Friday, August 10, 2012

What Mom's say Vs. what they think

I have decided to write a post about what a mom thinks compared to what they say. I know I am not the only one who has these deep down thoughts. Feel free to add your own.
Bold is what I say italics is what I really think...

I can't understand you when you talk that way...  
Shut up Shut up Shut up, I want to stab out my own eardrums with the nearest semi-pointed object I find. This whining makes me want to drink HEAVILY...

Watch your attitude...                                             
I would personally like to watch you bleach it away like every damn baseboard in this house. It smells like shit on fire.

Are you having a bad day?...
Could you please just start your period already? Then I can time these bitchy moods out. As of yet we have no schedule, this doesn't work for me.

You want gum? Do you promise to put it straight into the trashcan and not let it get on anything?
Gum? Are you fucking kidding me? The last time I had to peanut butter your shit stained underewear to get that crap out. I'm not even going to ask why you felt an acceptable place for gum is in one's underwear, but I'm sure some things I just don't want to know...

Close the door honey...
How many times have I told you just today? Would you like to live with ants, roaches, mice, flies, squirrels? I will pitch you a goddamned tent in the backyard...

Oh that's a nice picture. I totally see why Curious George is pink. It's a no brainer...
Just wondering, does this 14 hour long explanation of why Georgie is pink come with a six pack?

We will find your paper honey...
Hell no we will never find your little piece of ripped up paper. Your sibling took it to be an asshole, but he's a fucking genius. I will never find it. I could turn this whole house upside down and I will never find it. It is a ripped piece of paper. I have a whole notebook here let me make an exact replica. Oh that's not good enough my little ink dot is 3/4 of a millimeter off. Damn, i tried...

Sorry honey my hands are full...
You want me to carry that? Do you see me carrying an infant in one hand and a toddler in the other. My purse is shoved in this fugly diaper bag/backpack combo and my phone is ringing off the hook. The only free hand that I do have is holding my shoes. Yes it is 15  degrees below zero and all you little shits are bundled up nice and warm and I forgot to put my damn shoes before I bundled you all up.  I am on the verge of heat stroke and heart attack lugging all this shit out to the car and you want me to carry your doll? You have nothing in your hands NOTHING...

I'm sorry your toy broke, I didn't mean to step on it...
It is a McDonal'd toy, a  6 cent piece of shit.  If you loved that crap pile toy so much then you would've picked it up and there wouldn't be an effing toy indention in the bottom of my foot...

We have a toilet, how about using it?
We have 4  toilets in this house and yet you choose to piss in a hole in the backyard, off the front porch, in a box in the garage or in a random cup.  I have heard people at QuickTrip talking about the 3 boys that piss in their front yard that is YOU...Use your brain and the waste management company we pay for every month and use the effing toilet...

I know you want an Ipad, but it's not in the budget ....
How about we not eat for a month just to buy a mini computer that your siblings will undoubtedly hide, use and shatter. Not to mention that every pedophile in America will have access to you and that thing that you call Facebook , but to me looks like middleschool soft porn... Yeah I'm game... Moron

I know it's hard to tell if its a fart or poop but why don't you just fart on the toilet...
Really, you shit your pants again? How the hell did you not feel that coming? People around the world fart all the time and don't crap their pants. You just left me the nastiest  sharty mess I have ever seen. Go into your room until I'm finished puking my guts up. Better yet clean your own shit and these 7 piles of laundry along with it, as I see it now I'm not sure of what I will find.

These are just a few ramblings that go on within my mind. Enjoy or not.

8 comments:

  1. Hehehehehe! Get out of my HEAD, woman!! LMFAO!!

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  2. We would all be locked up if the stuff in our heads came out of our mouths. Funny stuff because it's true. Ellen

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    1. What is your URL? So I can follow you? Apparently you just can't type in a name:)

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  3. The best is the crappy 2 cent McDonald's toy now outlined on the bottom of your foot and the ipad. I feel the exact same way.

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  4. Oh my god. This was way to funny. It is like you read my mind. Maybe you are a telepathic definitely a comedian.

    Happy Little Feet

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  5. "Are you having a bad day?...
    Could you please just start your period already? Then I can time these bitchy moods out. As of yet we have no schedule, this doesn't work for me."

    This is EXACTLY what I'm going through with my 9-yr old. It's driving me batshit crazy.

    LOVE your blog!

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  6. The sharty mess! Ive got 3 boys n it is or has been a problem with all 3... Oh, really? You mean to tell me I get to dedicate a whole fu#king load to your nasty shitty drawls?!? AGAIN? Oh, yay me! ;) smh

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