Thursday, August 16, 2012

Crap parents say at drop off

I am fascinated by this whole Kindergarten business. I am going to tell you about what I heard and conversed. Form your own opinions of why blog is named what it is.

I was standing in the drop off with 4, with two other mothers. They were talking about just dumb fake shit, trying to sound so real. This is the stupidity I had to deal with today.

Mom A: I cooked some garlic sauteed bullshit and I didn't use the press, I used a grater.
Mom B: I used the same spoon to stir the noodles and the corn.
Me: How risque.  Obviously these women lack some social skills because they didn't hear the sarcasm in my voice. I wondered how they would react to my admission I use tupperware lids as plates and measuring cups as serving spoons. So I mentioned it.
Mom A: what a great idea.
Mom B: yeah I would have never thought of that, genius.

I am well aware neither of them thought my ideas were genius. But they are. A tupperware lid has sides so it takes a little more work for the kid to shove the food off the plate to the dog. A measuring cup as a serving spoon, not because I'm that particular on serving size- if you saw my ass you would know why, but because I have to get the food from the pot fast. If one kid has food before the kid next to him they steal it off their plate. Causing my kitchen to be a full on food warfare.

Women are still talking, looking at me for my one-uper for their internal parent award competition. I answered here and there. But here's the next one that's worth hearing about.

Mom A: My little_____ blurted out in the middle of Macy's yesterday that someone stinks and must have gassed. ( Really gassed? I call that a fart. I could hardly hold it in.)
Mom B: Oh _______ did that in church one time, it was so embarassing.
They looked at me, waiting,  I answered.
ME: Number 4 at 3 flicked off the whole congregation and pulled the fire alarm.
Mom A: Oh I will have to tell ____ I know the kid who soaked the congregation.
Mom B: Oh bless his little heart.

On this one what I was thinking and what I actually said are fairly different.

What I wanted to say:
Oh I'm sure you are going to tell____. You are fake. You need something to talk about other than how you were out with the flu and came back with new boobs. A real miracle. Tell her, tell all of them, I dare you. 
Oh honey don't bless his heart. We all know that's the southern F you. And my kid will kick your kid's ass if he says gassed.

What I did say:
He has already blessed the congregation, we're good. And your welcome for the gossip you obviously need something better to talk about, your shit is boring.  Then I walked away

Somedays do I wish the only thing I had to talk about was my kid farting in the store? Maybe. Truth is my kids are real and say what they think. Like the time 4 jumped out of the cart at Wal Mart to ask this poorly dressed overweight lady "Why your fatty hanging out your wimmer suit?"  She was obviously in her biggest looser weigh in uniform, either way my kid was curious.


  1. As always you made me laugh. I struggle as well at small talk. You never find me with the hip Mommy cliques. I figure better off alone than bored and fake!

  2. Thanks! I wouldnever have enough energy to keep up ith the cliques

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  4. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so excited someone else can appreciate my crazy life like I do :) You are awesome!!!