Thursday, December 27, 2012

It's been a while folks...

It's been a while folks... refill your coffee, grab a diet coke, or get out the corkscrew, it's time to catch up.

So I have been a little missing, not just from you but from my real life friends too. This pregnancy has kicked my ass. Maybe it is regular symptoms and I am just getting my dose of reality. Whatever it is, I am asking you not so kindly to go the hell away. So since it has been a while, and I know you all are DYING to hear what I have been up to.

 I can do this in a half-ass interview form. Just pretend Ellen DeGeneres is asking the questions...

Ellen: You said WTF in front of a nun, I need some back story...(she is definitely shaking her head)

Well I had to take my son to get his tooth re-glued.

Ellen: re-glued?

Yeah, he knocked his tooth out at 3, I called every dentist in the metro-area until I found one who would put a fake tooth in. I have issues, I know.

Ellen: Ok, about this nun...

So we were in the waiting room, the kids were looking at the fish tank. There was a nun in her Sister Act get up, reading. Out walks a man from the exam room and sits down next to me and sets his dentures on the coffee table. I couldn't believe what I saw. Shocking, really. Who throws their falsies all willy-nilly like on the coffee table. I mean shit just doesn't happen like that, its partly bazaar and the other part just plain fucking nasty. I have 4 (6yrs,boy) and 5 (4yrs,boy) looking at the fish tank, I am praying that they stay at the fish tank. Nothing gets past these kids, they would call that SOB out in a second. I thought since I had back up with that damn God cheerleader sitting right there God would at least hear this one. Maybe he needed a laugh or was testing me, because the kids came over.

Immediately, 5 looked at the table and said "teeth". The owner of the dentures picked them up and HANDED HIM TO MY SON.

Ellen: Wait, he handed his dentures to your son? Man, I already need a drink...

Yes, he handed his slobbery ass porcelain teeth to my son. What else was there to do? I WTF'd it. There clearly was no other option. I WTF'd it in front of the nun, in front of the other patients, in front of the office staff. I WTF'd it in front of God. There are no other words besides a WTF to describe the exact feeling of seeing some man hand his dentures to your child. None.

Ellen: What did the nun say, was she shocked? Did she condemn you to Hell?

No, she just nodded her head. I think she got it. She probably didn't approve of the language. But, clearly, the shock of the situation. She got that.

Ellen: What did you do? Did you throw them at him? How did he respond to the WTFing of the denture hand-over?

Hell no, Ellen, I didn't touch them. Shit, I didn't touch my kid for two days. The man took them back and told the kids when they are around 50 they would get their own. Like it was a damn prize for aging. I had to step back from the parenting. This man was about to get what those kids dished. You don't hand out your teeth like Halloween candy and not have some sort of repercussion.

Ellen: So what did 4 say? I hear he  has a knack for telling it like it is...

Oh yes, Ellen the kid is something. He tells you exactly what he thinks. He has no problem with that. And this  man was no exception... He just looked at the man in disgust and shook his head and nonchalantly just said "You probably should have brushed your teeth".  The kid can't lie...

Ellen: WOW

Yeah, it's just how shit gets done around here..

Ellen: No kidding, I would love to hear more but we are out of time. Maybe next time you come back you can tell me about the drunk elves wrapping your Christmas presents..

I would love to!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Maybe I really am a Princess?

So I thought that Princess Kate was a big-assed baby going to the hospital for morning sickness. I am pregnant too. I am sick at least 10 times a day. What do the normal folk do? Pop some Tums and carry a plastic bag in their waistband. Wear a scarf so we can mask odd smells in the grocery store. We don't go all Hollywood exhaustion and commit ourselves to the hospital for days on end, that is ridiculous.

I thought she was ridiculous, until the other day. I had chest pains, like crushing chest pains. Can't breathe chest pains. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. I have been around the block a few times with heart issues. I was born with a hole in my heart and had it fixed as a teen. I can now successfully freak the shit out of an X-Ray tech when I get a chest x-ray. It looks like I have a bullet in my heart, it is kind of funny to see them look at me after it is done. They don't look you in the face, especially if you can hardly move because you have pneumonia or some shit like that. Anyway I have had some other issues too. I fully believed I was having a heart attack.

I called the back of the insurance card because I needed to know where to go. It was getting bad, there is a hospital 2 minutes from my house but it isn't "in-network". I talked to the nurse and she told me to call an ambulance. Yeah, I am not doing that. Thing is, I am not too fond of the neighbors around here. They are a bunch of stuck up pricks, I am not going to give them a reason to come poke their damn noses in my business. They can go have their own damn heart attack.

So I got there and the doc and nurse were super nice. They probably thought I was being a big baby. They did the x-ray and the aspirin and the Ekg bullshit. The blood work and all. Turns out I wasn't on the verge of death. Apparently throwing up ten or more times a day for 6 plus weeks straight can do a doozy on the joint between your ribs and can cause inflammation in your esophagus that makes you feel like something is stuck in there and you can't breathe. I was just being a fucking worry-wort hypochondriac princess.

It is almost embarrassing I was trying to write a will on an old bank receipt. Trying to come up with some profound words of wisdom for my kids on the sheet of a hospital bed, that's borderline padded wall crazy. I am glad I am ok, but I feel like a complete moron. So what else is there to do with that embarrassing info than to share it with my peeps :)

Friday, December 7, 2012

Secret Subject Swap...Plastic Surgery of Parenthood

I am doing the Secret Subject Swap. Karen from Baking in a Tornado came up with this genius scheme.
The subject is from Sanity Waiting to Happen. She wanted me to write an essay to convince the country's top surgeon of why I need a _____job.

The thing is I've had 5 kids, the sixth is on the way. My body isn't great or perfect but I am ok with it, really. I couldn't see getting plastic surgery at this point in my life and making something up would truly do her well thought out subject absolutely no justice. It would be unfair to her to just vomit some words so I am going to spin it, and I hope she likes it.

The Plastic Surgery of Parenthood... It will never be the same

Parenthood brings about many changes to our outward appearances. Most of them are not sought after. Let's go over a few..

1) Boobs
Some of you ladies may be lucky enough to gain a cup size during pregnancy and maybe keep it a little after.
Not me. I am currently pregnant and guess what my bras are too big. Yes you heard that right. I loose tits every damn time I am pregnant. It is a sad state. I hope Heff never asks me to pose because it would take one hell of a photoshop scheme to get this saggy shit to resemble normal. 3 kids ago I was a full C, now the gals look like a sumo wrestler sat on an exercise ball and then tried to patch the holes with stretch mark printed duct tape. Seriously its as ridiculous as filling a sock with vanilla pudding and taping it to the ceiling and expecting it to look like a perky erection. Maybe one day I would consider fakesters but for now they are in the running for an all night dairy job so they will have to make do.

2) Hair
Somehow parenthood just screws with your hair. All the highlights in the world can't cover up that haven't taken a shower in 3 day shine. I am not going to lie. I have done the baby powder or flour in your hair quick fix. The flour is a bitch to get out. It clumps up like pie dough. You go through enough crap in parenthood, wearing food in your hair on purpose is just a little much.

3) Thighs
Lets face it. After a kid you get cellulite. It is a fact of life. It sucks. That is probably the only thing on my body that I really don't like and am not at the point where I can laugh at it. I guess it is not that bad. At least the back of my thighs don't look like they have multiple cellulite vaginas. I have seen that, I don't want it. If I had it I would barbed wire that shit up and pull it up to my chin. My thighs aren't that bad but they do look like I have unironed trousers under my skin filled with tootsie rolls and gumballs. It's not pretty folks but it is reality.

4) Stomach
I do have to say for having 5 kids my stomach is not bad at all. Seriously, I wore a bikini last summer. I didn't sit down and you bet your ass my stomach was flexed and I took really shallow breaths the whole time, but I pulled it off. I have scars on my stomach from having my gallbladder out and my bellybutton looks weird because its fake. THANK YOU MOM for not making me run around my entire life with a little weenie hanging off where my belly button should have been, I will be forever appreciative. (She probably just did it because she was tired of me standing up to pee with my boy cousins and leaving a puddle on the floor, anyway back to the subject at hand.) I have seen some nasty stomachs in bikini's not all of them result from a nine month plan, some of them were the 14 year snickers and dorito plan. Either which way you go, it is never the same.
* And my tried and true secret to a flat stomach after kids...You bind the Hell out of that stomach. After my second I had this foreign doctor, she scared the shit out of me ripping the sheet with some sort of tool and wrapping me up as tight as she could. I wholeheartedly thought I was being taken hostage and my internal organs were going to be sold one by one on the black market, but they weren't. The lady knew what she was talking about and I have done it with every kid since. Guess what folks, even after number 5 my waist was 29 inches*

After kids your ass sags. I blame it on the incredible amount of hormones. I mean they are rushing through your body and it only makes sense for them to fill in the back as much as the front. It is a matter of balance people. So what happens after the stomach is gone? The ass deflates or just rotates around and settles into weird spots but the skin is stretched. It is done. That Brazil Butt lift commercial wants you to worry if you can hold a pencil between your butt cheek and your thigh. Watch out Leandro this bitch can hold a two by four. I guess I will keep it that way. It does come in handy when I build shelves and other bullshit like that. But again your ass will never be the same.

6) Love handles
Whoever came up with the term love handle is a complete moron or his term went astray. Seriously, if a man grabded the fat caps on top of your hips and said I want me some of that, what are the odds he would get laid? His ass is going to be walking away with an icepack between his legs. I guarantee it won't be from overuse. The fact is that you get them after pregnancy, where else is that extra skin supposed to go? We sure as hell don't want it moving south.

7) Skin
After you have kids your skin is just dull. Maybe once the kid comes we don't take the time or the money to use the fancy face wash with those scrubbing beads everyday. After a few years the only way to get that teen glow is with sandpaper and crisco, and after that crap soaks in you will look like you have been hoarding McDonald' your skin.

 I'm sure there is plenty more, I am sure we could all write a book about what kids do to our bodies. Probably a series on what it does to our sanity or our livers but that can be for another time.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Day that has forever changed my relationship with...

I had to get bloodwork the other day. My phone was almost dead. Probably the worst possible thing that could have happened. I witnessed the absolute nastiest thing I could imagine. Something I shouldn't talk about it is so vile.

And older lady and her really old mother came in and stood at the counter. They were talking about the lunch they just had. No big deal, right? It was almost cute. For a minute.

I saw the daughter pull something out of her purse. It was a tupperware container. For a second I still had my innocence. I thought it was sweet she would bring the lab techs pudding.

I have been forever scarred. The lady informed the tech the sample was fresh and has not been frozen yet. I made a big mistake looking at the container again. I grabbed the trash can and ran into the hallway. When I returned all I could say was you need a new bag.

First of all, it is fucking gross to shit in a plastic container. Whatever sick twisted individual who thought it was acceptable to make that container clear needs his testicles sliced. There are no two ways about it, his ass should have been shot or at the very least he should have been caught on fire. That man is a dipshit.

Second of all, who the hell puts a pile of shit in their purse without wrapping it in plastic? I've used Tupperware. That shit leaks. I went batshit when gravy dripped in my fridge. I would have wrapped that package of anal carnage with a SAMs club sized package of trash bags and duct taped that bitch to a pole. No way in hell it would be seen, let alone just tossed all willy nilly like in my purse. People are freaks and nasty. This was the day that has forever changed my relationship with pudding.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dear county inspector...

County inspector,

It seems we may have a problem. I saw you parked outside of my house yesterday with your lights on. I then saw you get out of your car and walk onto my property. From there you proceeded to look up at my second story window and write something down on your pansy ass piece of paper. I commend you on checking out complaints of public nuisance, truly I do. But seriously, is a screen barely poking out of track a public nuisance? If so, you have an OCD that needs to be contained within blue padded walls.

I took a little drive around the neighborhood to see if I could find anything that is annoying but within your realm of ok. I saw ugly lawn gnomes, shrubbery that is so big it looks like trees are growing through it, and a car that is almost derelict but still drivable, since it is a clear trash bag duct taped to the passenger side window. Obviously, my window is a cause for concern.

If in a week or so I get this letter about my window screen, I will be sure to fix it with hot pink duct tape. Maybe I should make sure they are all in snugly and duct tape the rest, with coordinating colors, of course, as to fit your uber classy taste.

I'm thinking I should go all out this Christmas and carry it into March. I have never had a fake Christmas tree in the front yard decorated with beer cans and bottle caps, but it sounds almost fun. See, sir, I have a bunch of kids and zip tying cans and other bullshit will be a real treat for them. I'm sure the boys wouldn't mind anchoring down said plastic Christmas trees strung with alcoholic beverages via broomsticks, which of course will be wrapped in duct tape to tie the pink windows into the Christmas theme. I think a new wreath may be in order. Who doesn't think a bright red boa and some tampon angels lack class?

Come to think about it, I have always wanted a garage look living room. The industrial look isn't exactly what is screaming at me when I think about cozying up and watching some television. But you know, the breeze may be nice. I could put some space heaters in and open the door for the world to see my industrial garage living space. Maybe I should put a port-a-potty in there, it is a little bit of a trek to the bathroom. Clearly, we can't have a door on it, the stench would be a little much. Since it is a garage with concrete floors that can be hosed off I have no problem leaving food containers on the floor until I can get around to moving the furniture and hosing it out into the sewer.

Mr. Douche, I have thought of many fun ways we can handle this problem in a matter of minutes. Just wait until I am pissed when the letter comes in my mailbox, we could have some real fun. Maybe your wife or a family member will come across this blog and give you a heads up and have a little talk with you about your douchebaggery ways. If not, have your A game ready because you are no match for me.

You've been warned,
Ashes :)
Sound the alarms, folks. We may have
a public nuisance on our hands...

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Fly on the Wall

My friend Karen over at Baking in a Tornado, who is a genius, came up with yet another great group posting idea... I don't know where she came up with the idea, but I could do this daily. In fact, I have lost my notes 3 times in the several weeks and just started over to find my first set. I could fill a novel. Or a t.v. show, whatevs. Karen was so understanding when I couldn't make the deadline because of a blog hack, she even put bailey's in her coffee for me...That is a true bloggy friend...

A Fly on My Wall
 Pull up a chair and grab an adult beverage folks, this may be hard to take...

*Just because you were in the green light zone today at school doesn't mean you can play in the red light...uhmm naughty...uhmmm just get your shit together and behave.

*You had breakfast, another breakfast, a snack, lunch and 3 cups of milk...You are on the obesity train, jump off while you can...

*4 practicing karate, kick misses and kits the couch...5 immediately after jumping on the couch falls onto the kicked arm and it breaks off entirely....Couch being held together with duct tape...Super Classy

* Hubs to the kids: Your mom has no filter...

* 5 got up in the middle of breakfast to crap...he informed me that he had to unload so he can finish.

* I had to explain to one of the older kids, You can't trust a fart.

*  I realized there is nothing like being alone in bed and rolling over to find that a kid had used it as their midnight urinal and left...

* Get me a towel RUUUN.
 kid: WHY?
Just get me a fucking towel..
kid: not until you tell me why..
Someone shit on the toilet seat and I sat in it...RUUUUNNN

* 5 went in to poop and used a half roll and didn't flush, next kid went in and flushed while they were on the toilet... I hear my balls, my balls. I thought he had slammed them...Nope shit was overflowing onto him...Tragic I know.

* Hubs got a new pair of shoes and let kids rip apart the old ones... I said Get that away from me, if I wanted fungus in my beer I would order a fountain beer (draft)...

* Number 1 picked up the babysitting kid and said you are so cute! Kid yacked on her.. I told my daughter clearly the girl thinks she's beautiful...

* Life Cycle of Gum:
3 chewing and dropped it out of his mouth..
4 picks it up and chews it, dropping it outside twice and returning it to his mouth.
4 realizes he is done with the gum and throws it to the ceiling, it dropped and was stepped on..
5 puts said gum in his mouth...And people wonder why my kids never get sick, immune system of The Hulk..

* 3 decides to pants 4 while company is over. 4 is embarrassed and gets upset, older sister waits until 3 is asleep and writes on his head with permanent marker...

* Mom 5 has his balls out... Yep, it's about time you but those boys back in the holster...

* I was in the drive thru at the gas station, a lady I barely know personally- just heard of and heard she doesn't care for me, for no reason whatsoever other than to create some type of dipshit drama, was staring me down through the window. I waving and smiled like I was so excited to see her, she realized I was watching her stare me down and smiled and waved like we were besties... I really like fucking with people...

* Had a baseball party at my house, and in the middle of talking about camps and training programs. A kid came up and told on another kid who was pouring gatorade on himself in the basement.. I said clearly we are in need of a common sense camp...

* Number 1 found something out by reading my texts and said something to my friend and lied about how she found out... I have hinted around how I know what she did, just enough to make her squirm.... I am hinting around that there is something really wrong and freaking her out... I like to see her uncomfortable and worried that I caught her. As soon as she thinks she is in the clear I will pull it out and give a big punishment... It is so much fun to be an evil parent...

This is just a little...hopefully non of you have to live the full-on version , your liver couldn't keep up...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

There is not enough padding to contain the kind of crazy.

A conversation between 4 and I...The reasoning behind this conversation to follow..

ME: We need to have a talk. You need to calm these shenanigans bud.

4: I thought you liked my experiments.

ME: I like that you think out of the box, and have quite a clever streak but there is not enough padding for the walls to contain the kind of crazy you are making me. I love you but clearly, this has to stop.

4: I don't think I can. I like my brain. It is good.

ME: You need to find a way to contain that shit, it has gone too far.

4: Ok, but it is really really hard.

Me: I need a drink...( I didn't)

Yesterday 4's tomfoolery had reached exceedingly high limits. Seriously, a woman can only take so much before she looses her shit. I was so exhausted from the afternoon I fell asleep early, to find that the kids had placed a pillow under my head, a blanket on me, cleaned the family room and put my feet up on the ottoman. Clearly they felt bad for what 4 had put me through earlier.

It started with catching a babysitting kid mid-crap and trying to get him on the toilet, which made a huge mess and stink in the bathroom. So I lit a candle. Big mistake.

What can a five year old do locked in a bathroom with a candle, air freshener and marshmallows? One big ass mess. Why he took a bag of marshmallows in the crapper is beyond me. First, he sprayed the candle with the air freshener, a black burn mark now appears on the mirror. Awesome. He also decided to roast marshmallows, he proceeded to burn his finger so I guess he took all the toilet paper off a roll and twisted to cardboard to make a skewer. I guess he realized the roll burned quickly and watered it down in the sink. I guess he then wanted to know how long  it would take for a full roll to burn. I heard counting and then saw smoke pouring out of the bathroom and the smoke detector went off. Even better. I was trying to pick the lock with a paper clip to get into the bathroom because the kid was freaking out. I was just screaming "put it on the toilet I can't get the fng door unlocked!"

Kid was banned from being alone for the next hour he had to be within my eyesight, and absolutely no bathroom. I was cooking, kid found saran wrap. He wrapped every damn thing in the kitchen. He wasn't putting any one's life in danger and he was busy and not trying to play with knives so I just didn't give a shit at that moment. He was testing out the empty tube of saran wrap with the salt shaker. Yes, if you put the tube on top of the salt shaker the salt still in fact comes out the tube. At this point I am just shaking my head..

The kid found the cooler with water bottles in the living room left over from the baseball party. I may post about that ridiculousness, the the anger is too much right now. He picked one up and came back into the kitchen. The kid doesn't like to conform to the norm. He decided to open it with a wine corkscrew. Believe it or not it does work, it pokes a hole in the top of the water bottle. It isn't big enough to suck out the water so you have to squeeze it. This intrigued 4 and he made an indoor fountain. A change of clothes and 4 bath towels later the mess was cleaned up. Thankfully it was time to eat.

4 decided he wasn't hungry. Maybe it was the candle marshmallow roast or maybe the candle produces poison and made him a little sick. I don't know. The rest of us were eating and he was in the living room, I though nothing of it. I heard him rummage through the dresser in there, which for the most part has toys but one drawer has my craft stuff.  Apparently, the kid flipped over the cooler, which I thought was a toy dropping and took out a screwdriver and took the screws out of the cooler. He then tried to move the cooler and water dumped everywhere. He proceeded to make it an indoor slip and slide. Another change of clothes and 12 towels later the floor was dry.

At that point I was ready for pajamas. I went into my room only to find that when he was "playing with legos" earlier the kid had booby trapped my entire room. I see that he was trying to keep out burglars, dad was out of town and he was trying to do his part. It was almost sweet. The only problem is that a burglar  more than likely doesn't want my clothes, Stringing fishing line through every loop on my pants is unnecessary. Toilet paper and toothbrushes could probably be on that list too. I am doubting a thief wouldn't want the faucets. The bench and the furniture doesn't scream class either.

After an hour of unstringing my room, I was done. We had the conversation and I dozed on the couch for an hour. I won't drink when I am the only adult but I sure as hell wanted to.

I love that he is clever, I really do and if these events would have happened one in a day I would be fine. But WTF. How the hell am I supposed to contain that crazy without stifling him. I know he isn't doing this to be mean or hateful he is the most curious kid I have ever met. I don't want him to stop trying new things, for all I know his brain could be the one to cure a horrific disease. But I feel the crazy closing in on me. Today has been better, except for thinking he needed to cook eggs himself and putting them in the microwave cracked without a plate, it is nothing compared to yesterday. I hope our conversation got to him, if not folks you better start up a donation because this bitch may need some padded walls...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Mom, you were waving it around like a crazy person...

So I really debated writing this, I mean it makes me sound crazy. So here are a few things you need to know...
1) When I get flustered or upset or excited I talk with my hands.
2) I don't believe in child abuse.

You get that? Ok, we can carry on.

The other night I was making dinner, peeling potatoes. The kids were in the kitchen wrestling. 4 was just in his underwear, I could say as usual but most of the time he is butt-ass naked, so I'm not going to lie.
4 was sitting on 5 with his butt in 5's face. All of a sudden he said "I'm gonna fart in your face", I mean it's gross but they are both boys and do that kind of shit on a daily basis. I couldn't tell you how many times I have said don't fart in your brother's face. I mean seriously, its ridiculous.

So 4's ass was in 5's face and his intention was to fart. The look on his face told me otherwise. 4 stood up and his underwear had a patch of brown that was spreading upward and outward. I was shocked, I don't loose my shit very often but I yelled and I used hand movements. " Seriously, seriously... you damn near shit in your brother's face, get the hell out of here". 4 runs upstairs balling his eyes out. I finish peeling the potatoes and I go upstairs to make sure he cleaned himself up and was ok.

I walked in and he wanted to see my hands. I had no idea why, but I had nothing in my hands. He said ok, you can come in. I asked him if he was embarrassed or something. He said "no, you had a knife in your hand and you were waving it around like a crazy person."

So we had to have a conversation.

Me: 4, you know that I love you. But really how many times have you been spanked in your life? Very rarely. When you do something that is life threatening.

4: No, remember that time you spanked me twice in one day?

Me: yes, that was after your 3 day bitch stint, and you were clearly warned and old enough to know better
       and you didn't even cry.

4: ok, so you weren't waving that knife at me?

Me: Hell NO, if anyone would've gotten shanked it would have been my own face.

4: mom, you aren't supposed to put knives near your face.

me:  Accident.

4: that could've gotten you killed.

Me: Thanks, I will be sure to remember that the next time I am peeling potatoes and you shit in your
       brother's face.

FYI: The bitch stint was a several day period that this 5 year old decided to put the word bitch after everything... I'm tired, BITCH... I'm hungry...BITCH, I wiped my butt... BITCH. I warned him for 3 days that I was going to spank him when he said bitch, it took two small pops to learn his lesson. I am sorry if you don't agree, but know that I am a yeller or sarcastic I am not a spanker, and that I have nerves of steel so it takes a lot to even get me to the yelling point...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Chivalry isn't 3rd grade at least...

My kids act like assholes at home, seriously. I love them but they act like inbred asshats. Just yesterday we had yet another haircut incident, a toothpaste/coupon debalce and they poured baby powder on the hardwood just so they could slide in their underwear. Told you, assholes. They do NOT dare act like this in public. My favorite quote is "homes are for free expression, not first impressions", we live honestly by that. As long as you aren't torturing someone and you can fix it yourself, its not a big deal. Act like fools and laugh your ass off, I am fine with that. Rarely my kids act like a pack of dumbasses in public. One does, but we are working on it.

At school, they get rave behavior reviews, 4 had a little mishap at the beginning of the year but since he has been great. Clearly, informing your classmates you aren't afraid to kick all their asses is frowned upon in Kindergarten. 3 has never been warned, had a yellow day or even a stern look. Last year he won a character award at school because he is so nice to the other kids, especially the ones with special needs. This absolutely makes me so proud. Clearly he would never win an award at home, well maybe the I made mom drink today award, but never an at-home behavior gold star.

3 came home and busted out into tears, a full on hyperventilating snot spraying drooling crying fit. I expect this from a teen girl who lost her first boyfriend, not my little jock of a son. After 45 minutes of piecing words between sobs I figured out he had a yellow day. I told him I was glad he made it to the third grade, I wasn't worried. But let's not go for the whole stoplight and get a red. Let's leave well enough alone.

I figured out what had happened. Apparently he was making a face, like the rest of the other boys in the class, and a girl laughed. Well another girl, his best friend, got into trouble and she wasn't the offender, he spoke up and said it was him and not her. The teacher asked if he deserved a  yellow card and he said more than his best friend. I am so proud of my chivalrous little boy. His best friend did nothing wrong and he was willing to take a yellow day in her place. She got a yellow day too, which neither deserved because there are some real gems in that class and they get warnings all the time. Maybe the teacher was trying to make an example that the two good kids can get into trouble too, the other mom also one of my best friends is livid. I see her side, her kid is good. Not just at school, at her house, at my house and the girl isn't a tattler, that reigns high in my book. I don't think I am going to say anything to the teacher, she is a sweet lady, although my son thoroughly believes she will hate him forever. She may have had a plan or a bad day either way everyone is still alive and didn't hang themselves in the middle of the night. So we are good.

I do have to talk to the boy about this taking the blame for shit. Although it was a nice idea, what if one of his dillhole friends decides to rob a bank.  I can think of so many ways that taking the fall for someone could end badly. Thank God for DNA evidence...or my kid would be screwed as an adult...

Friday, November 2, 2012

If I had a superpower...

I am doing the secret subject blog swap. The brain child of Baking in a Tornado.

Superpowers, they are tricky little bitches. Im not sure so let's think this out in bullet point form.

Super sonic hearing. That could be good. But I do go out of my way not to hear things. You know when a kid says oh mom is going to be so mad, some things are just better left unknown.

X-ray vision. Again could work. It would save many trips to the ER. But that also means I can see people's unders. Skid marked, blow hole underwear. Possibly some skimpies on a Mac truck sized hind end. Or even worse, the lacking of drawers. Even though it would save in ER visits my therapy couldn't outweigh the reward.

Mind reading. Could be good with the kids. But that's too easy. I like a good challenge, unless it's balding- I don't want that. I enjoy a good mystery. Watching the kids eyes look away or think they got away with something. I enjoy the cat and mouse of it. It's an under appreciated joy of parenthood.

Knowing the future. This is also good in theory but if I knew something bad was going to happen to someone I couldn't look them in the face. Unless they are an asshole. Then I would have a little laugh and probably tell them to watch their step. Knowing how your kids are going to turn out or how a situation in your life will end up. I'm not sure I want to know. I like the unknown, I thrive on the unknown unless it's really bad, and in that case an unpleasant surprise at the last moment may be better.

Flying. I have always wanted to fly. Although, I have never stepped foot on a plane. I wonder if birds could crap on you while you are flying? Can they crap on moving objects? Oh wait, one let a load off on my windshield going 60. I'm not a fan of aviary droppings so I won't go with that.

Invisibility. It would be cool, I am a people watcher. Then again, there are somethings I may be better off not knowing. The world is full of freaks and I like to think the peeps around here are not. I'm sure that is not the case. Seeing would just cause mass castration or extreme bitch-slapping. I may need bail money. Maybe we shouldn't go with that one.

Running at the speed of light. That would take care of the aviary shit-turds, and I could travel anywhere in a matter of seconds or minutes. Actually I'm not sure how fast the speed of light is, it may not be that impressive. But not being raped by gas prices would be an added bonus.

I wouldn't want to be the type of superhero to save people. I do enough of that in real life. Need a ride? Me. Need a babysitter? Me again. Need gas money? Oh oh me too. Need a hand with your work? Oh yeah, who is the dumbass who raises her hand. Me. Yeah, I'm done with all that shit.

I will go with the speed, maybe that list of six thousand things not finished at the end of the day can be 5,999? One can dream, right?

Thank you to The Insomniac's Dream for giving me this prompt. I had to dig around a little and put some work in this. Thanks for the challenge. Karen, at baking in a tornado, you are the mastermind of this genius operation. Thank you for allowing my crazy ass in.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I made a deal with the teenager

I made a deal with the devil. Well, close enough. My teen daughter. She wanted to dye the tips of her hair purple. She bought a semi-permanent dye and I told her I would think about it.

She home schools, the only one of the 5. There is a reason, and I can't seem to bring myself to share it, several months later I am so damn mad it would be a string of curse words with punctuation. She has been having a hard time in science. I get it, I teach it to her. It is boring and stupid. I feel her pain since I put together study guides and visuals to help her. Stabbing my eyes out seems like the only viable option. I get it.

She also recently had a small procedure on her toe. It was an ingrown toenail, she acts as though half her toe was sawed off. No that is not enough, chewed off my rats with a radioactive disease. She limps around and props it, unless she wants to do something and she looks like she is on hidden camera footage of a  personal injury fraud case. She is supposed to be using bandaids now but she says since it is still swollen (which is only visible to her eyes) she needs gauze. She has been milking the hell out of it.

So here is where it all comes together. I make a deal with her since we are out of gauze. "if you get an A on your science test and use a maxi-pad on your toe so I don't have to go get gauze I will dye your tips". She studied for an hour and a half. Damn it!

I don't know why I said this. I am either the dumbest mom in America, maybe the coolest? It could be me just taking the easy way out, or the fact that if she pisses me off I just get to chop them off. Possibly the fact that I have been alone with the kids for the last few days alone and I may be crossing the line into bat shit territory. I think it is that I just really don't care. She is at home all day, no one to impress so she wants to wack out her hair, big deal right?

 Ok, and the pics,
Now THIS, cracks my shit up.
Don't get all concerned it was
an unscented, maxi-pad, left over
from the last time I had a kid
4 years ago...
The process, I am shaking
my head in shame

Monday, October 29, 2012

Guest post: Are you a passive-aggressive ass?

My amazing friend Happy Little Feet is doing a guest post for me today. I am very excited. I love her blog. It is a mix of tips, recipes and funny stories. She was my first blog friend, we bonded over bad haircuts and penile cartilage questions. It has been a blast to know her ever since!

Are you a passive-aggressive ass?
Photo from: Rise to the top
As a mother or parent in general you
are often subject to many unsolicited
comments and gems of advice.
When I was first pregnant I
imagined that these comments would
eventually end once the baby was
born. You can imagine my surprise
when it just got worse after he was
born. Seven years later I still get it.
However, I have gotten used to it. I
am not saying that I enjoy the, "do
you know how you get pregnant?"
comments I get pretty much every
time I enter a grocery store but they
are definitely old hat.
What still irks me and makes me want
to punch you in the face is the
passive aggressive crap people say to
try and make you feel insecure. I am
giving them the benefit of the doubt
because I really try to remind myself
that everyone is trying their best but
people, and you know if it is
you, STOP. Nobody likes these
comments and what I am sure what you thought was a subtle slight is blazingly
obvious and offensive If you have something rude to say just say it or keep your
mouth shut.

1) It must be nice... This is used all too frequently. I will paint you a picture most
of us have experienced;
"I work out every morning."
"Must be nice, to have the time, energy etc."
What I imagine saying, "Well yes, actually it is especially nice since I get up at 5:30
to do it. Must be nice to watch back to back episodes of the biggest loser and every
other reality show they have released in the last decade."
Photo From: The Rise to the TopWhat I actually do: just smile.
This gem I get a lot. Since I am a stay at home mom and a lot of people often have the
misconception that I sit at home all day painting my nails with my feet up
watching Oprah eating bon-bons. This, as any mother knows could not be further
from the truth. First of all no one is missing out on this passive aggressive crap. When
you say this the person hears your disdain LOUD and Clear.

2) "Just you wait..." This is offered by people who are ahead of you in some way.
Be it, their child is a whopping 3 months older or they have teenagers or even are
grandparents. It always amazes me that people even say this. Do they not realize that
whatever any given individual is going through is important to them not to
mention, legitimately different from your experience? They do not need a rude
interpretation of how their life is easier than yours. They also do not need a reminder
that is is going to get so much harder. So shut it.

3) "It must be so much easier for you because ..."
This one is ridiculous. I have had people tell me that it must be easier for me because
my kids are so much further apart than theirs ... her son was 6 weeks closer than mine.
It is just so ridiculous. I suppose that it must be easier for me because I do not feel the
need to approach people and tell them how much easier it is for them. Seriously, I am
not sure how this is ever considered to be polite chit chat. My sister had a woman tell
her it must be easier for her because she has so many kids. Her friend only had one
she was apparently under the impression that the more children you have the easier it
gets. Maybe it does maybe it does not but if you think it so, keep it to yourself.

4) "That's nothing ..."
This is typically done by the one upper’s.
My son was almost crushed by a cement bird bath ..."Oh that's nothing! Once my child fell off a swing set and got such a big ..."I am not saying do not exchange stories, by all means. People love the give and take in conversation. Just the line "It’s nothing" is so incredibly dismissive and

5) You have no idea what it’s like to...
This is just plain rude. No matter how you slice it, no matter how you twist it, unless it
is followed by: "what it feels like to be hit by a bus and then eaten by rats in a sewer
because you were dragged down there by a albino 'gater...." it is basically saying you
do not give a fig about what this person just said. So, as a gentle reminder to any of you who may be saying these rude, passive-aggressive comments; think before you speak or just keep your mouth shut. One day someone will call you out on it and I will just laugh.

Every Day Is An Adventure

Saturday, October 27, 2012

My son painted his...A blue ball reality

The kid is 4. He usually uses the brain I so nicely constructed and housed for nine months. Maybe that glass of wine while waiting for that second line to appear caused some damage, I'm not quite sure.

The kid said he had to crap and was using my bathroom. He was taking a while. Being the little man he is, he likes to look at magazines while dropping the loot. I thought nothing of it. Dad came home and we were wondering why he didn't come running, like usual.

We started searching. 3 found him and said "mom you gotta see this". I knew I didn't, but no sense in delaying the inevitable. I went upstairs to find that my son had painted his penis and testicles with fingernail polish, he tried a few streaks on his ass cheeks as well. He put the term blue balls into reality, to say the least. I laughed so hard I cried, until he couldn't pee.  While I was concerned, but still laughing. I turned to twitter and google. I didn't want to put remover down his piss hole. I soaked him in the tub and tried to call the doctor. I was laughing so hard the nurse on the exchange thought it was a prank. I told her I would just figure it out on my own.

So it's off, and it is still hard to type because I can't see through the laughing tears. I cannot imagine sitting on a toilet and thinking my vag could use a little more flare. I don't understand why the hell he would paint his penis. Somewhere he lost some brain cells. He has won the shit for brains certificate for the day, and that bottle of wine is in need of some serious CPR...

Friday, October 26, 2012

The letter I would love to post on my wall

Dear people who live in my house,

I appreciate your resourcefulness, in un cleaning every room today. I see all your hard work has paid off. I know you are aware of the party ensuing in the next hour. Although the masterpiece in the sink with the toothpaste may be a sought after piece of art in a backwoods trailer park, conveniently placed by the front entrance, it is not appreciated in our humble abode.

I will take the time to inform you that we do in fact have a hose, you know the thing you used to shower off with in the summer. Remember how I said the nomadic style of living was so last year? Yes that thing, it is OK to use to hose the mud off your feet. It relieves the need to track mud across a shiny clean floor and into the guest bathroom. The same guest bathroom you felt the need to clean your feet in the sink. I know you are boys and you are more than willing to live in the woods and eat off campfires and piss in holes. You would probably be ok with crapping in a box, and leaving it for the raccoons to feast on. But, really let's get our shit together and at least pretend to be civil.

Lastly, to the child who left a brown handprint on the bathroom door. I realize this is a Halloween party, but chocolate syrup on the bathroom door is for the April fools joke. Guests won't realize the chocolate syrup spilling from under the cabinet and the handprint on the door are in fact chocolate. They will think that you aspiring yokels shit under the sink and barehanded it. Not cool, folks. Not cool.

We are all friends here, we can figure this out...As long as you listen to your mother.

FYI, I did not say this to my children, but at least I can remind them to clean up after themselves with a smile...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A guest post: Hard Earned knowledge from a Father to his Son

My friend @JimboMidge is guest posting for me today. He is on twitter. Sorry folks, no blog. I know I am disappointed too. Maybe if we have some nice comments he will change his mind?

Being a parent is tough business. Not only do we have to ensure the survival and general well-being of our own personal Mini Me’s, but we also have to impart various life lessons onto them in an attempt to avoid a future of serial murder and hanging out in front of playgrounds.
My 3 year old son seems to figure out a pretty amazing array of things on his own (like how to buy stuff I don’t want from the Google Play Store), but I’ve compiled a list of important life lessons to give him when he’s older for other parental amusement.

Judge not lest ye be judged. Unless the other person is an asshole. : In general, it’s in your best interest to be civil. You’ll make more friends, have more opportunities, and contribute more to society. That being said, if you’re dealing with someone who is a big sack of worthless, feel free to call them out on it. Some backwards hat wearing douche giving you shit? Stare at his hat and ask him if he knows his hat’s on backwards. A woman say something ignorant to you when you’re trying to start up a conversation? Here’s a line: “Excuse me, who lied to you? I mean, who told you that you were hot enough to be this big of a bitch.”

Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. And most of the time they’re shitty.: Let me first state that I’m not alluding to personally having a shitty asshole the majority of the time, but based on the sight and smell of people that I come across in an average day I’m making the assumption that they do. Now that we’ve cleared that up… You’re going to hear a lot of opinions in your life. The subjects will be as random and varied as liver spots on an old man’s forehead. I’ve found the best way to ensure that those around you keep their opinions to themselves is by sharing yours with them first. For example, when someone asks you who you’re voting for say, “I’ll vote for anyone that’ll let me within 1000 feet of a school again.” Someone ask you what you think about the new skinny jeans trend? Simply state, “If it weren’t part of my parole agreement, I wouldn’t even be wearing these pants right now.” You’ll be free of hearing shitty opinions in no time!!

Don’t ever be the first one at a party to go to sleep: I get it. You’ve had more than your limit and you need to lie down. But I promise you, when you lose consciousness your friends will do unspeakable things to you. Best case scenario, you end up a human canvas with balls drawn on your chin in permanent marker. Worst case? The balls won’t be marker… I don’t think I need to elaborate further.
Recognize that you do, in fact, think with two heads: Men like to think that we’re logical creatures that rationalize every decision that we make. This may be true for a lot of things, but a pretty face and some perky boobs will quickly dissolve your decision making process. So when you’re about to make a grand gesture to a girl you barely know, my advice is to picture her as a naked old lady and let your reaction to that dictate your decision. Still into it? Gross, but at least you know you really like her!! Or have a grandma fetish that Dad doesn’t want to hear about. Pervert..
And finally….

Pulling out is not a method of birth control: Trust me…

I’d like to thank Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others for letting me guest post on her hilarious blog, and I hope I’ve provided half as much entertainment to her readers as she does!!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

An apology...

Dear groom,

I am very sorry you were offended by my blog post. I'm not sure what to say. It is what it is and I should have waited to post, or made it half fictional for shits and giggles. Truth is, it was fun, different but fun. If you could see my twitter feed you would see how many people would have loved to be my plus one. But you have to admit, it was something special. No one has ever herd of a potluck wedding. It was just plain bazaar, although not as bad as I imagined.

You could have  left the sleeves on your shirt. The man I knew years ago was a clean shaven, nicely dressed man. I am not sure where the country came in? It was like seeing your name on a different person's body. I was an asshole and maybe I went too far, hence the apology.

I know it is not your fault the preacher is a scorned drunk who doesn't like children, you may have not been fully informed of this when you chose him. The only part of that post I truly wanted to be offensive was to him. He was acting like a mean drunk asshole. The truth is, I do like you and your wife and I hope you have a great marriage. Truly I am glad I got to come, seeing your dad fall into the bushes was one of the funniest things I have seen. The look on your wife's face when he handed her the headset, I felt bad. I wanted to hand her a drink and kick him in the shin, it was awkward. I really do like you, and this post was for entertainment only.

About the armpit/hair debacle, it happened. I get the nerves and sweat, I smelled like a damn stuffed pig on my wedding. We all do, that's why it's funny. It is relatable.

The cake smashing, admit it, come on you went to far. It was funny, and you sure as hell picked the right wife because she was laughing so hard. Most women would have junk punched you. She did not, she wore her big girl panties and pulled it off well. Truly a commendable trait.

It was nice to see a casual atmosphere and the entire wedding wasn't Harry potter themed, or Twilight- I would have just left with my dish in hand for that one :) it was a big party. And seeing how mad you are at me, I want my funeral next week to be a big party with a bonfire. Please make that happen.

I wasn't trying to offend you, you have been a friend of the family for years and you know me. You know my snark, my ability to notice thing others don't, and my ability to laugh at and make fun of things I shouldn't. I am kicking my ass for publishing to post to my personal Facebook, it was never for you to know- hence I fully attempt to stay anonymous. Because some things in life are funny through other people's eyes, especially with a snarky commentary. I watch the redneck wedding and Honey Boo Boo because I think they are hilarious, and they make shit tons of money. Just if you would have called them, you would've had a cool 10 grand in your pocket. Yours is far from the worst, and if you renew your vows, I will come to that. Obviously, the invitation will be lost in the mail, so I will be there in spirit.

Maybe it was the beer, or the 5 alcohol soaked canoli's but I was wrong. I am sorry. I hope those 7 rows from the field Ram's tickets can take your mind off of the backstabbing pain. And one day you see that I was trying to be funny and not in any way offend you, whatsoever. I am an asshole, feel free to guest post on here about how fucking ignorant I was, I am sorry.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I think I may have made an old man shit his pants...

Yesterday morning I got a call from my sister in law. She is in her last semester of High School. Apparently, something happened to her tire and she had her car towed so I had to pick her up from the shop and drop her off at school.

I am far from a morning person but I was feeling nice, so I did it. Leaving her school I was turning onto the main road. Old man Prick in the Buick was stopped at the light. I turned, he jumped the light and almost rear ended me. How was I to know the old man in the Buick wanted to make it home before his pacemaker gave out? He could have let it falter like every dumbass that wrecks in front of my house.

Old Man Prick was pissed. At the next light he pulled up beside me and started yelling obscenities. I unrolled the windows and held up my phone. I told him " I have kids in the car and their dad is a UFC Fighter, say cheese." I didn't know Buick's could drive off that fast...Clearly, the man was now in a rush to get home to clean his pants..

So for my lovely friends I leave you with this ecard once again...

I wrote the caption via someecards...

Clearly plenty of people are deserving...

Monday, October 15, 2012

Track meet or...

I had the pleasure of watching my child's district track meet. Don't get me wrong I watched the shit out of her but the other peeps were so interesting. Two were interesting enough for me to have someone make an ecard...I am putting it at the end because you folks might walk away before the big bang...

While waiting the buses were late, so I started looking around. I thought it was wildly hilarious 3/4 of the parents were dressed like they were in fact on the track team, not their child. Track shoes and all. Living vicariously through your child much?

I saw a lady with a pair of nike fit pants. Did you know they have a single pocket across the top of the ass crack portion? This lady chose to put her iphone in this pocket. It appeared she had misplaced a feminine product.

The next interesting invention was a Nike brand tennis skirt that was flat front with ruffles on the back. Now this has gone too far. I commend the lady who purchased this get up, I mean we all should reclaim our youth, but the recreation of frilly bloomers as a skirt is wildly inappropriate, and pedophilistic.

One of the best was the hobo chic parents. Mom had dreads, not fake ones, the ones that pop up out of the blue when you don't shower for a month or two, maybe 10. This lady stunk, flat out stunk- I kept my head in my coffee cup every time the wind blew, I am not joking it was like burnt hair and b.o., horrible. The husband appeared to be attempting the dread formation. But he was just at the long stringy stage with a side of male pattern balding. The clothes, I can't explain it- literally from a thrift store or maybe they go to estate sales to purchase their threads, either way it appeared they had their entire closet on the body. Just bazaar...

Quote by Sorry Kid Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others
ecard designed by DesignPress Unlimited
The best was at the end portion of the race. I wanted to see 2 run so I moved down. Apparently I stood in the overachieving parents cheer section. They were yelling and screaming. Things I must repeat, and this is where the e-card comes in...

When i started giggling they just looked at me, they didn't realize what they were saying... I just said "clearly we don't have the same sense of humor"...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Today I was given the best compliment EVER

Our heater has decided to take the day off and I have been working since roughly 7:30 this morning to get a fire going in the fireplace. I'm obviously lacking some skills there. It is chilly so I decided to go to the gas station to get hot chocolate for the kids who weren't at school. I rarely go to this one, but their coffee and hot chocolate are better so on I went.

Frankly, I looked like hell. Yesterday's make up had done it's walk of shame but at least my pajamas were decent. I did remember my undergarments at least! I walked in, got myself coffee and two hot chocolates. There were some people there and I smiled and did the whole small talk thing.

I got up to the register and the man told me that I was just gorgeous. I looked at him like he had lost his left contact and his right eye was clearly filled with cataracts. He went on to say that he and the girl working with him couldn't stop staring, as well as the other people. I looked to see if I had toilet paper or a kick me sign somewhere, I did not. So I stood there looking at him, I was fairly certain he had just stepped out from his cave in the wilderness. He said when you looked at people you really smiled, not the fake I have to smile, a light up your face smile. I just looked at him because I really did nothing out of the ordinary, people should smile and be polite.

The check out guy told me that today was the first time in 2 years of that guy in front of me, who is a regular, even made eye contact with him. Apparently this guy has little time for the people who serve him his morning cup, even pays with exact change so he doesn't have to wait around, just throws it on the counter and leaves. Today this guy said Hi and have a nice day to the worker. The worker said it was because of me.

The man went on to tell me that there was just something about me that made people smile, I was just simply gorgeous.

I am not a crier, I mean even at funerals I am the one holding everyone together. At weddings, I wonder if people really know what they are signing up for. I didn't cry at the birth of my children or at break ups. I am just not a crier. I got into my car and parked at the car wash across the parking lot and cried. I have never had such a heartfelt compliment in my life. I mean I always get the nice ass or you are hot ones, the ones that just prove they want nothing more for me than to be a cum dumpster. This one just kicked me upside the head with a leather boot.. Wow

So I have decided I am going to take it, I'm going to put that motherfucker in my back pocket and own it.

What is the best compliment you have ever received??

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Today was my bitch...and what I learned today

Yesterday I just flat out failed the whole damn day away. I screwed up everything imaginable. It happens, so I proclaimed today would be my bitch. And it was, for the most part. I mean with 5 kids of my own and an extra today, along with homeschooling one of them and the whole mom thing and wahm thing, you know shit is just going to go wrong here and there. It is just called life. Life and I have come to an amicable agreement most of the time. So I figured I would share with my amazing friends, locked behind a computer screen and thousands or hundreds of miles away, the craziness that I call normal...

                 What I learned today....

A beer cooly cup can double as knee and elbow pads in a raging game of indoor couch cushion football. I suspect many injuries were prevented today from this genius 5 year old's discovery.

If at any time you would like to take your siblings money, rub it on your balls and it is all yours. Wonder if that works on the hubs.... yeah probably not.

A chair in fact crumbles under beauty. I am so glad I am not the only one who has sat on a chair and busted the hell out of it. My 14 year old did it too, I cannot explain how relieved I am, really...

I was on my blog ALL DAY LONG. Crazy because I haven't sat down until just now and my phone has been dead all day... Did you folks get my ESP comments? Didn't think so.

Sending three boys downstairs to clean out the batting cage turns into a game of soft-hockey ( a game using a softball and a hockey stick) and results in a shattered light bulb, of course the kind that you have to evacuate the house and wrap your broom and dustpan in plastic wrap as not to contaminate them...

My 5 year old can make a cheese quesadilla by himself. His patience is about as existent as mine and there was no way in hell he could wait the 3 minutes it took for me to finish giving a test. I find this funny since the 14 year old cannot figure out how to make a cup of easy mac alone.

Riding a bike into oncoming traffic while popping a wheelie and smoking a cigarette and flicking off the passerby's is completely possible...If this was an adult I would feel so sorry for him, but if he was a kid I think his mom would appreciate someone stepping up and beating his ass. Too bad I was more engulfed in wondering how much hair he had singed off in his endeavors...

Last but not least, the one that just had my WTF look was this:
If you are too lazy to turn the handle on the doorknob to get into the house it is perfectly acceptable to get a chair put it up to the window and kick in the screen. Although the chair may fall and you are dangling out the window, he made it his bitch...

So you see, today was almost my bitch...I got so much done, my house isn't a wreck. I cooked dinner, I didn't loose my cool (although I came close) I was a good friend.
Today turned out ok, maybe, hopefully an upward trend...

Monday, October 8, 2012

Today I failed...but

Today I failed...
 I failed as a driver, I now have a huge ass gash/dent/scratch on the side of my car to prove it. My vehicle was alone, it was done in my garage via a bike handlebar. At least I hung that fucking bike up the other day...

I failed as a trash taker outer, my shoes now have a permanent rememberance of this day...

I failed as a parent. I laughed at stuff I shouldn't have. I allowed a masterpiece to come about onto the couch, I walked away from a food fight because I just didn't want to see it. I knew there was a possible blood inducing fight going on upstairs and I did nothing. When a kid was bit to blood I just handed over an ice pack and walked away ( probably because he deserved it). But I did nothing. Needless to say after the ONE fight for today it was over, no more- I was shocked. There are usually numerous.  Maybe I need to be too busy more often? But I did not loose my cool. I had 7 kids today and didn't sweat, may have retreated to the park before I lost my shit but I kept it together...

I failed as a babysitter, the constant tears from the newborn baby told me so. And that piss stain on my jeans, couch and rug was just an extra fuck you.

I failed at being a housekeeper, if I felt like uploading pictures you would see it. And words cannot describe what I see. I am a neat freak at heart and this shit is killing me..

I failed as a health nut because I don't remember ingesting anything besides diet coke and a beer. I think I may have eaten half a piece of bread until the kid caught me in the pantry and I handed over the rest. But today was just a blur of ridiculousness and I am fairly certain the 83 times I ran up and down the stairs Jillian Michaels would laugh at me and my oversized ass and inform me that it is not a workout..Ha, if you thought for a minute I was a health nut, let me know, I will raise a drink and laugh at your ass!

I failed as a writer because I had a kickass post today and couldn't find time to press a few buttons..or answer my "non existent" emails. Of course the troll's emails came through, but that will be another day, a fun drunk day...

I failed as a wife...uhmmm no I kicked ass at being a wife because I took care of everything so his bitchass could play softball...

I failed as a friend because I let my phone die, Google was being such a fucking tool telling me I had 40 then 600 emails but then wouldn't load them- I just didn't give a shit, when my friend needed someone to bitch to..

I failed as an adult beverage drinker because I chose a natty light that someone left from a party over wine. Well, it was skinny girl wine and that stuff tastes like toilet water so maybe that was not a fail at all. And natty light is so bad only one can be consumed, tops- I have been milking this bitch for two hours- I deserve a medal...

I failed at being myself because when I saw the bitch from school and I was nice to her and then I told her I wouldn't spill the beans on her secret as long as we didn't have to do the whole pretend friend bullshit, when I already did to you. I guess I didn't attach a photo or a name to the post, which I almost did. But I can't sink that low folks, even though it is so hard not to...

Now I hear some kid pissing on my couch and yes I am just going to take his pants off and wrap a towel around him because I am just too damn tired to throw his sleeping ass in the tub...

I did cook, piss, do laundry, and load kids in the car one handed. That my friends tells me that ....

Today I may have failed but ...tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be my bitch...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

If my life was a movie...

I am in a secret subject blog swap. This is what my subject is. I have put it off for two weeks, great job I know. I thought I would do better under pressure, yep total fail. I am at a loss on this one, it is easy for me to write about my experiences and thoughts, but someone else's it is hard. So I am going to give it my best...

If my life was a movie it would be called Home Alone: Lost in Kid City, mainly because I am always outnumbered. But it would be a mix with Cheaper by the Dozen because at any given moment there are a shit ton of kids trucking through this place. Soaking meat in underwear doesn't sound too far fetched either. Neither does scaling from a rooftop in the NYC. So I will just give you just a round about real life happenings and clump them in a day.

Morning happens all 5 are up they inevitably are having a food fight of some sorts, usually ending in some form of juice being spit into one's eyes. Which turns into someone getting pissed and picking up a couch cushion which causes the kid to run into another one carrying a jug of unopened milk, fork in hand and stabs the jug of milk. Milk is everywhere, and of course it was left in the garage fridge and clumps come out and stinks the place up. Kids start chucking and I start cussing...

I get half the kids ready to send off to school, waiting at the door I hand them a stick of gum and remind them to scrub the plaque off at least the front of their teeth. Grab a piece of laundry from the laundry room, more than likely dirty and tell a kid to wet it. Kid comes back with a wet shirt smelling like piss, we don't have time to check. Get them sent off in their mismatching clothes and ridiculous bedhead and get to work on the mess the heathens always make. I go into the bathroom and figure out that the dirty shirt was dipped into a toilet full of urine the drips from the toilet to the front door tell me this in fact was the case. I go to clean the toilet only to find it is stopped up, go search out the toilet snake only to find the tools have been strayed about. Clean up the mess and find the snake. From the toilet I find a Barbie head, 3 matchbox cars and a fork, eh minor compared to the tennis ball I can't get out of the upstairs toilet. While I am in there I clean the bathroom and wash my hand only to find while grabbing the towel to see that it has been used in place of toilet paper.All I can think is, Great more laundry, and I wonder who didn't realize there was shit on this and still used it? Add Lysol to the list...

Kids want to do art, I am ok with it. I tell them to go ahead and start on some laundry. I come back to find they have used the walls in place of paper. And that paper was glued to the cabinets. Lovely. Now onto cleaning this mess when someone finds a bag of candy leftover from Halloween. I find sucker sticks glued to the carpet and someone has wrapped their slightly chewed gum around their head. I have to cut circles around said kid's hair and after I am done I send them to their room. I try to clean the massacre they made out of the family room and see all the mashed up shit under the couches they so nicely flipped over to make a fort out of glue and paper and couches.

I hear Hey mom look at this, and I run, FAST. I know this is more than likely something I do not want to see. Nope sure isn't. I find a kid hanging from the top bunk with a piece of twine attached to his belt loop with a key chain hook. When I ask what in the Hell possessed them, they said it worked on the baby. Well then carry on. No, not really I get the kid down and burn that fng piece of twine. I check the time it is 10:00, I am counting down the hours until it is socially acceptable for a drink.

Then comes lunchtime, they eat, spill more shit and squirt ketchup on each other, I am not surprised isn't this normal? More shenanigans appear out of nowhere, I go to read my library book and I find every other page is cut out. Awesome now I am paying $15.99 for a book I would have never bought. Remember the tool excersion? Yeah that just bit me in the ass I hear a kid yelling it appears someone has nailed his pants to the wall, with him in them. I get him down and hear another kid. Yep locked himself in the bathroom via a booby trap made from sticky drywall tape. Still counting down to drink time as I climb through the bathroom window and rescue the child from his own booby trap. He believes that theives stop for a potty break.

We decide to go to the park where a kid gets stuck in a drainage pipe, and an annoying mom is trying to have a conversation with me while I am trying to pull my kid to freedom. Park is done, I am done and it is 2:45. Big kids are almost home and I haven't gone to the store.

I take all the kids to the store and one wanders off for 3 seconds while I turn the corner to the next aisle, he flips his lid and screams "What are you trying to do, get me snatched?" Fortunately we are close to the office supplies and I open up a Sharpie and write my phone number on his stomach and tell him he will be fine. Leaving the sharpie for the next kid who thinks they are snatch-able. While in the store my kid feels the need to ask a woman in workout gear AKA Biggest Looser weigh in attire why her fatty hanging out her wimmersuit? We just leave, quickly and appears we are ordering pizza tonight. In the parking lot a kid runs out in front of a car. I have the sense to throw him into the cart rack but not enough to move myself. Yep run over my left foot. I hobble to the car with tire treads bruised onto the top of my foot.

It is now 5 pm we have the TV on, a radio blaring in the same room, a phone with a loud ass game and someone practicing their violin. This causes a major screaming fight because no body can hear themselves think let alone hear the device they have chosen. I am now locked in the closet with a watch. I know I have 3 minutes until all Hell breaks loose. 30 seconds in DAMN IT, they are fighting with water nice. Well one of the kids runs and slips on water face plants into a wall and bloodies a nose.

So we  have a fire and pizza, I find a kid under the trampoline lighting matches, turns into a major chase around the house with all the kids involved, I am done. Just done. Tired exhausted and everything in between. I change the clocks by an hour, hoping nobody notices.

It is bedtime, this is my time. The hubs comes home and wants a little, I ask if he has gotten his balls chopped off yet? Nope. Sorry closed for business. I sit back and think about the day and laugh, until tears are running down my face and then I grab a beer and decide a beer in the bathtub, is the only way to end this day... While in the tub the Prize Patrol comes, I miss it, that is ok. I don't need a million dollars, or a housekeeper (maybe) or a nanny.  Because even if everyday was this crazy I wouldn't change a thing about it.

Players of this game:
My Brain on kids         Baking in a Tornado   Happy Little Feet   Stacy Sews and Schools
Life on Peanut Layne    Dinosaur Super Hero Mommy    Follow Me Home  Big A little a

And Fyi I am not telling who submitted mine, I am just that good at keeping secrets...mwahahahaha...Ok sometime in the comments :)

Monday, October 1, 2012

My first secret admirer...

My first secret admirer...sort of. I am in a Fall Fun Swap with some other amazeball bloggers. So they send you something secretly and you figure out who sent it to you... So I received this
                                                                                                hand sanitizers, candles, and lotions
I was trying to figure out how to blog about this, until my life took over...
It started with this....

That is 5 rubbing my feet

                                     Went to this....
Yes, 2 took it upon herself to pluck my leg hair...
I know I am such a lucky mom...
Which inevitably turned to this
Which this stuff tasted like shit.
A rotten grape found in my stench ass
car and soaked in denatured alcohol

                                     So this turned
                                     into my future...

Which then I couldn't swallow and caused me to spit rank assed        wine out my nose. We all know nose spewed wine is
unsanitary so then the hand sanitizer came in handy..

All in all this was a wonderful gift, and it was enjoyed thank you!!! Here are the links of the women I can choose from... Who wants to go blog stalking tonight say around 9-ish, I will have a beer in hand and we can tweet our thoughts :)

Here are the contenders...
Pocketful of Joules    My Brain on Kids     B(itch)log   Diapers...Or Wine   Words for Worms
Chewylicious   Life's too Short to Play Possum    Quirky Chrissy

Do you ever think you can piss in peace...

Do you ever think you can piss in peace after the kids get bigger? Do you think an infant climbing onto your lap while attempting to use the facilities is the worst thing in the world? You are dead ass wrong.

I was peeing 1(14) and 2 (10) came in to join me, I guess they believe it's an open invitation. They were sitting on the sink chatting, 1 had her phone out. Just as I stood up to pull up my pants she snapped a picture. The exact kind of picture you do not want on a phone just two screen taps from Facebook publication, if one chose to do so.

They are laughing hysterically. So I go see what they hell could possibly make them laugh so hard... You guessed it the lady had made her photo debut.

1: I was just trying to take a picture of you on the toilet.

Me: what the hell would you do that for? Seriously...

2: You've been exposed

1: I was just trying to get a picture of your Dunlap..

Me: ladies, let's leave my FUPA out of it

Laughing so loud they can't stand up straight...

Me: I assumed I would never have to explain taking a picture of someone on the toilet, or exiting the toilet isn't something you should do... I figured it was COMMON KNOWLEDGE...

Still laughing So hard they are on the ground...

Me: ok Having a picture of your moms parts is highly frowned upon in most cultures, delete that shit NOW

SO NO, you never EVER get to use the toilet alone- even when your kids are teenagers. And what happened tonight just proves that having that toddler climb on your lap while you are just trying to crap is a fucking vacation compared the the events that just unfolded..

And FYI I do not actually have FUPA

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sunday morning convo turns Sex Ed...

The kids and hubs were laying in bed, I'm in the closet getting clothes. Someone noticed 4 was naked, why it was a surprise is to everyone is beyond me. I guess sleeping in the buff is highly inappropriate, but daytime nudeness is normal? You wonder why I don't have kid pics? It's hard to catch a pic sans bare ass in my house. Anyway convo goes like this...

Hubs: it's ok I sleep naked too sometimes.

Kids: what?!? Why?

Hubs: I probably shouldn't, it's not safe when you sleep with mom, one of her long ass hairs might get wrapped around it..

3: around your winkie?

Hubs: or your sack...

3: what's that?

Hubs: well there are two parts. The sack is where your baby maker is and your wink is for peeing.

3: so I am going to have 2 kids?

Hubs: I guess

3: so you are going to have 2 more kids, you had 7 in there?

Me: all right I've heard enough about wanks and junks, we're done here.

The whole time 4 is laughing taking in all this information more than likely to teach his kindergarten class tomorrow. So if your kid comes home tomorrow with questions about sacks and weens, blame the hubs..

I had no problem talking with the girls about this type of stuff but I'm thinking I'm sitting the boy talk out. Maybe I shouldn't the hubs has them thinking after their balls are gone from having two kids its automatic castration...

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Why I paint my nails in the car...

I know this is random but I'm going to tell you why I paint my nails in the car. And maybe why you should too...

1) It covers the smell of rotten McDonald's in the backseat along with that extra package of chicken I bought and forgot about a couple summers ago. The smell will not leave.

2) There is rarely a chance I will ever be called to wipe a child's ass.

3) I won't have to clean up anything, the car is already fucked, if you spill something in there I'm guessing the carpet genie will suck it straight thought to the pavement beneath...

4) I only have to control the wheel and the radio. I don't do the passing toy shit and if you ask I will turn up the radio and act like I want to hear the commercials...

5) I don't have to break up fights with my hands, slamming of the breaks and stopping in the middle of the road is warning enough...

Now I don't do this while driving... I buckle the shits in and do it in the driveway. And I can barely keep the car in between those tiny ass lanes as it is so could you imagine me driving with my knees and painting? So there ya go folks, now go sit in your driveway and paint your nails, thank me in the comments area for your perfect manicure. Oh and put a little lotion on your fingers so the polish doesn't stick to your cuticles...

Friday, September 28, 2012

You wiped with what?!?

The kid, not naming names, woke up with the shits. He sleep pisses in every place you can imagine so I am happy he made it to the toilet.

For the moment I was excited that he got into the bathroom to piss, until I heard it. So I ran upstairs to grab a roll and by the time I made it down stairs he was leaving the bathroom. I asked him if he wiped. Because I sure as hell wasn't cleaning the remnants of what I just heard out of his shorts tomorrow, or ever. He said yes. I asked with what? He pointed. Holy mother fng jesus this kids ass hole is going to have bleach blisters. I tried to get him into the shower but he was still asleep. My kid wiped with dual action Lysol wipes. It is essentially sandpaper dipped in bleach.

I have so many questions, such as did you think it was toilet paper? Why do you suspect the toilet paper was wet, do you normally use wet tp? When you you felt bleachy sandpaper upon your ass, why did you continue? Did it burn? Do you think kitchen cleaner will keep you from having skids?

All these questions will never be answered because the kid sleep shit...

My daughter's guest post...

So the kid thought she needed to write a post on my blog. Here ya go folks, from the mouth of a 14 year old girl. Consider yourself warned....

Today my mom woke up early to see if my books came in, so I woke up early to.  After the kids went to school she let me give her a makeover.  I thought I did a good fricken job!! I mean, it might have looked like she had a black eye, but it just gave her character.  The makeover went fabolous, so I thought!  Well now my mom is beautiful, now that she let the pro do her makeup!  So after I did her makeup, she went on to tell me how gorgeous I was, and how much she loves me..and how I have always been her secret favorite.  Which I totally saw coming..I mean common! Look at me(;  I am the dream child.  Well I think I finally got her to admit that the only reason that she had more kids was because she wanted one just like me, but it was a huge disapointment with the next 3 kids.  Finally, when she was pregnant with my "baby" brother, she prayed everynight that he would be just like me.  Well her prayers were answered!  She got another perfect child.  
After that conversation, I told her about how mean girls are to eachother, and started reading her some comments from girls on facebook being just straight up RUDE to eachother.  She told me that if me and the girl that I don't really like (we have been fighting sinse the begining of 6th grade) joined forces, then she would be scared of us.  She told me that if we were friends, then the entire school would be under our control.  Which is totally true.  You see, we are the nicest people on Earth until you make us mad.  When we get mad, it means war.  We would both knock down a brick wall just to get even.  We probably wouldn't be fighting anymore, but neither of us back down to anyone.  Which is why we should be friends.  We could take over the world..and break this girl's face..I mean, really who starts something on facebook about a joke? Well I got really mad when I saw most of the things she was saying.  It was rude.  Nobody should make fun of someone based ont here religion, and what they look like!  I mean it's rude.  
Well this was all my mom's idea.  And half of these words are probably spelled wrong, so yeah.  I know what you guys are thinking..I AM WAY FUNNIER THAN MY MOM!! and way more awesome!! (:

And she doesn't think she needs to take spelling. Ha! Look what I have to live with...That's ok I love her!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The teen party in the city?

My teen girl just turned 14. I swear she has bipolar tendencies. She is the most awesome kid one minute laughing and joking and the next a raving lunatic. I don't get it, I can't even try to relate to that kind of crazy.

Her friend is having a party. In the city. My first thought was Hell to the NO. Why the hell would someone from the suburbs have a damn party in the city. The city that is #3 on the highest crime rate list in the whole United States. I will tell you honestly I have walked the streets of Manhattan alone at night and I will not walk the streets of St. Louis alone, even in broad daylight. Don't get me wrong I love parts of the city, but it is not a place for kids to go to a party. Some parts are ok, most are not.

So I listened to all the people from the county who were going and I asked where this party was. It is on a state street. A fucking state street. You have got to be off your damn rocker to think I am letting my kid go to a party on a state street! Hell to the MOTHERFUCKING no!

 It is well known in the county not to step foot near a street named after a state, a president or Martin Luther King, Jr-  in the city because they are not safe. I asked my friend, and she flipped her lid too, I take it she has heard that one before too! I thought that would suffice, hell no kid is like a rabid dog with a kid with full of peanut butter on his face. She's not stopping until she can chew everyone's head off or go.

There have been numerous random murders in the past few weeks, it scares me. She doesn't understand. She thinks it is the end of the world. She was pulled out of school to homeschool after so many horrible happenings, maybe I feel like she has been through too much and I am overprotective. I don't know but the thought of searching the streets to bring my kid home in a body bag does not sound like how I want to spend my weekend. I don't think she realizes at a party people can come in slip something into her drink, if they are feeling nice, and drag her off. Nobody will realize for a while. That is 5 minutes, 10 minutes, maybe an hour that this scaredy cat kid will be left to her own devices. I am not cool with that. Do you think I am overprotective, crazy?

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I did my first Guest Post!

Today my first guest post is over at Life on Peanut Layne. I am so excited. It is another installment in her soccer series. The people of Saturday morning soccer. It's fun! Run. Go.Check. Click on the link and enjoy with a beverage of choice. Coffee, tea, diet coke or something in a glass bottle, all are welcome!

Friday, September 21, 2012

My kid touched it and damn near killed some people...

My kid just did something to make 2 grown men trip over air while almost causing them to shit their pants and have mini strokes...

Let's take this back a few months or a year, whatevs. It was late October, a team made it into the playoffs on a wild card and they fought hard and wouldn't give in. I am a huge fan, I am sure I damaged my liver drinking and watching every game, the second to the last game about made me loose my mind too, down by two tied, almost every inning and finally winning that game. This team is the St. Louis Cardinals. The 2011 World Series Champions.

They had a piece of memorabilia at the field my son plays at tonight so we decided to go see. There was a little line, we waited the kids were dancing on the tables they were so excited. We watched people take picture after picture but yet no one got too close.

The sales person for large groups was there, in charge of the memorabilia. He was a tiny little squirt so we will call him tiny-smalls. He had a big world series ring. He was mighty impressed with the ring even though he actually did not earn it himself. He reeked of small man complex. He was chatting it up and showing off that huge ass ring on his short man hand. It came up to our turn to take a little peek. We walked up I was telling kids where to stand for the picture and 4 walked right up and touched it. He touched the World Series trophy. That's right my kid fondled the World Series trophy. Like it was a toy, like it was nothing, just rubbed up all over it.

Tiny-smalls and his posse about shit their pants tripping on air while having mini-strokes to stop him... All my kid said "it feels fake". By the way they flipped out it obviously wasn't a fake. Tiny-smalls clearly forgot his DO NOT TOUCH sign and was paying little attention to the trophy itself, more to the accomplishment he didn't earn, the ring.  So there you have it...My kid is probably the only kid who has touched the World Series Trophy and he thinks it's a big pile of fake shit. Have fun polishing the ice cream off it tiny-smalls...