The worst thing about back to school besides the early mornings, homework and all that stupid paperwork is the "about me" assignment that every teacher gives to the parent. Every year it has been easy. Until today. Four is entering kindergarten. Here is how my letter SHOULD go. But just for the fact that I can use my honed acting skills by appearing completely surprised when that first conference or call home comes. I'm gonna lie my backside off. Bwahaha.
My kid is something special.
His scissor skills are amazing. He gives one fantastic haircut and he frequently trims a little here and there off his and others clothing. To prevent any problems with other parents I graciously ask that he not be sat by any girl with pig tails or the rich kid, I can't afford to replace those kind of clothes.
My kid is clever. He can turn any random thing into what he needs at the time. I should also warn you not to keep any open cups in the classroom. My kid will inevitably drop trow and use said cup as his personal urinal.
He has a wide vocabulary. It's split into thirds. Real words. Real words mangled together to make larger words with meanings not even resembling the smaller words. Bad words. Although when asked if he was going to use such language at school he said he was going to try really hard not to.
He is quite athletic. He likes to run. You may want to put a bell on the door. The kid has told me "if those teachers make me mad I'm just going to run home". Every word this child says is a promise. We don't take promises lightly around here.
My kid is a miniature chef. You may not want to keep any snacks in the classroom, especially peanut butter. The child on many occasions has lathered his face in peanut butter. I am unclear of the reasoning behind this, as I'm genuinely fearing the answer.
He is an artist. He likes to spruce things up. Especially new things or things of value or even things of unvalue. Take my couch, he helped spruce that up with permanent paint. He's like a dog, he has to mark his territory, paints and permanent markers should be under lock and key.
He has mad computer skills. I hope you have one heck of a firewall. If not you may be carried away in cuffs. He likes to read about guns- not frilly ones, big ones. I hope google isn't part of kindergarten curriculum, for your protection.
He has amazing negotiation skills. The closing arguments will more than likely cause you to have a drinking problem. I'm sorry in advance, if you don't hate me after the first day maybe we could have a drink together.
My child has a very protective side to him. Last week when his little brother was being picked on at the playground it showed. He took ten year olds and pushed them off the equipment. Not to mention he has mentioned to my daughters boyfriend that his dad "has a shot gun for your a**", and the time when a boy was picking on his older sister and he peed on the boy. See, he has a deep concern for others.
My child is on track to win a gold medal. Well sort of. You know those yellow cards you give out? I'm thinking by the end of the year I could stack those babies up and carve a little trophy. I bought a stock pile of modge podge to preserve it.
By now you have the idea that my kid really is something special and not the kind you smile about. The kind are talking about while simultaneously asking the bartender for your 12th beer and begging your liver not to fail.
Thank you and Godspeed.