Sunday, September 16, 2012

Kid party turns me into the biggest asshole in America...

I will probably loose a few friends over this, but at this point I could give a shit less. I just had one of the worst 4 hours in my existence. This is 4 hours of my life that I will never recover from. A kid party.

To start off this party was for my kid's friends little brother. It is a long story of the parent and my friendship. Since I don't air my dirty laundry onto the internets, I will not share. But it is a doozy.

The party was at the recently deceased great grandmother's house. It was disgusting. I mean like a Goodwill that has been shut down for the last 10 years and still has shit everywhere. It was just bazaar, and circa 1940-ish- being nice. It smelled like death covered in dust.

It was a family party. the family was like a bag of derelicts. I shit you not the cousins would make the "Ermegehrd" girl feel sorry for them.  The kids were brats, and I was scared to even go into the house to retreat from the cross-eyed overbite cousins.

I had to pee. I went into the bathroom and the toilet was a lovely shade of lilac. Yes, the toilet was lilac stained with old folk urine. I couldn't take it. There is no way my ass was going near that. I had two options. 1: Piss my pants and act like I spilled a drink on myself. I had perfume in my purse to cover the smell of urinated pants, so that my friends seemed like a viable option. Or 2: Drop trow in the front yard of a house on a busy street. I figured even if I had to wait to get to a jail cell at least the facilities are probably cleaner.

I went with option 3. I put my shirt over my face and went in. As I was hovering I looked down. In the trashcan was an adult diaper. Tears filled my eye wells and I leaned over into the sink and puked. I could not fucking believe there was an adult diaper in the trashcan. I just couldn't believe this shit, who the hell allows this? Some derelict motherfucker, that is who.

It wasn't bad enough to deal with the dead grandma house, the derelict children running amuck but an adult diaper. I am scarred. I can't take it. I wanted to take back my present and leave but my car was blocked. I was trying to plan an escape route to drive through the yards and get to a road.

I knew nobody. I am a very social person, I can make friends with most people. You have to be pretty god damned bad for me to snub you. I didn't talk to one of them. I don't know if they bussed these folks in from the worst trailer park in the continental U.S. but, I could not bring myself to stand next to them let alone socialize.

This was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I am not going to lie. I am THE biggest asshole in America. I stole beer from a dead woman's fridge.


  1. Bahahaha! It was the least the could do for you! You should have grabbed some doilies and moth balls on the way out too!

  2. I LOVE IT!!! It was the only way to salvage it. You are an American Mommy Hero.

  3. The last sentence was worth the read-now I am peeing in my pants! Yep you are anasshole but I am there with ya too!

  4. Well then i'm an asshole too! Love the part about stealing beer from a dead woman's fridge! OMG! So funny!

  5. "I stole beer from a dead woman's fridge". HAH!

  6. If they had just offered you an adult diaper when you got there so grotesqueness (yes, I know that's not a word) could have been avoided. But then you wouldn't have had such a kick-ass ending to your story!

  7. Ha! You make me feel less bad about stealing a dead woman's beer... I love my peeps!

  8. I take it the diaper belonged to the dead Great-Grandmother? Creepy. I'm so glad you made it out. And four hours!? My God. Get this woman something very stiff to drink!

  9. ugh!!! Eeks!! Why would they have a party in that house in the first place??!?!! And, could they not even clean the bathroom before they threw a party!! I'm almost throwing up here and I would have grabbed any drink to get rid of that horrible taste in my mouth, so what's a dead woman's beer after all?!??

  10. OMG! just, OMG.
    (Also? I need to use the word 'derelicts' more often, I love it!)

  11. Holy crap. This is my first visit to your blog, and I am dying! I have soooo many questions!
    1) What color are LILACs where YOU Live?
    2) What could cause a person's urine to turn purple?
    3) Was it the dead grandmother's diaper?
    4) What kind of beer was it?
    5) What else was in the fridge?
    I would have called a cab and returned later for my car...

  12. The toilet was a lilac/lavender color with like a wired yellow/orange/brown stains on the seat and in the bowl...
    It possibly could have been the grandmas diaper, but my daughter pointed out there were other old people there
    A plain Budweiser... Grandma obviously lacked taste
    Some canned items and a gallon of old milk...
    Thanks for stopping by

  13. Sounds like you were lucky to get out alive!!!! At least you got beer so it wasn't a total waste.

  14. I was lucky to get out alive!
    I love the word derelict too, I feel it should be used more frequently...

    I love my peeps, I read all kinds of blogs and by far my folks have the best comments...thanks!

  15. My best guess would say that you left before the sun went down and the banjos came out. This sounds like the making of an awful horror movie!

    This is also my first visit to your site, and I have no choice, but to subscribe.

  16. Only one? I would have taken the whole six pack--stuff the rest down your shirt, pants, and then run like hell outta there!!

  17. It's Tursday. I'm still laughing my fucking ass off from this. I was just in the grocery store and saw a couple that were definitely at your party, cross eyes and over bites. I had to turn right around and run to the next aisle do they didn't see my laughing. Truth be told I was laughing 80% at this post and 20% at them. I live in the dirty trailer park loving south. Inbreds and water heads line the streets two counties over. My friend WE are the biggest assholes in America. I would have drank that dead woman's beer too. Possibly all of it.