Monday, August 20, 2012

A new epidemic...asshole-ism

This weekend we had to go into the real world. I don't care much for that place. It's filled with germs. All kinds. Rude germs. Jerk germs. Nosy germs. And the worst of all asshole germs. When you have a big family and you go into the general public it is an absolute must to protect yourself. I am not sure why, but parents seem to be the hardest hit. It is an epidemic. A preventable tragedy.

The symptoms are constant staring, lots of personal question asking and the general conditions of knowing it all and constant judgement. Please avoid these type of people as they are infected.

I saw this virus a  few times this weekend.  I had narrowly escaped. We have to be diligent in keeping the spread of this virus low. There is only once course of treatment and that is shock and awe with a quick get away. These are my stories and how I deal with the asshole virus. Please read so you too can prevent the spread of this unnecessary tragedy.

 1: The infected lady was about middle aged, her question "Are they all yours?"
I responded with " It is hard to say, I have been with so many women." I then walked away. I wish I had a camera attached to my back to see her expression when she finally got it.  I heard a huh, what, what huh. I am unsure as to why anyone would ask a question of these sorts. It seems stupid, because who in their right mind would grab a couple of extra kids and take them into public. I sure as hell wouldn't. I personally have never heard of a traveling gypsy daycare. There could be one. Maybe I should check into that...

Case 2: The infected was also a mother, an older one. Her conversation was general and decent. I was fairly certain at that point she did not have it. Then BAM! Low blow.

"Do you get help, like you know, like government?"  I guess she had assumed that since I dress as though I am homeless, that I in fact get government services. Ok, lady this friendly shit isn't going to work out. I know you have it now. And I am not going to just let that one slide. I look homeless because I have to feed 7 people moron. Here is how I dealt with this asshole:

With a secretive look on my face I said "Quick look, over there", pointing to some bushes. The lady looked scared and curious saying what, what, looking around for a snake or a kidnapper.
"It's the secret service, they watch to make sure I don't spill the secret"
Lady was looking around really freaked out holding on to her child fearing for his life. And asked what secret? At this point I was seriously about to loose it laughing. I just kept looking around like I was watching for spies while trying to come up with something good.  This lady was about to crap her pants for real. So I told her "it's because I found out where the AAS serum was stored". She totally fell for it and asked what AAS serum is? I told her "it is the anti-asinine serum". She asked what it was. I told her "it is a serum that prevents asninity from infiltrating the general public". I could see her starting to put it all together, I gave her a big smile and walked away.

That my friends is how you deal with assholes. I understand some people are just curious but sometimes they just plain cross the line. We cannot let this go on. And when you don't have a whole Hell of a lot going on in your life it gives you something to laugh about for hours! Unfortunately we now have an Asshole Epidemic.

25 comments:

  1. I'm going to back to school night with my 2nd grader this evening...PLEASE come with me! The response to infected lady number one was priceless. Number two may have just been given a shot to the neck with my high heel....or flip flop. Days are hard, man.

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    1. Really saying stuff like that makes my day, or week whatevs. There are absolutely some people who I would like to give a swift kick but I don't think I would do well in prison :)

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  2. This is great. I have 4 kids myself. I find it so interesting how people find it necessary to stare at me while I am out with my kids. As if they never go shopping with their perfect 2.5 kids. (whatever that means) People say such stupid things. One that sets me on fire is. Do you plan on having more. It is always followed by Don't you think you have enough. My response it. Well when GOD stops putting them in me I will stop. My minister has a great response as him and I were discussing this one day (he also has 4 kids.) His response to people to throw them off guard is. Well I would stop having kids but I love having S&X to much.
    Love your blog...
    Andrea@mommyconfessionsblog

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  3. Yep, people are assholes. And you're right the best way to deal with it is with humor (at their expense, of course).

    I have 3 kids and took all 3 shopping with me the other day (the joys of summer vacation, not). As we were standing in line, and they were actually being good, some nimrod came up and asked who the troublemaker was? I was tempted to say he was, but just answered that they're all good.

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  4. I see this epidemic every where I go! But recently the infected ones have begun to ask me the same question. I have 2 boys and am currently 9 months pregnant. I am often asked what I am having and when I reply another boy they look at me with a sense of empathy and say awe... so are you going to keep trying for a girl? I just smile and say nope, still trying to build my football team so I need all boys!

    ~Danielle, http://unorganizedchaosx3.blogspot.com

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    1. I hate that. I had two girls first, and then the little boy. People would ask the same thing, or once he was born they would say, "I bet your husband is happy he got a boy, as if his daughters are of no use to him.

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    2. Love it!!1 I got the whole now you are done because you have 2 girls and are having a boy...Wait? You made you dictator of my uterus?

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  5. ahahahah!! I almost fell off my chair laughing! Visiting you while bloghopping and glad I came here! Do visit my blog when you get a chance!

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  6. Seriously?! Strangers ask this crap?

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    1. Although I would like to say it was a clever plan just to say asshole on the internet, sadly it was not. I get it all the time!!!

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  7. I only have 3 kids, but the twins have strangers asking stupid questions all the time. Now that they are older you can’t tell they are twins. So I get, “Must not have waited very long to have the third one?” usually followed by a wink or smirk. “No I didn’t. Not even a full minute.” I wink and walk off.

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    1. I get the twins question too, they are obviously not. I just say they are clones

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  8. LOL I laughed so hard. Found you via blog hoping and hope to see you around!

    Candice
    www.lillythroughthevalley.blogspot.ca

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  9. You're my new fav!
    I HATE asshole-ims (thanks for the technical term!), and I encounter them often.
    My mom had a son when I was 15, and another when I was 17, so I have frequently been given dirty looks or asked stupid questions by those inflicted with asshole-ism when I take my little brothers out.

    When the oldest-little brother was born, and I was still 15, I was in the mall with my parents, and I took him out in the hall with his stroller, trying to keep him in a quiet spot so he could keep sleeping, and they could shop. I was sitting out there with my grandmother, and this old 70-ish lady comes up and starts yelling at me about how I am exactly what is wrong with society these days and how it isnt right that people so young are having babies and living off of the government. I let her go on and on and dig herself into her own hole, then told her what she was really looking at. That the baby, is in fact my little brother, and that my family has never been on any government services, and that SHE is actually what is wrong with society these days because she goes around making assumptions and being a royal ass when she has no right to be.

    She huffed herself up and walked away. Seriously, she made the noise.

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  10. ha ha ha ha ha!! too funny!! I would LOVE to say stuff like this to nosy people but just don't have the nerve :) Keep writing this stuff down so I can live vicariously through you!

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  11. Try having a little latino!! That really stumps people!! My pet peeve when you are adoptive parent is
    "do you want to have children of your own?" REALLY????? THEY are MINE!!!!!!!! SO unbelievably offensive!!!

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    1. You found me!!!! I bet you hear stuff... We should go shopping together so we can harass the infected mwahaha

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  12. I wish you lived in my neighborhood. It would be AWESOME. Telling it like it is! I love the infected ones - classic. I am so going to use this...thank for the realness and most of all making me LOL.

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  13. Every time I come here I laugh more! Thank for writing more and more funny stuff! People are outrageous!

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  14. Response to Lady #1 was PRICELESS. I'll be watching your blog for more hilarity!

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  15. Ha Ha Love this! I've gotten so many idiotic remarks...people are stupid. I have realized since blogging and meeting other bloggers, it's pretty normal to have a large family! We've all just been locked away in our homes avoiding the real world! :)

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