Saturday, August 18, 2012

Newsflash...Your kid may be unlike-able.

*Gasp* Did she JUST say that? Hehehe, Yes I did. Here is how to tell...

If your kid will go up to an adult and invite themselves for a sleepover chances are they are unlike-able. Your child has no respect for authority. Chances are if your kid was not invited my kid doesn't like your kid or I don't. Honestly, the only sleepover parents are excited for is the first one... and then they learn their lesson. I can't stand kids coming to me and asking me if my kid can go somewhere or they can spend the night at my house. It's rude. If the parent won't come up and ask themselves chances are they already know the answer. On top of that I don't like the parent now, ask the lady on my kids baseball team, if I don't like you- you know!
* This does not count for family members or close family friends*
-FYI I hate sleepovers anyway, if the kid comes to your house you have to deal with the evil litte spawn, if your kid goes there he thinks he's "the man" and acts accordingly and annoyingly.

If you don't want to hang out with your own child chances are nobody else wants to either. I'm not saying keep the kid on the boob til they are 15 and never leave their side.( And if you do I don't judge)  I am saying if you are constantly looking for someone else to deal with your kid's bs or you can't take any part of your day with your kid sober, more than likely they are unlike-able.

If your child asks you to go somewhere unplanned and you say " I really need to do this, this, and this...but...welllll ok". If your kid has never heard the word no I don't want them around. We don't do surprise trips to the ice cream shop or go to the park just because one person rules the show. If I tell a kid no, I expect tears or maybe them to be upset, and mine KNOW not to ask a second time. I do not expect their friend to come up to me and say please please please puuuuuuleeeeeasssssse. If your kid does this its an automatic red card. His ass is out- and by this  I mean out on my front porch waiting for you to come pick him up. I know hearing no will undoubtedly send a lighting bolt through the sky and strike that kid that was just told no right in the butt ... I'm not certain he doesn't need a little something...This kid is severely unlike-able.

If your child says but... and makes an excuse for something stupid they did. I cannot stand excuses. If you screwed up just say sorry and try to fix it. It is not a big deal. I don't care if you were trying to trip the class asshole and got my kid instead. Just say sorry. It is just one word and I know you are afraid that if you continue to use this word that one time you have overused it your mouth will catch on fire. Totally rational and unlikable.

If you make excuses for your child...I don't care if your kid is hungry, tired, or sick don't cover their ass, just don't. If he is hungry FEED HIM.  If he is tired PUT HIM TO BED. If he is sick KEEP HIM HOME- For everything that is holy I do not want to see green goo coming from any kid's face. I could take a poll but I am fairly certain not a person in the world looks at a kid and says...WOW that is some fascinating snot!

If your kid makes excessive noises or talks contstant and loud...I am talking about just sitting there and making noises or never shutting their damn mouth. It is so insanely annoying to hear commentary on EVERY thing you do. You are not a cartoon, you do not need theme music. Shut the hell up!!! This includes whining, I would rather self inflict deafness than hear someone else's kid whine.
*My kid when she was younger would make these hoot owl noises and flap her hands. I knew how incredibly annoying this was for everyone and I was so sorry, but she had reasons, so anyone with a REAL reason for their kid making noises, skip through or just read and know its not your kid I am talking about*

If your child is allowed to watch tv shows waaay out of the approriate age range. This is my biggest parenting pet peeve. My first grade child does not need to come home quoting shit from Family Guy. Just because it is animated and looks like a family friendly show, a 6 year old does not need to come home and tell me about how the character got a boner. COME ON!!! Common sense people, its not hard to find ask around someone is bound to stear you in the right direction. Might be with a swift kick in the ass but more that likely its necessary. (I have caught my husband allowing the kids to watch the TBS version on The Hangover, he was awarded a swift kick in the ass.) Again unlike-able.

These are just a few ways to tell if your child is unlike-able. I am sure there are more. Feel free to leave them in the comments section :)


  1. Hysterical! My comment here is going to sound like an old, cranky, cantankerous shriveled up bitch. ( Which I am just a hair short of technically being). His, mine and ours are all adults and raised and thank God, long gone from home. We have nine grandchildren. We own a big, sloppy dog. In other words, we understand and embrace chaos. But one thing that really chafes my thighs are the neighbors directly behind us thinking it was a GREAT placement to put their kids' homemade rickety slide/fortress/torture device directly against our fence so that the little darlings--when bored, which is often-- sit atop it, tossing juice cartons and such into our yard, at our dog, whatever.

    These are the sane children we never hear out during the daytime when Mommy and Daddy must apparently be crashed in the house somewhere and have them locked in for safety's sake--and then come out at dusk and whoop and holler until nearly midnight, throwing shit off said torture device when they're not banging on the door screaming for Mommy and Daddy to PLEASE let them back inside.

    This is true, I swear. And it's probably not the kids' fault I can't stand them. Mommy and Daddy have to be in there smoking crack, or at the very least whipping up a fresh batch of meth. Word.

  2. Some kids are assholes, there is no way around it. Sounds like the parents are derelicts and need some form domestic counseling..