Friday, July 6, 2012

Pint sized pirate

No 5 is now a pirate, I'm devastated sick and truly pissed over this situation. This day was the ending to my nine to noon fail. The day just kept on giving- me a reason to drink.

After the total morning fail the kids just got even more bizarre. No 1 decided to use a trash can as a chair, that obviously didn't work out. She literally got stuck and I actually had to pry the plastic off her ass. I'm not replacing it so she can walk by that derelict can and see what her stupidity caused. Really, who the fuck sits in a trash can? I worry about that kid sometimes.

No 3 isn't much better, he somehow put a pair of boxer shorts on his head to the point they could not be lifted off but had to be cut away from his dome. The worst part, they were dirty. As I was scissoring them away from his head I saw tracks. Holy fuck child who in the world would puts dirty shit stained drawers on their head? Honestly I'm not sure which of them would've won the moron award for the day, either way we are down a pair of skivvies and a garbage can... Can the day get any worse. Yes, yes it can.

One of the children, uhem 4, decided to use his freshly learned skill of poking holes in the bottom of a water bottle with a fork to make a hoosier watering can. I didn't see he had tested out his new found experiment in the office, I was trying to clean up his last "project" of blowing bubbles in the kitchen- did I mention they were colored bubbles? They were all over the walls, floor and pantry door, little blue "pops"- truly thrilling.

Poor sweet 5 caught the wrath of the experiment. The kid didn't have a chance. He runs everywhere through every hall, up and down the stairs, across the couches- he makes them all his bitches. He ran through the office, hit the puddle and slid on the hardwood straight into the wall. Where his little face met the wall, where a 3 year old face sized-hole with a stud sticking out stands. That stud busted his face the hell up.

I took him upstairs to clean up all the blood. I lost it, I can take blood, guts and shit like a champ but I do not do teeth. I had tears running down my face screaming "where's his tooth, I need his fucking tooth, GET ME THE GOD DAMN TOOTH", running in circles with the blood soaked towel and the kids face in my hand. I really can't handle teeth. I pulled one tooth, by accident on the fourth child, I literally ran around like a fool screaming, crying, laughing in disbelief with the occasional dry heeve in between- it was ugly.

We found the tooth, I gathered myself tried to find milk to put the tooth in and of course some asshole had decided to mix milk with kool aide for himself and his minions- which nobody drank. I sent two of the big kids to knock on doors and find a glass of milk, we recently moved so we really only know one set of neighbors, and they pissed me off ( story for a different day). The kids finally came back and we went to the dentist. He wouldn't even try to shove it back in. I was crying hysterically begging- literally I would've have done anything for him to put my kids tooth back in his face... Nope. I asked about a fake one- he wouldn't do it. He said it would be about 3 grand but he wouldn't touch it. It didn't even faze him when my little ditty looked in the mirror in front of him and cried saying " I ugly". He just stood there with a perfectly fine tooth while a baby is screaming that he's ugly and does nothing but hands me a plastic treasure box. Really, a fucking 2 cent plastic box is going to make it all better- grow a heart you douche canoe.

I am literally sick over this, the tooth is on the side, it won't grow in until he's roughly 8. There is no way in hell I'm going to let my kid walk around for the next 4 plus years of his life thinking he's ugly- its just not gonna fucking happen.

The defining moment of me not taking no for an answer was when he woke up and found the money, he handed it to me and said "now can you buy me a new tooth?". It broke my heart, literally I cried and told him "I don't care if we have to buy it from the Internet, mommy will get you a new tooth". And I fucking meant it... I called roughly 12 dentists and they wouldn't do it. I literally pleaded and harassed these poor dentists, saying my kid looks like I fed him meth in his cereal, he looks like a pirate and I know those bitches in beauty pageants get fake teeth for their kids- I know it can happen, among other things. Fortunately, my awesome friend saw my post on Facebook and said he knew someone who managed a dental office and he would ask her, she talked to the dentist and he said "YES". That friend was my fucking hero for the minute. That almost got me through the weekend, until I took the pirate to 3's baseball game and some bitch said " oh my god, his face", I quickly replied you take that back or all those mother fuckers will be gone- pointing to her perfectly straight bright whites. I was pissed and my baby was crying and yelling "she thinks I'm ugly too". Heartless bitch...

Later in the week I took him to see the dentist. In my book he is a fucking rock star, he got straight to the point called his friend who does some orthodontic supply, that makes pedo partials, got a price- a shhhit ton less than what I thought, and we were out. My little man gets his new tooth in the next two weeks and Dr. White at Webster Dental will have 7 new patients in the upcoming months..the man will be my hero FOREVER!!!

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