily clump these pieces of shit into one of a few categories that are as follows:
The jocks who turn out to be balding fat asses, who peaked at 18 that spends most of his time attempting a hook up with a former high school friend, and sends you private messages or looks up your number and sends a random text telling you how hot you are. Hell yes I am! Look at your fat ass. Back then I wasn't stupid enough to fall for your game and by the looks of you, and that you in fact you have several children you only see bi-monthly others have realized your bullshit front and center. On top of that your baby mama(s) are of the large variety, that is hella McDonald's to pay for. Move along broke baldy...
The the overly sexual males. You are half naked in every pic, and probably used an internet to burn or press that six pack into your oversided abdomen. Could even be Photoshop? Your contribution to the internet are words such as "Damn, girl you look sexy", I can easily muster up the gag reflex from my last pregnancy 3 years ago. And who has never used social media to get a little? Really, he has, but it has been self performed. Not to mention the closest thing he has come to a real six pack is a little package of Pabst blue ribbon, that is all he can afford after paying all his baby mama's. All of them seem to have at least one.
I see the holy rollers who post every damn picture that include anything God related. I thank you for the prayers, but I would pray for yourself. You have no life, I commend you for trying, may God be with you. Jesus surely wants to to condemn everyone on your page to Hell, I am sure of it since every thing I post you post a link that you think is a religious site, but takes me to Korean porn... Your daily dose of Jesus just saved me..
My favorite are the ones who were the back stabbing bitches. They loved you to your face, hated you to everyone else, and took your boyfriend behind the bleachers at the first opportunity. It is so nice to see you have traveled around the world, since every kid is a different nationality. I give you props for showing the world you don't discriminate in baby daddy's. But let's not act like we are BFF's and tag me in every fucking picture you can pull off pinterest, we will never be like that EVER. Nice try, broke ass Angelia Jolie.
There are the "like" whores. They like everything, your kid had surgery "liked", broken arm "liked". My kid became a god damn pirate and lost his tooth at 3 and this bitch "liked" it. I am glad my taxes pay for you to be on the internet 24/7. Although I like my shit to be liked, yours will never count. Your likes have been around too many times, I don't want to catch anything.
Let's talk about the people who like nothing. We know it is to keep up their internet persona. God forbid you have a personality, the lack of pictures with friends is a dead giveaway of how lame you actually are. We can see you on Facebook, Zuckerberg has made transparency very easy. Honestly, I would be your friend but I couldn't take it, I would stab myself with the closest semi-sharp object just to have an excuse to leave via ambulance.
I do have to say I do love the former "hot" girls who have found their true love... food. The ones who would eat only a measly carrot for lunch and now eat the entire Taco Bell, wrappers and all. We cannot forget them, they make us feel good about ourselves. They allow us to have a drink or an entire cheesecake, it takes much more to look worse than they do.
An honorable mention goes to the classy people who have their electric shut off, no water,etc but are at the bar or some expensive event every fucking day. Sometimes I wish I could be that poor to do all the cool shit. I guess a plus is when you pick that douche up at the bar and take him home he can't see what he has gotten himself into. And why in the hell would you even let everyone know you have no water from lack of payment? Regular peeps keep that shit locked up tight and go to the rest stop to shower.
Your everyday friends are fun until they post drunk pictures of you, especially ones of you rubbing an angry pimp's cane or trying to get luck off of a statues bald head in a church. I am not going to lie I have had to untag myself from some. There are no need for witnesses.
There are the daily tragedy cases, everyday is something new. They want everyone to know the world has shit on them once again. It could be their sister's brothers cousin twice removed's ex college roommate that this happened to, but it is just killing her by the minute and she wonders why the world could be so cruel to her, yet again. Because you breed drama. Quit reading the fucking news and trying to find the 7 degrees of Facbook, to associate yourself to every tragedy. We all know you are not ever going to be cool enough to know everyone. I bet when my kid broke his arm and you happened to see the resemblance of a cast in a picture you posted about him and blocked it from me. Shady emotional hypochondriac.
We cannot leave out the one's who post horrible shit about their "friends". I kind of like them. I know who's page to go to when I am having a drink. The comments and the facebook fights make me laugh my ass off. I won't partake but I will sit back and watch the show.
The photo bombers are always good. They post pics of kids, possibly theirs but will never know as you do not list them or talk about them and you probably didn't even name them. Well, maybe flash and click. I'm sure the majority of the Facebook world think you are the crappiest professional photographer known to man.
There are also the people who have extravagant vacations every couple of months, post pictures of themselves and possibly their Grandpa(?) standing next to matching Mercedes. Of course you can see the extravagant stone work that they got a great deal on, only a thousand dollars per diamond encrusted stone.
So you comment, awww that is so nice your Grandpa bought matching cars for you guys! Then you realize you haven't seen any new fantastic vacations or shiny cars in a while. You wonder if Grandpa got caught in a ponzy scheme and think about seeing if you can buy some of those fancy ass clothes and jewelry at deeply discounted prices, to at least pay for their mobile home pad rent. Clearly, you don't need fancy shit in a trailer. Only to realize you were blocked. Damn. I guess that was her sugar daddy not her Gramps. Now stop buying shit and feed the homeless.
I do however love the people who were "dorks" in high school. These are the people I want to hang out with. They say fuck on Facebook and love the gay folk as much I do. They post equality shit all over and you almost want to bring their friends and your friends together because you know that would turn out to be that one badass party you talk about for years. They, my friends, are the only ones you wish to see at Wal-mart in your pajamas, because they share your awesomeness and don't give a shit and come over with a case of beer ready for some fun, and they leave their kids with a sitter. They deserve Facebook Sainthood...
Thank you my facebook friend to inspire this post!
And Just Keepin It Real, Folks for the comment about the rich folks, look down below and click on her. She is always a good time.