Wednesday, September 5, 2012

4's attempt to cook..

4 is the most stubborn insane ridiculous . Well, he is 4. The kid is 5 and thinks he can do everything on his own. Including making lunch. Peanut Butter was not good enough for this child today.

I heard the stove turn on. My first reaction, Oh Hell. My kitchen is not clean, there is no way in hell I am calling the fire department until this whole bitch is in flames and there is no residue of dirty dishes. So I ran in to see what he was doing. Making tomato soup. He put the can in and started cooking, at least this time he opened it.

I told him he can't stir with a fork in that pot. He poured it in a skillet. No! Look its pouring everywhere and he is still scratching the hell out of the dish. I went to help and he told me he had this under control and I would just burn it anyway. Thanks for the vote of confidence kid. If you can pull this off your ass is forever on dinner duty. After 3 attempts he got the right combo of pot and stirrer. I told him to add some milk. A burned on mess of half cooked milk on my stove and several dump outs he had the correct amount with about half the can of soup still in the pot. I thought we were done.

He wanted grilled cheese too. Come on! Really? I stood here for 20 minutes. You have already screwed my kitchen and used half the pots and pans. Seriously move along kid and eat your milky tomato paste without a damn sandwich.

He got out yet another skillet and put probably half of a stick of butter in the bottom and put the bread on and added the cheese. He forgot the top bread and burned the cheese to the skillet. I thank him for the stench in the upcoming weeks. That sandwich was done and not repairable. He did it again. This time he forgot to take the cheese out of the plastic. An even better smell. The next time he moved the skillet barely off the burner and dropped the cheese, still in the plastic, on the fire. Needless to say the kid did not get a sandwich. He used up all the bread on his failed attempts in the kitchen.

Although we did not have to call the fire department my house smells like someone cooked a barbie in the oven. The kid didn't eat. And we are now out of cheese, butter, milk, and bread. My stove- I can't even talk about it, it is far too painful.  Imagine tomato soup spilled and burned on and plastic with melty cheese down under the burners. Without a doubt this kid has probably burned the smell of melting plastic into the drywall, it will never go away.

I really try to let kids do shit on their own. I want them to make mistakes with me right there. Most of the time kids give up and hand it over to me. Not this little shit. He has caught my microwave on fire more times than I want to admit to. He has flooded the kitchen attempting to do dishes. The kid has clogged the toilet with an entire container of Clorox Wipes thinking one wipe was needed for every little spot. He tests my nerves daily and makes me rethink this whole teaching kids to be adults thing hourly...


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  2. It sound like you are writing about my kids! Funny post!

  3. Oh God, this is how it starts--first the little cooking episodes, and then the homemade SCIENCE experiments. You're going to have to learn how to stop, drop and roll! And I will REALLY look forward to reading those posts!!! Lol!

  4. I have a feeling there will be many next times....he won't give up, that one!!

  5. Cheer up! He may grow up to be a chef!

  6. Let's make sure my Loki and your kid never have their paths intersect. The world will go kaboom.

  7. I would have shut down his whole operation waaaaaay sooner than you did.

    And I probably would have ate his grilled cheese on him as soon as he was done making it.

    And then I would have been all "FOR ALL THE TIMES I'VE MADE YOU LUNCH... THIS IS PAYBACK, BITCH."

  8. That may or may not have been what was going on in my mind!

  9. I guess you can't say he doesn't! I think it's good that you let him try to do things for himself. It can be a real headache at times I am sure. My daughter is very independent too (that's a nice way of saying she's a little bossy and stubborn).